To live with margin means …”to live in a rhythm that includes periods of productivity and periods of restoration and refreshment. Not to live with margin means you’re denying your God-given design to get regular rest.”
Discipleship Journal May/June 2009
I framed houses in the early 1990′s with Tom. Tom would work 7 days a week, week after week. I got a phone call on a Monday morning : “Doug, could you come over and talk with Tom.” It was his wife.
When I got there, Tom was sitting on the couch in a dark mood. I found out later, this was not the first time this had happened. They told me, he just needed a break. Tom didn’t know how to pace himself, his mind and body would overheat like the circuit breaker on an electrical panel. He’d take a week off, recover and start the craziness all over again.
I (DM) grew up on 120 acre dairy farm, milked 18 Holstein dairy cows, twice a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I am also a first born. I got married, had two daughters, went back to school in 1985. Had two more kids. Working part time, going to school part time. My boss was also the high school youth group leader of our church.
“Doug, I think you would make a great high school leader.“ It was a 2 evening a week commitment- minimum. I joined.
Our church was also helping us with housing. They had regular Saturday work days. I felt obligated to do that too.
Did I mention, I was also a hard core people pleas-er? I had such a strong craving for people’s approval, I rarely said “NO” except to my wife.
In 1988 I hit the wall emotionally. Here’ the very picture I posted in front of my desk . It was to remind me business is not the same as progress. You can be busy going nowhere….fast
I longed for a more balanced life. A life with margin, some down time. I stepped out of every commitment, everything- I was forced to look my boss in the eye and say , “I have to drop out of the youth group, and Saturday work days…and…etc. etc. “ it was either do that or watch my family unravel.
As I attempted to find margin and balance in my life, I felt like the captain of a large oil tanker, trying to point my ship in a new direction.
Flash forward 20 years…
I’m still busy- there is still a “people pleasing bent in my life, but it does not control me. My life has margin. I have to think long and hard before I add another “good thing” to my life.
If I were a young mom, (I’m thinking of my daughter Angie @ this point) I think it would be 100 times harder to carve out this thing called “margin” so I’m interested in hearing from those of you that are mothers…what would you say to tired young mothers ? What are some practical ways young mom’s can build margin into their lives… is it possible?
Tags: Christianity, faith, family, Gilgal Bible Chapel West Milford NJ, Iowa, Life, marriage, parenting, personal, relationships, spirituality, thoughts, Uncategorized
May 24, 2009 at 7:40 pm |
It has been quite a few years since I was in that position, but I remember it well. I went for 7 years without a full unbroken night of sleep!
One way to build a margin is to quit being a perfectionist, at least about things that don’t really matter–like housekeeping. Or give up, at least temporarily, on being the best cook in the county. In other words, lower your standards in areas that are not really that important.
Another thing is to have all the kids you want close together, then quit having kids. That is because having two or three kids takes just exactly as much time as having one–ALL YOUR TIME.
Lastly, get your husband to help. That is the key. I was blessed with a husband who, although he didn’t have a clue about cooking, shopping or cleaning, he was wonderful with our kids, and would be glad to be in charge of them for periods so I could do other chores.
May 25, 2009 at 8:31 am |
Good points, DM. Not that I have any wisdom for moms, but I can definitely testify to the benefits of leaving margin in your life. For the longest time, the only real “vacation” I’ve had has been between jobs. I would work my behind off for about 2 years and then either quit to go to another job or just quit to take some real time off. That time between jobs was the only time I had any real rest – nobody to answer to, no questions following me on vacation, nothing. Seriously, the most peaceful times of my life.
May 25, 2009 at 9:35 am |
I used to be a notorious people pleaser myself. I never wanted anyone to be mad at me so I just always said “sure, I’ll do it.” It took me many years to be able to say “sorry, not this time but ask me again.” The sad truth is I liked being involved with every aspect of my boys lives and I felt if I was involved, I’d know what they were up to and we’d be closer. The sad fact is that if you’re so “involved” in the “helping,” you can’t enjoy what they’re doing. If you are so busy rounding people up for this or that, you can’t just sit and watch your child play ball or sing in the choir. It took MANY years to step back.
In my adult life, I also never said no to anyone. I really guess I’m talking about my family. I was/am the only girl and felt it was my obligation to organize all family gatherings and get togethers. I did stop being the “YES MAN” about 10 years ago just because I got tired. Now some members of my family just think as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten “mean.” It took me a long time to realize that just wasn’t true. It all shouldn’t be on my shoulders. I think those people, to a certain degree just used me so they wouldn’t have to do anything to help. No more for me. I will do all I can to help out and contribute but it’s just not up to me to be the ringleader anymore.
Terrific post DM.
May 25, 2009 at 6:23 pm |
I definitely need more margin in my life. But it is better than a few years ago. I try to give myself 24 hours before saying “yes” to something. I have definitely lowered my standards as far as housework especially. I also try to prioritize more. It is more important to me that we eat together as a family — if that means fastfood and frozen meals more often, then so be it.
May 26, 2009 at 10:19 am |
Balance is so important in life, and it sounds like you have found a great deal of it. It is still something I struggle with daily. Someday.
May 29, 2009 at 1:49 pm |
It is easy to work against margin and the need for it as a new mom. We have been denying ourselves the restore part of margin for years now. However, I gave up a lot of extra work and volunteering last year, to have more time with my family. ANd, wow, has it paid off. To any new or expectant mothers, margin is key to being a better parent, a better partner, and the best way to care for yourself, and others, at the same time.
May 29, 2009 at 3:41 pm |
Wow – did you write this with me in mind? Will need to let this one simmer before I can respond inteligently….