“The shell must break before the bird can fly. “
– Tennyson
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Len was a carpenter on my dad’s construction crew when I was 16. He was in his 30’s - single, quiet, hard-working, and painfully shy. I remember thinking to myself , - if I didn’t somehow get a handle on the shyness in my life, I would turn out just like Len - and that thought scared the crapola out of me ( Crapola is Low German for Hell BTW ) ;-)
From the 7th grade until my senior year in high school, I can count on one hand the number of one on one conversations I had with girls. That is no lie- my mind would go blank, I would mentally freeze.
In addition to being shy, I struggled with low self-worth- I’m sure they are interrelated. I thought I was ugly- my ears were too big, I hated my name, and I was a very late bloomer. When I read the story of the Ugly Duckling, I totally see myself in that bird.
Shyness does not have to be a life long curse, though I seriously doubt it will go away on its own.
Here are some snippits from my own journey out of shyness in random order:
#1 I made a decision- I was going to rid myself of shyness,- one way or the other.
#2- I asked for help. I remember asking two of my cousins to line me up with some of their friends while I was still in the dating game. Those first dates helped crack the shell of my shyness
#3 My growth was gradual but real. To use a word picture- looking back it feels like I spiraled my way out shyness:
#4 Side note- I am thankful for my years of shyness now- Why?
Two reasons- It gave me a sensitivity for people who struggle. Secondly, I would rather start out shy and learn how to be more confident than start out haughty and turn people off by my arrogance.
#5 I took a class in conversational skills. I attended a weekend workshop where we roll played things like how to have a conversation with a stranger @ a party. It was fun 
! Being a good conversationalist is a learned skill- what are you waiting for?
#6 I see my inner life as an ongoing personal improvement project. I read and applied books like “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. It should be mandatory reading in school.
#7 Cultivate the spiritual.. Spiritual vitality and inner confidence are related.
#8 The battle is won or lost in my mind- It had nothing to do with the size of my ears, or my name (both of which I now appreciate)
I’ll never be the center of attention at a party or a dance. I don’t want to be. That was never my desire.
To use a word picture, life as a shy person was like listening to music on an AM radio station- vs. listening to good music through a Bose acoustic wave…you don’t realize what you’re missing until you have a chance to compare the two.
How about you? Do you wrestle with shyness? In your case- what seems to be the reason(s)? Do you have any tips for someone else?
Tags: attitude, Christianity, depression, discipleship, enjoying life, faith, goals, house church, Life, loneliness, personal, relationships, self esteem, spirituality, thoughts, Uncategorized
November 5, 2009 at 2:58 pm |
I’ve struggled with shyness/ feelings of inadequacy/pride/ fear of failure quite a lot in my life. I used to be so shy it was literally a handicap and quite painful. ( I know I came across as stuck up…but I really wasn’t…I was just shy.)
I really started coming out of my shell when I moved away from home at the age of 18. I worked as a receptionist at fairly busy company…definitely out of my comfort zone.
I’d say I really…Really started to change once I hit 21. I met my future husband and he encouraged me to share my feelings….not just go along with whatever the world wanted of me…he wanted me to share my genuine opinions…to be a confident individual. It was a like a whole new world was opened up to me….
I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy and pride/fear of failure…but I’m not to shy to admit I have a problem :0)
Every once in awhile I will force myself to do something to get out of my comfort zone….the most recent being getting up and singing at Apple Jam on the spur of the moment. :0)
November 5, 2009 at 4:49 pm |
A long, long time ago I got on an elevator to go from the ground floor to the third floor. There was another man on the elevator. Even before the elevator opened on our express ride to the third floor the man looks at me and says, “You have never met a strainger, have you?” I have just the opposite problem. There are times I need NOT talk.
Glad you made the journey successfully.
Have you ever wondered how “coincidental” it was that (as a teenaged boy) you would be regularly exposed to an adult that mirrored who you would be if you continued down the path you were on?
Providential Design my friend!
November 7, 2009 at 1:06 pm |
My daughter really struggled with shyness. She never, ever spoke in high school, even when she was questioned by a teacher. But like you, one day she was working a retail job and saw how her life was heading for a dead-end unless she learned to communicate with other people.
She isn’t “Chatty Cathy” yet, but she is an accountant and a Lia Sophia sales person, and is constantly forced to interact with people.
My favorite shy story about Susan occurred when she was in the second grade and attended a Catholic grade school. As with most churches, the church we attended used young kids in their Sunday church services. Even though the teacher knew how painfully shy Susan was, she was forced to use her because Susan could read and pronounce the big words. So, my shy daughter, with her knees knocking, read aloud to hundreds of people.
And everyone thought she was such a gifted speaker. Only her parents and a teacher knew the truth.
November 8, 2009 at 1:00 pm |
That’s a great quote at the beginning of this post, DM!! I love it!! I used to be horribly shy – and because I loved to read, I figured that was just what I should do! (In 6th grade, I went to a birthday party and read comic books throughout most of the “fun” stuff, because I felt more comfortable reading than I did interacting with people.)
I had an English teacher in 10th grade that helped – we lived in South Dakota, and one of their curricular activities was reading aloud. They had a specific name for it, but I don’t remember what it was. She called on me to read something – everybody had to read – and after I finished, she asked me to stay after class. I never will forget what she said: “when I heard you read today, I almost threw up! You have a wonderful reading voice!” No one had ever told me that before, and she recommended that I do that whatever-it-was. We were only there for a year, so I didn’t do much with it, but it was sure nice to hear!
Someone told me that most people are more worried about what others think of them than they are about me, so that helped me get over the shyness. But honestly, it wasn’t until about 6-8 years ago that I found out exactly what you did: overcoming shyness is a skill that can be learned.
I watched this woman I used to know walk right up to people she didn’t know, tell them her name, and ask them theirs. That started the conversational ball rolling, and then it was just natural curiosity about other people that led the conversation. It’s still ‘way outside my comfort zone, and in some cases, I’m worse with people I am only acquainted with than with total strangers, but I know that I’m better than I used to be.
One thing – I still hate crowds. I don’t know if it’s shyness or something else, but I would rather not go to an event that has more than about 20 people involved than go, even if it’s a “wonderful” event. No matter how much I practice, I still hate things like that. Church, oddly enough, is an exception – up to about 200-250 people, and then I’m back to not speaking to people I don’t know….. Go figure!!
November 13, 2009 at 7:24 pm |
What is even worse is when you have a room full of shy people. Everyone thinks the others are stuck up. What I found is that people who look like they are purposely trying to avoid me are shy. That change in assumption can then drop my guard to reach out and melt the ice.