I hate simplistic “pat” answers to tough situations. Pity the poor fool who comes to me with that sort of thing when I am struggling. A friend of mine (Mandy) wrote me regarding the loss of my cousin Michelle (see previous post “A House of Mourning”). Mandy’s cousin had recently suffered the loss of her 17 yr old daughter in an auto accident. In addition to that pain, the parents of the deceased were divorced and the ex husband was being nasty to complicate an already painful situation. (He would not allow his former wife to be a part of the funeral receiving line, was having the body cremated somewhere undisclosed, etc). My friend is struggling with a bad attitude towards the ex and wondered if I had any suggestions on forgiveness.
Hmmmmm ,after hearing about the situation, I found myself not liking the “ex” either. I found myself having new questions about forgiveness and wanted to do two thing. First, share my reply to Mandy , and secondly, ask you the reader for your thoughts, especially those of you who have had to work through forgiveness in tougher situations. Thank you in advance. Now here is my reply:
Dear Mandy,
You raised a hard issue with the situation regarding your cousin and her ex. I found myself getting mad at him myself and I don’t even know your cousin. I ran the situation by another person whose perspective I highly respect (he is also a Christian) I didn’t give any names, not even who told me about the situation….just a friend asking for input and what did he think. You know what he said? He was finding himself mad @ the ex too after hearing the specifics…don’t think that helps any, but wanted you to know I did give it some thought since you asked. Having said all of that, I do have a couple of additional thoughts.
1. I honestly think it is easier to forgive someone who wrongs me personally than someone who wrongs a loved one of mine. There is this sense of disloyalty in me when I think I am supposed to let the offender off the hook by forgiving them.
2. Secondly, it is one thing to forgive someone who has wronged me (or a loved one) if they are asking for forgiveness, or if there is at least this sense they know they’ve been wrong. but when the offending party is still continuing to act in mean, unkind, downright nasty ways, and then to think I’m called to forgive them anyway It seems to be yet another hurtle to overcome.
3. Thirdly, what is forgiveness? If we think in terms of an emotion, I don’t think we’ve quite got it, because at this point in my life, I believe I can “forgive” someone with an act of my will and yet my emotions may be still struggling with “liking” the other person. Forgiveness (at least as how I understand it @ this point in my life) is releasing someone from a debt they owe me for a wrong they have committed. It has less to do with feelings and more to do with an act of my will. (I can forgive someone, but that doesn’t mean I instantly have the warm fuzzes for them)
4. Forgiveness is as much for my benefit as for the other person. We’ve all heard stories about someone’s anger, bitternerss and unforgiveness being internalized, resulting in ulsers, headaches, cancer, and a generally bitter person to be around. So I would forgive another as much for myself as for them. (Even though yes I know as a Christian I am called to forgive)
5. Isn’t there a verse somewhere in the good book about forgiving our enemies? (Even doing good to them) Just the fact that Scripture mentions they are an enemy says to me, they must still be a scumbag in the first place (sort of like your cousin’s ex)
6. I am being very careful not to give you any “trite” platitues…because I HATE IT when people do that with me. Better to acknowledge when we have something tough we are chewing on and seeking some input.
Let me know your thoughts! DM
April 15, 2007 at 2:40 pm |
I don’t have any insight into this. But forgiveness is an issue I’ve been personally struggling with. In fact I blogged about it not too long ago.
I especially agree with the third point you made in your letter.
I find forgiveness a hard topic.
April 15, 2007 at 9:02 pm |
” Forgive US our trespasses as WE forgive trespasses against US” well forgiveness is not easy to do in some circumstances like the one you mention. But we are to forgive because it is something that the Lord wants us to do. Simple as that! We suppose to love our enemies! Of course that is hard to do too! But, A) it is nowhere written in the Bible that our lives will be easy as we walk with Him. B)We have to learn to do the Lords work even if it is hard even if we dont “feel like it”. We do it first without the feeling like it, and he will give us the grace to do it, and will bring us to new heights in Him!
Thats my two cents
Does it make any sense?
Blessings
Andrea
April 21, 2007 at 2:59 pm |
“Isn’t there a verse somewhere in the good book about forgiving our enemies? (Even doing good to them) Just the fact that Scripture mentions they are an enemy says to me, they must still be a scumbag in the first place (sort of like your cousin’s ex)”
I think that Christ’s words are insightful on many levels. First, we often perceive people as our enemies and act accordingly. However, often the reality is, that through our own flawed perception we created an enemy where none existed, and our own actions turned them into a real enemy. Second, even real enemies can be turned through kindness. Third, and most importantly, we are called to be identifiably apart from this world. When people of this world hate their enemies and treat them poorly it is expected and condoned- but for us their is a higher authority that demands more.
August 18, 2008 at 4:16 pm |
I’ve had issues with forgiveness and you are right; forgiveness is hard stuff to talk about. Still, saying we “have to” forgive is like saying we have to get salvation…none of them is possible – by our strength. I don’t think i can forgive, really; what I think however, is that I need to be willing to forgive then let the Lord do the rest. Forgiveness, in my opinion, is mostly spiritual.