Overcoming thoughts of Ugliness

    

       “You are one ugly Mother F&*#$%@ “  Jim B said to me  on a bus ride home from school my freshman year. 

      His comment came totally out of the blue and confirmed something I’d already thought  to myself- I was odd looking, ugly even.  I thought I  had big ears, people called me “Monkey”, I had  pop bottle wire rim glasses,  a nerdy hair cut,  hadn’t hit puberty yet, I was shy, loved to read , played trumpet in band while  my  younger brother was the athlete.     

    The fact that Jim had given voice to it only confirmed it.    He was a couple of years younger than me, one of those kids that was always getting into trouble because of his mouth.    I  proceeded to beat the tar out of him, but deep inside I knew he was right.

      When I was 22  I approached an older friend   and told her I struggled with low self-esteem and wanted help.    She was passionate about her faith,    she was a nurturer, and I instinctively sensed she might be able to help.   Those early conversations were the beginning of an emotional healing process that   rooted out 90% of the negative self talk and thoughts that used to control my life. 

       Last night as my wife and I listened to a new    CD titled  ” I Declare” by Sharon Collins, I realized I still have a  negative thought that casts a long shadow over my life.  I’m embarrassed to give voice to it but I’m betting I’m not the only one who battles with it so here goes…

I am ugly.

     What I’d really like to be doing now is telling  you a story of  how I over came  negative thoughts of ugliness  but the truth is, I’m  stuck.    

     I’ve lived long  enough to observe that real beauty (and ugliness) is as much  what we think about ourselves as anything.   

     The story of the Ugly Duckling still  resonates  with me- I feel like a  duck trapped in a swan’s body.

    Thoughts, comments, questions, suggestions?

Who is to say if it’s good or bad?

   

Once there was a farmer who  had one son and one horse.  One day his horse ran away.    When his neighbors heard about it, they came to comfort him.  “Such bad luck- we’re sorry your only horse ran away.” they said.

     “Who is to say whether it’s good or bad, replied the farmer.  All I can say for sure is, my horse has run away.  Time will tell whether this is good or bad.”   His neighbors just shook their heads and walk away.

      A week later, his horse returned home-  along with 20 wild horses!!!

    His neighbors, upon hearing the news, came to congratulate him.  “What good luck you have.  Not only did your horse return, but he brought with him 20 more.  Such a lucky man you are!”

      “Who is to say whether it’s good or bad-  All I know is my horse has come home along with 20 wild horses-  and leave it at that.”  Again, his neighbors shook their heads and  scoffed -  “Of course it’s good luck you old fool!  Twenty new horses is obviously good luck!”

     The next week the  farmer’s son was out riding in the pen with the new horses, fell off and broke his leg.  Upon hearing the news, the neighbors came over to comfort the farmer.  “You were right- Those wild horses were not a sign of good fortune- now your son has broken his leg- and right before the harvest.  Such bad luck!”

      Again the farmer replied- “Why do you constantly want to label something as good or bad.  Why can’t you just say, “My son has broken his leg while riding a horse and leave it at that.  Who is to say whether it is good or bad?”

       Upon hearing this, the neighbors were indignant- ” Listen old man, to have your son break his leg at this time is unfortunate and a sign of bad luck.  You are such a fool to think otherwise.”

       The following week, an army came to town and drafted all the eligible young men, and sent them off to war in a far away place.  They did not take the farmer’s son on account of his broken leg.  Afterwards, the people were heartbroken and came to the farmer in tears-  You were right-  our sons are gone, we’ll probably never see them again- such bad luck our town has experienced!. 

    The old farmer (again) said- ”Why do you continue to insist an event is good or bad?  We do not know the end from the beginning. Why can’t you just say, Our sons have been drafted, and only time will tell if it is good or not.

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    I (DM) have come across this story twice this  past year, and it continues to speak to me.   Wanted to pass it on to you. It reminds me so much of the story of Joseph (boy w/ coat of many colors) .  

        Last year, I bid on a new house, it was close to home, initially it sounded like I’d got the job- at the last-minute, another contractor underbid me.            

       Work was not real plentiful last Summer.  Long story short, the story of the farmer came to mind-  I’ve been in construction long enough (34 years)  to know sometimes you’re better off when you don’t get a job.  A month later, I was approached by  someone to help with a 24,000 sq ft warehouse- I would not have been in a position to help on the warehouse  had I been working on the 2400 sq ft house.  The house was an  8 week job, where as the warehouse will be an 8 month job.

        I’m a dad to 4 great kids (and adopted dad  to another young woman)  The youngest is 21 and the oldest is 34.  I’ve watched again and again  as God has used painful consequences to teach life lessons to my children.  I try not to get too worked up when I hear  some of the heartache that comes into their lives.

      A night in jail is not necessarily a bad experience…..

     I always told them- If you get busted, I’m not going to come and bail you out.”  “I never want to go back to that place as long as I live!!!”  they tell us later.    It took a while, but we as a family have laughed as this child has recounted the details of their experience in that night.

     Co-sign   with your live- in on a bed  (who  I said right along was  bad news.)   Then comes the  break up, Bad News  keeps bed,  defaults on the payments,  tanks  our kids credit score in the process…is this good or bad?  Well, that all depends-  The true colors of the “ex” have been exposed, and child is no longer in that emotionally abusive relationship…me thinketh some good has come out of it.   

   How about putting the apartment  phone in your name- while your “friends and room mates ” rack up hundreds of dollars of long distance phone calls and refuse to compensate you?    (along with some other poor financial choice) – is this good or bad?

     Flash forward to today- This child is much wiser financially it gives me joy to see  where they are today.

   Tell me about some of the hard things in your life that have eventually resulted in good.  As always, thanks for reading along! DM

Looking back at our decision to Home School 19 years later…

     

     Family photo in 1994

 I was not in favor of home schooling our 4 children for several years…for the same reasons people  today who don’t understand it usually give -

“What about Socialization? - I didn’t want our  children  to turn into  nerds  unable to make it in the “real” world. 

“What about extra- curricular activities like band,  football, school dances?”

“How are we  going to teach the subjects we’re not qualified to teach?”

What about college?

        In the end, it was the gentle persuasion of my wife that changed my heart to  take a year for the two of us to seriously research the idea and then make a final decision.  That was in 1991- 

     Here I sit 19 years later.

  As Paul Harvey used to say…this is the rest of the story.

         The first thing I discovered as I researched  the home schooling movement   was there was  more than one model on how to do it.  It was confusing.   The amount of information to assimilate was overwhelming. 

      If you were to come to me today and ask “where is a good place to start? – I would point you to Doctor Raymond and Dorothy Moore’s book  The Successful Home school Family Handbook  (it is a later version than the one we had back in 1991)- but from where I sit today, that is still the one I remember best for a general overview.  Get it- you won’t regret it.

      Secondly, our children ranged in age from 3 to 11 when we took over the job of teaching them.  Our oldest two had already completed the 4th and 5th grade in public school,  it took two or three  years for us  to find our rhythm. 

        Now feel free to duplicate a traditional educational model in your home, I know people who do- they get metal desks, they set up a room just like an elementary school room, the whole package,  like I said initially, that is one model of home education. 

     There’s also the classical model,   a  unit study model, a  dual enrollment model (where your kids take some of their classes at a local public or private school and some of their classes at home)

 Lots of experts, lots of good ideas.   At the end of the day, you need to find what works best for you. 
       I will tell you this, when we finally did start home schooling, it wasn’t too many months into it  before we all started to burn out- we were putting a lot of pressure on the kids and ourselves.

     Children  are naturally curious and love to learn (believe it or not) so when  that’s not happening- that is just like the check engine light coming on in your car-  you need to pull over and figure out what’s wrong.

         Our first year, we purchasing a curriculum package- put out by Christian Liberty Academy. http://www.homeschools.org/

     What I liked about their set up (and they’re not the only one on the market), was the fact they gave us a complete set of books for each student.  They offered a payment plan- so we could spread out the expenses over time.  And you could either buy just the books, or for an additional fee, have the  kids actually enroll through their school long distance.  I liked it the first year, it felt like we had a  safety net under us.

      Over the course of a couple of years, as our confidence grew, we began to design our own unit studies, and didn’t need that  net. 

      Here’s some final thoughts-  Home schooling is not for everyone….it’s not even necessarily for every child  in your home-   I can already hear  someone squawking about not letting the world shape your children- like I said, you need to find what works best for you.

       As our kids got into the 9th and 10th grade, we involved them in the decision process, whether to home school, go to public school or do a combination of the two, which in our state is called “dual enrollment”.  All of them dual enrolled, except our youngest, who decided to go to public school full-time once he hit 9th grade.  Since the 3 oldest only went to the public school part-time, they didn’t have enough credit hours for a diploma- so they each tested out and got a GED through the local community college.

      I don’t regret it for a minute that we chose the home school route, I wish I could have done it myself when I was growing up. 

There is so much more I could say, so if  you have a question- I’d be glad to talk with you more about it-  just leave a comment w/ your e-mail address and I promise to get back to you. DM