If you find yourself reading this post…read the comments @ the end of it. That is where the good stuff is. DM
This will be very short. I NEED your participation on this post.
Most of the time my life is packed; Work, e-bay, parenting, husband, orchardist, correspondence, etc. I don’t have this problem .I love down time.
Currently, due to the weather, I am not working. I’m spending hours on the computer, experiencing periods of loneliness and feeling emotionally needy. My wife and I have a great marriage. We talk all the time about stuff.there are only so many needs she can meet…so that isn’t the issue….But I still battle with this inner poverty….do you have any suggestions??????????? I don’t want to be a clinger, I don’t want to be a emotional sponge….what are some real suggestions you use when you feel this way?…I am not going to give any suggestions..because that’s the problem…A “clinging person tends to suck the energy out of a relationship…you can only spend so much time w/ them…talk to me. give it to me straight. I promise I won’t “cling” 
I suspect many people self medicate or do other non-healthy things to quench these feelings.
Do you ever wrestle with this sort of thing?
How often?
Have you noticed a pattern?
What are some good, practical ways to keep from being “clingy”?
March 6, 2007 at 10:52 am |
Yes, I have noticed this too. It’s usually when I don’t have enough to do and I’m looking for someone else to fill the void. It does pass is the good news, but in the meantime, not so fun. What I do is get extra active with other things. I might even avoid (just a little) the person whom I’m expecting to meet those needs so I don’t slip back into clingy mode. Catch up on reading, blogging, exercising, whatever you do do it more. Actually I find exercising to be very good because it can be a natual high and makes me feel better about myself. I don’t know if you drink, but I cut back on alcohol during times like these. As a depressant it tends to exacerbate my clingy, needy feelings.
Hope this helps.
Jodi
March 6, 2007 at 11:34 am |
Hi DM, well as a christian I dont recommend drinking at all
I do think you should find a new hobby just for those perticular times. A new hobby that is challenging, it will take your feeling of loneliness away in a heartbeat. I used to be this way before I found the Lord, but since my walk with God is relatively new it is challenging to me. So get out there get something you NEVER done and throw yourself in it. And use this hobby only for those times, so you can occupy your whole mind with that thing.
Thats all I know to do!
In Christ
Andrea
March 6, 2007 at 11:37 am |
Yes, I struggle with this. First, I use my therapist for ‘talking about me’ and about all the problems that concertn me and lead me to feel so socially and emotionally needy.
Second, I call several different people when I have a problem I am wrestling with, only keeping them on the phone for a short period. After calling five or ten people and bouncing it off of them I feel better.
Third, I call my several different people on good days and just ask how they are doing, you know, just to talk.
Fourth, I work on something–anything.
Fifth, I go to a support group, which meets many social needs.
Sometimes none of this works. Sometimes I still feel needy. Then I just have to distract myself with more work. I do something that keeps my mind occupied. If I feel grumpy I might do manual labor. If I feel sappy I may write or read. If I can I try to do something to help someone.
Sometimes I am still feeling needy—bottomless pit that I am. I just accept it; I don’t approve, I just accept that sometimes I am going to feel in danger of being clingy. I don’t have to act on it. I do have choices here. I may feel needy, but I can do the opposite of cling. I can choose to let go and help someone else–even though I may feel I am dieing inside.
All for now.
Kate.
Sorry so Long
March 6, 2007 at 1:24 pm |
I am not a Christian but I am a human being and we all feel lonely and clingy at times…and what’s wrong with that?
You have already began to resolve your problem by reaching out to others for help. But you can take self-help further by using the opportunity your feelings have given you to identify what is lacking in your life.
You are not simply the victim of chemicals in your brain, you feel the way you do because of an event. Perhaps, you recalled an unpleasant memory but can not now remember doing so. Such memories linger and cause pain until we come to terms with them. Or perhaps you have a need for something which you are unconsciously denying yourself. Guilt, shame, all the ‘negative’ emotions, can prevent us from discovering our true needs. Or perhaps you quietly fear something but have not identified exactly what.
Take some time to think things over. And be completely honest with yourself and brave enough to accept what you find, even if you don’t like it. Whatever is causing these feelings need not be anything big or important, you might simply be bored or in need of a change of some kind. Whatever it is, it’s best to know rather than not know.
In any event, the unpleasantness will pass. Until then, make yourself something good to eat, get a good night’s sleep and try not to be so strict with yourself.
You’ll be okay.
March 6, 2007 at 8:35 pm |
Thank you Jodi,Andrea,Kate and Juke for commenting… All good stuff. I appreciate you taking the time to comment! ..I heard from four other people via e-mail… Wanted to add their comments here as well: (these next three know me pretty well hence the candor of their comments)….
“Dear DM, I do have such feelings sometimes. My life isn’t as busy as yours, being a stay-at-home wife whose husband travels each week, and whose only child lives on the other side of the world..and requires no care from me.
You stated it well. feelings that “inner poverty” and not knowing how to quench the feeling. You’re right about your wife (or any other person) not being able to quench it either. Don’t you think it is another facet of that “longing for our heavenly home”…? So what helps? Probably nothing on a permanent basis. I think God wants us to long for HOME, for Him, for our real dwelling place. I don’t think He wants us to love this old earth too much or have it be so desireable that we don’t want to leave it. the whole aging process of loosing our looks, losing our strength, losing our energy (in my opinion) is part of earthly life so that our focus changes from earth to heaven, so that we long for eternity….Have you read “Heaven” by Randy Alcornn? You would be blessed by it and excited about what is coming for believers…
So what helps? Being grateful for what hs been given, not concentrating on what isn’t there any more. Reaching out to others. Finding new places to serve. Listening to Godly music. Exercising vigorously to get those good endorphines going. Taking long prayer walks. Listening in those prayer walks to the voice of the Lord. Memerizing Scripture (takes so much time and hard brain concentration that the time flies by)
By the way, I don’t think “self-medication” is always a “non-healthy thing.” Who knows better than you?
A last suggestion: sometimes sitting for hours at the computer is not the best way to fill up that area of “inner poverty” Most of the stuff on the internet is pretty imporverished itself.” CJ
“Hey DM. I definitely can relate to your feelings. I, too, am usually so busy that I don’t have time to think about being lonely or needy. I am not going to be very helpful with suggestions thoug because I think I would be in your boat if the madness ever slowed to a crawl. …it’s hard when you’ve been the strong leader type and had lots of responsibilites to step back and take a look inside yourself to see what YOUR needs are and how to mee them. Sorry this hasn’t been the most helpful advice, but wanted you to know I hear you!!! take care A.
“Happens to me , sometimes Brother I HATE it, especially because at such times I am vulnerable to all sorts of attacks of the flesh, including those related to the computer
The solution in blunt terms because I know you’re a big boy and prefer to take your medicine straight: Get off your duff, get out there and help somebody. God didn’t put you on this earth to sit at a computer and get lonely. You have the answer to Him on how you spend every minute (let me know if you need the Scripture reference on that but I suspect you don’t) How are you going to explain to Him how you used that time which He gave you?
My bluntness today arises out of an extremely convicting book I’m rereading by Weslet Deuwel called Ablaze For God . You can’t read that book and feel comfortable about your Christian walk, which is why I’m rereading it. I know I need it. By the way, you have been in my prayers very regularly these days…God Bless J.
March 7, 2007 at 3:31 pm |
Thanks for expressing that feeling so well, DM. You are not alone and it is a struggle we all wrestle with. It made me think about how I deal with that issue myself. Lately, I have been trying to channel that emptiness into writing/blogging (something that I am new to). Reading is another good way to engage your mind and spirit in more productive ways. Last night I spent some time perusing the resources on Crosswalk.com. Ultimately, it comes down to that dissatifcation with not being united to the one who we were created to be united to…our great God. Might I suggest worship during these times. I found that listening to some good worship music lifts my spirit and allows me to focus less on my small life and more on my life in connection with my loving savior. I know that sounds a bit polly-anna-ish but it helps. Blessings to you…..
March 8, 2007 at 5:48 pm |
I wanted to thank ALL of you that took the time to comment. Got lots of good suggestions. 90% of the time, this stuff is irrelevant..it’s that 10% I hate. I’m feeling much friskier today. I would still love to hear from you if you have anything else to add. DM
March 12, 2007 at 6:21 pm |
Volunteer, maybe? do something for someone else. Takes the focus off you and onto bigger and better life changing, God pleasing things.
kristina
April 29, 2007 at 12:16 pm |
“Currently, due to the weather, I am not working. I’m spending hours on the computer, experiencing periods of loneliness and feeling emotionally needy.”
Been there bro.
May 25, 2007 at 10:27 pm |
Hi DM,
I can relate to your feelings. I have definitely been through times like that. My relationship with God is what has pulled me out of some of those places. Sometimes when I couldn’t pray or do anything I would just lay on the floor and listen to some encouraging music that reminded me of the truth of the “big picture.”
For a season you have the gift of time. What creative and imaginative things you could do with your time. One of the best things that I found that helped, in addition to focusing on the big picture of what God wanted for me, and also getting out and getting active, is to focus my mind on others.
There are some great relationships you could build with other people in need. Like foster kids who need mentors, etc.
June 30, 2007 at 12:41 pm |
I recently moved here – my son graduated, then married – never lived here before, so starting all over. I am outgoing; but, at a loss as to where to begin.
Found out about ballroom dancing locations around dfw – great fun and exercise. There are several persons who are married but spouse does not share interest – it is a nice environment, not sleezy like a club. Lots of exercise. Ladies dress up and feel like Cinderella.
July 10, 2007 at 1:46 pm |
[...] Encouragement For When You Feel Like A “Looser” Week after week, the most hit post on my blog site is something I wrote in March “Help for when you feel lonely and clingy” If you are interested, here is a link to that page, (not so much for what I wrote but for all of the great feedback)http://hearttoheart.wordpress.com/2007/04/01/help-for-when-you-feel-lonely-and-clingy/ [...]
October 27, 2007 at 7:05 pm |
[...] http://hearttoheart.wordpress.com/2007/04/01/help-for-when-you-feel-lonely-and-clingy/ [...]
November 24, 2007 at 8:04 am |
I was looking through the categories in your sidebar and this one interested me. I used to be clingier (if that’s a word) than a size 6 shoe on a size 9 foot. It was more about feeling incomplete. That gaping hole in my heart was like a round hole and all people, substances, activities were the square pegs. Since becoming a Christian in 2003, I have found that God is the only Round Peg that is supposed to fit in that hole. When I’m lonely, especially before it turns to feeling desperate, I begin quoting back Scripture to myself, promises that He is with me, He loves me with an unfailing love – anything I can find – of course I usually find them in the Psalms. I can’t imagine any Bible character (other than Jesus missing His Father) feeling more lonely than David. How many years he was on the run, hiding from Saul, hiding from sin, hiding from Absalom, living in caves and living with the enemy. What a better time to get to know God than when we’re lonely and feeling needy.
December 6, 2007 at 2:37 pm |
[...] the internet….I think it’s part of being human. I wrote extensively about it here so I’m not going to repeat myself today. That post continues to be the most [...]
April 9, 2008 at 10:51 pm |
I find this all very intersting. I have been engaged for a couple years now with tentative plans to get married next year. She is a very independant person with social ties to several family members and friends. I have moved around alot in my life due to military postings so I don’t have the social network she has. Regardless, in our relationship I find that I require alot of attention. I just don’t get it. I confront her with it and she discounts my feelings over and over telling me I am just too needy. Is that a sign that I am not for her or is it just her personality? Do I need to toughen up and get a life as she puts it or am I compromising myself? I love her so much but I don’t feel reciprocal actions. HELP
Rob rsadick@mts.net
May 10, 2008 at 12:07 am |
I would have to say that in a way it is you. You most likely love her and care about, so you want to spend a bundle amount of time together. You want and feel like you need that to get anywhere. She on the other hand is fine and can adjust to just seeing you for 5 minutes or as long as a few hours. My advice to you is that you need to look at the situation in a different angle. Don’t view the time you spend with her as though it’s so little or not enough, instead view it as meaning everything to you. It doesn’t matter if you spend a minute or a few days with her, as long as you get to be around her. I know that doing this is much harder than me telling you. I, myself am in the same boat. I want to spend more time with my girlfriend and we’re in love, but she is independent and has a lively social life with her friends. For the first time in my life I have found myself being clingy and I am never like that. All, I can say is try to get a life of your own and just let go of not having a lot of time to spend with her, but do enjoy the time you do have together. Sooner or later you’ll have a lot more time to spend with each other. Sometimes we have to bare the worse to have the best and sometimes we have to adjust to things to better fit our lives.
July 27, 2008 at 11:04 am |
Hello Brother,
I think we can feel alone sometimes if those
around us care for only the things of this world.
Seems most are not concerned with the spiritual
side, and don’t like to talk about the Bible, the things of God,Salvation,not caring to look on the things above,
or wanting to sit at the feet of Jesus and learn
the wonderful things he desires us to be excited about.
I started my blog in January 2008, to reach out to those who
desire to discuss these things. To reach out to the world
who might be hungry for the things from above, who might not
have been told the truth about the Gospel.
I know life can be hectic and it is hard to find the time
to just relax at the feet of Jesus and take it all in without worrying about life. I love to fellowship, even if we don’t agree on every point about His Return Etc.
Give me a line sometime. Always here.
God Bless,
BrotherMark
September 8, 2008 at 7:13 am |
I experience feeling lonely at times and find myself clinging to people I adore. Its frustrating because when I initially meet someone, I show no iterests because I know how I am and don’t want to be attached to anyone to be disappointed at the end. But yet they continue to pursue me and the end result is always the same. “I’m acting to needy”…lol. So I’m done for realz this time. I have given up on love! But just be thankful you do have a wife who loves you. And I’m sure she doesn’t think you are being clingy. Cheer up! CHEERS! =)
http://www.singleinatlanta.wordpress.com
September 10, 2008 at 9:40 am |
after meeting you:
you dont ‘really’ like down time. not a lot of it, you get fidgety when you are still for too long.
so this should be normal that you get lonely in the winter months.
know its only for a ’season’ a little while and soon, the sun will break, applejam will be there and work and chores will abound. more time in the Word. you and wife should do a bible study tog. do sep. but come tog. once a week to go over it. i can recommend good ones!
September 24, 2008 at 12:58 pm |
First of all, of course i’ve felt that way. Everyone does, but some people deal with it differently. Drugs, women (or men), some people become workaholics, and some people completely withdraw from society afraid of being hurt. Truth be told we all have a void and most people have realized that. What they don’t realize is it doesn’t have to be that way. We were created to have that void so that we would seek God. I don’t know if you are a christian, but either way the answer is seek God. The only way to cure it for good is to find your identity in Christ Jesus. Accept that Jesus loves you and that HE is enough for you. Seek to become the person He designed you to be. Then and only then will you know true joy (NoT happiness which is fleeting) and fulfillment. Being a christian isn’t easy, but having a personal relationship with my provider and savior has turned my life around. I was empty, Lonely, and had no self esteem. People are drawn to Jesus whether they know it at the moment or not. More of Jesus and less of me means people are drawn to me. I have no time to be lonely because i’m constantly surrounded by people in need of Christ. Find a good Bible based church and grow in Christ. Even if you are already a christian there’s always room to grow.
Love in Christ,
Amanda
October 18, 2008 at 8:42 pm |
I did a search on “what to do when you feel lonely”. This site is one that came up and I clicked on it.
I am too tired to read everyone’s contributions, but I felt better after I started laughing about somethings that were written.
My conclusion is that humor helps me feel better too.
Thank you everyone for sharing.
Susan
December 8, 2008 at 4:34 am |
I felt sick of myself when I found myself searching for this! “What to do when you feel lonely”
But reading through this I understand that it happens to everyone. So I am no exception.
And sorry, I cannot give any advice, I am in the exact same situation! Writing this at 2:30am, on a monday morning.
Well I think about it – it could be because I miss someone, because I know something cant happen, and am not ready to accept it. Am ok when I am with friends, but still find a lot of lonely time in my busy day.
Currently I cant think of what to do, even after reading through this. Probably I can think of that to do, and hence do something….I know, its sad!
Anyways, thanks
February 8, 2009 at 12:14 pm |
Time is short me for right now, but felt compelled to share something. This will help anyone needing uplifted or inspired. please enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMVxzEueJ6A. Don’t be afraid to turn it up. My God Bless all of you. Be back soon.
February 21, 2009 at 12:20 am |
*sigh* here I go..
I feel to young to be having lonely nights like this, my boyfriend is downstairs having his (now) weekly Friday video game night and I stayed home because I didn’t “feel” like hanging out with my only good friends here….so WHAT DO I feel like doing? (I have no Idea!!!!!-searching for ‘why do i feel clingy and ready every suggestion) I feel like I should be having my own interesting exiting life, but i’m only 20 years old and hopefully I get to where I want to be eventually.
Of course there is plenty I SHOULD be doing but it’s not anything fun such as tidying my room…I did recently buy a guitar so I can start playing again nights like this but songs I tend to want to play are kind of depressing. Any other thing I could do at home I just lack motivation to do.
But reading this has halted my tears and actually writing this out has been theraputic-so I suggest posting here will help let any troubling thought out. I have been seeing a therapist once a week for that reason and she tells me I sound like I’m bored. EUREKA! really it did help for someone to listen to me and tell me that though. It’s hard to find someone to hear me out and I wish I could just call my therapist when I felt like it but it doesn’t work that way. I have trouble expressing these types of things even to friends and family too
for the sole feeling of being clingy and emotional.
I’m glad I found this space, it was the first search result and I feel cured! hah now off to take a nice shower to RELAX and reflect.
take care everyone!
March 7, 2009 at 4:00 am |
Man. I did the same thing. I googled “what do to do when lonely”. Ha.
I was tired of just sitting around moping about how I have no life so I looked for a solution.
I’m I guess a workaholic. My life is my work and that’s all I do.
I am currently a grad student and working on proposing for my research and all the competition and my anal nature was really getting to me. Especially now, where I’m spending most nights early into the morning working on my research. This is what I wrote earlier tonight as I attempted to cure my blues:
Man.
It’s 2:20 AM. I’ve been working on this proposal for almost 9 weeks.
I started in the winter when I read the Giosan and Bhattacharya paper on asymmetrical deltas again. Again, again, again. I am still not done.
Everything is cool though.
So what if my advisor doesn’t really like me. So what if I hardly can catch him. So what I’m busy all the time that I’m just about to fall off the edge of my sanity.
One of J.B.’s students just finished her proposal. She spent about 8 days on it. Now she’s the star. The one with all the “tenacity” and “creativity”. Her proposal is about 10 pages.
My proposal. No real good pics. Incomplete ideas. Hitting 17 pages with only 20 references. The muscles around my neck are tense. While I spent my weekends at school, she was having fun with her boyfriend.
I’m a stressed out, sexually tense Puritan who lives in a world of conflicting ideals. Maybe I’m just not satisfied. A girl who spends most of her time trying to stretch out the importance of her studies that it muffles out everything else. Maybe I’m bored.
I want to jump of a cliff. Not literally. I’m not that stressed. Just want to do something to remind myself that there is thrill in life and you don’t need people to feel it.
Wow. That was better. It’s a lot better than writing to myself. I’ll work a little more, but I’ll head to bed soon. Thanks to whoever started this site!