This post is written to the Christian parent who finds themselves dealing with a prodigal child (or children).
Dear fellow parent,
As I sit here this morning, our children range in age from 32 down to 25. The last 17 years have felt like I’ve chopped my way through the Amazon jungles on foot. Many, many times I felt lost, did not have a clue as to where I was at or if I were even heading in the right direction .
I have to tell you, once the overt rebellious stuff started happening, I realized there is are overly simplistic and naive schools of thought in the Christian camp about our children and how to keep them from wallowing in all of the crap this world has to offer.
You can do it all right…not try to jam your faith down their throat, be an approachable parent, willing to own up when you’re wrong, involve them in good activities, try your best to help them find good friendships, and avoid the bad ones, participate in youth programs, church, even send them away to a Bible school…do it all, and there is NO guarantee, they will still not chose to shack up with some looser of a boyfriend or, binge drink till they black out...week after week.….
Then what are you going to do?
Nag?
preach ?
take them for counseling?
Second guess yourself?
….if only I had been more firm when I first noticed she had a strong will!
Why didn’t I do a better job of looking into _________________(fill in the blank)
What do you do with the anger? Because at some point, besides feeling afraid for your dear child, there’s a good chance you’re going to be angry about something that has happened…maybe their blatant disrespect or sass, …maybe at someone they “love” , or are running around with…
What
To
Do
About
The
Anger???
As I sit here this morning 2 of our 4 children are still sexually active outside of marriage. (at least I’m 95% sure they are, they’d never tell us that is the case, but it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to connect the dots…
So, what is my role in their life, and what is my attitude with them as they continue to make choices that will bring them emotional pain, not to mention some STD or unplanned child, etc?
What do I do with the stuff you feel?
Biggest help has been finding another parent that “get’s it” and rant together.
Nothing wrong with ranting.
Second thing… I can’t emphasize this strongly enough…
Nagging does not work
Getting angry with them does not work
See, deep down, they feel conflicted…and second thing..it’s not about you, if sure feels like it is, I know but it’s not…it’s between them and God…
And at the end of the day, God has got to be the one to reel them in, and he is able. I’ve seen it twice now..and there is a good chance they will have even more spiritual depth than their parents when it happens.
Keep the lines of communication open
Resist those temptations to draw a line in the sand and say..if you do ________________, then I’m through trying….
Nope, best thing you can do, is to find another adult and unload.
Couple of final thoughts…
If you kids do happen to turn out, right, don’t be to quick to take the credit..
I’m sitting here 17 yrs into the crisis called parenting older teens and I still have my joy, the kids still love to come home for visit, 2 out of 4 have found their way back spiritually, and the wife and I still love each other…nobody said parenting was a walk in the park.
Drop me a note if you need to talk. DM
Tags: anger, attitude, binge drink, family, house church, Iowa, parenting, relationships, sex, thoughts, vacation
September 24, 2012 at 5:24 pm |
Awesome post!
I am not a parent yet, but I already worry about things like this in the future. But, you are right, God has to reel them in. Their faith has to be their faith, not their parent’s faith. The most you can do is love them and pray for them.
I have had friends who have fallen away from the faith. Interestingly, I have watched several of them already come back… On their own terms in God’s time. Sometimes even while they are making what seem to be terrible choices, they still have the foundation God made when they were children. They know, they learn and grow.
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Thanks! DM
September 25, 2012 at 4:49 am |
The sound you hear is a standing ovation, DM! You will help many with this post,
MJ
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September 26, 2012 at 12:12 am |
I can hear your frustration, DM. What you say about it feeling personal but it isn’t, oh you hit the nail on the head. It’s between themselves and themselves only, as they try to sort out their own truth from all the outside noise. When they find their truth, and can sit in the quiet of it for a spell, then God will have a chance to corner them for a little sit-down. You just have to find ways too reconcile yourself to the fact that this isn’t your battle, and finding a friend to crab with will help you stay out of their way while they’re hunting down their demons.
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Thanks for hearing me! DM
September 26, 2012 at 8:39 am |
With my dad as a minister I grew up in a “fishbowl” of scrutiny and I can definitely say that I was a bit of a prodigal kid during highschool. My parents way of dealing with it was to try and give me the best advice and guidance but let me make some mistakes. I still got punished (enough to make them say I couldn’t get my license or drive till I was 18!) and all but they also dealt with the “issues” that were causing me to be that prodigal kid. I’m not sure their laid back approach was the best but I have to say that my dad always said “you’ll come back home” and I did. I don’t know if that’s sheer luck or wisdom beyond his years hahah. I think I’d handle it differently but that’s me, being the product of a certain way of growing up…. O I’d handle it differently only really because I made it out of it on my own. My parents probably planned that.
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Glad you’re back on track SU! DM
October 2, 2012 at 4:34 pm |
This was ‘deja vu’ again, for me…I was looking through old emails just yesterday and found one grim you on this exact topic…you sound about as upset now as you wesawre then…but you also sound like you’ve come to much more acceptance and calm (at least after you’ve had a little run of ranting to clear your head.
). And it’s not so personal….as I said to you then, I hope you are still around in 10 yrs. when my girls are teenagers…I may have to drive out there to Iowa , all the way from New York to let you talk some sense into my husband ( or maybe just so you can sympathize with HIS rants) out of your hard-won wisdom….I think there is a good chance hhe will.have 10x your anger if our kids go.the prodigal route…
October 2, 2012 at 4:41 pm |
Sorry for the typos at the end of my comments…just wanted to say, I admire your honest wrestling with these issues…having my husband in mind, I will say one thing, though…coming, as he does, from the Gulf,where all gender relations are severely restricted, and women still suffer terribly for any and all perceived “indiscretions”, whether they are her fault or not….I’ll take your dilemma anytime, i.e. “how to raise children to behave as you’d like them to, in a FREE society”, over the alternative….it’s hard on a parent, no doubt, but it still seems preferable to living in a society where repression is the norm!
October 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm |
Ugh – remind me of this in a few years. I’m hoping you’ll be the one I can rant too! Given their stubbornness already at this age, I have a feeling I will need it.
DM
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You guys are doing a great job laying the foundation…. You betcha…we’ll be all ears if and when you need them