heart to heart

      “The moment we find ourselves in trouble of any kind - sick in the hospital, bereaved by a friend’s death, dismissed from a job or relationship, depressed or bewildered - people start showing up telling us exactly what is wrong with us and what we must do to get better.  Sufferers attract fixers the way road kills attract vultures.  At first we are impressed that they bother with us  and amazed at their facility with answers.  They know so much!  How did they get to be such experts in living……..?”

      “In our compassion, we don’t like to see people suffer.  And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering.  No doubt that is a good impulse.  But if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering, we should be careful not to be like Job’s friends, not to do our “helping” with the presumption that we can fix things, get of them or make them “better”  We may look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better- behaved children, better mental and emotional health.  But when we rush in to fix suffering, we need to keep in mind several things….

       First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don’t really understand the full nature of our friends problems.  Second, our friends may not want our advice.  Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more.  When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.”

     So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering - which we simply won’t be very successful at anyway- perhaps we should begin  entering the suffering, participating insofar as we are able…”

     …”In other words, we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learning from them, and if they will let us - join them in protest and prayer.  Pity can be nearsighted and condescending, shared suffering can be dignifying and life - changing.”

  Eugene Peterson -  Excerpts from his introduction to the book of Job

                                                     From The Message

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      I have a friend whose wife is  battling with reoccurring cancer.  He has been disabled for years, as a result of a back injury he sustained in a maximum security prison riot  ( He was a guard) 

      He and I talk weekly, get together  once a month.  I always feel  inadequate when we’re together. I made up my mind never  to comfort him with simplistic answers.  I do a lot of listening,  tease him, and take him to work occasionally.      Reading  the  introduction to Job this week  made me realize I  have been doing a better job of encouragement  than I realized.  (He says I do but you got to  wonder.)

      This morning in our house church we were talking about comforting someone in hard times.  One person shared from their first hand experience  the most effective thing  done for them was just to listen .

      On  a personal note.  If ever you and I cross paths and I have the privilege to be with you in a funeral home at the loss of someone close to you, here’s what I will and will not do…my wife and I will probably give you a hug (if you’re a hugger)…I will probably just look you in the eyes…let you talk…I will NOT say something like  ”Oh well, at least they are in a better place, bla bla bla… and if I’m the one in the receiving line @ the funeral home…I want to give you the heads up now..do not say that sort of stuff to me or I’m liable to take your head off.   ;-)  Got it?  Good.

   If you’ve experiences suffering, does any of this resonate with you?  If so, tell me about it.

      “… DM could you try to make your replies more legible? I gave up trying to read yours about four sentences in.”   

                                          excerpt from  a blog comment thread this week

           Ouch.

       I went back and reread what I’d said, sure enough, it was “choppy”. 

     The first indication  I might have “communication issues” was in 1985.   I was 27 yrs old,  enrolled in a  counseling program through CCEF.  The last phase of the program was the tutorial where we would  get to do some supervised counseling.  I was not accepted into the  tutorial  (along with 90% of my fellow students) because  in my case, “ my verbal communication skills were lacking”.

         Quick story.

      I love to teach, still do.     Several years ago,  I voiced my frustration about these  things  to my friend Thomas.  He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and said: 

       “Doug,  I don’t mind your choppy style.  It forces me to pay attention.  People who are  eloquent  put me to sleep.  There is no danger of that when I’m listening to you.”  

     You know the story of Moses-right?  God asks him to go and speak as his representative to  Pharaoh - Ruler of one of the most powerful nations at that time.

      And what is Mose’s response?  “No”,  says he is “slow of speech and tongue.  “  Some people believe Moses had a stuttering problem. 

      I don’t know about you, but that strikes me as pretty funny.  Of all the people in the world God could pick to speak in his behalf, he chooses a guy with “communication issues”.   Now why, I ask you would He do that?  Why would he take someone who can’t communicate  clearly to speak for Him?

         Just so you know, it takes a lot to offend me.  I appreciated my fellow blogger  telling me they couldn’t understand what I had been trying to say….so if ever  you have a hard time understanding me,   you’ll say something won’t you?  ;-)  

    Thoughs, questions, comments?     

     “A guy can work 12 to 16 hours a day, 7 days a week farming and never get caught up….and it will drive you crazy”

                                         Comment by a young farmer I recently worked for

     “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.  Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.  It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; (translation: burning the candle at both ends of your life) for he gives to his beloved sleep. (or even in their sleep)”

                                                                          From  Psalm 127

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      Reading the May 3/10 2008 issue of World tonight I came across a piece, profiling  on one of my favorite authors Eugene Peterson:

      “Peterson is the author of 35 books (all still in print) and translator of the bestselling The Message, the Bible in modern American English.”

     What does his life look like now… I won’t repeat the article, but would like to give you some snip-pits:

     “We like quiet, we like rhythm.”

     “Walking throughout the year, despite the weather, keeps him in touch with the seasons…”

     He’s an early riser….makes a pot of coffee…during the week they have

oatmeal.

     They eat lunch and take a nap!!!!!

    Then they read aloud….(to each other)

    Peterson says that living intentionally isn’t just for retired folks…

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     What was interesting to my wife and I as I read excerpts of the interview was how many parallels we saw between the Petersons and us.  It is just as if we’ve been  working out of the same play book.

          One of the  things that struck the farmer I referred to at the beginning of this post was my attitude about work. 

       I love my job, when we work, we get a lot done. (no brag- just fact) 

      As this young man and I talked…I told him about our  music festival,  my 100 mile walk planned for this Fall, our Bed and Breakfast, etc.  he mentioned   he’d lost both his  brother and his dad within the past year or so, and you’re a fool if all you do is work.-  As he put it:

     “Sure you might make a lot of money…but so what…if you can’t enjoy it…”

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    Here’s some questions, I would love some interaction on:

       What are your thoughts  about taking  naps?

       Is it possible to find a “rhythm” even when you are in the midst of raising children? 

      What about when you’re battling  a major illness?

      Is it possible to step out of the rat race without being financially strapped?

    

   

    

     “Do you think you might be able to get me just a few of those new potatoes Doug?  The ones without any skins on them .  I like to steam them with some fresh green beans and a little onion.  Then I’ll add  a little bacon . top it off with some butter!  Now doesn’t that sound delicious?”

                                                                               Marie Otten (my Oma)

      Tonight as I was having a dish of steamed fresh green beans, potatoes, and onions.   my mind went back to  grandma.  I was the eldest grandchild, and just between you and I,  she told me I was her favorite.   ;-)  

        (My cousin Carol told me recently,  Grandma told her she was her favorite grandchild, so I’m not sure  about being the ”favorite” -  I do know, I still miss her unconditional love. 

     Oma as we called her, came to the United States when she was 19. She was from Wilhelmshaven, Germany-a port city on the North Sea- population  80,000.    Oma came to Iowa one weekend to visit her cousins, ends up meeting a young  second generation German farm-boy ..and the rest as they say is history.  Country mouse marries City mouse.  Flash forward 60 years.   Oma is in her 80’s,  her favorite grandson (me) brings her fresh garden produce so she can make a dish  from the old country.

    I took piano lessons from the age of 10 to 14, since we’d moved to a farm grandpa would pick me up after lessons, take me to their  home where I’d spend the night.  Grandma would usually make me my favorite dinner (baked Chicken).  Then they would invite Louise ( an older lady who lived across the street) over for a mean game of Pinochle.  Grandma was a no-nonsense card player…she didn’t cut her “favorite” grandson any slack if he screwed up with his card hand. 

     Here are some of the other things I remember about grandpa and grandma:  fresh rye bread, German marzipan, Hummels, swiss cheese, black coffee….and the way she pronounced my name…”Doggie”..here’s to you..Grandma…. it’s OK if I wasn’t your only favorite…but just between you and I…I was, wasn’t I? 

   Tell me about one of your favorite relatives….

” We read to know we are not alone.”

                                    C.S. Lewis

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       The wife and I were watching Shadowlands this weekend.    It is my favorite movie, and has been for years.  Shadowlands is the true story of C S Lewis’s friendship and marriage to Joy Grisham- (American/Divorce former atheist Jew turned Christian) I won’t spoil the plot for you  if you haven’t seen it, but it’s powerful in it’s simplicity. 

      As I was doing some reading on this last night, someone said it was the best movie to come out of 1993- now that should tell you something. Have you seen the movie..and if so, what did you think?

     side note: You might have to do some looking to find a copy (I got one on e-bay)  (Make sure you get the version with Anthony Hopkins and Deb Wenger-there are two versions)

     “To know that we are not alone“    

      I think that’s why many of is are drawn to certain blogs.

The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn.
-  Ralph Waldo Emerson

        There is something about an oak tree that speaks to my soul.   It speaks of strength, long life, deep roots, beauty.  We decided when the grandchildren started coming to plant an oak tree in their honor.  In 2006 we planted our first oak, a white oak for Addison Claire (Addy)   Two weeks ago Addy got a baby brother- Rigg  Mattheson (Big Rigg)  

        Here’s a picture of me planting “Big Rigg” pin oak:

    By the time I was finished, I had  to use (4) ropes  to tie it off.  We live on a hill with the prevailing winds coming from the South/ Southwest, the trees  here to have a tendency to bend to the North/Northeast (even with   bracing)   

   Here are some additional thoughts about trees:

He that planteth a tree is a servant of God, he
provideth a kindness for many generations, and
faces that he hath not seen shall bless him.
-   Henry Van Dyke

Happy is the man … his delights is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.  He is like a
tree planted by streams of water, that yields its fruit in
its season, and its leaf does not wither.
-   Psalms 1: 1-3

     Today was the day .   A few of you knew and said you would be thinking of me.  (You’re probably going to need to read that first link to make sense out of the rest of this post)

     I’ve crossed paths with another Blogger Amber recently.     She mentioned  at one point being in the hospital for 7 months, enduring all sorts of things.. as I was sitting there waiting for the procedure to happen this morning, Amber came to mind.  I thought to myself -today is  nothing compared to  the stuff that girl has went thought…nothing.

     As I visited and quipped with Roxie (one of the nurses) I noticed the local Christian radio station playing as background music….hum-mm…I thought to myself..maybe one of these people is a believer.  Roxie asked me what type of work I do- I told her about some of the  work  opportunities shaping up.  She looked me in the eye and said , “So where do you think that opportunity came from?” 

    In my mind. it’s a no brain-er.  The Lord- but since I don’t know Roxie,  I hesitate for just a moment… I’m not ashamed  but I also don’t want to be preachy…”The Lord”  I said with a smile.

     She lit up and said..”I thought so”…

Note to reader:  This next detail is “PG 13″ so proceed accordingly

      You are given two drugs as part of this procedure.  One is a pain killer, the second a strong relaxant,   They told me while I would not be “out” I would probably not remember much of the procedure.  The end result is you don’t care what you say or do…at all.

     I was instructed before going under that they fill you with air in order to open up your colon for the scope…SO..it’s  important to release that air afterwards…in fact, they would not let me leave the hospital until I had done so…they made a big deal out of this detail..cause most people don’t pass gas in public in front of strangers..right ?

    Well, as I was being wheeled to the recovery room…I really felt the trapped air wanting to escape…so I let it !    I looked at Roxie (my Christian, attending nurse) and said, “That one’s for you.” 

    She looked at me,  gave me a big smile and the  thumbs up….

    If you know me in person- you know that is so not  me…but I still laugh every time I think about it.

    They did find one polyp which they sent in to be tested.

I’ll close with this  add by the American Cancer Society :  

     A sense of humor can be like the pro-verbal spoon full of sugar that Mary Poppins  sang about….

     This is by far the hardest blog post I’ve attempted to write.   I’m realizing I am an emotionally needy person.  Now it’s one thing to write anonymously and admit your struggles…its another thing entirely when your struggling and you KNOW there are people who read your blog who know where you live. 

       God has put the spot light on an area of my life that has got me stumped.     Now why in the world would I tell the whole world about this?  Cause I believe Christians do the rest of mankind a disservice  when we portray that we’ve got it all together all the time.

      I wrote some of you and told you I was taking the blog off line for a spell in order to sort some things out….all morning at work, I kept coming back to the thought…no….bring your struggles into the light….so there you have it… I struggle with loneliness more than I care to admit….my marriage does rock…and still there is this gaping hole in my heart that  I have a tendency to try and fill by interacting with people.  It makes me sick….It is the sort of thing that I suspect causes people to make all sort of bad choices. 

    I’m not going to find a cute picture to include with this post.  DM

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Update 5/1/08

     I’m not going to delete this post, although there is a little part of me that is tempted to.  Instead, I’d like to add the introduction to the book of Psalms  I read this morning in  The Message a contemporary version of the scriptures.:

      Most Christians for most of the Christian centuries have learned to pray by praying the Psalms.  The Hebrews, with several centuries of a head start on us in matters of prayer and worship, provided us with this prayer book that gives us a language adequate for responding to the God who speaks to us.

     The stimulus to paraphrase the Psalms into a contemporary idiom comes from my lifetime of work as a pastor. As a pastor, I was charged with among other things, teaching people to pray, helping them to give voice to the entire experience of being human, and to do it both honestly and thoroughly.  I found that it was not as easy as I expected.  Getting started is easy enough.  The impulse to pray is deep within us, at the very center of our created being, and so practically anything will do to get us started; “Help” and “Thanks” are our basic prayers,   But honestly and thoroughness don’t come quite as spontaneously.

     Faced with the prospect of conversation with a holy God who speaks worlds into being, it is not surprising that we have trouble.  We feel awkward and out of place:  “I’m not good enough for this.  I’ll wait until I clean up my act and prove that I am a decent person.”  Or we excuse ourselves on the grounds that our vocabulary is inadequate.  “Give me a few months- or years- to practice prayers that are polished enough for such a sacred meeting.  Then I won’t feel so stuttery and ill at ease.”

      My ususal response when presented with these difficulties is to put the Psalms in a person’s hand and say, “Go home and pray these.  You’ve got the wrong idea about prayer; the praying you find in these Psalms will dispel the wrong ideas and introduce you to the real thing.”  A common response of those who do what I ask is surprise-  they don’t expect this kind of thing in the Bible.  And then I express surprise at their surprise :  “Did you think these would be the prayers of nice people?  Did you think the psalmist’s language would be polished and polite?

     Untutored, we tend to think that prayer is what good people do when they are at their best.  It is not.  Inexperienced, we suppose that there must be an “insider” language that must be acquired before God takes us seriously in our prayer.  There is not.  Prayer is elemental, not advanced, language.  It is the means by which our language becomes honest, true and personal in response to God.  It is the means by which we get everything in our lives out in the open before God….

     The Psalms in Hebrew are earthy and rough.  They are not genteel.  They are not prayers of nice people, couched in cultured language….

     And so in my pastoral work of teaching people to pray, I started paraphrasing the Psalms into the rhythms and idioms of contemporary English.  I wanted to provide men and women access to the immense range and the terrific energies of prayer in the kind of language that is most immediate to them….

     I’m convinced that only as we develop raw honesty and detailed thoroughness in our praying do we become whole, truly human in Jesus Christ who also prayed the Psalms.”

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So what you’re reading if you happen across this post today is me (DM) wrestling with the raw stuff of my life….my personal  Psalm if you will…   I’m at a different place than when I penned that stuff yesterday….but that’s OK…never said I “had it all together” all the time.  Thanks for your comments. 

          I

    Read  an article from  May 2008 Focus On The Family magazine  that is a must read  if  you’re a parent.  

    As a family, we batted 100%   (4 for 4), as our kids hit their mid to late teen years one by one they “thumbed their nose at virtually everything we  attempted to teach them.”   

   I’ve also watched as they’ve gradually  begun  to make better choices.

  I know  one of them   is a regular reader here.   (Hi )  ;-)   and she would be the first to  tell you this is true.

     I know a couple of mom’s that read this blog don’t want to even think about  their daughter acting out like you did when you  hit the teen years…but they  might- and you’ll make it. :-)    Stay in touch and I’ll walk   you  through it.  DM

       Here’s a  portion of the article that spoke to me:  

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     “I don’t have to put up with this.  I’m outta here!”  Amber stomped to her room.

     I don’t remember what the issue was, but a couple of hours later, Amber was gone.  Several frantic days later, we discovered that our high school senior was living with two older guys.  The girl who’d talked about being a youth worker was jumping into the sinful lifestyle she had previously decried.

     Amber isn’t the first child, and certainly won’t be the last, to abandon the values he or she was raised with.  Sometimes children question their faith in a way that can be nerve-wracking for parents but is a natural part of growing up and making faith their own.  At other times, kids make a series of bad choices but don’t walk away from God.  Some kids, however, rebel against parents, God and anyone else who gets in their way.

     No matter the scenario, it can be a time of stress, anxiety, and heartbreak.  What should a parent do when a child goes astray?….

(skipping #’s 1-6)

# 7  Set boundaries  During a prodigal season, otherwise lovable kids are often at their worst.  They may become rude, demanding, manipulative and abusive.  Some parents think they have to put up with bad behavior in order to display God’s love.  That’s not so.  Your child has seen God’s love through you for years.  The prodigal benefits more from a parent who says, “I love you, but I won’t tolerate disrespect.” 

# 8 Deal with your feelings.  Parents of wayward kids face many emotions: anger, (at the child, at themselves, at a mate, at a child’s bad companions), grief sorrow, depression, guilt.  Whatever the feelings, we have to acknowledge them before we can deal with them.

(DM here….I can attest to experiencing every one of these emotions…(except for being angry with my mate. and I don’t think I’ve been depressed)

#10  Look to a brighter future.   In talking with dozens of parents, I learned that the prodigal season is just that, a season.  Amber outgrew her prodigal stage within a couple of years as she realized she didn’t like being a “wild child.”  Sooner or later, most children return to good relationships with their parents and their heavenly Father….

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Your thoughts? 

PS  You might want to read this one as well…I wrote it earlier and it also pertains to parenting. DM