The Night The Dam Burst (or living my life without a mask)

   I can still remember the night the  dam burst, the night I said what I was really thinking.  I was 20, the kind of guy you could  bring home to  mama,  and as phony as a $3.00 bill.  I was a relational chameleon.

         M and I had been dating for 4 months and I sensed her starting to withdraw   (just like 4 other girls before her.) 

       We were sitting on an  old stuffed coach in my bachelor’s apartment…she talked of moving to out of town, not really sure what she’d do or where she’d work,  but was feeling restless. It  was @ this point,  something inside of me started gushing…. out of my mouth came  my frustrations, my confusion, my sense of insecurity.  There I was telling her what I was really  thinking, and it was exhilarating

      Charles Swindol wrote a book called  “Dropping Your Guard”   where he talks about the value and power of  authentic relationships, living life transparently, without masks.  That book changed my life.

     I read a post by Sanityfound   this week where she talks honestly about her choice to live life with child like abandon.  Don’t let her sometimes silly come backs throw you…she is articulate,  wise beyond her years (suffering will do that to you ),  reading that post  gives me insight into why she does what she does…it’s an intentional choice.. In my life, different issue, same result…once I tasted the freedom and power of living life without a mask, there was no way I was going back. 

      I loath  (I know that ‘s a strong word but it is how I feel), I loath mask wearing and pretense…give me an honest respectful  conversation any day.

     One of the highlights of this past year blogging is I have met  people who have  taken off their masks with me.  They may still chose to remain “anonymous”  to the public at large,  but with me , they have pulled back the curtain of their lives and we’ve  connected on a deeper level.   They know the real me and still  they  are willing to call me their friend.

      I know some of the reasons why I wore a mask.. (low self esteem, past hurts, feels safer to wear mask than risk even more hurt, bla bla bla)..but do you know the price tag we pay  for doing that?… a lonely life, because  nobody knows the real you.  you would be amazed at the number of people who will love you anyway..and Christians by the way are some of the biggest mask wearers there are…we think we have to be this perfect person in order to effectively represent the God we profess to follow…when in fact,  our life is a joke. 

    Thoughts, questions comments?

Dear Me In 1973

     Dear Me in 73,   I saw your picture in the paper, thought I’d jot you a note. 

      I know this is hard to understand, but this letter is being written by yourself 35 years into the future.    The year is 2008 and you’re still fascinated with  the computer.  I’m not sure how much time I have on this end before I loose the connection, so this is going to be quick.

      There are so many  things going through my mind….

      That kid sitting next to you (along with all the other jocks in your class, ignore them, you’re not going to see most of them ever again except at class reunions-  And Mr J, the gym teacher-  he should never have been given a teaching position, lining you guys up to pick teams.   I know  you’re one of the last ones picked because of your size.  

     

     I know you like to take your medicine straight so here’s the deal…you still have 3 more years before you fill out.  I know you don’t want to hear that  but  by the time you are 20, you’ll be  pushing 6 ft.   And because of your job,   you’re in  better shape than most  of those guys I run into now.   

    One of the good things that came out of all those years of being small, shy and insecure is it has given you a tender heart for  hurting people.    I know, that doesn’t sound like something exciting at your age, but trust me, your priorities change after those crazy years of high school.

      I want to tell you something that will really blow your mind…let’s talk about girls for a second.  You’ve only had one or two conversations with the fairer sex..and dude…get this… you’re only going to have one or two more until after you graduate…not to worry…the race is not always to the fastest…I’m going to tell you something that is going blow your mind….you are going to get a date with you know who ..and not only that, but you and her are going to end up having 4 kids together…yea, I know what you’re thinking…that’s OK,  I’m sitting here 35 years later still amazed myself.

     What else should I tell you…stop grinding your teeth…, not sure what to do with them.  You’ve ground  1/4 inch off them at this point, and there is no easy fix for this mess.

    I’m going to give you a quote I didn’t come across until my 20′s..it  has to do with your attitude..and it will radically change your life if you embrace it.:

     “The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than success, than what other people think say or do.  It is the more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make or break a company…a church…a home.  The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is wit you…we are in charge of our Attitudes”

                                                                     Charles R. Swindoll

    Oh, oh, I need to go.  One last thing….you are way more gifted than you give yourself credit for.  I know you’re not a hugger, but I would love to wrap my arms around you, look you in the eyes and pour some of the older me into you now.

  I got this idea for the  letter here

Remembering My First Mentor Sr. Carol

   

Mentor : A a wise and trusted guide.

      Wife was addressing envelopes to send  out after Christmas family photo.We cheat- We  don’t  send them out until after the first of the year.  It’s that whole holiday stress thing.   If you haven’t gotten yours by the 10th of January, it’s probably not coming.       

       As she was going through the rolodex, she asked if she should send one to a former mentor of mine -  Sister Carol.    We’ve lost touch with her since  1990, though we did run  into her the Summer of 2006 at a  50th Jubilee for Sr Madonna. 

  (A 50th Jubilee is a celebration for being a sister 50 years).

    So it wasn’t  surprising that Sr Carol came to mind this morning.  The lights came on for me spiritually in 1980.  This isn’t the place to go into that.  All I will say for now is, when the Bible talks about  all of us needing a spiritual birth   it happened.  There was a definite before and after moment. 

       I would be the first to tell you I still have as many unanswered questions as the next guy.  If you were physically blind for 20 years then  a Doctor performed a surgery on your eyes so that you could see, it wouldn’t matter  if a  blind man came up to you afterwards  and tried to tell you he could see just as well as you  and  his “view” of the world  was just as good as your.   I’ll leave the  debating and arguing to someone wiser than I. 

       Back to Sr Carol.

      So there I was, this spiritually hungry baby Christian.  I read anything I could get my hands on, (both good and bad).  Just like a baby sticking anything into his mouth because he doesn’t know any better, that was me.   A pastor saw my hunger and gave me a study bible w/ notes.   Then as I got to know Sr Carol, I was drawn to her nurturing heart.  I would pop into her office periodically, just to chat.  At one point I asked her point blank to help me overcome a big inferiority complex.  I write in more depth about it here in a chapter titled “A Song Of Deliverance”

     Sr Carol and our family spent 5  years together until life took us to New Jersey, and she headed to South America.  Here are some of the things I appreciate about my first mentor:

     She was a great listener!  A great one.  Never underestimate the encouragement you give someone when you take time to genuinely listen and empathize.

     She knew the Scriptures.  Jesus was alive and you could sense she knew him personally.

     She was feisty and  principled.  Any woman who can move to Central America in the midst of a civil war because of her compassion for the poor is someone I’m honored to call my first mentor.

    She had a soft heart.  I still remember the tears in her eyes when she found out we  had decided to switch Church denominations

     She could pray.  I loved the times together when she and I and my wife would hold hands and pour out our heart in prayer together…loved it. 

     She understood mutual accountability.  There was never this sense that she was speaking down to me, even though she was miles ahead of me on this walk called “faith”.  At one point she realized she was too busy, burning the candle at both ends, and trying to do God’s work in her own strength.  We talked about her need to set aside at least one day a month to regroup and be still before the Lord.  I became her accountability partner…what an honor.  I was her  accountability partner and it was my job to ask her  if she was still taking  her monthly break.  Sr. Carol, if you are reading this, how are you doing with that discipline?   

  This post is my humble way of celebrating my first mentor and first deep Christian relationship Sr. Carol.

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While I’m on this topic of mentors…let me ask, who would you list as the top 5 people in your life who have mentored you and why?   If you want, write a post about the mentors in your life then link it here. Otherwise, just  leave a comment.

      In  my case, in addition to Sr Carol, I would have to list Pastor Dan Oostdyk from New Jersey, and three authors: Charles Swindoll, Rebecca Manley Pippert and Rick Warren

Musings After A Hot Date

    My girlfriend and I were out on a date last night.  ( Yes it is possible to still have the warm fuzzies for each other after 28 years)  Neither one of us was in the mood for “fancy” so we opted for Country Kitchen.    Our waitress’s name was Stormy.    She had a great attitude,  nothing flashy, just upbeat and pleasant…..gave us the kind of attention that makes you want to leave a good tip. 

      I woke up this morning still thinking about Stormy’s attitude/ Why?  because  meeting people with a good attitude is both refreshing and rare.   Made me want to post a little something about attitudes, because while I’m far from a motivational speaker, I’ve discovered a few things about attitudes that have stuck with me….

 #1  A good attitude is something you do have control over and can be cultivated.    Paul the writer of a good portion of the New Testament said this : “For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound in any and every circumstance,  I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance, and need.”    I  have learned…. he’s talking about learning to have an attitude of contentment…..having raised 4 children on a carpenter’s  income I can tell you candidly,  being content does not come automatically! The first 13 years of our marriage we RENTED    Was I content ?  No!   Our rent payment was almost as much as a morgage payment, plus I was building new houses for people  who were  driving BMW’s and Mercedes.  We were just getting by,  couldn’t  scrape together anything for a down payment….(at that time in history, there was no such thing as a 0 down payment…you needed at least 5%) . I realized the churning discontent, and frustration  of renting vs buying was wearing me out…..and I too learned how to be content in whatever situation I found myself….I would love to tell you more if you’re interested…drop me a note.

 #2  I  read a book by  Charles Swindoll Strengthening Your Grip  You may have seen this quote on a poster :

“Attitude by Charles Swindol”
“The longer I live,the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes,than what other people think of, say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church…. a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you..we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

    Here is another portion of that book that  touched me:

     “Dr Victor Frankl, a bold, courageous Jew who became a prisoner during the Holocaust, endured years of indignity and humiliation by the Nazis before he was finally liberated.  At the beginning of his ordeal, he was marched into a gestapo courtroom.  His captors had taken away his home and family, his cherished freedom, his possessions, and even his watch and wedding ring.  They had shaved his head and stripped his clothing off his body.  There he stood before the German high command, under glaring lights being interrogated and falsely accused.  He was destitute, a helpless pawn in the hands of brutal, prejudiced, sadistic men.  He had nothing.  No, that isn’t true.  He suddenly realized there was one thing no one could ever take from him- just one.  Do you know what it was?

      Dr. Frankl realized he still had the power to choose his own attitude.  No matter what anyone would ever do to him, regardless of what the future held for him, the attitude choice was his to make.  Bitterness or forgiveness.  To give up or go on.  Hatred or hope.   Determination to endure or the paralysis of self-pity…”

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       And finally, as my daughter Angie just said to me after I read to her the rough draft of this post…….“Remember, you can choose what kind of “tude” you  wanna  sport today ”   DM