My spiral into Depression

I learned at CCEF  ”almost anything can be at the root of depression: a recent illness in which you get behind in your work, hormonal changes, a reversal of fortune, the consequences of simple negligence, guilt over a particular sin, self-pity arising from jealousy or a disadvantageous turn of events, bad feelings resulting from resentment, worry, etc….the important fact to remember is that a depression does not result directly from any of those factors, but rather comes from a cyclical process in which the initial problem is mishandled in such a way that it is enlarged in downward helixical spirals that eventually plunge one into despair.

    Mine came about due to the death of a  vision.

WARNING: Going to talk about my faith….if that sort of thing gets under your skin….stop now…you won’t hurt my feelings.

______________________________________________________

May 4, 1980 7:48 PM I wrote this in the front cover of a little New Testament:  “I made a commitment to God to live my life for his Glory’

Translation:  Just like a  person entering into a marriage covenant , I entered into a “covenant” with God Himself….as an adult I made an intentional decision to become a believer.

As is often the case,  I desired to be more effective in reaching  out to other people…there was this restlessness in my life.  Looked at 50 different Christian Colleges, trying to decide whether to be a formally trained pastor, or marriage and family counselor…Moved from Iowa to New Jersey in 1985 (with two kids in tow) , enrolled @ CCEF, decided I was being called to be a bi-vocational pastor .   Carpenter by day,  teacher/facilitator when  I could….1990 returned to the Midwest with a strong sense of purpose.  I’d  experienced  5 years of intense discipleship/mentoring  in New Jersey and believed God had brought us home to pass on what I’d learned.

Things were great for the first 2  1/2  years,  then  began to butt heads with  our pastor  In hindsight, God set me up- we had two completely different  understandings for a healthy church.  His was a more traditional model-  I on the other hand craved  deeper relationships  that can’t be cultivated when you’re sitting in rows looking at the back of each others heads.  We had two different models..not wrong/ just different.  I know I  wore him out with our intense discussions.   It finally came to a head in November  of 1995- we left the church-  the hardest decision of my life (till then) – 90% of my closest friendships were in that church/ someone told me later, it felt like a divorce- (it did).

I was confused, I was angry-(I’m not giving you all the details- this would get too wordy)- I believed I would eventually  be a co-pastor that church….instead I was on the outside looking in.

The depression probably started  two years previous, and lingered  another year.  Things  gradually got better since 1996 – here we are 12 years later and there is still a bruise on my soul.  Just this morning, as we’ve been organizing our office, I came across several magazines and books related to mentoring and discipleship-  I pitched the magazines, and am selling  some of the books on e-bay. I have no aspiration or intention of ever taking an active role in leadership in a local church.  I’m no longer depressed    just broken- and there is a big difference.

Have you ever wrestled with depression?  What triggered it?  What brought you out of it? (if you’re out of it?)   What good came from it (if any)?

Have you ever watched your life  goal  die?  What was it and where are you at in the process now?

_______________________________

I originally wrote this in 2008 .  I was interacting with someone this morning about depression, when I mentioned I’d gotten a little taste of it myself, they asked if they could  hear my story…decided to re-post it for my new readers (all 3 of you)  DM

The voice in my head

Not to worry,  I’m not really hearing voices (yet)

As I was helping my wife clean this morning I had  negative   emotions dogging my every step.

When I stopped long enough  to understand what and why  I was feeling this way, I  couldn’t do it.

All the dark  thoughts popped back in their holes like moles in a mole game.

It  took me ten minutes  to put a label on what I was feeling.

“Disapproval”

I was feeling the emotions of disapproval

Disapproval: criticize.  to think (something) wrong  censure or condemn in opinion. 

(the opposite of  feeling like someone was giving me their blessing)

My wife had been asked to  tidy up a  senior housing apartment for a friend who was moving her mom to Seattle this week.

I offered to help out because my morning had suddenly freed up.

That sounds simple enough don’t you think?

Help wife with cleaning =  showing her love.

For the first 30 minutes I battled these dark negative feelings…

“What am I doing taking time off cleaning out a frig????

”   I  should be on the job working!!!!”

On and on like a broken record….

I am self employed…which means I can call my own hours.

I am between projects this morning/ the job I had hoped to do today was not ready so if I wasn’t helping my wife out, I would be home puttering in the shop/ picking apples/ etc.  no big deal breakers there

So where do these negative feelings come from?

They rob me of joy and energy like a short on a battery.

Instead of feeling like I am doing something good to encourage my wife, I am feeling like “someone” would disprove of what I am doing with my time.

Who in the heck is this “someone ” anyway???

I’d like to tell them to zip it, because I didn’t ask for their opinion

______________________________________-

These are not life and death issues

I hesitate to even write about them,  but  these low-grade negative feelings  rob me of my  peace of mind just as effectively as the bigger stuff.

Do I battle this stuff all the time? nada

I can take a nap  with the best of them pretty much  anytime the opportunity presents itself.

It wasn’t always that way.

For the first  several years after I got married and moved away from the farm, I battled the negative feelings….

even after I was a 1000 miles from home , I could feel  that pressure to be productive.

Not any more.

So it kind of takes me by surprise to discover there are still a few old  moles  tunneling around the recesses of my mind.

I’m kind of optimistic at this moment.

Whenever I can catch this sort of thing and drag it into the open, into the light, it has a way of breaking the power  of it.

Negative thoughts thrive in darkness.

They thrive in secrecy.

If you’re batting some deep dark  thing right now,

find someone safe,

someone you trust and share it with them.

If you don’t know anyone, feel free to tell me.

Leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you one on one.

I am pretty much  unflappable.

I don’t have to know who you are.  In fact, I don’t want to know.

That isn’t the point.

Nobody should have to carry dark things by themselves.

We are not designed to.

You’ll have to excuse me now while I take a nap. DM

knowing when to get angry

“You have to learn what’s worth getting angry about.”  Lester said to me  in his gentle way.

I was 16 years old, had just unleashed a string of profanities.

That conversation took place almost 40 years ago and  I can STILL remember it to this day.

I remember thinking, “You know, he’s right.  Nobody pays too much attention to me now when I get mad.  That can’t be good.”

Les  reminded me of Ben Franklin….

retired farmer,

bib overhauls,

in his 60′s.

Here’s an early crew photo…Lester is in the middle and I’m to his right:

Work crew from back in the day.  We had just finished pouring a basement wall.

And yes, that was a can of Old Mill in my hand.

________________________________________

These days, it does take a lot more to light the fire.

The fuse got lit on Tuesday.

I’m temporarily working with another construction company…

My work load had slowed up, and this crew needed some extra help.

Win win

Tuesday night  on the way home, my cell phone rang..it was the owner of the construction company…He’d just got off the phone with the customer of the job I’ve been at the past month.    It was implied we were taking too long to finish the project and we needed to start putting in 10 hour days.

You’ll have to take my word on this one, but I have been busting my chops the past 5 weeks  with a crew of 2 (just myself and a helper)

The week previous I  picked up some  little clues the boss thought we must surely be about done, he had sent Dave to round up the screw guns, and extension chords .  I could see we had at least another 2 to 3 weeks, assuming there were no more change orders.  To compound my frustration, the boss has not personally set foot on the job site for two weeks,…. he personally hates detail work   (which is what we have left to finish)…

Fast forward to this phone call….

After I hung up, Jack, who was riding in the truck with me and  who had heard my side of the conversation asked what that was all about?

I repeated what I’d been told.   He reacted with “That is bull@#$%”   (which is German for that is not fair)

We both felt unappreciated and misjudged.

I could feel the anger start to build.  Rather than just stuff it, I wrote a punch list (things yet to do) when I got home.

The next morning I was @ the shop 30 minutes early, with the intention of talking to the boss one on one.

When  I got there,  the crew was already starting to trickle in. I asked to talk  with the boss in the office.   He said he didn’t  think it was necessary so I gave him the punch list in front of the assembled.    I told him  someone else could finish those items because I had my hands full,  framing walls and installing glass board.

He told me I was over-responding, and made light of my frustration.

(this is in front of others mind you)

I told someone later the mind games and passive – aggressive behavior in the midst of conflict no longer works on me quite like they once did.

Anger in and of itself is not always a bad thing…..it all depends on what you do with it.

Anger reminds me of rocket fuel.

If you’re not careful, it can  ignite, blow up and you’ll have a bigger problem.

Anger can be a wonderful  motivator for change and conflict resolution.

Thoughts, comments, questions?

Musing after my biopsy

disclaimer.  Tonight’s post may be TMI for some.  I had a biopsy  procedure done today on my prostate.  Proceed accordingly.

_________________________

As we pulled out of the driveway after lunch today, a song was on my lips:

“I’m off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz….

because because because because..

because of all the wonderful things he does…” 

I looked at my  wife and we laughed . ..especially when we got to that  line about the “wonderful things he does.”

(we were both thinking about the “wonderful thing” the Doctor was going to be doing to me in little over an hour

My PSA count has been hovering slightly above normal now for a couple of years, and at my last appointment in June , it  jumped 2 points.

Dr looked @ me and suggested we needed to consider taking a biopsy  to rule out cancer.   I told him  the higher # was  just a lab error

He liked my attitude, but said  I needed to retake the blood work , just in case

The next day I had  the blood work done again and when the results came back ,  it had  2 more points.

When Pam the Dr’s nurse  called with the new numbers, I  agreed, I  would schedule  the  biopsy…..

reluctantly

The procedure is on an outpatient basis…no anesthetic .   Nurse and  Dr both said it tends to feel  like someone was snapping me on the rear with a rubber band.

That didn’t sound too bad going in….

Now that I’ve experienced it first hand, I would give you a different word picture….

It felt like the Wicked Witch  took  her broom handle and  inserted  it

somewhere it didn’t  belong,

snapped it of,

and I could still feel the slivers 8 hours later.

______________________________

After everything was all finished and we headed to the check out counter,  the girl  at the reception  desk said they were wondering what had happened to me.

I told her we got lost in the bowels of their clinic.  (keep in mind I’m @ a urology clinic   she was impressed w/ my quick wit.

_________________________________

After today’s procedure, I’m more  committed than ever to grow  old gracefully…..

We have a friend Helen ..she’ in her mid 80′s…

She’s my role model

She has the sweetest spirit.

Every time we see her, I come away encouraged.

She still has her mind, though her body is shot.

She’s been through enough  physical pain and heartache for 3 people.

(within a year’s time she buried her husband , a sister, and a grandson who chose to end his own life)

I asked her after the death of her grandson, how in the world she did it???

What was the secret of her resilient spirit?

It’s not that I don’t grieve, she told me..because she did.

She said, she’d learned that you have to let things go,

Sometimes, things will happen that  won’t make any sense…but you have to keep living.

She’d been through a lot and spoke with authority.

Writing this tonight, makes me want to stop and see her again…being around people like that gives me hope.

How about you…

Do you know an older person who is getting old gracefully?   How so?

Tell me more!

Time to hit the sack.  I’m supposed to lay low for a couple of days.  I’ll try.