“The hands of a brick layer, the heart of a poet.”
Saumel J Kirkwood/ Former Governor of Iowa
I’m probably going to step on a few toes with this one, but you know what, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it
I’ve been given the privilege this Fall of teaching 8 young men in a construction program. I am 30 plus years removed from my High school days- a season in my life I would not want to repeat.
Since completing High School, I’ve spent 30 years together with the same woman- (and we still like each other), We’ve raised 4 children now in their early to late 20′s- ( and have a healthy relationship with each of them).
In addition to teaching , I’m a general contractor.
I am a people person, and have known and worked alongside literally dozens of men (and women) in the construction industry with every personality type you could imagine.- I n all these years, there is only 1 man who hated my guts- a former bible college graduate twerp with a mouth.
I love pouring cement, stick framing a roof, riding motorcycles, writing poetry, baking my grandma’s rye bread from scratch, shooting a semi automatic rifle, working in our apple orchard, stacking bales in the haymow, butchering chickens, bringing my wife and I coffee in bed
What am I trying to say? My feet are firmly planted in real life.
When I was a young man ( like the guys in my class)- there were very few healthy role models- at least role models of what I would consider a masculine male- Most of the “masculine” males were either stoic males without emotion, or jocks whose sole purpose in life was to “get some”…great qualities to have in a future husband don’t you think?
I am here to tell you, a real man can be tough and know how to stand his ground, but he can also be tender, and know how to admit when he’s wrong. Real men are in touch with their feelings- regardless of what anybody else may be telling you.
One of my best friends from New Jersey would probably be thought of as stoic by the rest of the people in his life….and yet, I’ve gotten to know the man behind the mask- I know things about him his wife probably doesn’t know- he can be funny and fun loving as anyone , he cares, hurts, worries, just like you and I- but I’m guessing you (and his wife ) will never see this side of him unless you established a level of trust with him.
I love working with the biker/just got out of jail types. I love to look them in the eye and mess with their minds. Three years ago,I spent the day with Johnny- he was helping out a friend of mine remodel a building. Johnny was on work release- muscular, in his mid 30′s- I came with my sawzall, and chop saw with a diamond blade. My job was to cut a hole through the side of the masonry building 2 stories in the air. I looked Johnny in the eye and said, ‘”I’m afraid of heights” (because I am)
He looked @ me and said with a little sarcasm, “Man, what kind of carpenter are you, afraid of height?”
About 1/3 of the way into the process, there was an accident- Johnny, accidently stabbed me with my sawzall- new blade, with pigeon dung on it- slid right into my forearm like a steak knife- we made a trip to the emergency room..2 hours later, we were back- my arm all stitched and wrapped up. I couldn’t leave because we had to finish the project- I had the tools and know how…I watched Johnny as he struggled with the chop saw- it was driving me nuts..finally, I said, “Let me have it”- I grabbed the saw with both hands and went back to work- two hours later, we were done- Johnny, looked @ me when I finished with the saw and said,“Man, you are one bad @#s .”
“In this hour of all but universal darkness…there are found increasing numbers of persons….who are marked by a growing hunger after God himself. They are eager for spiritual realities and will not be put off with words, nor will they be content with correct “interpretations” of truth. They are athirst for God, and they will not be satisfied till they have drunk deep.”
A.W. Tozer 1948
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I (DM) am not a religious person.
Truth be told, religion makes me nervous.
If something works for you, great- just don’t try to jam it down my throat. I’ll sit politely for a little bit, but if you start pushing I’ll tell you what I’m really thinking and you won’t do it again.
Having said that, I am a spiritual person. I hunger to connect with God. There is a difference.
Even before I became a Christian, I remember feeling driven to connect with the spiritual. In my senior year of high school, a class mate suggested I read a book by Carlos Castaneda where he describes being mentored by a Yaqui Shaman, smoking peyote and seeing things through the eyes of a bird. I longed for that type of encounter with the spiritual world. Laugh all you want, but at the time, I had no reference point. It just reveals the intensity of my hunger.
I want to say this as nicely as I can, but there are absolute truths in the spiritual realm, we disregard them at our own peril.
I remember sitting down with pastor Tom- a cool, articulate, knowledgeable spiritual mentor of a certain religious denomination. I had been reading some things from the church hierarchy and it didn’t square with some of the other things, I’d been told.
I wrote down my questions, Tom and I went down the list,one by one. He told me (off the record) he agreed with me, but in his mind, they were fringe issues. I’m thinking to myself, they were not “fringe” issues. It’s one way or the other, but two opposite things can not both be true- regardless of how much politically correct nonsense you’ve bought into.
Years ago now, I decided one of my litmus tests for evaluating a “spiritual authority” was to look for fruit in their life.
Why? Because if I listen to them, I will turn out like them if they are following their own information- and if they are not doing what they are telling others to do- then that’s even more reason to avoid them. JMHO
Did they evidence peace, joy, kindness? If they were married, what was their marriage like? If they had children, what were they like? Because before you start telling me how to live my life, you’d better make sure it works in your own. If you’re a mean ass (pardon my french) with your wife and kids, then you have no business mentoring anybody.
If you’re driven, grossly overweight, don’t laugh, and don’t have any friends, then what in the world are you doing standing there in the place of a “spiritual authority?”
“Others before me have gone much farther into these mysteries than I have done, but if my fire is not large, it is yet real, and there may be those who can light their candle at its flame.”
Disclaimer- This is an “in house” memo. If you’re not a believer, you’re probably better off not reading this one. DM
Photos from my journal 1988
I can still remember when it happened. We were living @ 1561 Green Wood Lake Turnpike, about 5 minutes East of West Milford New Jersey. I was miserable. (see photo above) We were broke, 1000 miles from family pursueing schooling so I could be a marriage and family counselor, 4 kids, living check to check, way too busy with “church” activities.and I read this Scripture:
“Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.” It was talking about what is supposed to happen in the lives of a believer. Literally, God himself should be flowing out of my life like a river. What would that look like? Well, I thought, rivers of joy, peace, love, compassion, confidence, The qualities I imagined Jesus would have evidenced.
I read that and thought to myself, “Now that is a joke.” at best, there is tiny trickle maybe…but a river…Nada
It was at that point I said to God, “It says there are supposed to be rivers of living water flowing from my life and I barely see a trickle.I give up.” Show me what that looks like.”
I dropped out of all my “church” responsibilities, decided I was going to focus on being a better dad and husband…I knew it might tick off some of those in leadership, but frankly I didn’t care. When you’re a people pleaser and you finally say enough is enough- what a rush.
Over the next several weeks, something started happening. I remember having this mirthful grin. I felt like I was in on a secret- just between God and I. My friend John Reilly commented to me weeks later…”Doug, there’s something different about you, I not sure what it is. “
I did.
I went from trying to imitate Jesus to experiencing him live through me. I kid you not…there is a night and day difference between me trying to “imitate” Jesus and him living through me. I know that might sound a little abstract and mystical. I can’t help it. I would be willing to bet, I’m not the first person who has made the same mistake.
That would have been in the Fall of 1989. When I’m doing well spiritually I feel like Michael Jordan on the basketball court in his prime. It just flows. When I’m not, I can also feel it. That sense of connection with God lasted for months, long enough for me to recognize when it’s not there now. It’s not a one time thing. It really is a day by day thing for me.
I know that if I cop an attitude with my wife, it directly affects that connections.
It really has nothing to do with going to some building on Sunday. If you are spiritually healthy, then you will long to connect with your spiritual siblings, somewhere. It has nothing to do with giving a certain percentage of your money somewhere…if you’re spiritually healthy, you want to help others. It has nothing to do with saying certain “prayers” at certain times. Your conversation with the divine will have an ebb and flow to it, just like you have with anyone you care for. Its not something you have to legislate.
I came across the picture Sunday night. Facebook mentioned one of my friends had been tagged in a photo.
Some of you talk about “triggers,” well, this photo triggered something. It triggered a heaviness that was almost palatable.
Today at work, that photo and the accompanying heaviness came back to my mind several times.
I didn’t understand. I didn’t even know 1/2 of the people in the photo, the ones I did were smiling.
and then it hit me….
I was grieving
Grief.
The picture triggered a wave of grief that is 13 years old.
I didn’t think grief was supposed to last that long.
A good friend of mine is still grieving the loss of a child, 4 years later. He recently compared his grief to waves on the ocean.
Initially the waves were strong, one after another… Four years later, they’re further apart.
Have you experienced grief in your life? As I’ve alluded to, grief can come into our lives for lots of different reasons.
If you have experienced grief and feel comfortable, would you tell me about it? I suspect this post will generate a lot of hits long term. What sort of comfort, insight, hope, wisdom would you give the person who stumbles across this later. Please don’t give any pat answers on this one. I’m not interested in theory. Speak only of what you’ve experienced first hand. Thank you in advance. DM
Last night was a first for me. I saw my first Celtic pub band, a belly dancer, (didn’t actually see her belly ) a River dance maiden and Lego Man, all at one place. The highlight of my night was when Wylde Nept took the stage, they looked like this:
They even had cocoa nuts.
As we were sitting there about 2 hours past my bed time, a moderately drunk young woman comes over to our table and asks if we were college professors. (Iowa City is a college town, and I guess in her mind, we had to be teachers if we were at this place this time of the night.
I’ve talked about this before, but some of my favorite people to hang out with are your non churchy types- bikers, people covered with tattoos, you get the idea.
I think it has something to do with the type of people I work with. I’ve discovered, beneath their (sometimes) tough exterior most construction workers have a soft heart. I LOVE to get to know and discover the person behind the mask.
Speaking of masks, last night happened to be an early Halloween party, which explained some of the get ups we saw, but not all of them.
Melissa (the friend who invited us out on the town) mentioned we might see some belly dancing to the Irish pub music.
Some of you are probably thinking to yourself, now how does that work??? Well, it works better than you might think.
Here’s your chance to try a new feature on my wordpress blog…you get to vote :-)
If you do vote, feel free to leave a comment and tell me why you voted the way you did.
We visited a turkey farm in 2007. I can still remember the farmer telling us as we approached the buildings to “ Be quiet ” - not do anything to startle the birds or they might panic. Do you know what happens when turkey’s (or chickens) get frightened? They run to the other end of the building, pile on top of each other and smother.
There is something I bump into from time to time among people who should know better I call “Chicken Little Christianity”
Basically, it works like this. A piece of fear based nonsense gets passed around by word of mouth, e-mail, etc. and it causes a stir in the Chicken house, I mean church. Like this one about the FCC supposedly trying to outlaw Christian radio. If you’re a regular reader , you know I rarely “rant” but I’m feeling one coming on.
Amber posted something today on Oprah. (I loved her thoughts by the way, she was right on) At the end of it she observed some people have gone so far as to say “Oprah is the Anti-Christ. ” I thought to myself, ”Here we go again -”Chicken Little theology,”
WHY do some Christians have to embarrass the rest of us by their stupidity.????”
This Summer I got an e-mail suggesting that maybe Barack Obama was the Anti-Christ. I thought to myself, “Come on people, get your head out of the you know where.”
Back in the mid 90′s I remember a pastor talking about computer chips supposedly being implanted in the hands of people in some Central American country in order to buy and sell, and maybe, just maybe, this was how a portion of the book of Revelations was going to be fulfilled.
I’ve been a Christian since 1980. I’ve been exposed to some of the same nonsense that you have. Two of you (Amber,Sanity Found ) have talked about it on your blogs at different times, and I cringed for both of you.
I’m as familiar with “Pretrib eschatology” as any Christian.
translation: “Pretrib eschatology“ One school of thought among Christians on how the end of the world will play out according to the Bible.
What you rarely hear about (I’m talking to any one still reading this blog piece and gives a hoot) is that there are at least 2 other schools of thought that traditionally have had as much credence in Church history as the one getting all the press today (and in my humble opinion feed these Chicken Little fears).
Bottom line-historically, to be a Christian is to suffer, so what’s all the excitement about?
Maybe- just maybe, it indicates you have way too many eggs in your basket this side of eternity.
I’m going to tell you right up front- If this post ruffles your feathers and you want to make a nasty comment to me on the blog- don’t bother…I’ll just delete it. If on the other hand you can express yourself graciously, then I will.
I asked a couple of you that know me pretty well if you would be willing to come up with a few questions I could answer for a blog post. Here’s what you came up with:
What is your greatest accomplishment?
That is a good question. My greatest accomplishment is being able to look into the eyes of the woman I married almost 30 yrs ago and still see a woman who is in love with me.
How do you keep your marriage fresh and still remain authentic to who you are?
A few things come to mind. Both of us are very intentional about personal growth…. whether that means going to a counselor for help or being willing to be pushed out of our comfort zones. Those type of things add freshness to your relationships.
Forgiveness…definitely. Both of us are very intentional about trying not to go to bed with unresolved conflict in our relationships. Unresolved conflict will ferment and sour your relationship, every time.
Time together, for us probably the most important time together is in the morning. I bring coffee to the bedroom before we get up for the day.
Just speaking for ourselves, I’ve observed there is an “ebb and flow” in our relationship in terms of emotional closeness . Dr Dobson talks about how our emotions tend to be responders. (ie. do the deed and our feelings will follow)….if your relationship is starting to feel “flat”, maybe it’s because you haven’t been investing time dating, doing little acts of kindness, thoughtfulness….I know that’s true in our lives.
What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for your wife?
That’s a hard one. I tend to be a romantic in a dozen little ways…I will often call home when I’m driving to work (I would have just walked out the door), or @ break time, lunch time…just to say “Hi” and tell her some silly thing I might be thinking about). I have put together more than one “surprise” party. I’m verbal. I think most wives long to hear what their husbands are thinking, how his day was, be asked how her day was, and yea, I have been known to wash the dishes on occasion.
What is your biggest regret?
Great question…funny you should ask it because I just had this conversation the other night.
I do not have any regrets @ this point in my life period…none…nada…sure I would do things differently if I had a chance to go back when our kids were little (and as a younger husband)..but @ the time I was doing what I thought I should be doing..and did things the best I could.
Looking back through your life, what one moment do you see as a “fork in the road – pivotal” moment?
The night I picked up the phone, pushing past raw fear to do this : read this post
What exactly do you do for a living?
I own a construction business with 2 employee’s currently besides myself. I love my job, every week is different. Today for example I rented a cement saw and cut an egress window into a basement. Last week we finished siding an older home. We also pour concrete, frame houses, and things like that.
Describe….how you proposed
We’d been dating for 5 months. One evening we were out taking a walk around my parents farm, hadn’t talked about marriage before that night, although I had been giving it some serious thought. I’d been having a very strong “nesting urge” (ie. desire to settle down and start a family vs. run around every weekend partying, so in the midst of our walk, I said I needed to talk to her about something…I looked at her and simply said, “Would you marry me?” ..there was the longest pause …and then she said, “You bet.” At that point my knees got weak and I had to sit on the ground…the rest is history
5 foods you hate: corn, peas, asparagus, white milk, carrots
5 foods you love :
KFC extra crispy, a good rare steak, fresh green beans with new potatoes and bacon, (sorry Winston), and coffee (coffee is a food group right?)
If you’d like me to come up with a set of questions you could use to create a blog post, let me know…I would love to.
”Each mind has its own method….do you think the porter and the cook has no anecdotes, no experiences, no wonders for you? …especially (those) whose minds have not been subdued by the drill of school education.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Quick story. ***
Little Johnny heads off to Kindergarden. Teacher tells the kids, “Today we are going to learn how to draw a flower.”
Little Johnny loves to draw so he gets busy , though the teacher is still talking. Here is Johnny’s flower:
Teacher comes by his desk a few minutes later and says, “That is a nice flower Johnny, but you weren’t listening, let me show you how I want you to do it:”
Johnny is embarrassed. His flower looks nothing like this. The other kids laugh at him and his flower, that’s what you get for not listening to the teacher. Johnny learns a valuable lesson that day. If you don’t do it right you may get laughed at, and that isn’t any fun.
We jumped into homeschooling when our children were 12, 11, 6 and 4. (1992) We were told it might take a few years of ”detoxification “ before our older ones natural curiosity and creativity would come back. I remember thinking to myself, what are they talking about -”detoxing”?
Detoxing from what?
What ever it was , it didn’t sound good. :-)
This essay is not about home schooling by the way…it’s about “detoxing“
Our choice to educate our children (for a season) at home was a radical departure from how I was raised and I discovered something serendipitously in the process. It was like opening Pandora’s box (but in a good way.) Once you make the choice to do X when society tends to push Y, you start looking at other things with an open mind too.
Why can’t I hire a woman on my small town construction crew????
I’m guessing most of us like to think of ourselves as independent types. The truth is, while we may have rebelled against the authorities of our youth,…we are pretty slow to wander too far the beaten trail of our peers. Then as we get older, other voices temper our choices. ”What would the neighbors think?”, “What would my friends think”, “What would my co-workers think?”…..and your flower looks a lot like everybody elses flower.
God made you unique, He loves diversity. One of the biggest ways to bring a smile on his face (my humble opinion) is for YOU to be you and do it with gusto.
*** (Can’t remember where I first heard this story.)
I can still remember the night the dam burst, the night I said what I was really thinking. I was 20, the kind of guy you could bring home to mama, and as phony as a $3.00 bill. I was a relational chameleon.
M and I had been dating for 4 months and I sensed her starting to withdraw (just like 4 other girls before her.)
We were sitting on an old stuffed coach in my bachelor’s apartment…she talked of moving to out of town, not really sure what she’d do or where she’d work, but was feeling restless. It was @ this point, something inside of me started gushing…. out of my mouth came my frustrations, my confusion, my sense of insecurity. There I was telling her what I was really thinking, and it was exhilarating
Charles Swindol wrote a book called “Dropping Your Guard” where he talks about the value and power of authentic relationships, living life transparently, without masks. That book changed my life.
I read a post by Sanityfound this week where she talks honestly about her choice to live life with child like abandon. Don’t let her sometimes silly come backs throw you…she is articulate, wise beyond her years (suffering will do that to you ), reading that post gives me insight into why she does what she does…it’s an intentional choice.. In my life, different issue, same result…once I tasted the freedom and power of living life without a mask, there was no way I was going back.
I loath (I know that ‘s a strong word but it is how I feel), I loath mask wearing and pretense…give me an honest respectful conversation any day.
One of the highlights of this past year blogging is I have met people who have taken off their masks with me. They may still chose to remain “anonymous” to the public at large, but with me , they have pulled back the curtain of their lives and we’ve connected on a deeper level. They know the real me and still they are willing to call me their friend.
I know some of the reasons why I wore a mask.. (low self esteem, past hurts, feels safer to wear mask than risk even more hurt, bla bla bla)..but do you know the price tag we pay for doing that?… a lonely life, because nobody knows the real you. you wouldbe amazed at the number of people who will love you anyway..and Christians by the way are some of the biggest mask wearers there are…we think we have to be this perfect person in order to effectively represent the God we profess to follow…when in fact, our life is a joke.
Photo of me talking with a 9th grade history class on Tuesday
I haven’t posted for a spell, I miss interacting with all of you…it has been a full couple of weeks. Thank you all who took the time to make a guest appearance on the blog…I still have 1 more in cue, probably going to wait until after I get back home to post it.
If you are a regular reader, you may or may not know I am in the middle of a 6 day walk. The route took me right through our home town so last night I got to sleep in my own bed. I have 2 big days ahead of me..14.6 miles today and 16.8 on Saturday, (and they are calling for rain again…imagine that.)
The photo above was of me speaking to a class of 9th graders in a local town. It just so happened they were studying Old Military Road in class (the same road I am retracing), so I fit right in. I have made so many memories already.
I wanted to wish a blogging friend happy birthday while I have a second in front of the computer. Hope she has a great day!!!!! I’ve also been thinking of another blogger who is due any day now….be sure and call me on my cell phone if anything happens OK? Finally, I’m still missing this blogger a lot. She and her son were with us the better part of 4 days right before I took off. check out this post she wrote after getting home. I noticed she also has a butt load of photos from their time here on her flickr photos on the left side of her home page…if you want to see a sliver of our lives through her photo lens, it would be worth scrolling through her pictures…I especially love the rooster.
Well, it’s about time to get up (I’m writing this @ 3:27 in the morning my time). You all don’t have too much fun without me OK? DM
This is me today.
Couple of things right up front if this is your first time here. I grew up on a farm. I'm a general contractor. Someone told me recently, "Do what you love and you'll never have to work a day in your whole life." That's my story.
We live in the Midwest...people still do things around here on a handshake. I married my high school sweetheart (Think Princess Bride...farm boy marries Princess Buttercup). I'm a dad and now a grandpa two times over....do I look old enough to be a grandpa????- I don't think so.
I have a Biblical World View. I'm an optimist 90% of the time, but will freely admit when I'm struggling that 10%. You can read about some of the struggles: here, here or here .
This is not a religious blog, although I am definitely a spiritual person. I hate it when people try to jam their "stuff" down my throat and I work real hard not to do that to you.
If you decide to leave a comment...please work real hard at communicating respectfully and graciously- especially with the other people whose thoughts you may not agree with. (no sarcasm). If you don't I will either delete or edit what you say.
I'm honored that you would take the time to read something I've written.
Recent Comments: If you don’t have your own photo, Wordpress will give you one :-) Good Luck!
Finally, I’m still missing 
