I learned at CCEF ”almost anything can be at the root of depression: a recent illness in which you get behind in your work, hormonal changes, a reversal of fortune, the consequences of simple negligence, guilt over a particular sin, self-pity arising from jealousy or a disadvantageous turn of events, bad feelings resulting from resentment, worry, etc….the important fact to remember is that a depression does not result directly from any of those factors, but rather comes from a cyclical process in which the initial problem is mishandled in such a way that it is enlarged in downward helixical spirals that eventually plunge one into despair.
Mine came about due to the death of a vision.
WARNING: Going to talk about my faith….if that sort of thing gets under your skin….stop now…you won’t hurt my feelings.
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May 4, 1980 7:48 PM I wrote this in the front cover of a little New Testament: “I made a commitment to God to live my life for his Glory’
Translation: Just like a person entering into a marriage covenant , I entered into a “covenant” with God Himself….as an adult I made an intentional decision to become a believer.
As is often the case, I desired to be more effective in reaching out to other people…there was this restlessness in my life. Looked at 50 different Christian Colleges, trying to decide whether to be a formally trained pastor, or marriage and family counselor…Moved from Iowa to New Jersey in 1985 (with two kids in tow) , enrolled @ CCEF, decided I was being called to be a bi-vocational pastor . Carpenter by day, teacher/facilitator when I could….1990 returned to the Midwest with a strong sense of purpose. I’d experienced 5 years of intense discipleship/mentoring in New Jersey and believed God had brought us home to pass on what I’d learned.
Things were great for the first 2 1/2 years, then began to butt heads with our pastor In hindsight, God set me up- we had two completely different understandings for a healthy church. His was a more traditional model- I on the other hand craved deeper relationships that can’t be cultivated when you’re sitting in rows looking at the back of each others heads. We had two different models..not wrong/ just different. I know I wore him out with our intense discussions. It finally came to a head in November of 1995- we left the church- the hardest decision of my life (till then) – 90% of my closest friendships were in that church/ someone told me later, it felt like a divorce- (it did).
I was confused, I was angry-(I’m not giving you all the details- this would get too wordy)- I believed I would eventually be a co-pastor that church….instead I was on the outside looking in.
The depression probably started two years previous, and lingered another year. Things gradually got better since 1996 – here we are 12 years later and there is still a bruise on my soul. Just this morning, as we’ve been organizing our office, I came across several magazines and books related to mentoring and discipleship- I pitched the magazines, and am selling some of the books on e-bay. I have no aspiration or intention of ever taking an active role in leadership in a local church. I’m no longer depressed 
just broken- and there is a big difference.
Have you ever wrestled with depression? What triggered it? What brought you out of it? (if you’re out of it?) What good came from it (if any)?
Have you ever watched your life goal die? What was it and where are you at in the process now?
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I originally wrote this in 2008 . I was interacting with someone this morning about depression, when I mentioned I’d gotten a little taste of it myself, they asked if they could hear my story…decided to re-post it for my new readers (all 3 of you) 
DM
Tags: anger, attitude, Christianity, depression, faith, Gilgal Bible Chapel West Milford NJ, goals, house church, Life, mental-health, passion, personal, relationships, religion, self esteem, spirituality, thoughts, vision
August 26, 2012 at 1:04 pm |
Dear DM! I appreciate it so much! So did leaving the ministry help you to get out of depression? I know that my perception of failure is so different from God’s. Usually, I just don’t see the big picture, until later. Sometimes I feel like I let God down with me quitting, but other times, I barely allow myself to hope that all will be well, God is with me, the move will be good and there are number of things I have learned through the experience. I know one thing, I do not wish to go back to organized ministry work. Actually, I wanted to ditch ministry all together, but I catch myself still having the desire to share the things God shows me, just not in an organized way, I would like to share myself more freely and naturally. I said once in the spirit of rebellion that I don’t want to desciple, I want to have friends. And it worked great for me! Expectations and pressure to be successful in ministry killed it for me. I want to de-church and de-institutionalize myself, and just love God again, and not Christianity. Well, without leaving the church, I actually like my church. And maybe later I will go back to ministry work, but not yet. Once I get out.
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You asked if getting out of ministry helped w/ the depression…yes it did..even though my involvement was not ever in a paid sort of way to begin with. Felt like I had an infected tooth pulled. the way you describe not wanting to “disciple” is very much what I experienced (and experience to this day) I have this sense that we in the “organized/ Western” version of the Christian church have several unhealthy attitudes that we embrace when it comes to knowing/ serving/ loving God. We make it too mechanical, to business like/ to task centered/ we can very easily go through all the motions of “church” and never realize Jesus is not even in our midst. I am expectant you will regain your joy and your bearings as you return home later this year. DM
August 26, 2012 at 2:27 pm |
I now know how to describe the remnant feeling from the one (God willing the only) bout with depression. A bruise on my soul. Do you ever fear that downward spiral happening again? I do. Thank you for being so candid.
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I’ve never thought about that before Heather…that downward spiral happening again…at least the next time I’ll know what’s going on..the first time took me by surprise..didn’t know what was going on, it was a very confusing time .DM
August 27, 2012 at 8:02 am |
1995 was the watershed year for me as well. No doubt I went through depression when I lost my ministry… a downward spiral. I found out that what I had at one time used as quiet time and devotional time was substituted for sermon preparation. I had forgot to feed my own soul as I was trying to feed others. The result was devastating to my walk with the Lord… on the outside doing what was expected and on the inside Spiritually drying up.
I lost my ministry and ultimately my marriage. I withdrew from the church only to find that in most ways over time I became closer to God and had a closer relationship than I ever had before.
I survived it and came out on the other side a changed person. More focused on the inner man as opposed to the focus of the shell sitting in the pew. It has taken years , however, to lose the bruise. Forgiving and being forgiven helps me deal with the pain… but it still is sore spot. I am not sure even after all this time if the bruise is completely gone. It doesn’t look bruised but the spot is still tender and I find myself still protecting it much as I possibly can. Sometimes in life there isn’t enough Neosporin to heal every wound.
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David, Glad you came out the other side! DM
August 28, 2012 at 7:55 pm |
I can honestly say that no, I have never battled depression but I have some close family members who have and, in turn, I have (somewhat) been there with them. I appreciated you sharing your story and think He perhaps had another plan for you, another route, and yet another way for you to get to exactly where He needed you to be.
I don’t know many men of faith, it just wasn’t modeled for me where I grew up. Church was a womanly activity .. so I admire and appreciate your willingness to share your experience with all of us.
MJ
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Actually, I had never experienced depression either up until that point, I had no clue or reference point. Haven’t experienced it since, and really never want to go there again. DM
September 6, 2012 at 11:47 pm |
I have wrestled with intense depression my entire life, due to a toxic broth of genetics and childhood trauma. For many years, suicide was my back-up plan. In 2002, I talked about those childhood traumas for the first time in my life to a friend, at age 27. It opened Pandora’s box and every boiling, warped malignancy that ever lurked in my soul came screaming out in a swarm of darkness. in crisis and at the breaking point, I had just enough tools within my reach to choose something besides suicide, and something different turned out to be a therapist named Bonnie. Bonnie was truly brought into my life by a higher power, although as an agnostic I certainly didn’t know it at the time. Working with her enabled me to break out of the patterns I’d unconciously been repeating, and to restructure myself from the foundation up. My spiritual side was set free and an intense and beautiful relationship with my higher power was born. I’m very happy to say that although I still experience bouts of depression, I know with bone-deep certainty that depression lies. I know how to turn a deaf ear to its lies until it works through its cycle. Thanks for your post – as always, it leads me to dwell on deeper things than recipes and composting.
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That is such an encouraging story. thank you for sharing that Farmer Taft! DM
September 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm |
I know you wrote this awhile ago; just wanted to say you “mentor” people in other ways. I have seen how you comment on people’s blogs that you’re available to help, listen, etc…I know it’s not the same as what you had planned, but I think it’s still valuable what you do for others.
appreciate you taking the time to say “hi” and for the affirmation 
DM
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thanks
October 3, 2012 at 8:22 am |
Hi DM-
Want to echo what Barb Markway said…I believe your mentorship continues in the way you choose to live your life. I will speak for me personally…I feel strongly that just reading your blog, for me, is encouragement…because I see you living your life in such a full, empowered way, wrestling all the time with how to live your best and most godly life– and taking action, all the time…you being you, in the semi-public forum of your blog (and your farm, and your music series, and your contruction business and the classes you teach about construction, and your b&b)– is setting an example and “teaching” every bit as much as you might be in a more formal religious role.
We all find teachers and helpers wherever we are, not just in church or in school…which means we all have the chance to BE teachers and helpers wherever we are. This is what often gives me a sense of purpose…knowing that my actions matter, WHEREVER I am, because we are all touching other people ALL THE TIME.
I used to get very depressed…I occasionally get less mildly depressed now. But most of the time, I know that what I do matters…I guess that’s enough to keep me from going down that spiral. I know I am needed and useful and have opportunities to help, and I have projects and projects enough that I will never finish. Life engages me, I always have more to do to be better to others and better to myself. Being engaged with life like this…provides the insulation (against depression) that I lacked when I was younger.
Another great thought-provoking blog from you! Thank you!