You’re Beautiful, You Know That Don’t You?

    

(Picture of my eldest @ a recent concert)

       Any one ever tell you you’re beautiful, (handsome, smart, gifted…you can fill in the blank)  and inside you’re thinking to yourself…”yea, right, I am NOT “beautiful”  my ears are too big, (or too small) ,my lips are too big (or  too small)  my nose is too big, or (too  small, )  my butt is too big, (or too small), I’m too tall, too short, stocky, bla bla bla and we NEVER in our wildest dreams for a moment believe that the person was telling us what they really felt, because in our minds we simply could not receive it. 

footnote-  Speaking only as one  man, beauty IS more than skin deep…you can have all the right features and have the personality of a pig, or you can cultivate the inner person of your heart and I will notice.

    Have you ever told someone they’re beautiful, ( handsome, smart, gifted, fill in the blank)  and you could  sense  they didn’t hear  you, by the look  on their face they  discounted  what you said

     What’s happening in those moments is our  core beliefs about ourselves  are  filtering what we’re hearing.  All of us have them-  They determine  our  feelings of worth, competence, belonging, loveablity, security, trust and self reliance.

  And the funny thing is, the little stinkers are hard to spot, they exist below the radar and it takes some real effort to coax them out into the open.

    Our culture  values good looks, athletic abilities  brains and money.   The ironic thing is (especially good looks, athletic ability and money) is they are so fleeting.  If  you as a person have been blessed with good looks,  and you’re not careful, when you get old and things start to sag, wrinkle and   go to pot, it will rock your world to the core. 

    This weekend I had an awesome time of personal reflection.  My name means “Dweller by the dark stream”  (Douglas) so I was just doing what comes naturally.   Anyway I e-mailed a few people a note..here’s a portion of it: 

     ” MY self esteem/ self worth has healed and changed 90% from when I was a kid growing up…people today who interact w/ me in person can not imagine the shy insecure person I was growing up.  I simply am not the same person (Thank God)  Most days, I am living the good life, secure, passionate about life, (not just externally, but genuinely down to the core of my being)..and yet there is still this root of insecurity and fear that occassionally raises it’s flipp’n head that I would like to pull out, roots and all, once and for all..let me see if I can flesh it out for you”

     Hannah sent me list  of possible core belief’s from the book Prisoners of Belief:Exposing and Changing Beliefs that Control Your Life  After perusing this list (which I will post below)  I was able to spot  a “core belief” in my life I didn’t realize was still there….not going to share it with you because of the personal nature of it, but I will tell you, I’ve already begun to address it head on and  I can feel the difference.

      By the way- if you’re a regular reader to my blog and have left a comment in the past,  (that means YOU)….I wish I could sit down with you over a cup of coffee this morning and tell you  how much I appreciate  you as a person.  Do you believe that? 

 

Here is that list of possible core beliefs

1. I am worthy of love and respect

2. My world is a pretty safe place.

3. I perform many tasks well.

4. I am in control of my life.

5. I feel loved and cared for.

6. I can rely upon myself.

7. The world is neither fair nor unfair.

8. I feel a strong sense of belonging in my family and community.

9. Most people can be trusted.

10. I set reasonable standards for myself.

11. I often feel flawed or defective.

12. Life is dangerous—a medical, natural, or financial disaster could strike any time.

13. I’m basically incompetent.

14. I have very little control over my life.

15. I’ve never felt really cared for by my family.

16. Others can care for me better than I can care for myself.

17. I get upset when I don’t get what I want—I hate to take no for an answer.

18. I frequently feel left out of groups.

19. Many people would like to hurt me or take advantage of me.

20. Very little of what I do satisfies me – I usually think I could do better.

21. I feel OK about myself.

22. I can protect myself from most dangers.

23. Doing some things comes easy for me.

24. I have the power I need to solve most of my problems.

25. I have at least one satisfying intimate relationship.

26. It’s OK to disagree with others.

27. I accept it when I don’t get what I want.

28. I fit in well with my circle of friends.

29. I rarely need to protect or guard myself with other people.

30. I can forgive myself for failure.

31. Nobody I desire would desire me if they really got to know me.

32. I worry about getting sick or hurt.

33. When I trust my own judgment, I make wrong decisions.

34. Events just bowl me over sometimes.

35. My relationships are shallow—if I disappeared tomorrow, no one would notice.

36. I find myself going along with others’ plans.

37. There are certain things I simply must have to be happy.

38. I feel like an outsider.

39. Most people think only of themselves.

40. I’m a perfectionist; I must be the best at whatever I do.

41. I have legitimate needs I deserve to fill.

42. I am willing to take risks.

43. I am a competent person, as capable as most people.

44. My impulses don’t control me.

45. I feel nurtured in my family.

46. I don’t need the approval of others for everything I do.

47. Things tend to work out, even in the end.

48. People usually accept me as I am.

49. I seldom feel taken advantage of.

50. I set achievable goals for myself.

51. I’m dull and boring and can’t make interesting conversation.

52. If I’m not careful with my money, I might end up with nothing.

53. I tend to avoid new challenges.

54. I fear I’ll give in to overwhelming crying, anger, or sexual impulses.

55. I’m afraid of being abandoned—that a loved one will die or reject me.

56. I don’t function well on my own.

57. I feel I shouldn’t have to accept some of the limitations placed on ordinary people.

58. People don’t usually include me in what they’re doing.

59. Most people can’t be trusted.

60. Failure is very upsetting to me.

61. I count for something in the world.

62. I can take care of myself and my loved ones.

63. I can learn new skills if I try.

64. I can usually control my feelings.

65. I can get the care and attention I need.

66. I like to spend time by myself.

67. Most of the time I feel fairly treated.

68. My hopes and dreams are much like everyone else’s.

69. I give people the benefit of the doubt.

70. I’m not perfect and that’s OK.

71. I’m unattractive.

72. I choose my old, familiar ways of doing things over risking the unexpected.

73. I don’t perform well under stress.

74. I’m powerless to change many of the situations I’m in.

75. There’s no one I can count on for support and advice.

76. I try hard to please others, and I put their needs before my own.

77. I tend to expect the worst.

78. Sometimes I feel like an alien, very different from everybody else.

79. I must be on my guard against others’ lies and hostile remarks.

80. I push myself so hard that I harm my relationships, my health, or my happiness.

81. People I like and respect often like and respect me.

82. I don’t worry much about health or money.

83. Most of my decisions are sound.

84. I can take charge when I need to.

85. I can depend on my friends for advice and emotional support.

86. I think for myself, I can stand up for my ideas.

87. I’m treated fairly most of the time.

88. I could change jobs or join a club and soon fit in.

89. I’d rather be too gullible than too suspicious.

90. It’s OK to make mistakes.

91. I don’t deserve much attention or respect.

92. I feel uneasy when I go very far from home alone.

93. I mess up everything I attempt.

94. I’m often a victim of circumstances.

95. I have no one who hugs me, shares secrets with me, or really cares what happens to me.

96. I have trouble making my own wants and needs known.

97. Although my life is objectively OK, I have a lot of trouble accepting some parts that aren’t the way I’d like them to be.

98. I don’t feel I belong where I am.

99. Most people will break their promises and lie.

100. I have very clear, black-and-white rules for myself.

 

Thoughts, comments, questions?

 

Tags: self esteem