No more shame

“I’ve thought about every word you said,” Dan told me on Friday….and the shame is gone…completely gone. I haven’t felt this light and free in years.“

___________________________________________

End of November I (Douglas)  spent an extended weekend high in the mountains of Colorado at a men’s retreat working through some issues.   I wasn’t sure quite what to expect as I got there, I told someone later, I felt like I was going to have a “spiritual colonoscopy”

Colon cancer runs in our family, so I’ve had the “opportunity” to be scoped on more than one occasion. Once you hit 50, it’s recommended everyone get’s one of these, but if you’re like most chickens (I mean people)  we put it off and put it off…the thing is, if you catch the polyps early it is a very treatable cancer..the problem comes when you wait….

So too, in life,  personal  issues that are ignored usually don’t  just magically go away…they tend to grow and fester…so early on in our marriage, when  I found myself completely stuck and confused,  at a point of desperation, I reached out for help.  It taught me a valuable lesson.  Why  should I  spend months (or years)  struggling with the same old crap  when an answer may be forthcoming in  a 60 minute conversation if I have the gut’s and I’m humble enough to say “I’m stuck, I have a problem…can  you help?”

This stuff was never modeled for me growing up.  I’ve had to learn it the hard way.

So, over the years in our marriage, and through the turbulent teenage years, we’ve proactively sought out help, whenever it became obvious, we were over my heads…after the 2nd or 3rd issue, it isn’t really that much different from  making an appointment to see the dentist if you have a toothache….

I am not at liberty at the present to talk about specifics..there may come a day in the not too distant future where I will write about it but not yet…    Some long standing, buried, pain has been  coming to light this Summer and Fall, and I decided to step up to the plate and deal with it head on…hence my trip to Colorado.

Most of us have painful “stuff” in  our lives no one else knows about…I don’t have to list it here…if you have it, then you know what I’m talking about.  Well, stop for just a second and try to imagine the sting of that pain being gone…not just suppressed but gone…..

After my trip to Colorado,   I  happened to tell Dan about some of the radical  emotional freedom I was  experiencing…I wasn’t  even aware of the hurts in his life…he trusted me enough to tell me his story He told me he had been having flash backs and night mares…dark shameful memories had dogged him for years…. I listened, and encouraged him…and hadn’t thought any more about our conversation..then he told me on Friday,  “I’ve thought about every word you said,”….and the shame is gone…completely gone. I haven’t felt this light and free in years.“

I have no idea who may stumble across this particular blog post at some point.  God has an amazing way of allowing people’s paths to cross in the most serendipitous fashions….anyway, if you’re reading this and are at a broken stuck place in your life and need someone to talk to…(or are not there currently but have something to add to this conversation, let me know)

Time to get moving.  Sincerely,   DM

 

That’s not a knife…

Young  widow lives just up the road from us.

She called yesterday.

Wanted to know if  a red van  had stopped by our place  recently?

Why yes I said, but we hadn’t answer the door only because our son had called and given us the heads up.

Red van had stopped @ his place.  A young hispanic, in her late teens/ early 20′s had asked if she  could clean his carpet for free.  They had a couple of crews in the area and  were checking with  all the neighbors…  see who else might want a free cleaning…..  all they asked was  to have a chance to give a short sales pitch.

She was very smooth,  asked too many questions,  was way too observant.. Son said it took 15 minutes to get rid of her….

Young widow who called me  was not so lucky. The 3 cleaning guys weaseled their way into her house, even after she’s point blank said she was busy and didn’t have time.  She told me it took over 4 hours to get rid of them, and that was only after she  threatened to get out her shotgun…and yes she really does have one      This same van then stopped by her brothers place.  The sheriff  was called.  Turned out all three men had criminal records, and one had an outstanding warrant.  Warrant said he was to be considered possibly armed and dangerous.

___________________________

We live in a broken world.

That is the cold hard truth.

Even if you mind your own business and play by the rules.

___________________________________

Have to tell you a story my grandpa told me…

Grandpa was   one of 13 children, 6 boys and  7 girls.

That’s him in the back, far left

He grew up farming with horses.

The boys used to wrestle in the  haymow  for entertainment.

In his prime, grandpa stood  6 foot 2, weighed  240 pounds.

One of the gentlest, most soft hearted men you would ever meet.

I heard it said more than once, there was not a person Grandpa didn’t get along with….that’s probably where I get some of my disposition.

One Saturday afternoon   grandpa stopped by  Hayen’s  general store, collecting for their country church.   Five young men were hanging around  outside waiting for the dance to begin.

Grandpa said  “hi”  , but the guys just grunted. Back  in the 1920′s some people looked down their noses @ the Germans in the area.

Twenty minutes later as he  walked  out the store, someone hit him on the back of the head.

  ”As I came out the door of the store someone hit me from behind. 

The next thing I knew I had 4 or 5 guys piling on top of me. 

I got  up and started swinging.

By the time it was over,  the last one  was in  the car  hiding in the back seat.”

________________________________________________________

Heard on NPR yesterday, that the crime rates in New York City and elsewhere continue to trend downwards…while @ the same time, gun sales and gun ownership is @ an all time high…..Makes sense to me.

The trick is to love people,  be engaged with life yet  without loosing sight of the fact there is such a thing as evil.

I’ll close with this short clip from one of my favorite movies…..

Making hooch old school

Got the recipe for making jail house  hooch on Wednesday.

Brian and I were   talking about life behind bars….

As in what it’s like doing time in the Cook County Jail.

We got onto the topic of making jail house  hooch.

I love learning about stuff like that.

It’s not about getting a buzz  as much as discovering  how something works.

As Brian put it, “When you’re behind bars, you have a lot of time on your hands   This is just one more thing to do to break up  your  day.”

______________________________

Before my grandpa passed away,   John and I stopped by his  house  with a  tape recorder.

I  wanted to record him  retelling the stories I’d heard a hundred times growing up.

One of  my favorites was about his brother Manno making moonshine.

They had the still hidden in a hog feeder.

The day we taped him, I was in for a surprise.

Grandpa gave us the recipe 

“ You take a hundred pounds of sugar,  a bushel of Rye.  let it soak for a week.  Put it on the stove, bring it to a boil.  In  the lid you have a hole to let the steam out.  Attach  a coil of  tube to the hole .  Put the end of the tube in the jug.  That’s all there is to it.“

_________________________________________________

When I think about  alcohol  (now) the first  thing  that comes to my mind  is “ Who is in Control?”

The booze or me?

There is nothing innately evil about alcohol itself.

It is what it is.

I probably have 3 or 4  servings of  alcohol   a years.

My struggles are  in other areas.

I don’t believe you have to completely abstain to be in good standing with The Almighty.

You live long enough and you discover,  alcohol has a mind of it’s own.

Just ask someone who’s addicted .

That’s why  early in our marriage my wife and I  decided we would not   drink unless we were in the company of each other.

(Or immediate family).

Stopping @ the bar after work for a couple of beers is a great way to undermine your marriage.

If you really want to  be  radical,  next time you’re out with your friends   order  ice water with lemon

…or coffee (black)

It messes with people’s minds.

Besides,  alcohol makes me sleepy.

You’ll have to excuse me,

I need to  check on the still.   DM

___________________________________________

31 years on the anvil of life

       I looked @ my wife Wednesday  as we sat in  bed sipping on our morning coffee  and said-  ”Can you believe  it was thirty-one years ago today we were married?”

      We spent some time reflecting on some of the stuff we’d been through,  It has not been a smooth ride.

        It started on our honey moon.  She got her period on day 2.

 Day three wife says to me-  “I need some time alone.” 

  Say what????  

     I can still remember those stupid little ducks running around the lakeside cottages near Hot Springs Ark.   Duck crap on the ground, wife wanting to be by herself- not exactly my idea of the perfect honeymoon

     Six month  later,   wife is in the  midst of daily  vomiting.   She had it bad.    This pattern would repeat itself  every time she became pregnant.

      I said to her Wednesday -  “How in the world did you do it with 4 little ones?????!!!”  

   She said,”  When I was pregnant with  JD , I would have to take Pinky (who was a toddler) into the bathroom with me  so I could keep an eye on her when I felt sick.”

    I (DM)  remember  feeling overwhelmed with the added expense of  diapers, baby formula,  medical bills.    I  had no idea  what  my wife’s days were like.

       The 3rd year of marriage we moved next door to the County Care Facility-  It was home not only to the elderly but  people with  issues.  Dave wasn’t mentally retarded so I figured all he needed was a little encouragement.   I would invite him over Monday nights to talk.     We would sit around our little kitchen table,  drinking  chocolate milk, trying to get to the bottom of Dave’s problems while my two young daughters flitted in and out of the kitchen. This went on for 2 years. 

There was never any change in his life.  

     I came home from work one day.   My wife looked at me  and said, “Dave came over uninvited today.”-

      Not good. 

    I went over to the care facility and chewed him out.  He knew he wasn’t supposed to be coming over unannounced.  The more time I had spent with him, the more convinced I was  there were things going on in his life that were beyond me.   Come to find out later, he  got in trouble with the law doing some inappropriate stuff with young boys….hummm

   As our kids hit the teen years, that’s when it really   hit the fan.  Cindy  ran away when she was 14.     Our third daughter  battled a  mysterious medical issue  for a year  before the Dr diagnosed it as panic attacks.

     I remember standing in the Dr’s office during this season of our lives   feeling like an elephant was stepping on my chest.  It was stress.  A couple of years later, one of the girls was sexually assaulted.    I can still remember taking her to the emergency room and making a  statement to  the police.   I  wanted  to find the young man  and break both of his legs.   I didn’t want to kill him-  just get his attention.   

    I recently told a friend who is an atheist  “Christians are far from perfect. If you  ever run  into  one  that claims to be, stay as far away from him as you can  because he is  lying.”

     Too often, people of faith are guilty of  portraying their lives as one big success story.   They mistakenly believe that to allow others to see them struggle will somehow  lessen their credibility, when in reality I believe the opposite is true. 

     We have a dear friend who recently lost her husband of 35 years.  She  and her husband have been the  couple  we’ve turned to  when we’ve needed some help working through an issue.  She told us  she had been  invited to get together recently with 5 other widows-   she  came away from their conversations  very frustrated.   All they wanted to talk  about was the positive.  What  she longed for was have someone ask her how she was  really doing.  She asked one of the women a pointed question about her own grief and  she didn’t know what to say.     

      Here’s a toast to living life more authentically.

    I have to tell you one last story. 

     A few years ago,  we became friends with a single mom.  Things started out great.  She added a whole new dimension to our lives.  Then things started to get wierd…that’s all I’ll say about it except for this:      That relationship brought more stress into our lives than the other 25 years combined.

     My wife said to me Wednesday  my eyes still twinkle when I look at her.  I would have to say the same about her.

      I just finished reading the rough draft of this to my wife and here’s  what she said:  “That is just some of the ”stuff”  and secondly-  You did want to kill him- “

    As always, thanks for reading my stuff.  DM

   

They called it teasing

  

    “The air was dank, tainted with the odors of steam, sweat and skin.  Years of rust and sediment from the dripping shower heads and armies of bare, wet feet had marbled the floor with streaks and patches of reddish brown.

     The authorities, clad in uniforms and carrying clipboards and whistles, marched the boys in, at least forty of them, all roughly the same age but many different sizes, strengths, and levels of maturity.  The dates of their births, the locations of their homes, and the simple luck of the draw had brought them here, and much like cattle earmarked for shipment, they had no voice in the matter.  The paperwork was in.  This room would be a part of their lives for the next four years.

     He had never been in this place, or anywhere like this place before.  He had never imagined such a place could even exist.  In here, kindness meant weakness, human warmth was a complication, and encouragement was unmanly.  In here, harshness was the guiding virtue- harshness, cruelty, and the blunt, relentless confirmation of every doubt he’d ever carried about himself.

      Mr M. a fearsome authority figure with a permanent scowl and a voice that yelled- only yelled- ordered them to strip down.  His assistants, clones of his cruelty, repeated the order, striding up and down the narrow aisles between the lockers.

     The boy hesitated, looking furtively about.  HE’d never been naked in front of strangers before, but even worse, he’d never been naked in front of enemies.  It had taken only one hour in gym class for the others to select him, to label him, and to put him in his place.  He was now officially the smallest one, the scared one, the weakling, the one without friends.  That made him fair game when it came time for showers.

      He he would be naked in front of them.  Naked.  His stomach wrung; his hands trembled.  Please God, get me out of here.  Please don’t let them do this to me.

     But every authority figure in his life had said he had to be here.  He had to go to school, do his chores, finish his homework, keep his shoes tied, go to bed and get up at certain hours, eat his vegetables, and be here.  End of discussion.

    He removed his clothes.

    Mr M continued his yelling.  “Come on, move it, move it, move it!”

     The herd- pink, black, brown, and bronze- moved in one direction and all he could do was move with it- a frail, naked body among the forty, longing for a towel, anything to cover himself.  Every other body was bigger, and stronger, and every other body had hair where the boy had none.  He knew they would notice.

     The showers were a long, high-ceiling echo chamber, murky with steam, rattling with lewd, raucous joking and laughter.  He didn’t want to hear it.

      After a big kid finished his shower, the boy carefully took his place under the showerhead, afraid  of slipping and even more afraid of grazing against anyone.  He let the water spray over him.  He hurriedly lathered his body with some soap.

     To his left, the talk started about him.  Then some laughing.  The talk spread, the call went out, “Hey, get a load of this!”  And audience gathered, a semicircle of naked dripping bodies.  The talk about him shifted to jeering at him.  He tried to act as if he didn’t hear them, but he could feel his face flushing.  Get through, get through, get out of here!

     He rinsed as well as he could , never turning away from the wall, then headed for the towel-off area, not meeting their eyes, trying to ignore their comments about his face, his body, his groin.  But the arrows were landing with painful accuracy: “Ugly”  “Wimp” “Gross” “Little girl.”

     He grabbed a towel off the cart and draped it around himself before he even started drying with it.  Even that action brought lewd comments and another lesson:  Once it begins, no action, no words, no change in behavior will turn it back.  Once you’re the target, anything you do will bring another arrow….. ” to be continued 

______________________________________________

    This is an excerpt from Frank Peretti’s book No More Victims    His words felt hauntingly familiar to me  (DM).   How about you?   Were you the brunt of any teasing growing up?  What did it feel like?   Has it left any scars?  Before someone is tempted to put a positive spin on this one, let’s take a  little time to tell our stories.

       I know, when life gives us lemons we’re supposed to make lemonade and all that other good stuff..but I’ve also watched   some  of my kids  experience   hellacious harassment in school- and  I suspect  they may still carrying the wounds today.

     Thoughts, questions, comments?

What Do You See?

      “When you look at me Father, what do you see?

      “I see a scared little boy, who needs his Father…. you’re coming home with me, meet me down stairs.”

There is a pause in the conversation….and then:

      “But I’m not a little boy any more, I am a man, I am an Olympian…and I’m not going to go with you “

                              from the movie,   Cool Running

_______________________________________________________

    Have you seen the movie Cool Running?  Its a slap stick comedy based on a true story about a Jamaican bobsled team.   Silly movie with some great messages. 

   One of the team members  has a rich father who treats his son like he’s still 10 years old- even though he’s finished college and made  the Jamaican team for the Olympics.    Boy is still intimidated by his dad..a watershed moment comes in their relationships after another team member sees his insecurity and gives him a new vision for who he  can be as his son.  A portion of their conversation  is how this musing started out.

      You – what do you see when you look in the mirror?  A scared little boy (or girl)?    It doesn’t matter what your parents see- what matters is what you see…and unfortunately,  some parents will continue to treat you as their child until you call them on it.

     I’ve been blessed with 4 children-  as a parent I see 4  people who have blossomed into young adults…our relationship has changed they are now my peers…and the amazing thing is..they still want to keep in touch, they tell me that they love me and even give me  hugs

     Here’s a picture of some of us on Christmas eve:  

      

     Wishing  those of you that know us…. A Merry Christmas  DM

Finding My Voice Part 1

      Pushy people come in all shapes and sizes.

    

    It could  be your parent, pastor, co-worker ,boss, sibling, friend or even  classmate.

      Last week a friend  came back into my life after 15 years.   He is one of those people that often  left me drained after a conversation.  I discovered something as we talked…..I’ve changed.   I used to  keep silent in the face of challenging questions or opinions offered without invitation.   The intimidation  and pressure I felt as we talked felt so familiar and strong but instead of me  resorting to  the  doormat mentality  (which was my old pattern) ,   I verbally pushed back. 

         Yea me

      Some people have no problem speaking their mind, standing their ground.  My friend Amber strikes me as someone like that     She is a person you want in your corner.

     I would describe myself as starting out on the opposite end of the spectrum…..People Pleas-er to the Nth degree….yuck.

     I believe finding your  voice is a transferable concept. 

        I’d like to take  the next two posts to talk about this life skill.  I’ve certainly not arrived yet, I know there are things some of you can teach me, yet at the same time, I have grown..significantly, and it would be selfish of me to not at least share what I’ve learned.  Here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

   #1  I look at all of life  like  a Continuing Education Program.  (I’m not just making this up …this is one of my life metaphors.)     15 years ago I identified  people pleasing  as a problem.  (That is half the battle, identifying the issue.) Three years ago  I found myself working for a pushy contractor,  (I’ll call him Mr Pushy)  I thought to myself: “Good, he will  force me to speak up on occasion,”

     Quick story…

        March 2007 , my cousin passed away.  Friday, the day of the funeral,  my employee’s went in to work for  Mr Pushy without me.  Monday morning  Mr Pushy leaves  a message on my cell phone  whining about how little got done on Friday.   During the 20 minute commute to work  I had a chance to think long and hard about whether or not I wanted to continue to work for him…by the time I got to work, I  was hot.  

        The first thing out of Mr Pushy’s mouth, “Did you see what your boys got done on Friday?”    I was standing about 2 feet in front of him and I let him have it.  It was  an out of body experience,  like watching my dad.  In the 18  months I’d worked for him , not once had I  gotten upset.    I discovered in that conversation that pushy people sometimes push us as far as they do because we let them.  It is intentional.  They  sense we’re intimidated,  they know  they’re crossing the line asking us to  put up with things they would NEVER put up with  themselves….don’t loose sight of that.

     #2  I have been  proactive in seeking to grow.  I signed up for  an assertiveness workshop sponsored by a local community college.  We roll played situations, looked at a list of “rights such as:

         I have the right to change my mind  (since that weekend, I regularly exercise this right just to stay in shape)

        I don’t have to tell you why  (although I may choose to do so)

       Learned how to  say the word “NO” and not feel guilty   ( I could write a whole blog post on just that point alone, in fact I think I will)

     That weekend workshop cost me $25.00 at the time and the last time I checked, because I’d learned some new ways to respond in certain situations,  I’d recouped that money 100 times over (Honest)

    Well, that’s part one, any questions?  comments? suggestions?  Thanks in advance for your comments!

Jennifer

      You serendipitously  said, “ If  you ever want to adopt another daughter, I am available.” 

     Here’s a portion of our reply to you….”  I know you’re probably kidding about being adopted, but  the more we thought about it, the more we talked and yes we  do want to “adopt” you into our hearts.  How that plays itself out in real life is totally up to you….I wouldn’t be surprised if you never write back, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you do.”

____________________________________________________________________

     Jennifer,

     I’ve been writing a series of notes celebrating my children.   I told you before I was finished, I wanted to write one for you too,  here it is…

      One of the highlights of this past year was crossing paths with you.  I never dreamed that before the year was out, we would meet you in person.  I told you after you left, but want  to say it again,  next to my wife and eldest daughter, , you probably know me better than  any other person because you’ve read my blog and  gotten to know the real me..

      and still you accept me….wow.

     I can’t tell you how empowering that has been.   I think most of us long to be known and accepted for who they really are…you have given me that gift by your friendship.

     Here are some other things I appreciate about you…

      Your humility.  It takes a lot of guts to admit when you’re struggling and could use some encouragement and direction.  I believe in you young lady ;-)

     You’re passion for  helping hurting people.

     You’re a giver..not an energy sucker.  You meet some people in life, and all  they do is suck you dry.  You come along side them, you listen, you love them…and all they do is want more, more more.  I think one of the things about you that has been exciting is to watch you fight and scrap your way through your brokenness…we pray for you regularly, you know that don’t you?

     You are a great mommy!  As we’ve  read your letters, and watched you in person, I can see that  you have a better handle on parenting than I did when I was your age.

     You are an encourager.  I so appreciated the time you told me to pick up the phone and call if ever I needed to talk with someone…didn’t matter what time it was.  Just knowing that the offer was there, encouraged me…and the offer still stands, right?

We love you as one of our own     D and M

 

 

     

     

When You Lay It All On The Line

He was  a hard working farm boy.

She  was beautiful,

an athlete,  popular.

They’d visited for 30 seconds after class and now he was thinking the impossible….

to ask her out on a date.

He’d just turned 16. Never been on a date in his entire life.  And yet, as  he sat there looking at the phone, the idea wouldn’t go away.  He rehearsed his words a hundred times.

 He picks up the phone, begins to dial , his fingers shaking,  heart pounding.  He isn’t  even sure he had the right number.  After the 3rd ring, a woman answers-  probably her  mother. 

 He asks to  talk with Sara

  “Just a minute” she says. 

30 seconds later, Sara gets on the phone,

 ”Hello “

______________________________________________________________________________

Flash forward 35 years…..I am that farm boy…..and Sara (not her real name) is my wife. 

I discovered something inside myself that night- If I  feel strongly enough about something , I will put it all on the line.

Sure there are times when things don’t work out,  but there are times when it does.

And when it does,  the pay off  for  facing your fears head on, more than make up for the times you’ve  landed  on your butt. 

There’s  a quote  by Theodore Roosevelt I like:

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.”

So what are you waiting for?

God’s probably not going to wave a magic wand over your life and make the fear go away.  I don’t know who this post is for..but I’m thinking  there’s someone  who knows what they need to do, but fear has them stuck in their tracks.  Take this as a little nudge to move out.   Thanks for reading and posting a comment if you’re so inclined.

When Other People Try To “Use Me”- A Musing

      “I have a problem-  people tell me they love me…but the truth is- they love my body….it’s driving me crazy”  

       From a note I  got recently from a young woman living in the Middle East.

     Put me in mind of a story….

 

      I have several daughters and my heart goes out to her…what do you say to something like that?  (honestly, if you have some insight, please  take a minute to leave a comment.)  I’ve been thinking about her words ever since I got the note.

       Today  it struck me….while I’ve never been in her shoes, I have had relationships  where someone “seemed” to have my best interest in mind, but as time passed, I began to see  their ulterior motives-which causes me to run …in the opposite direction.

    ”We’d like you have you and the Mrs over for dinner…” So we go and are bushwacked with an “AMWAY”  presentation….grrrrrrrr

     Then, there was a pastor in my life…at some point, I realized I was a “scalp” on his belt..a number on his attendance chart…not a person to be loved.   Thanks but no thanks  Bob  (his real name)

     Last week, we were having pizza…it’s been a cold winter, so I reluctantly agreed to let  Oscar (our 11 yr old beagle)  camp out by the entry door.  Well, Oscar smelled  food,  walked into the kitchen ..his eye was on the pizza in my hand-  he wasn’t interested in my company…just the food.

     “What a shallow dog! ” I told him.  Which caused my mind to go to my young friend from the MIddle East.

    I believe, most of us are looking for this:

      Unconditional love without pretense.  If you have experienced it…you are rich.

        Having experienced it, it has become  my goal in relationships.

Pretense: A mere show- without reality, outward appearance, an action intending to deceive….

       How do you find relationships built on unconditional love?   I have some thoughts but would like to hear from you first.