“Society is commonly too cheap. We meet at very short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value for each other. We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are……certainly less frequency would suffice for all important and hearty communications…”
from his essay on solitude Thoreau
_____________________________________
“I missed you” my wife told me this morning.
Music to my ears.
She just got back from spending 3 days with a good friend who is grieving the loss of her son.
Things have been a little tense (stale?) around here, lately so I chuckled and and mumbled something about being “good fresh cheese/ and not stale musty cheese”
__________________________
There is a rhythm to relationships…
all relationships…
friendships, family relationships, even Internet blogging relationships…
reminds me of this verse from Ecclesiastes: “There is a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing…”
I (had) a friend who used to stop by to chat.
He would stop by on Sunday afternoons.
I noticed I started to get this knot/ uptight feeling in my gut Sunday afternoons.
I would feel a nap coming on, and think….hummm, it’s been 3 or 4 weeks since my friend had last stopped…I wonder if today he’ll pop in….
These would not be 30 minute visits, they would last for a couple of hours.
Things finally came to a head.
One Sunday, we were getting ready to leave for a birthday party…Wife and I were scurrying around, I still needed to shave…
This friend pulls into the driveway, I meet him at the door, he steps into the kitchen, I say to him...’Today’s probably not a good day for a visit…I need to get ready for a party,”
he replies…“Go ahead and get ready…”
he continues to stand there, looking like he has no intention of leaving….
It ticked me off. Can’t remember what I said after that, but it took some additional coaxing for me to help him connect the dots, that now was not going to work, and he would have to leave…
We have another friend, whom we see 3 or 4 times a year….tops
We’ve been known to close down a Starbucks on more than one occasion…reminds me of those days when I would sit for hours engrossed in a deep conversation with someone on a Saturday night in a bar….it would feel like we were in a bubble, and the people and noise all around us were not really there.
As I thought about this second friendship and the frequency of our getting together’s , I said to the friend who had a hard time connecting the dots when it came time to leave
.“I would prefer we just together every 6 to 8 weeks..”
(My thought was, in this other friendship, which I dearly enjoy, we can go 8 to 12 weeks between visits, then getting together only every 6 to 8 seems more balanced with the rest of my life)
He took it well enough I thought at the time…. I said maybe we could do a little more communicating via e-mail…
(side note : I have not seen or heard from him again, as of this writing it’s been about 30 weeks.. ..I’ve called, e-mailed and sent him a note, oh well, )
What I was experiencing in this relationship is not uncommon…. it is part of being human.
When the knot in my stomach would start and I would have these thoughts about not being a “good friend”. this verse would pop into my head:
“Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.” from the book of Proverbs 25:17
yep, that pretty much summed up what I was feeling…
(boy am I on a roll this week..two verses in one blog post 
)
So here’s to all of us who enjoy interacting with people…
Sometimes less is better.
Even in the world of cheese…it’s all about timing.
ps if you’re ever looking for a gift ideas for me… I love swiss cheese DM
Tags: attitude, Christianity, family, friendship, house church, Life, love, marriage, personal, relationships, spirituality, thoughts
September 16, 2012 at 10:04 pm |
Good to know – about the cheese, that is!!
DM
________________
Hi Lawyerchik. thanks for checking in!
September 19, 2012 at 4:58 am |
All relationships are a bit of a dance, are they not? We’ve been where you were with the pop-in friend, the one with good intentions who stays too long, comes over too often, feels a little too at-home? Finally had to bridge the news that it wasn’t working quite the same for us and then – well you know what happens – we’re the jerks.
When we draw a line in the sand we have to be prepared to stand behind it .. and to know that, for a bit, no one else will be standing with us.
Great post!
MJ
______________________
Always great to hear from you MJ….like that reminder…’know for a bit, no one else may be standing with us…” I know tonight’s your date night…have fun! DM
September 25, 2012 at 11:56 am |
I actually work with my two best friends, we see each other every day almost 7 days a week. We have made it a rule that on weekends we are not allowed to contact each other for anything work related and we also try to go out for drinks or dinner one night a week to keep our friendships alive. That scripture you quoted is something that I think applies to anyone who is a more private person…I know I am. Sharing things online is even really stressful to me. When my friends know too much or spend too much time with me I get reclusive and angry…Much like your example with the party/friend showing up unannounced.
Of course i’d just get angry and throw them out…lol! you have more patience!!
_______________-
Nice to hear from you Su! DM
October 3, 2012 at 7:24 am |
Hi DM,
I haven’t been visiting your blog much this summer and I just realized how much I missed it! (Guess my reaction to your blog is a perfect illustration of what you are talking about…it’s a double-blessing to read your blog since I’ve “been away” so long…makes your “voice” even more enoyable for me…)
Hubbie and I have been “dancing” this week, one smallish argument but a lot of tension between us…a rarity, as we are almost always “fine” together…no time to resolve anything because he’s had to cover a 14-16 hour, shift, daily, this whole time… I’ve had moments where it just KILLS me to have tension between us, but the reality of relationships comes to mind at other times– sometimes we are fresh cheese, sometimes musty old cheese, and sometimes, that stinky cheese that seemed like a delicacy (well, at least to me, I LOVE stinky cheese) just seems like STINKY CHEESE. But, coming back to gratitude, which seems to cure a lot of my ills…I am still glad to have my big hunk of stinky cheese. Better stinky cheese, anyday, than nothing at all….
Thanks, as always, for your blog, and the things you choose to share. It’s always food for thought and puts me in a more contemplative and sometimes more peaceful frame of mind…
October 3, 2012 at 7:26 am |
P.S. Don’t tell my husband that I called him “a big hunk of stinky cheese!”
…not sure he’d appreciate the comparison 