When You Loose a Child…

     Note to reader:  

        In 2003 I began the practice of using a  3 ring binder  to save the highlights of that year-photos, good articles, personal correspondence, etc.   I was thumbing through my 2004 journal this past Sunday night and came across   the following  piece by Carole J Dyck R.N .   She writes to parents who are dealing with the loss of a child, although I think what she  says could  apply to other times of grief as well.    Wanted to pass it on as a future resource.  DM

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       The use of the word “closure” is often heard in public circles or in the media especially after a tragedy and implies finality.  The word comes with the sense that there will be a time, day, or event like a funeral that marks when a grieving person will be “healed” or “over it”, as though it were a disease and you could magically take a pill to be cured.  There is an expectation that when the eulogies are said and the casseroles are gone, the grief somehow magically goes away.  The truth is that…the death of a loved one changes our lives forever, and we will never truly “be over it.”  Yes, we will not have the intensity of the pain and sorrow we had at the beginning of our grief.  We will go on with life and find new normal for us, but live will never be as it was before the death, and we will never be fully “healed.”  Sometimes those around us have attempted to comfort us by pointing to deadlines, replacements, or “at leasts.”  We have heard it said,”At least you have other kids,” or “You can have another baby,” or “hasn’t it been 6 months?”  Many see “comfort giving” as a short-term support effort, and soon we will be “over it” as we are kept busy returning to the tasks of daily living and focusing on our blessings.  These comments hurt rather than provide the comfort they are meant to provide.  Grief follows no plan, stages, timetable formula, or schedule.  There are no road maps; there are no absolutes.

      We learn….that everyone grieves differently.  Grief is like being lost.  The familiar things we relied on to live each day are gone.  We must find new anchors or stabilisers along the way and learn a new way of relating to the world and people around us….Grief is all consuming, distorts reality, and we begin to mark our time in “before or after our loved one died.”  No one can hurry the process of grief, no one can do it for us.  Not even our spouses, parents or other children can help us in those early days.  The truth is that when our grief is new, we feel exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  We barely have enough energy to breath.  We feel as though we have no control over our lives anymore, nor do we care.  We realise on some level we are helpless.

      All of these feelings are normal and part of the grieving process.  And yes, we also need to realise that it is a process- a very long gradual and difficult process.  Time does not heal all wounds, but time softens the intensity of the grief.  What helps is finding those who will listen with their hearts and give us hope and understanding.  Those who will spend hours, days and months with us as we tell our story over and over so we can somehow believe it ourselves.  What helps is to surround ourselves with those patient people and meaningful activities that comfort and support.

      Gradually, the cold darkness of grief beings to give way to the warmth of the memories, acceptance, purpose and reinvestment in life.  We learn to speak of our loved one without crying and begin to accept that whatever time we had with him or her, we would have taken even if just but a moment.  We learn that grief is the price we pay for loving our child or sibling so much, and we wouldn’t want it any other way.  Our relationships with family, friends and yes, even God can be strengthened or challenged as we look for new ways to connect with them.  We may lose old friends who really don’t understand.  We learn that problems life are not overwhelming.  We are handling the worst thing that can happen to us, what else can happen?  We learn to more deeply cherish those we love.  We help others in grief without batting an eye.  Sometimes we pickup “gifts” along the way by becoming more caring, compassionate toward others, and appreciative for what is important in life.  New strengths can develop as we find our new selves along the way.  Life will be different as we learn to cope, but still have meaning.

     For those of you who are new in your loss, we hope that you will continue to share your sorrow with us and learn from those further ahead on the path of grief.  Someday it won’t hurt as much as it does now, and you won’t always feel “this elephant on your chest.”  We encourage you to ask the family and friends around you for what you need and tell them when their expectations for you are too high.  We hope you will explain to them that your grief is not on a timetable and will probably not ever reach what society calls “closure.”  Explain to them that you will always miss your loved one, but you will learn to live with a broken heart.  We hope you will inform them that the mention of your loved ones name is music to your ears and it’s okay to talk about him or her.

                   Written by Carole J Dyck R.N.

      Thoughts, comments, questions?

Writing Your Own “Bucket List”

      At the end of your life, as you’re laying on your death bed, I’m guessing you’re not going to say to yourself…”Boy, I wish I would have put in more hours at my job”

     I’ve signed up to teach a 4 week course at our local community college I’m calling Creating Your own Personal “Bucket List”   a spin off of the movie by the same name.   Do you know what’s funny- before the movie came out, I had  been working off of a personal bucket list for at least 10 years- didn’t call it that, but that’s what it was…so when I saw the movie, I thought to myself…hey/ those guys stole my  idea. 

     Here’s the course description:

     Treat yourself to four weeks of fun, laughter, and personal reflection.  The Bucket List is a list of things you might want to do before you “Kick the bucket.”  Local Author and teacher DM will act as a facilitator using various activities to help you begin your own bucket list.  Class size limited.  Begins Feb.3 4 weeks  6:00 PM- 7:30 PM     $35.00

 

     Here are some tidbits from my class notes  since chances are, you won’t be able to make it:

    As the facilitator of this class, I will have succeeded  if : 

A.  By the end of the week 4   you to have a list  of at least 10 items on it.

    We will discuss :

     What is leisure?

     What does “relaxing” look like to you?

     What’s the difference between  leisure, relaxing  and hedonism?

I have 4 or 5 handouts,  3 guest  speakers in  mind (besides myself) , an excellent book  to recommend and a movie to watch. 

 In the early 1980’s I read a book by Tim Hansel called  When I Relax I Feel Guilty.    It had more of an impact on my life than I realized at the time….here are two excerpts from the book:

     “ If I had my life to live over again, I’d try to make more mistakes next time: I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would take more trips, I would be crazier… I would eat more ice cream and less beans; I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. You see I’m one of those people who lives life prophylactically and sensibly hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them…”

     “Do something unusual. Be an experimenter. Meet new people, try new experiences. Let people think you’re loony. Wear a funny hat or put your shirt on backwards for a day…’ Hug a tree, fly a kite, wear a button, jog in triangles. Go for a long walk in your bare feet. Poke some holes in your rigidity. This is not a time to be timid. Take a chance, it’s worth it.”

    Thoughs, questions, comments?

What Do You See?

      “When you look at me Father, what do you see?

      “I see a scared little boy, who needs his Father…. you’re coming home with me, meet me down stairs.”

There is a pause in the conversation….and then:

      “But I’m not a little boy any more, I am a man, I am an Olympian…and I’m not going to go with you “

                              from the movie,   Cool Running

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    Have you seen the movie Cool Running?  Its a slap stick comedy based on a true story about a Jamaican bobsled team.   Silly movie with some great messages. 

   One of the team members  has a rich father who treats his son like he’s still 10 years old- even though he’s finished college and made  the Jamaican team for the Olympics.    Boy is still intimidated by his dad..a watershed moment comes in their relationships after another team member sees his insecurity and gives him a new vision for who he  can be as his son.  A portion of their conversation  is how this musing started out.

      You – what do you see when you look in the mirror?  A scared little boy (or girl)?    It doesn’t matter what your parents see- what matters is what you see…and unfortunately,  some parents will continue to treat you as their child until you call them on it.

     I’ve been blessed with 4 children-  as a parent I see 4  people who have blossomed into young adults…our relationship has changed they are now my peers…and the amazing thing is..they still want to keep in touch, they tell me that they love me and even give me  hugs

     Here’s a picture of some of us on Christmas eve:  

      

     Wishing  those of you that know us…. A Merry Christmas  DM

Why You Don’t Want To Imitate Jesus

Disclaimer- This  is an “in house” memo.   If you’re not a believer, you’re probably better off not reading this one.  DM

 

       

Photos from my journal 1988

 

    I can still remember when it happened.  We were living @ 1561 Green Wood Lake Turnpike, about 5 minutes East of West Milford New Jersey.  I was miserable. (see photo above)   We were broke, 1000 miles from family pursueing schooling so I could be a marriage and family counselor, 4 kids, living check to check, way too busy with “church” activities.and I read this Scripture:

    “Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.”  It was talking about what is supposed to happen in the lives of a believer.  Literally, God himself should be flowing out of my life like a river.  What would that look like?   Well, I thought, rivers of joy, peace, love, compassion, confidence,  The qualities I imagined Jesus would have evidenced.

     I read that and thought to myself, “Now that is a joke.”  at best, there is tiny trickle maybe…but a river…Nada

     It was at that point I said to God,   “It says there are supposed to be rivers of living water flowing from my life and I barely see a trickle.I give up.”  Show me what that looks like.”

     I dropped out of all my “church” responsibilities, decided I was going to focus on being a better dad and husband…I knew it might tick off some of those in leadership, but frankly I didn’t care.  When you’re a people pleaser and you finally say enough is enough- what a rush.

     Over  the next several weeks, something  started happening.  I remember having this mirthful grin.  I felt like I was in on a secret- just between God and I.  My friend John Reilly commented to me weeks later…”Doug, there’s something different about you, I  not sure what it is.  “  

      I  did. 

       I went from trying to imitate Jesus to experiencing him live through me.  I kid you not…there is a night and day difference between me trying to  “imitate” Jesus and him living through me.    I know that might sound a little abstract and mystical.  I can’t help it.  I would be willing to bet, I’m not the first person who has made the same mistake. 

      That would have been in the Fall of 1989.  When I’m doing well spiritually I feel like Michael Jordan on the basketball court in his prime.  It just flows.  When I’m not, I can also feel it.  That sense of connection with God lasted for months, long enough for me to recognize when it’s not there now.  It’s not a one time thing.  It really is a day by day thing for me. 

     I know that  if  I cop an attitude with my wife,   it directly affects that connections. 

     It really has nothing to do with going to some building on Sunday.  If you are spiritually healthy, then you will long to connect with your spiritual siblings, somewhere.  It has nothing to do with giving a certain percentage of your money somewhere…if you’re spiritually healthy, you want to help others.  It has nothing to do with saying certain “prayers” at certain times.    Your conversation with the divine  will have an ebb and flow to it, just like you have with anyone you care for.   Its not something you have to legislate. 

Thoughts, comments, questions?

Iowa Blizzards Make You Tough (or Crazy)

   ( I took this picture Winter 2007-08 just east of our home when the wind quit blowing)

    I just got off the phone with my mom, she said there’s a 35 degree below zero windchill this morning.

    Here is the forecast for today (December 21 2008) for Eastern Iowa:

Northwest winds will roar across eastern Iowa today as an extremely tight
pressure gradient between low pressure to the east and high pressure to
the northwest continues to dominate our weather in the short term . 
Ground blizzard conditions are likely with whiteout conditions in open
areas, making travel extremely dangerous.  A Blizzard Warning and Winter
Storm Warning will stay in effect.  It’s likely that some highways and
county roads in open areas may drift over completely, especially in
northeast Iowa due to the deep snowpack currently on the ground.  In
addition, dangerously low wind chills between -30 and -40 will be
observed as temperatures stay below zero today and tonight, creating
life-threatening conditions if you are caught outdoors for an extended
period of time.  Have a winter survival kit in your car if you must
venture out.  Be safe, and watch for further updates.

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And finally, on a lighter note, here  is my Winter journal from 2007   (well, sort of) ____________________________________________________

 

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the d___ stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, did my thing and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.
December 24
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I’ll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don’t shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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I personally love the the diversity of the 4 seasons, couldn’t get me to live anywhere else.   One of my pet peeves  is listening to someone whine about the weather. 

Question-  What do you do to pass your time when you’re stuck inside because of the weather?   How about if the electricity goes out?  Then what?

 

Good Grief, That was 13 years ago

     

 

          I came across  the  picture Sunday night.  Facebook mentioned one of my friends had been tagged in a photo.

          Some of you talk about “triggers,” well, this photo  triggered something.  It  triggered  a heaviness  that was  almost palatable.

      Today at work,  that photo  and the accompanying  heaviness  came back to my mind several times.

     I didn’t understand.     I didn’t even know 1/2 of the people in the photo,  the ones I did  were  smiling.

       and then it hit me….

     I was  grieving

       Grief.  

      The picture triggered a wave of  grief that is 13 years old.   

     I didn’t think grief was supposed to last   that long.

           A good friend of mine is  still grieving the loss of a child, 4 years later.   He recently compared his   grief to  waves on the ocean.  
     Initially the waves  were strong, one after another… Four years later, they’re  further apart.

   

      Have you experienced grief in your life?  As I’ve alluded to, grief can come into our lives for lots of different reasons.

     If  you have experienced grief  and feel comfortable, would you tell me about it?  I suspect this post will generate a lot of hits long term.   What sort of comfort, insight, hope, wisdom would you give the person who stumbles across this later.  Please don’t give any pat  answers on this one.  I’m not interested in  theory.  Speak only of what you’ve experienced first hand.  Thank you in advance. DM

Dinner For Threshers and all things Grant Wood

  

     If you are looking for the “Dinner For Thresher’s” print as of this posting, we still have  a couple prints for  sale. Leave a comment and I will get back to you.

   In 2006 we opened a Bed and Breakfast, using the regional art of Grant Wood as our theme.  We purchased 5 prints and had them professionally framed @ $175 to $250 a pop.   Grant Wood was a prolific painter, and  there were at least five or six more I really wanted to display.   It was at this point , I thought to myself,  if I were to learn how to frame pictures myself,  that skill would quickly pay for itself, so we  invested in a Simplix 750 matt cutter and have been framing pictures ever since.

      Here is a copy of Grant Wood’s  “Dinner For Threshers“   hanging in our kitchen:

    I don’t even want to tell you how much we had to pay for that one.

      Here is an unframed copy of that picture I would be glad to sell you for a small fee.  

      The image itself is about  35 inches long.

      

Here are some close up shots:

     One of the things I love about Grant Wood’s style of painting   is the fact he will include little humorous details you will miss if you’re in a hurry.

        Check out what the man in the middle of the table is sitting on. 

        Look @ the man on the far right.  Notice anything peculiar about his head?

        Any other details of this picture that you find interesting?

    Here is my favorite Grant Wood print:  Spring In The Country:

Notice the apple blossoms in the front left corner.   I have it on the wall right above my computer where I blog

 …it’s yours for just $30.00 plus P and H…just in time for Christmas if you move fast.

     Do you have a favorite artist or style of art?  Who is it, and why do you like them?

Ten Honest Things- A meme

Enola tagged me on this one.  I haven’t done a meme for a spell so I”m going to give it a whirl. 

#1  Wife and I attended the Love and Respect marriage seminar 3 years ago.  ( I would highly recommend it to any couple who wants to take their relationship to the next level).  They suggested most men secretly still see Atlas in the mirror even when they get past their prime.  I am no exception.   I can still touch my nose with the sledge hammer:   and on a bet carried (8) 4 ft by 8 ft by 7/16 inch pieces of  OSB (plywood) at the same time…I just googled it, they weigh about 50 pounds a piece…yea I know I’m bragging…deal with it  

 

#2  Growing up, my parents offered us $100 if we wouldn’t touch alcohol until we hit legal age, which was 18 way back when…I collected my $100 and spend the next two years of my life  making up for lost time. …but haven’t had a hangover for probably 30 yrs.   Like Bill Clinton, I too partook of the wacky weed (also during that season of my life)..and like him, I did not inhale.

#3  I rarely carry cash on me, because I tend to spend it.

#4  I absolutely hate scary movies, and scary rides @ the fair.

#5  On a typical day I will consume between 4000 to 6000 calories, eat virtually anything I want, when I want, any quantity I want, and still not put on excess weight, although that has been changing slightly the past couple of years.

#6  I married the home coming queen….me the non-jock/ farm boy…still find that hard to believe.

#7  At one point in my life, I  wanted to be a vet- but the guidance officer in our school told me I wasn’t smart enough.

#8  On more than one occasion, I felt a very strong desire to break the knee caps of  a certain young man  that was messing around with one of my daughters.

#9  My all time favorite food in the world is KFC extra crispy (dark meat)

#10  From the age of 12 until I graduated high school, I milked  cows, took an hour before school and an hour after we got home..twice a day, 365 days a year..did I like it?…no/ did I hate it?  naw.. since it didn’t have a choice,  I just did it.

I’d like to tag Emily ,   Katie  Joy! and Amber

Once We Were Boys….

    I installed  another window this past Saturday.  a 9 ft by 4 ft  vinyl new construction window, a favor for an old employee.    The family had two little boys  and a newborn   baby girl.    The boys  (about 2 and 3) were captivated as I  removed the wood  casing from  around  the old window.  When the oldest introduced his little brother to me,  he ended with   ”And he’s tougher  than me.” 

      I thought to myself, ” Boy, these  guys remind me of   my brother and I. ” 

       I remarked, “I know that feeling”  (about having your younger brother being tougher than you).    

         I told him,  ”It will all work out….., but you may  have a hard  road ahead .”

      I am the oldest of four, my brother is 14 months younger, followed by two  sisters.   As far back as I can remember until I  was  15  Steve and I   fought.   And unfortunately, he was just a little stronger than me.    We fought when we milked the cows,  we fought when we went to bed, we  punched, wrestled, threw things, and  on one occasion  took the pitchfork after each other.    I could never understand why  mom got all worked up about our  fights.  

     Here is an early picture of my brother and I.    I can still remember standing there looking like a dork in those green leather lederhosen.

   

        I am thankful for my brother.     The last time we had a knock down drag out fight  was the Summer I was 15.   Today  there is not   a hint of the former anamosity we had for each other .  We’re both self employed- he specializes in pouring decorative concrete, whereas, I prefer remodeling and framing.   Because both of us have small crews, we  help each other out if one of us needs an extra set of hands .

Here is a photo of us working together pouring a  house wall a few years ago:

          

    ” When I was a child,  I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like  a child;  When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”  

       My purpose for this post is simple:

        Celebrate the relationship I have  with my brother.

           If you have any specific question about sibling rivalry- drop me a note, there are things you can do. 

      Note to you regular readers;    Tell me about your sibling relationships.  Where do you fall in line?  How would describe your relationship with your siblings today?    What would you say to the young mom who is tired of  refereeing?

Wild Thang

     Tuesday morning as I was walking out the door I spotted this eagle sitting in the pine tree just North of our house.  I only got one picture - the batteries in the camera went dead - In this shot, it looks like he is landing, he’s actually taking off.

     If you like the picture, feel free to save it, down load it, share it- just mention where you got it-  Thanks.

Coyote track

     That same morning  out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a coyote trotting down our gravel road.  He was gone before I could get his picture, but   I was able to find his prints in the freshly fallen snow.   The night before, my wife and I had watched Barnyard- an animated movie for kids…with coyote’s in it no less.

       That morning I felt like I was living in the middle of a National Geographic story.

And finally….here’s another creature I spotted Tuesday morning:

     WINSTON!    the pig .  She’s doing well by the way.  I read that pigs can actually take the cold better than too much heat.

    

 Tell me about where you live…what sort of wild thangs  do you get to see…even if it’s just once in a while ?