The Circle Of My Life

     “Some men draw a circle around their family, and they are the only ones they look out for, other men draw a larger circle, to include their friends and people in their area.  There are a few men however, whose circle is much larger, it is the world.”

                                              Paraphrase from a scene in  the movie 10,000 BC

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     I was walking through Walmart Tuesday night, caught a scene from a new release 10,000 BC. It hooked me.  I mentioned it in passing as my wife and I  headed for  the checkout.  (Just making conversation mind you)   This is one of the things I love about her.   she said spontaneously, “Then why don’t we get it?”

     We are not big movie goers, in fact, if we sit in front of the TV more than twice  a month, that would be stretching  it… for us to pick up a new release is not the norm.    So we set aside  Friday night to check it  out.  I  won’t spoil the story for you, but if you like intense action sequence, some violence, no sleaze, and great special effects, you’ll probably like the movie.)

     At one point,  a young man wrestles with his destiny.  A friend of his father   waxes philosophical about the “size of each man’s circle”, (the people he looks out for).  Ultimately each of us has  to decide on how big to draw that  circle.

 WOW    That is a profound thought  I told my wife. 

               There are  people who profess to be your   friend,  but let something happen involving  money,  a misunderstanding  or a wrong   committed and  you’ll  discover just how deep  that relationship really is .   

      I am thankful for the people  who have drawn a circle that includes me. 

        Anyway,  tell me about someone who has included you in their “circle” …the more details the better. 

Giving Or Receiving Unexpected Kindness

      Our farewell  party was winding down,  I was asked to come forward.  Gilgal Bible Chapel (80 people tops on a Sunday morning)  wanted to present us with a going away present.  We’d lived among them for 5 years.    We’d worked together, cried together, sweat together, laughed together, prayed together….God had done so many things in my life, it was like a spiritual “boot camp.”   I was given an envelope which my friend John suggested I   open  before  getting  off the stage….inside I found a check for $4000.00   (which by the way is framed and sitting on my bookshelf)

 I used to read verses from the Bible like this from the book of Acts:

     “Now  the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common…..and great grace was upon them all.  There was not a needy person among them….”  Chapter 4 vs 32-34

        and wonder why Christians today didn’t look like that.    Imagine my delight when God moved us  from Iowa to New Jersey, and  ”planted us” in just   such a church ..and now it was time to return to Iowa.

      Our family  lived in “Christian community” for 5 years.   An experience like that is bound to leave a mark on your life.  Twice during that period,  someone gave us a  vehicle  when ours needed replacing- gave it…not a loaner…a gift. We’ve had people show up at our home with boxes of groceries, had a Christian landlord who knocked several hundred dollars a month off the rent because he knew our situation.  My employer (Mark) was also an  assistant pastors at the church.   When it became obvious we were struggling financially, we met with Kurt, (a church deacon and accountant)    Kurt said  I could use a $2.00 an hour raise without  a doubt.  Mark said not a problem - plus he wanted to  find a  way to offer health insurance and  give me a work vehicle to drive…because he saw his business as an extension of his faith.     

      Giving and receiving  acts of  Kindness has become such a part of the fabric of our life, I forget what it feels like to experience it for the first time.

    Lest you think I’m just a big “mooch”   

       We also opened our home for 3 months  to an elderly lady whose own son was  going to let her wind up on the street because she’d been so ornery over the years.  I wrote more about that here  She needed a place to stay and I wanted to work on being more assertive (figured if she was with us for an extended period of time then stuff was bound to happen.

      I’m not going to give you any more stories from my life lest it sound like I’m tooting my own horn…let’s just say, I have no problem giving or receiving kindness, hospitality,  and unconditional love…it’s just part of who we are as a family.

       I’ve heard people  say, “ I have no trouble helping someone else,  but struggle  to  receive. ” To you I  say,   “It’s your pride,  If  God lays it on someones heart to help you, then  you need to let them, because you deprive them of the joy that comes from helping someone else.”

       What are some of the surprising ways people have encouraged you?  How about ideas…do you have any suggestions (big and small ways) we  can encourage someone else?  My newest blogging friend Sharon,   posted something recently on encouragement  check it out.

When The Winds Of Hell Blow Through My Soul

     

 It felt like the winds of Hell itself were blowing through my soul today.

 I couldn’t understand…

Or even put a name to what I felt

Someone suggested to find a quiet place and listen….

     “that when you feel this way, you need to embrace the quiet.  You need to find your center and listen to God.  You feel turmoil within because something is imbalanced inside of you.  There is a reason for this feeling.  You know what it is, but you are ignoring it.  Only when you are quiet, will it come to you and you will then be able to ask God to guide you in the right direction.”     I get the feeling from you that you don’t like the quiet.  You are one of those people that avoids the quiet.  I think you should ponder why that is…..”

   So I did just that…and here is what I heard:

Loneliness……………………………

 

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update..the next morning

     I am very tempted to delete this post  but I’m not going to.  Things are better.  It’s quiet here.. like this picture:

      I mentioned to someone it felt like a person going through “withdrawal”… when you ween yourself off of caffeine or cigarettes..your flesh screams….then things start to settle down and you get to a place of “new normal”….me thinkit I miss my wife more than I realize - and it’s not just physical…you’ve read that part in my biography where I’m 10%-90%…well what you’re hearing is what I look like in the 10%.  DM

 

When The Pastor Gets Mad

     

 

     Subtitle:  Whose ”Kingdom”  Am I Really  Building?    

  I can still remember the Wednesday night  prayer meeting our pastor got ticked.  It  had something to do with the “hit and miss” involvement of several families. 

     Disclaimer:  My thoughts today are directed toward those of you in Christian leadership.  There is lots of  ”Christianese” in this one….proceed accordingly

 “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness… ”                        

                                From the Gospel of Matthew Chapter 6 verse 33

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              It wasn’t too long after that Wednesday night “incident” , the  church began heading in the direction of

 “Mandatory attendance at all regularly scheduled meetings unless providential hindered”    

    Translation:  you needed to be at all four weekly meetings to be a voting member.   We bailed.

       Before you write and express disdain for the pastor, flash forward 5 years.  My wife and I were then part of a new  church, we only meet once a week… I am part of leadership, and I begin to feel anger  for the same reason….Who’d have thunk? 

         I told my wife it felt like  I was trying to “push a rope” (motivate someone who didn’t want to be motivated)    I knew  ministery is supposed to flow out of a heart of  love.  (Corinthians 13)   I  cared….    Didn’t  I have people’s best interest in mind????   

      I finally came to the conclusion  there was more “self” motivating me  than I wanted to admit…..

      A growing, vibrant church = success = validation.

 

     I’m guessing I’m not the first person who has got caught in the trap of building  the kingdom of Self.

      “We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people.

                                 General   George S. Patton

                                             1885-1945

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     That season in my life is over, I’m no longer attempting to herd, drive or lead anyone….sure I know there are people who read this blog and get a little encouragement or insight from it ..but in terms of actively, intentionally attempting to mentor or shape another person…well….unless I’ve been specifically asked (or you’re under 18 and my kid),  it probably won’t happen. 

footnote: 

 Please don’t speak negatively about my former pastor or I will have to edit or delete your comment.  ;-)  Pastoring is the second hardest job on the planet (my humble opinion) second only to that of being a mom. 

 

Any other thoughts?

DM

   

    

   

    

Loneliness Observed

     “It is not good that man should be alone….”  God 

 

       I feel lonely tonight.  Mine is situational.  Wife is out of town helping out with the new grand baby.  Amber  wrote on loneliness, got me thinking…

    Here are some thoughts off the internet

Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation.  Loneliness is more than just the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. …

 Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Everyone has times when they are alone through circumstances or choice. Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individuals control.  Solitude is the state of being alone and secluded from other people, and often implies having made a conscious choice to be alone. Loneliness is therefore unwilling solitude.

     To experience loneliness, however, can be to feel overwhelmed by an unbearable feeling of separateness at a profound level. This can manifest in feelings of abandonment, rejection, depression, insecurity, anxiety, hopelessness, unworthiness, meaninglessness

  In some people, temporary or prolonged loneliness can lead to notable artistic and creative expression, for example, as was the case with  Emily Dickinson. This is not to imply that loneliness itself ensures this creativity; rather, it may have an influence on the subject matter of the artist.

  Loneliness can be summarized as falling into these categories:

• Situational / circumstantial – loss of a relationship, move to a new city
• Developmental – a need for intimacy balanced by a need for individualism
• Internal – often including feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability 
      

     remember…  feeling lonely is a common human emotion experienced by everyone at times (and therefore is not a defect). Intimate friendships take time to develop.

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More from here:

 you may have lots of friends or know lots of people but still feel that you are all alone in this world, isolated, or even feeling empty.

what causes loneliness?

     The main cause for feelings lonely is the lack of intimate relationships. Yes, you may know lots of people or have many friends but still your relationship with them is too superficial, you just never go deep into sharing your deeper emotions with them. sharing your inner emotions with people will not only make help you in overcoming loneliness but it will also get you closer to those people you have shared your emotions with.

  another strong cause for feeling lonely while being with other people is feeling that you are not welcomed, feeling that they don’t like you or feeling that they dont like what you say, in that case you may not be able to form intimate relationships with them and so you will feel alone when being with them even if they were hundreds.

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       What I’m feeling tonight when I said “I feel lonely”   is a longing to connect and be known.  In the Scripture passage I quoted, it is the first thing God said that was not good, after several…it is good, it is good, it is very good comments.”

       Generally speaking, my life is full, solitude and quietness of soul is something I  enjoy and weave into the fabric of my life..loneliness on the other hand  is NOT.

           Who wants to admit they feel lonely at times?  Certainly not me…don’t want people to think I’m some kind of a looser….better to suffer in silence right ?  

Update 4/20/08

      Last night the feelings of loneliness were intense. (Wife is still out of town)  This morning I’m better…but here’s what  I wanted to say to you if you’re reading this and feel alone…drop me a note,  I would love to hear from you….just leave a comment…I’ll get back to you.

 

Your thoughts?

DM

 

 

When Other People Try To “Use Me”- A Musing

      “I have a problem-  people tell me they love me…but the truth is- they love my body….it’s driving me crazy”  

       From a note I  got recently from a young woman living in the Middle East.

     Put me in mind of a story….

 

      I have several daughters and my heart goes out to her…what do you say to something like that?  (honestly, if you have some insight, please  take a minute to leave a comment.)  I’ve been thinking about her words ever since I got the note.

       Today  it struck me….while I’ve never been in her shoes, I have had relationships  where someone “seemed” to have my best interest in mind, but as time passed, I began to see  their ulterior motives-which causes me to run …in the opposite direction.

    ”We’d like you have you and the Mrs over for dinner…” So we go and are bushwacked with an “AMWAY”  presentation….grrrrrrrr

     Then, there was a pastor in my life…at some point, I realized I was a “scalp” on his belt..a number on his attendance chart…not a person to be loved.   Thanks but no thanks  Bob  (his real name)

     Last week, we were having pizza…it’s been a cold winter, so I reluctantly agreed to let  Oscar (our 11 yr old beagle)  camp out by the entry door.  Well, Oscar smelled  food,  walked into the kitchen ..his eye was on the pizza in my hand-  he wasn’t interested in my company…just the food.

     “What a shallow dog! ” I told him.  Which caused my mind to go to my young friend from the MIddle East.

    I believe, most of us are looking for this:

      Unconditional love without pretense.  If you have experienced it…you are rich.

        Having experienced it, it has become  my goal in relationships.

Pretense: A mere show- without reality, outward appearance, an action intending to deceive….

       How do you find relationships built on unconditional love?   I have some thoughts but would like to hear from you first. 

          

People Pleasing- A Story

         There is a story that comes to mind whenever someone starts telling me how I should do things differently-  like yesterday.

 

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   The Man, the Boy, and the Donkey

  A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market.
As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them
and said: “You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?”

  So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their
way.  But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See
that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”

  So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom
said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little
son trudge along.”

  Well, the Man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his
Boy up before him on the Donkey.  By this time they had come to
the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them.  The
Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.  The men said:
“Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey
with you and your hulking son?”

  The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do.  They
thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied
the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to
their shoulders.  They went along amid the laughter of all who met
them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one
of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end
of the pole.  In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and
his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.

  “That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them:

“Please all, and you will please none.”

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What may I ask are you doing with your donkey?

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      I got a note yesterday from someone I’ll call “Carol.”   She expressed a concern about  our latest event @ the Coffee House. ..something about compromising my reputation….

        I wanted to tell her to grab her Bible and read Mark Chapter 2 verses 15-17 but decided I’d better not.    There is enough “steam” rumbling around inside of me on this one for a couple of posts….

PS  please read the post below this one  (Reader needs advice on life and Marriage)   Cherie’s looking for some input on some heavy duty stuff and I told her I’d ask those of you that are regulars for your insight.  Thanks. DM

Reader Needs Advice On Life And Marriage

  

 

      Got a note last night from a reader looking for some input, decided to ask those of you that are regular readers to come along side her as well…
 

     I would like some advice…
    For the better part of our marriage, I have been the breadwinner of the family. My husband is an educated man, he is a college graduate and has gone back to college 2-3 times to pursue additional education but has not finished. I dropped out of high school but managed to work my way up the ladder just by pure hard work and feeling inadequate for not being educated.  I read constantly so no one will know that I don’t have a degree like all my coworkers. (back to the point)  We have teenage daughters and we had a son that passed away at age 5 1/2 due to a medical problem.  All the time our son was alive, my husband took great care of him and I traveled and worked however I could to provide for 4 children and him.  It has been several years and our daughters all almost all grown and my husband is working but out of town at a job that does not pay much.  (it is a long story) but we moved away and back to our home town and he is waiting on a transfer. Needs to keep a long term job so he can build back his work history which was not the best.I realize that my life a point where it is harder to find a reason to keep going.  I find it even harder to keep having faith in my husband and be a patient and loving wife.   I  feel that due to my constant travel (which has now stopped) and being a single parent all week to three grown girls have taken it’s toll.  The other day, my daughter called me a dumb bitch.. and there is not anything I can really do.

The situation is out of control and I don’t feel like my husband has any answers and the burden of the load has been on my shoulders for so long, I just want some relief. I am just to the point of walking away. Problem is, every loan, the house mortgage and three cars are in my name and I pay for everything. I love my husband and kids, after 20 years of marriage… I am just feeling like this is not ever going to get any better and I am tired of the load on my back.

In addition, I am overweight, don’t take care of myself because now we are struggling with money and I just feel like the biggest doormat.

When are you loving unconditionally and when are you being a doormat. It just seems like I don’t have what it takes to make this relationship successful and we don’t have the right stuff.

Cherie.

When Someone’s “Hitting” On Your Spouse

     I ran into “Jackass” Friday at  a Buy Fresh workshop .  Here’s his picture: 

      He mentioned he and his wife hadn’t seen us for awhile  (it’s been two years).  I’m not sure what to do with him  them relationally.   He suggested we needed to get together again.  

       Every time we are with them- Virtually every time  “Jackass” will say some form of …”It’s too bad you are here (meaning me ) …MM  (my wife) is who I really enjoy seeing“.   ;-)   (or some variation of that statement)

      We’ve known this couple for 8 years.  He’s a 60 year old hippie, been married a time or two….he’s a big flirt with every attractive woman he sees…not just my wife… to be perfectly honest, for the first 5 years we knew them, I thought to myself..he’s harmless enough..that’s just “Jackass.”

    Scripture talks about how the words  we use are an index of our heart…both good and bad…we give others a glimpse into our hearts by what we  talk about.

     Anyway, 3 years ago, in another friendship we had as a couple…I kept insisting  that the boyfriend of my wife’s good friend was an out and out pervert.  Guys can pick up on things in other men, I swear women are sometimes blind to.   My wife wasn’ t so sure,  so I  had to bite my tongue, so not to rock the boat.  One day my wife comes home and says…”You were right about Wilbur.  He is a pervert, he tried to kiss two  women who   stayed over night @ so and so’s house.” 

      I wept  from  the pent up turmoil I’d been carrying for over a year. 

     My wife and I had a heart to heart talk , we  both agreed “Jackass” while not cut out of the same cloth as Wilbur,  was a firt, why submit our marriage to that?   So we backed  off.  It was hard because we did enjoy his wife’s company.    

       Any suggestions?….?  Address things head on with Jackass and his wife?  If so,  where and when?  Have you ever had to deal with this sort of thing?

Don’t Mess With The Bull

      Opa was a quiet man, - gentle soul, wish you could have met him.  One of the stories he loved to tell happened before he was married.

     I suppose he was 19 or 20.  A farm boy, German background, back in the 1920′s.  One Saturday afternoon, he stopped by Clarence Hayen’s General store.  Grandpa said he was collecting money for the Wayne Lutheran Church and needed to see Clarence.  There were some young men hanging around  the store for the  dance that night.

      Grandpa said  he told the fellas “Hi” but  all he got was  a few grunts.  In those days, the German’s were not always  liked.   

      As he walked out of the store someone hit him on the back of the head.  I’ll let grandpa tell you what happened next:

     “When I walked out of the door, someone hit me from behind.   They put me on my knees.  About 5 or 6 of them piled on top of me.  All I could think of was they wanted my money.  I shook them off and started swinging.  By the time I finished, the last one was running to the car crying like a baby.  He got to the car and locked the door.”

     What those boys didn’t realize was grandpa was one of 8 brothers  who loved to wrestle.  He stood 6 ft  3 in his prime, 240 pounds.  He once took  a live market hog (220 pounds of squealing pork )and threw it over a fence.   Those boys had picked the wrong person. 

     Next Monday, Grandpa was at the  farm of one of his assailants buying hogs.  He brought the incident up to the father  he was feeling bad he had  beat up his son. 

     “John he said,  those boys had it coming- I’m glad you whipped them good. ”   About then  the boy came out of the house a big hand print on the side of his face.

      There’s a saying in these parts…”If you mess with the bull, you may get the horns”