Emotionally Needy

     This is by far the hardest blog post I’ve attempted to write.   I’m realizing I am an emotionally needy person.  Now it’s one thing to write anonymously and admit your struggles…its another thing entirely when your struggling and you KNOW there are people who read your blog who know where you live. 

       God has put the spot light on an area of my life that has got me stumped.     Now why in the world would I tell the whole world about this?  Cause I believe Christians do the rest of mankind a disservice  when we portray that we’ve got it all together all the time.

      I wrote some of you and told you I was taking the blog off line for a spell in order to sort some things out….all morning at work, I kept coming back to the thought…no….bring your struggles into the light….so there you have it… I struggle with loneliness more than I care to admit….my marriage does rock…and still there is this gaping hole in my heart that  I have a tendency to try and fill by interacting with people.  It makes me sick….It is the sort of thing that I suspect causes people to make all sort of bad choices. 

    I’m not going to find a cute picture to include with this post.  DM

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Update 5/1/08

     I’m not going to delete this post, although there is a little part of me that is tempted to.  Instead, I’d like to add the introduction to the book of Psalms  I read this morning in  The Message a contemporary version of the scriptures.:

      Most Christians for most of the Christian centuries have learned to pray by praying the Psalms.  The Hebrews, with several centuries of a head start on us in matters of prayer and worship, provided us with this prayer book that gives us a language adequate for responding to the God who speaks to us.

     The stimulus to paraphrase the Psalms into a contemporary idiom comes from my lifetime of work as a pastor. As a pastor, I was charged with among other things, teaching people to pray, helping them to give voice to the entire experience of being human, and to do it both honestly and thoroughly.  I found that it was not as easy as I expected.  Getting started is easy enough.  The impulse to pray is deep within us, at the very center of our created being, and so practically anything will do to get us started; “Help” and “Thanks” are our basic prayers,   But honestly and thoroughness don’t come quite as spontaneously.

     Faced with the prospect of conversation with a holy God who speaks worlds into being, it is not surprising that we have trouble.  We feel awkward and out of place:  “I’m not good enough for this.  I’ll wait until I clean up my act and prove that I am a decent person.”  Or we excuse ourselves on the grounds that our vocabulary is inadequate.  “Give me a few months- or years- to practice prayers that are polished enough for such a sacred meeting.  Then I won’t feel so stuttery and ill at ease.”

      My ususal response when presented with these difficulties is to put the Psalms in a person’s hand and say, “Go home and pray these.  You’ve got the wrong idea about prayer; the praying you find in these Psalms will dispel the wrong ideas and introduce you to the real thing.”  A common response of those who do what I ask is surprise-  they don’t expect this kind of thing in the Bible.  And then I express surprise at their surprise :  “Did you think these would be the prayers of nice people?  Did you think the psalmist’s language would be polished and polite?

     Untutored, we tend to think that prayer is what good people do when they are at their best.  It is not.  Inexperienced, we suppose that there must be an “insider” language that must be acquired before God takes us seriously in our prayer.  There is not.  Prayer is elemental, not advanced, language.  It is the means by which our language becomes honest, true and personal in response to God.  It is the means by which we get everything in our lives out in the open before God….

     The Psalms in Hebrew are earthy and rough.  They are not genteel.  They are not prayers of nice people, couched in cultured language….

     And so in my pastoral work of teaching people to pray, I started paraphrasing the Psalms into the rhythms and idioms of contemporary English.  I wanted to provide men and women access to the immense range and the terrific energies of prayer in the kind of language that is most immediate to them….

     I’m convinced that only as we develop raw honesty and detailed thoroughness in our praying do we become whole, truly human in Jesus Christ who also prayed the Psalms.”

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So what you’re reading if you happen across this post today is me (DM) wrestling with the raw stuff of my life….my personal  Psalm if you will…   I’m at a different place than when I penned that stuff yesterday….but that’s OK…never said I “had it all together” all the time.  Thanks for your comments. 

When Your Child Thumbs Their Nose At Everything You Hold Dear…

          I

    Read  an article from  May 2008 Focus On The Family magazine  that is a must read  if  you’re a parent.  

    As a family, we batted 100%   (4 for 4), as our kids hit their mid to late teen years one by one they “thumbed their nose at virtually everything we  attempted to teach them.”   

   I’ve also watched as they’ve gradually  begun  to make better choices.

  I know  one of them   is a regular reader here.   (Hi )     and she would be the first to  tell you this is true.

     I know a couple of mom’s that read this blog don’t want to even think about  their daughter acting out like you did when you  hit the teen years…but they  might- and you’ll make it.     Stay in touch and I’ll walk   you  through it.  DM

    

       Here’s a  portion of the article that spoke to me:  

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     “I don’t have to put up with this.  I’m outta here!”  Amber stomped to her room.

     I don’t remember what the issue was, but a couple of hours later, Amber was gone.  Several frantic days later, we discovered that our high school senior was living with two older guys.  The girl who’d talked about being a youth worker was jumping into the sinful lifestyle she had previously decried.

     Amber isn’t the first child, and certainly won’t be the last, to abandon the values he or she was raised with.  Sometimes children question their faith in a way that can be nerve-wracking for parents but is a natural part of growing up and making faith their own.  At other times, kids make a series of bad choices but don’t walk away from God.  Some kids, however, rebel against parents, God and anyone else who gets in their way.

     No matter the scenario, it can be a time of stress, anxiety, and heartbreak.  What should a parent do when a child goes astray?….

(skipping #’s 1-6)

# 7  Set boundaries  During a prodigal season, otherwise lovable kids are often at their worst.  They may become rude, demanding, manipulative and abusive.  Some parents think they have to put up with bad behavior in order to display God’s love.  That’s not so.  Your child has seen God’s love through you for years.  The prodigal benefits more from a parent who says, “I love you, but I won’t tolerate disrespect.” 

 

# 8 Deal with your feelings.  Parents of wayward kids face many emotions: anger, (at the child, at themselves, at a mate, at a child’s bad companions), grief sorrow, depression, guilt.  Whatever the feelings, we have to acknowledge them before we can deal with them.

(DM here….I can attest to experiencing every one of these emotions…(except for being angry with my mate. and I don’t think I’ve been depressed)

 

#10  Look to a brighter future.   In talking with dozens of parents, I learned that the prodigal season is just that, a season.  Amber outgrew her prodigal stage within a couple of years as she realized she didn’t like being a “wild child.”  Sooner or later, most children return to good relationships with their parents and their heavenly Father….

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Your thoughts? 

PS  You might want to read this one as well…I wrote it earlier and it also pertains to parenting. DM

 

When The Winds Of Hell Blow Through My Soul

     

 It felt like the winds of Hell itself were blowing through my soul today.

 I couldn’t understand…

Or even put a name to what I felt

Someone suggested to find a quiet place and listen….

     “that when you feel this way, you need to embrace the quiet.  You need to find your center and listen to God.  You feel turmoil within because something is imbalanced inside of you.  There is a reason for this feeling.  You know what it is, but you are ignoring it.  Only when you are quiet, will it come to you and you will then be able to ask God to guide you in the right direction.”     I get the feeling from you that you don’t like the quiet.  You are one of those people that avoids the quiet.  I think you should ponder why that is…..”

   So I did just that…and here is what I heard:

Loneliness……………………………

 

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update..the next morning

     I am very tempted to delete this post  but I’m not going to.  Things are better.  It’s quiet here.. like this picture:

      I mentioned to someone it felt like a person going through “withdrawal”… when you ween yourself off of caffeine or cigarettes..your flesh screams….then things start to settle down and you get to a place of “new normal”….me thinkit I miss my wife more than I realize - and it’s not just physical…you’ve read that part in my biography where I’m 10%-90%…well what you’re hearing is what I look like in the 10%.  DM

 

Fell In Love With A Small Town Woman…

   

 

       I’m  getting choked up even as I write this…(that’s OK…it’s a   good thing)…see here.

     Spent last night with my oldest daughter who just had our 2nd grand-baby ….While I was there, she showed me a  video clip of  an Alan Jackson song  that reminded her of me…(hence the tears) 

 If I knew how to embed it on this blog post I would…the best I can do for you is give you this link

Couple of the details are off on the song…but you’ll get the idea.

Oh yea, yesterday was our 29th anniversary…(and yes, I fell in love with a small town woman)  just like the song …

 

I’m not really a big Country music fan but this one’s a keeper….watch the song and tell me what you think.   Thanks  DM

 

Feeling Passionate…………. A Musing

“I wish I had some of your intensity and passion.”  my friend Thomas told   me several years ago.  At the time I remember thinking the intensity and passion I  felt seemed  like a  curse.

He proceeded to tell me, he rarely felt that way about anything, and felt my life was much richer because of it.

Here I am 50 years old and just this morning  had a profound insight into  myself….

My intensity touches every area of my life…

My  passion  expresses itself…..

In the way I approach my marriage

How I work

How I pursue God

My feelings about my children

How I approach  my friendships

Blogging

Hobbies

How I like my music

Ministry…. Everything

So it should come as no surprise that miss my wife intensely as well…go figure…if this is the price tag for having an intense personality  then I’m willing to pay it.

I’ve always felt this intensity as long as I can remember (except for a short season of moderate depression)

I do know how to relax and regularly schedule quiet and down time in my life…anyway….this was such a significant insight into who I am, I wanted to share it with you the reader ….. DM

   

Thoughts On Friendship by Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

      “I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost work, but the solidest thing we know.”

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                                                                            Ralph Waldo Emerson

       I was  bantering with someone recently on this subject (friendship)…shared these quotes with them..thought I would pass them on to you….  DM

You’re welcome

 From the essay  “Friendship” :

      “Our friendships hurry to short and poor conclusions, because we have made them a texture of wine and dreams, instead of the tough fibre of the human heart. The laws of friendship are austere and eternal, of one web with the laws of nature and of morals. But we have aimed at a swift and petty benefit, to suck a sudden sweetness. We snatch at the slowest fruit in the whole garden of God, which many summers and many winters must ripen.”

     Bashfulness and apathy are a tough husk, in which a delicate organization is protected from premature ripening. It would be lost if it knew itself before any of the best souls were yet ripe enough to know and own it. Respect the naturlangsamkeit which hardens the ruby in a million years, and works in duration.”

Naturlangsamkeit: a German word for a slow process of ripening

In other words, friendships take time to ripen…you can’t really hurry the process….

 (Andrea,my German friend…correct me if I’m wrong  DM)

      “There are two elements that go to the composition of friendship, each so sovereign that I can detect no superiority in either, no reason why either should be first named. One is Truth. A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness .”

       “We parry and fend the approach of our fellow-man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs. We cover up our thought from him under a hundred folds. I knew a man, who, ….. cast off this drapery, and, omitting all compliment and commonplace, spoke to the conscience of every person he encountered, and that with great insight and beauty. At first he was resisted, and all men agreed he was mad. But persisting, as indeed he could not help doing, for some time in this course, he attained to the advantage of bringing every man of his acquaintance into true relations with him. No man would think of speaking falsely with him, or of putting him off with any chat of markets or reading-rooms…… But every man was constrained by so much sincerity to the like plain-dealing.

     “The essence of friendship is entireness, a total magnanimity (Magnanimous: generous in forgiving) and trust”.

     Your thoughts?   Keep in touch…DM

When The Pastor Gets Mad

     

 

     Subtitle:  Whose ”Kingdom”  Am I Really  Building?    

  I can still remember the Wednesday night  prayer meeting our pastor got ticked.  It  had something to do with the “hit and miss” involvement of several families. 

     Disclaimer:  My thoughts today are directed toward those of you in Christian leadership.  There is lots of  ”Christianese” in this one….proceed accordingly

 “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness… ”                        

                                From the Gospel of Matthew Chapter 6 verse 33

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              It wasn’t too long after that Wednesday night “incident” , the  church began heading in the direction of

 “Mandatory attendance at all regularly scheduled meetings unless providential hindered”    

    Translation:  you needed to be at all four weekly meetings to be a voting member.   We bailed.

       Before you write and express disdain for the pastor, flash forward 5 years.  My wife and I were then part of a new  church, we only meet once a week… I am part of leadership, and I begin to feel anger  for the same reason….Who’d have thunk? 

         I told my wife it felt like  I was trying to “push a rope” (motivate someone who didn’t want to be motivated)    I knew  ministery is supposed to flow out of a heart of  love.  (Corinthians 13)   I  cared….    Didn’t  I have people’s best interest in mind????   

      I finally came to the conclusion  there was more “self” motivating me  than I wanted to admit…..

      A growing, vibrant church = success = validation.

 

     I’m guessing I’m not the first person who has got caught in the trap of building  the kingdom of Self.

      “We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people.

                                 General   George S. Patton

                                             1885-1945

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     That season in my life is over, I’m no longer attempting to herd, drive or lead anyone….sure I know there are people who read this blog and get a little encouragement or insight from it ..but in terms of actively, intentionally attempting to mentor or shape another person…well….unless I’ve been specifically asked (or you’re under 18 and my kid),  it probably won’t happen. 

footnote: 

 Please don’t speak negatively about my former pastor or I will have to edit or delete your comment.  ;-)  Pastoring is the second hardest job on the planet (my humble opinion) second only to that of being a mom. 

 

Any other thoughts?

DM

   

    

   

    

Loneliness Observed

     “It is not good that man should be alone….”  God 

 

       I feel lonely tonight.  Mine is situational.  Wife is out of town helping out with the new grand baby.  Amber  wrote on loneliness, got me thinking…

    Here are some thoughts off the internet

Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation.  Loneliness is more than just the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. …

 Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Everyone has times when they are alone through circumstances or choice. Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individuals control.  Solitude is the state of being alone and secluded from other people, and often implies having made a conscious choice to be alone. Loneliness is therefore unwilling solitude.

     To experience loneliness, however, can be to feel overwhelmed by an unbearable feeling of separateness at a profound level. This can manifest in feelings of abandonment, rejection, depression, insecurity, anxiety, hopelessness, unworthiness, meaninglessness

  In some people, temporary or prolonged loneliness can lead to notable artistic and creative expression, for example, as was the case with  Emily Dickinson. This is not to imply that loneliness itself ensures this creativity; rather, it may have an influence on the subject matter of the artist.

  Loneliness can be summarized as falling into these categories:

• Situational / circumstantial – loss of a relationship, move to a new city
• Developmental – a need for intimacy balanced by a need for individualism
• Internal – often including feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability 
      

     remember…  feeling lonely is a common human emotion experienced by everyone at times (and therefore is not a defect). Intimate friendships take time to develop.

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More from here:

 you may have lots of friends or know lots of people but still feel that you are all alone in this world, isolated, or even feeling empty.

what causes loneliness?

     The main cause for feelings lonely is the lack of intimate relationships. Yes, you may know lots of people or have many friends but still your relationship with them is too superficial, you just never go deep into sharing your deeper emotions with them. sharing your inner emotions with people will not only make help you in overcoming loneliness but it will also get you closer to those people you have shared your emotions with.

  another strong cause for feeling lonely while being with other people is feeling that you are not welcomed, feeling that they don’t like you or feeling that they dont like what you say, in that case you may not be able to form intimate relationships with them and so you will feel alone when being with them even if they were hundreds.

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       What I’m feeling tonight when I said “I feel lonely”   is a longing to connect and be known.  In the Scripture passage I quoted, it is the first thing God said that was not good, after several…it is good, it is good, it is very good comments.”

       Generally speaking, my life is full, solitude and quietness of soul is something I  enjoy and weave into the fabric of my life..loneliness on the other hand  is NOT.

           Who wants to admit they feel lonely at times?  Certainly not me…don’t want people to think I’m some kind of a looser….better to suffer in silence right ?  

Update 4/20/08

      Last night the feelings of loneliness were intense. (Wife is still out of town)  This morning I’m better…but here’s what  I wanted to say to you if you’re reading this and feel alone…drop me a note,  I would love to hear from you….just leave a comment…I’ll get back to you.

 

Your thoughts?

DM

 

 

Invitation To Darkness

     They happen all the time…Invitations to darkness

       The Mrs and I were in the car, leaving  The Olive Garden    on Friday .  Two couples walked past us- out for dinner.      “What is that in his back pocket?”  asked my wife.

    Something  was working it’s way out, it looked like money.  The next moment, whatever it was  fell out…..nobody but I saw it  (even my wife had turned her head the second before)   I put the car in park,  jumped out….. This is what I saw:

A $100 bill.

    

     I shouted “Hey”…”  Both couples turned around….”You dropped this“  I said as I handed it back to him.    “You’re lucky I’m honest.”   I said with a smile.

End of conversation

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     “Now why did I do that?”   I asked my wife as we drove away.  In my mind, keeping the  money wasn’t an option- since I knew whose it was. 

 ”What was the point of that experience?”   I wondered out loud…I’ll never see that young man again- He doesn’t know why I did that… would never have known I’d scooped it up…But I would  know…..and a  clear  conscience is worth more than $100.

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     It was a test, “an invitation to darkness”   

    An older friend was in the hospital last week… a case of inner ear infection and vertigo.  Discouragement, self pity, and fear knocked on the door of her heart.  She told my wife …”I had an invitation to darkness this week“  (that’s where I got the title for this post)…. she’d declined the invitation. 

   Wanted to close with these thoughts from The Message :

         (I felt strongly someone needed to hear them)

         “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God.  He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

     You’re blessed when you care.  At that moment of being care-ful, you find yourselves cared for.

    You’re blessed when you get your inside world- your mind and heart- put right.  Then you can see God in the outside world.

     Let me tell you why you are here.  You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth.  If you loose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness?  You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up  in the garbage.

     Here’s another way to put it:  You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world.  God is not a secret to be kept.  We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill.  If I make you light bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hid you under a bucket, do you?  I’m putting you on a light stand.  Now that I’ve put you there on a hill-top, on a light stand- shine!  Keep open house; be generous with your lives….

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   Thanks for reading along and  leaving  your comments.

     Keep in touch……… DM

    

    

How I “Nurture” My “Raw Ideas”

     I awoke this morning with a “raw idea”….Here’s what it looked like: 

     I would like to take our love and interest  of live music to the next level.   (that’s the raw idea). 

    (Can’t you just FEEL the energy)

  ( Quick comment-  this is NOT a “New Age” mumbo-jumbo approach to life…I can just see somebody new to my blog  see this photo and think I’m  advocating some type of voo-doo spirituality….it is just a word picture….nothing more)

     So what would that look like? (taking our love and interest of live music to the “next level”) … I don’t know. 

     All I know is every time we host something    It seems to “scratch an itch” in my soul.  I feel energized when we do them. It brings together the spiritual and relational components of my life. At this early stage of the game, money is not a factor.  I just start brain storming…Since I have a spouse who has learned that just because I have an “idea” doesn’t automatically mean I’m going to do something…she feels safe  allowing me to verbalize what’s  going on in my head….and I in turn love to bounce my thinking off her…

    It reminds me of a board meeting where someone  is standing by a large easel w/ a black magic marker writing down everyone’s ideas….the first stage is just to  get the ideas on paper…after that, you can begin to look at what’s realistic,  are there any creative ways to make it happen..etc

    Now if you think I”m all smoke and mirrors,  you obviously don’t know me…lots of exciting,  energizing, out of the ordinary things have happened  the past 29 years because we’ve learned to “think outside of the box”. …and typically they cost very little when it’s all said and done.  I’m just pulling back the curtain of the D and M  boardroom. Consider yourself privileged

 

        It occured to me as the Mrs and I were looking at it (the raw idea)  some people do not know what to do with one when they get one…or sadder still, maybe it’s been so long since they’ve had one, they wouldn’t recognize one if was delivered to their home this afternoon, wrapped and ready to go.

         Right out of the gate I will tell you, today’s post may be a little abstract – but I’m doing that on purpose.

     I’m not talking about pursuing a life of hedonism, I’m talking about getting in touch with how God has wired you…identifying activities and interests that will add balance and enjoyment to your life.   Some of us need to relearn how to play…Especially those of you w/ high pressure jobs or life situations  (mom’s  w/ little ones in tow for example).   

  January 2007  I wrote a post  “50 things to do before you die”  These thoughts take off from there.

   Here’s a quote by Tim Hansel I love:

   “ If I had my life to live over again, I’d try to make more mistakes next time: I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would take more trips, I would be crazier… I would eat more ice cream and less beans; I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. You see I’m one of those people who lives life prophylactic ally and sensibly hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them…”

     “Do something unusual. Be an experimenter. Meet new people, try new experiences. Let people think you’re loony. Wear a funny hat or put your shirt on backwards for a day…’ Hug a tree, fly a kite, wear a button, jog in triangles. Go for a long walk in your bare feet. Poke some holes in your rigidity. This is not a time to be timid. Take a chance, it’s worth it.”

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     Any questions, comments or suggestions?