I went from hurt to pissed in just a few seconds.
(see photo above…what is the monkey with the peanut sized brain doing?)
I’m sitting here, still feeling waves of untempered emotion rumble back and forth in my heart. I had a restless night. Came across another blogger** who had deleted me from their recommended reading list- last night- right before I went to bed. (that makes two this week), then had one of those conversations with my dear wife, so I sucked it in, tried to remember all of the good things I have to be thankful for.
The title of my blog is heart to heart, that means my intention is to write the raw-uncut version of what goes on in my heart. I’m secure enough to know, most of us battle with the same stuff. You may not be letting anyone close enough to your life to see the struggles when they happen- but we all smoke and sputter at times because we’re human.
C.S. Lewis wrote a book called A Grief Observed It was his personal journal after the death of his wife Joy Grisham from cancer. It is powerful stuff. What made it powerful, was the fact that you can read his inner most thoughts in the midst of his grief.
Now I’m not C S Lewis, and I’m not dealing with the loss of my wife, but most of us get rejected from time to time, and I’m not the only one whose had a restless nights sleep because of it.
I’m not sure where to go with this post. Just writing it out has helped defuse a lot of my anger. Hurt (for me) doesn’t stay hurt for very long. It quickly ferments into a low grade anger. I’m temped to delete several names off my recommended reading list….people whose blogs I read but never hear back from. The only problem with that is, most of them are really good blogs, and I do think you’ll enjoy most of them or I wouldn’t have them listed.
Most of us leave a trail of burnt bridges . Some of them needed to be burnt…abusive toxic relationships….
Others, we burn because we’re hurt and it feels good to strike back. The only problem with that is, sooner or later, in virtually every close relationship, there are going to be misunderstandings. The closer you get to another person, the more likely it is, one of you is going to say or do something to hurt the other person- and there’s a good chance they won’t even know it. Do I want to get to the end of my life-pretty much alone, due to my habit of torching relationships the first or third time the other person did something to upset me? I have that option, and I’ve done it….I’ve also forgiven my friends when maybe someone else would have walked away, and those relationships feel that much richer and deeper because of it. Thanks for listening to an old fool vent.
PS. these thoughts are being added several hours after my initial post. I think the reason I decided to post my thoughts today were not so much these were life and death issues as much as I think all of us experience moments where we feel rejected by people close to us….and for me this is what it feels like.
** There is more going on with this that I’m letting you in on.
*** I got this comment via e-mail this morning:
> ” We as humans are wired to connect, and when
> we are abandoned everything inside of us rises up
> screaming. I continue to read your blog and enjoy it