“The moment we find ourselves in trouble of any kind – sick in the hospital, bereaved by a friend’s death, dismissed from a job or relationship, depressed or bewildered – people start showing up telling us exactly what is wrong with us and what we must do to get better. Sufferers attract fixers the way road kills attract vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility with answers. They know so much! How did they get to be such experts in living……..?”
“In our compassion, we don’t like to see people suffer. And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering. No doubt that is a good impulse. But if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering, we should be careful not to be like Job’s friends, not to do our “helping” with the presumption that we can fix things, get of them or make them “better” We may look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better- behaved children, better mental and emotional health. But when we rush in to fix suffering, we need to keep in mind several things….
First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don’t really understand the full nature of our friends problems. Second, our friends may not want our advice. Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more. When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.”
So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering – which we simply won’t be very successful at anyway- perhaps we should begin entering the suffering, participating insofar as we are able…”
…”In other words, we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learning from them, and if they will let us – join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be nearsighted and condescending, shared suffering can be dignifying and life – changing.”
Eugene Peterson - Excerpts from his introduction to the book of Job
From The Message
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I have a friend whose wife is battling with reoccurring cancer. He has been disabled for years, as a result of a back injury he sustained in a maximum security prison riot ( He was a guard)
He and I talk weekly, get together once a month. I always feel inadequate when we’re together. I made up my mind never to comfort him with simplistic answers. I do a lot of listening, tease him, and take him to work occasionally. Reading the introduction to Job this week made me realize I have been doing a better job of encouragement than I realized. (He says I do but you got to wonder.)
This morning in our house church we were talking about comforting someone in hard times. One person shared from their first hand experience the most effective thing done for them was just to listen .
On a personal note. If ever you and I cross paths and I have the privilege to be with you in a funeral home at the loss of someone close to you, here’s what I will and will not do…my wife and I will probably give you a hug (if you’re a hugger)…I will probably just look you in the eyes…let you talk…I will NOT say something like ”Oh well, at least they are in a better place, bla bla bla… and if I’m the one in the receiving line @ the funeral home…I want to give you the heads up now..do not say that sort of stuff to me or I’m liable to take your head off. ;-) Got it? Good.
If you’ve experiences suffering, does any of this resonate with you? If so, tell me about it.
Tags: suffering
May 11, 2008 at 2:22 pm |
Indeed.
The best is to act as a mirror for the sufferer so they may see their own truth without it being clouded by yours.
“The Lord is my portion saith my soul”.
May 11, 2008 at 6:10 pm |
hmm noted… yeah its very true we often get too much of advice which is hard to follow during tough times.
May 11, 2008 at 6:56 pm |
Ah… suffering. I actually posted on a similar topic recently It’s a hard thing, isn’t it? Because we truly want to be of service. And I think, as Christians, we feel this challenge (both internally and externally) to have answers and to demonstrate faith.
But, yet… we don’t always have the answers, and faith falters. I’m reminded of a verse: 1 Peter 3:15-
But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…
We are not to force hope out of the suffering, but to share with them our hope. And I think that to get on that level, to demonstrate hope, we need to truly witness their suffering. To put it simply, we need to be a friend, not a surrogate savior. Let Jesus do the saving. He’s good at it.
May 11, 2008 at 6:57 pm |
This is a toughie. I think sometimes I get so twisted up about how I don’t want to offend or throw myself into it, that I can’t do anything at all, even listen.
When I was in the worst pit (so far) the best responses I had were, of course, listening, but especially offers of help — my situation was post-partum depression, which may be different, but I’m sure other situations can benefit from practical help, too. Go wash the dishes — get the groceries — cook — take the kids — etc.
I’m not saying pick up the slack for someone who isn’t doing what they can and should be doing, i.e. enabling bad habits or whatever, but then again, even as I write that, I wonder how impossible it is to draw a line between can’t and won’t. But when you offer practical help you need to be careful of your boundaries.
May 12, 2008 at 4:01 am |
Isn’t it amazing? I just wrote about a similar topic on my blog. I lost my cousin a few years ago and I definitely didn’t want to hear platitudes.
But folks respond differently. My best friend lost her dad recently, I held her, said nothing and just cried with her (he was my friend too so that was not hard to do). She said that was ALL she needed at that time.
My aunt on the other hand, when she lost first her husband and then her son, she just needed someone with whom she could talk about them. She did not need silence at that time.
I suppose we just need to be sensitive and ask the Lord for wisdom and direction.
May 12, 2008 at 7:56 pm |
Here are some things NOT to do or say. I’ve heard them all.
Get over it. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Is that still bothering you? What has God taught you through this experience? (said when the wound was still fresh) Your faith must be weak. You must not have forgiven someone. I couldn’t handle you. I didn’t know what to say. (How about learning what to say?)
The Christian army is the only army that shoots its wounded.
May 12, 2008 at 11:15 pm |
i think the best thing we can give to a family or friends whom suffering with problems or uncertainty is to listen…sometimes by listening itself we can make a big impact with that person…in the middle of the silence our heart speaks..no words needed to utter…
nice post… thanks
May 14, 2008 at 7:48 pm |
Thanks for listening.