If you looked into my eyes…

If you would have looked into my eyes two weeks ago,  and had the fortitude to lock eyes with me for more than a few seconds, you would have seen brokenness and pain.

Our eyes really are windows to our soul.

I discovered that truth on a whole new level last weekend.

I need to back up just a little…..

A few of you who know me personally, know that I have not been able to cry since  I was 16 . (I’m currently  54)

I can pinpoint the  day it happened.

My brother and I were  wrestling and it went from a good natured match to an all out fight.  He kicked my butt.  To make matters worse, he was a year younger  and it happened in the presence of my mom and dad.

I wept.

I can still remember the shame and humiliation.  I swore in my heart I would NEVER  Ever, experience that sort of thing again.

NEVER.

Well, unbeknownst to me, somehow, deep within the recesses of my soul, I flipped a switch and could no longer cry.  Only once in the 38 years since do I remember weeping…I won’t go into that now, just to say, it was in the midst of some intense emotional pain.

So last weekend during the course of a men’s conference, one of the things we covered was the fact that all of us have areas in our hearts of brokenness and shame. …

Things  people have said to us.  (or not)

Things we’ve intentionally done that nobody knows except us.

Broken relationships.

Abuse

Physical things about ourselves we are ashamed of.

it might even be your name….  the list is endless, but the results  are still the same.   We begin to  carry around this ever increasing load of hurt and shame.

I was able to identify 4 very specific hurts last weekend.

That situation with my brother.

Secondly, a vague but very real, dislike for how I looked as a youngster growing up:

My name if you can believe that..

and finally, on a very personal note, the fact that I was a very late bloomer…didn’t physically mature into late into my senior year of high school.   The shame and embarrassment of those years in high school  really did a number on my self esteem.  Gym class was Hell.  Yep, I was a runt all through high school.  Not the last one picked when we chose teams.but one of the last.

All of it is  bull shit (that’s german for garbage) .

Another word picture…

Our hearts are full of  cracks. They leak like a sieve….and until those  hurts are brought into the open and addressed, we will  attempt to fill those cracks with anything that  gives  temporary relief.  Food, shopping, sex, alcohol, people,  $, our jobs, blogging, e-mail, face book, video games, hobbies taken to excess, etc.

None of it lasts.  Before long,  I’m  looking for another fix.

The food addict, is  no different than the shop-a-haulic or the sex addict.  All three of them are dealing with the same crap, just going about it in different ways.

If someone cared enough to look to look  deeply into our eyes…no sunglasses on …. they would see the pain.

To make a long story short, God touched all 4 of those hurts in a very specific way.

I no longer feel their weight.

I look @ that picture of my younger self and like what I see. I LOVE my given name,  (my real name isn’t Doug btw/ it’s Douglas) I am in touch with my emotions…(I wept at least 4 or 5 times last weekend) and finally, I’m OK with being a late bloomer. I suspect it  saved me from a lot of heartache.

I’m sure  there are  probably still  pockets of brokenness to discover, but for now,  I don’t have the same compulsions to check e-mail, face book , or even blog…all ways I think I was trying to connect with people in a way to satisfy the longings in my heart.

Thanks for checking in.    DM

Arne Saknussemm

In 1864 Jules Verne wrote  Journey to the Center of the Earth, a fictional story of 3 men, following in the footsteps of a Mr Arne Saknussemm, to the very center of the earth.  They encountered trials and situations beyond their wildest dreams.  At certain critical points, they would discover the name:

(Arne Saknussemm) carved into rock. That meant that in spite of what they were going through, that yes, they were on the right course.  Arne had been through this very same area and had returned to the surface to tell about his adventure, so they could keep pressing on.

I became a Christian May 4th 7:48 PM 1980.    Since that time, I have on occasion found myself in various  trying situations , some relatively short-term, others that caused me to stumble for weeks and months. For the most part, I have felt alone as I would attempt to gain (or keep) my spiritual bearings. Most of the mentoring that God has used to keep me on track has come in the form of good books and biographies.

While I am thankful for all of those timely books, I believe there is a better way….somebody who could have looked me in the eye and said, “Yes, I hear you,” or “Yes, I too can relate to what you are struggling with,” or “What you are going through happens more often than you might suspect.”

I am not talking about quoting verses about this or that, or telling you to “claim the victory” or other cheap trite platitudes.  Rather, as one battle hardened, battle- weary soldier to another.

All of us, sooner or later, to one degree or another, will taste many of the same pains:  Addictions, depression, grief, loss, betrayal, rejection, slander, loved ones who wrong us in a significant way, other Christians who turn on us, etc. etc.  Really, the list is endless.  Not one of them will come into our lives without first having to pass through the hands of God.

Even as Satan (yep, I do believe he’s real) could not touch so much as one of the hairs on Job’s camels without God’s permission, so too, nothing comes into our lives without the same permission.  There is not one harsh word, one look, one bit of slander, not one wrong doing that comes into our lives without first passing through the nail- pierced hands of Jesus.

Let me close by sharing a few things  I learned when I passed through an extended season of depression and discouragement, at a time where I lost all but one my closest friends,  and my life goal suddenly disappeared right before my very eyes. (I’m not talking about some short term, project, but something I had invested years of my life.)

#1  My focus was to remain “connected” and “soft” to God and  other people.  when I was tempted to get angry ( I was and you will be)  I could not afford to harbor bitterness.  Instead  I needed to pray God’s best over their lives.  I did it, and so can you.

#2  I wrote out my inner turmoil on paper.  Gradually it helped to clarify the many feelings and thoughts swirling around in my head.

#3  If you are depressed, you are in great company.  Elijah, David, Spurgeon, Luther, Winston Churchill and a host of modern day Christians have walked where you are walking.   Sometimes, it’s not due to any wrong doing on your part whatsoever.  Sometimes it is as simple as “burning the candle on both ends.”  Vince Lombardi put it like this; ” Fatigue makes cowards of us all.”

#4  Schedule some R and R into your life. (Remember Elijah?  God sent him to a B and B (well sort of);-) to recharge)

#5  Seek Godly counsel, someone removed from your situation with whom you can “unpack” the whole tangled mess.  My experience has been that some of these things are rather complicated.

#6 Don’t beat yourself up, cut yourself some slack, be patient with yourself.

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I originally wrote this back in 2000.  Since that time, I’ve dealt with the sexual assault of a daughter,  some heavy duty marriage stress,  one child landing in jail for drunk driving, just to name 3 significant life events.  I’m still on track and plodding .  DM

They called it teasing

  

    “The air was dank, tainted with the odors of steam, sweat and skin.  Years of rust and sediment from the dripping shower heads and armies of bare, wet feet had marbled the floor with streaks and patches of reddish brown.

     The authorities, clad in uniforms and carrying clipboards and whistles, marched the boys in, at least forty of them, all roughly the same age but many different sizes, strengths, and levels of maturity.  The dates of their births, the locations of their homes, and the simple luck of the draw had brought them here, and much like cattle earmarked for shipment, they had no voice in the matter.  The paperwork was in.  This room would be a part of their lives for the next four years.

     He had never been in this place, or anywhere like this place before.  He had never imagined such a place could even exist.  In here, kindness meant weakness, human warmth was a complication, and encouragement was unmanly.  In here, harshness was the guiding virtue- harshness, cruelty, and the blunt, relentless confirmation of every doubt he’d ever carried about himself.

      Mr M. a fearsome authority figure with a permanent scowl and a voice that yelled- only yelled- ordered them to strip down.  His assistants, clones of his cruelty, repeated the order, striding up and down the narrow aisles between the lockers.

     The boy hesitated, looking furtively about.  HE’d never been naked in front of strangers before, but even worse, he’d never been naked in front of enemies.  It had taken only one hour in gym class for the others to select him, to label him, and to put him in his place.  He was now officially the smallest one, the scared one, the weakling, the one without friends.  That made him fair game when it came time for showers.

      He he would be naked in front of them.  Naked.  His stomach wrung; his hands trembled.  Please God, get me out of here.  Please don’t let them do this to me.

     But every authority figure in his life had said he had to be here.  He had to go to school, do his chores, finish his homework, keep his shoes tied, go to bed and get up at certain hours, eat his vegetables, and be here.  End of discussion.

    He removed his clothes.

    Mr M continued his yelling.  “Come on, move it, move it, move it!”

     The herd- pink, black, brown, and bronze- moved in one direction and all he could do was move with it- a frail, naked body among the forty, longing for a towel, anything to cover himself.  Every other body was bigger, and stronger, and every other body had hair where the boy had none.  He knew they would notice.

     The showers were a long, high-ceiling echo chamber, murky with steam, rattling with lewd, raucous joking and laughter.  He didn’t want to hear it.

      After a big kid finished his shower, the boy carefully took his place under the showerhead, afraid  of slipping and even more afraid of grazing against anyone.  He let the water spray over him.  He hurriedly lathered his body with some soap.

     To his left, the talk started about him.  Then some laughing.  The talk spread, the call went out, “Hey, get a load of this!”  And audience gathered, a semicircle of naked dripping bodies.  The talk about him shifted to jeering at him.  He tried to act as if he didn’t hear them, but he could feel his face flushing.  Get through, get through, get out of here!

     He rinsed as well as he could , never turning away from the wall, then headed for the towel-off area, not meeting their eyes, trying to ignore their comments about his face, his body, his groin.  But the arrows were landing with painful accuracy: “Ugly”  “Wimp” “Gross” “Little girl.”

     He grabbed a towel off the cart and draped it around himself before he even started drying with it.  Even that action brought lewd comments and another lesson:  Once it begins, no action, no words, no change in behavior will turn it back.  Once you’re the target, anything you do will bring another arrow….. ” to be continued 

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    This is an excerpt from Frank Peretti’s book No More Victims    His words felt hauntingly familiar to me  (DM).   How about you?   Were you the brunt of any teasing growing up?  What did it feel like?   Has it left any scars?  Before someone is tempted to put a positive spin on this one, let’s take a  little time to tell our stories.

       I know, when life gives us lemons we’re supposed to make lemonade and all that other good stuff..but I’ve also watched   some  of my kids  experience   hellacious harassment in school- and  I suspect  they may still carrying the wounds today.

     Thoughts, questions, comments?

What Do You See?

      “When you look at me Father, what do you see?

      “I see a scared little boy, who needs his Father…. you’re coming home with me, meet me down stairs.”

There is a pause in the conversation….and then:

      “But I’m not a little boy any more, I am a man, I am an Olympian…and I’m not going to go with you “

                              from the movie,   Cool Running

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    Have you seen the movie Cool Running?  Its a slap stick comedy based on a true story about a Jamaican bobsled team.   Silly movie with some great messages. 

   One of the team members  has a rich father who treats his son like he’s still 10 years old- even though he’s finished college and made  the Jamaican team for the Olympics.    Boy is still intimidated by his dad..a watershed moment comes in their relationships after another team member sees his insecurity and gives him a new vision for who he  can be as his son.  A portion of their conversation  is how this musing started out.

      You – what do you see when you look in the mirror?  A scared little boy (or girl)?    It doesn’t matter what your parents see- what matters is what you see…and unfortunately,  some parents will continue to treat you as their child until you call them on it.

     I’ve been blessed with 4 children-  as a parent I see 4  people who have blossomed into young adults…our relationship has changed they are now my peers…and the amazing thing is..they still want to keep in touch, they tell me that they love me and even give me  hugs

     Here’s a picture of some of us on Christmas eve:  

      

     Wishing  those of you that know us…. A Merry Christmas  DM

Finding My Voice Part 1

      Pushy people come in all shapes and sizes.

    

    It could  be your parent, pastor, co-worker ,boss, sibling, friend or even  classmate.

      Last week a friend  came back into my life after 15 years.   He is one of those people that often  left me drained after a conversation.  I discovered something as we talked…..I’ve changed.   I used to  keep silent in the face of challenging questions or opinions offered without invitation.   The intimidation  and pressure I felt as we talked felt so familiar and strong but instead of me  resorting to  the  doormat mentality  (which was my old pattern) ,   I verbally pushed back. 

         Yea me

      Some people have no problem speaking their mind, standing their ground.  My friend Amber strikes me as someone like that     She is a person you want in your corner.

     I would describe myself as starting out on the opposite end of the spectrum…..People Pleas-er to the Nth degree….yuck.

     I believe finding your  voice is a transferable concept. 

        I’d like to take  the next two posts to talk about this life skill.  I’ve certainly not arrived yet, I know there are things some of you can teach me, yet at the same time, I have grown..significantly, and it would be selfish of me to not at least share what I’ve learned.  Here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

   #1  I look at all of life  like  a Continuing Education Program.  (I’m not just making this up …this is one of my life metaphors.)     15 years ago I identified  people pleasing  as a problem.  (That is half the battle, identifying the issue.) Three years ago  I found myself working for a pushy contractor,  (I’ll call him Mr Pushy)  I thought to myself: “Good, he will  force me to speak up on occasion,”

     Quick story…

        March 2007 , my cousin passed away.  Friday, the day of the funeral,  my employee’s went in to work for  Mr Pushy without me.  Monday morning  Mr Pushy leaves  a message on my cell phone  whining about how little got done on Friday.   During the 20 minute commute to work  I had a chance to think long and hard about whether or not I wanted to continue to work for him…by the time I got to work, I  was hot.  

        The first thing out of Mr Pushy’s mouth, “Did you see what your boys got done on Friday?”    I was standing about 2 feet in front of him and I let him have it.  It was  an out of body experience,  like watching my dad.  In the 18  months I’d worked for him , not once had I  gotten upset.    I discovered in that conversation that pushy people sometimes push us as far as they do because we let them.  It is intentional.  They  sense we’re intimidated,  they know  they’re crossing the line asking us to  put up with things they would NEVER put up with  themselves….don’t loose sight of that.

     #2  I have been  proactive in seeking to grow.  I signed up for  an assertiveness workshop sponsored by a local community college.  We roll played situations, looked at a list of “rights such as:

         I have the right to change my mind  (since that weekend, I regularly exercise this right just to stay in shape)

        I don’t have to tell you why  (although I may choose to do so)

       Learned how to  say the word “NO” and not feel guilty   ( I could write a whole blog post on just that point alone, in fact I think I will)

     That weekend workshop cost me $25.00 at the time and the last time I checked, because I’d learned some new ways to respond in certain situations,  I’d recouped that money 100 times over (Honest)

    Well, that’s part one, any questions?  comments? suggestions?  Thanks in advance for your comments!

Jennifer

      You serendipitously  said, “ If  you ever want to adopt another daughter, I am available.” 

     Here’s a portion of our reply to you….”  I know you’re probably kidding about being adopted, but  the more we thought about it, the more we talked and yes we  do want to “adopt” you into our hearts.  How that plays itself out in real life is totally up to you….I wouldn’t be surprised if you never write back, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you do.”

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     Jennifer,

     I’ve been writing a series of notes celebrating my children.   I told you before I was finished, I wanted to write one for you too,  here it is…

      One of the highlights of this past year was crossing paths with you.  I never dreamed that before the year was out, we would meet you in person.  I told you after you left, but want  to say it again,  next to my wife and eldest daughter, , you probably know me better than  any other person because you’ve read my blog and  gotten to know the real me..

      and still you accept me….wow.

     I can’t tell you how empowering that has been.   I think most of us long to be known and accepted for who they really are…you have given me that gift by your friendship.

     Here are some other things I appreciate about you…

      Your humility.  It takes a lot of guts to admit when you’re struggling and could use some encouragement and direction.  I believe in you young lady ;-)

     You’re passion for  helping hurting people.

     You’re a giver..not an energy sucker.  You meet some people in life, and all  they do is suck you dry.  You come along side them, you listen, you love them…and all they do is want more, more more.  I think one of the things about you that has been exciting is to watch you fight and scrap your way through your brokenness…we pray for you regularly, you know that don’t you?

     You are a great mommy!  As we’ve  read your letters, and watched you in person, I can see that  you have a better handle on parenting than I did when I was your age.

     You are an encourager.  I so appreciated the time you told me to pick up the phone and call if ever I needed to talk with someone…didn’t matter what time it was.  Just knowing that the offer was there, encouraged me…and the offer still stands, right?

We love you as one of our own     D and M

 

 

     

     

When Other People Try To “Use Me”- A Musing

      “I have a problem-  people tell me they love me…but the truth is- they love my body….it’s driving me crazy”  

       From a note I  got recently from a young woman living in the Middle East.

     Put me in mind of a story….

 

      I have several daughters and my heart goes out to her…what do you say to something like that?  (honestly, if you have some insight, please  take a minute to leave a comment.)  I’ve been thinking about her words ever since I got the note.

       Today  it struck me….while I’ve never been in her shoes, I have had relationships  where someone “seemed” to have my best interest in mind, but as time passed, I began to see  their ulterior motives-which causes me to run …in the opposite direction.

    ”We’d like you have you and the Mrs over for dinner…” So we go and are bushwacked with an “AMWAY”  presentation….grrrrrrrr

     Then, there was a pastor in my life…at some point, I realized I was a “scalp” on his belt..a number on his attendance chart…not a person to be loved.   Thanks but no thanks  Bob  (his real name)

     Last week, we were having pizza…it’s been a cold winter, so I reluctantly agreed to let  Oscar (our 11 yr old beagle)  camp out by the entry door.  Well, Oscar smelled  food,  walked into the kitchen ..his eye was on the pizza in my hand-  he wasn’t interested in my company…just the food.

     “What a shallow dog! ” I told him.  Which caused my mind to go to my young friend from the MIddle East.

    I believe, most of us are looking for this:

      Unconditional love without pretense.  If you have experienced it…you are rich.

        Having experienced it, it has become  my goal in relationships.

Pretense: A mere show- without reality, outward appearance, an action intending to deceive….

       How do you find relationships built on unconditional love?   I have some thoughts but would like to hear from you first. 

          

Reader Needs Advice On Life And Marriage

  

 

      Got a note last night from a reader looking for some input, decided to ask those of you that are regular readers to come along side her as well…
 

     I would like some advice…
    For the better part of our marriage, I have been the breadwinner of the family. My husband is an educated man, he is a college graduate and has gone back to college 2-3 times to pursue additional education but has not finished. I dropped out of high school but managed to work my way up the ladder just by pure hard work and feeling inadequate for not being educated.  I read constantly so no one will know that I don’t have a degree like all my coworkers. (back to the point)  We have teenage daughters and we had a son that passed away at age 5 1/2 due to a medical problem.  All the time our son was alive, my husband took great care of him and I traveled and worked however I could to provide for 4 children and him.  It has been several years and our daughters all almost all grown and my husband is working but out of town at a job that does not pay much.  (it is a long story) but we moved away and back to our home town and he is waiting on a transfer. Needs to keep a long term job so he can build back his work history which was not the best.I realize that my life a point where it is harder to find a reason to keep going.  I find it even harder to keep having faith in my husband and be a patient and loving wife.   I  feel that due to my constant travel (which has now stopped) and being a single parent all week to three grown girls have taken it’s toll.  The other day, my daughter called me a dumb bitch.. and there is not anything I can really do.

The situation is out of control and I don’t feel like my husband has any answers and the burden of the load has been on my shoulders for so long, I just want some relief. I am just to the point of walking away. Problem is, every loan, the house mortgage and three cars are in my name and I pay for everything. I love my husband and kids, after 20 years of marriage… I am just feeling like this is not ever going to get any better and I am tired of the load on my back.

In addition, I am overweight, don’t take care of myself because now we are struggling with money and I just feel like the biggest doormat.

When are you loving unconditionally and when are you being a doormat. It just seems like I don’t have what it takes to make this relationship successful and we don’t have the right stuff.

Cherie.

I Want A Pig! (part 2)

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals.”    Winston Churchill

   

   Winston Churchill had a love for pigs . 

    When  the problems of life would start to wear him down and he wanted to unwind he would  go out  and talk to his pig.      We’re thinking about getting a pig (or two).     There are things about pigs you probably don’t know unless you’ve been around them. 

       They are highly intelligent. 

       They are NOT messy creatures…when you hear about pigs and mud..what they’re doing is trying to stay cool…they don’t sweat so in the Summer heat, they will try to find a water hole. 

       They are social creatures (that’s why I’d get two instead of just one…so they could keep each other company)

       They make great pets.  I had one when I was growing up..they love to have you scratch them behind their ears. 

        They are not naturally smelly…they just start smelling if you don’t clean out their living quarters.

        We have a couple of spots on the farm that I don’t mow.   I’m thinking the pigs can spend their summer under the trees,  keeping down the weeds…it’s a win-win situation. 

       My wife suggested this morning if we do get a pig, one of them needs to be named “Winston”. 

     My brother Steve had a pig , decided to just  let him just grow..see how big he’d get.  Normally, you take the pig to market when he get’s 220 pounds…well, Steve’s pig got up to over 900 pounds ..started having knee problems..wonder why?.

     Anyway, if you do come to see us this Summer, there is a very  good chance you will get to meet Winston….

       Ah, one of the joys of living in the Country….coming up with a weird idea and then being able to act on it.

     I posted this article on my other blog yesterday.

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     On a completely different note, we have 3 musicians from the UK  staying with us this week.  We’ve rented a local coffee house for them to perform on Friday.  The Mrs and I  had a chance to see them three times last week.  They are awesome!  They called this past Sunday and wondered if they could spend the night here..the other arrangements they had didn’t work  out.  This is one of the reasons I love having a B and B…we can put someone up on short notice.

Interpersonal Relationships Graduate Program

     “Would you have a set of scaffolding I could use for a couple of days?”  

       That conversation signaled the beginning of  my work  relationship with Don Winters, (not his real name) the past 3 years.  We settled up and  parted company this past weekend on good terms.  That is an amazing feat in itself.  I enjoyed my time with him  but there were moments  it felt like I was riding  one of these:

  

       “Be at peace with all men, so far as depends upon you….is one of my life principles.  I don’t “do” unresolved conflict very well.  If there is tension in my relationship with you , I will address it.   Early on, two people cautioned me that Don could  be pushy and dare I say manipulative…just give him some time   They were right. 

     I hate conflict and tend to be a people pleas-er, so working with Don forced me out of my comfort zone.  In the 30 months I worked for him, I had to aggressively pursue getting paid every time. Early on, I had to let him know, unlike his other men, my crew  would  take a morning coffee break.   When you’re doing heavy physical labor you burn between 5000-7500 calories a day….so by 10 AM I  need my sugar.

     We almost parted company on strained terms.  Last March , some of you may recall, my Cousin Michelle passed away in a tragic accident.   I didn’t work the day of the funeral, but  a couple of my guys did.  Don left a grumpy message on my voice mail about how little my crew got done that day.  That did not sit well with me .  I commented to my wife I was not going to put up with it.  On the ride to work  next Monday, I asked Ben about Don’s message.  I began to entertain thoughts of severing my working relationship  with him.   When we got to the job-site, the first thing out of Don’s mouth was “Did you see how little your guys got done on Friday?”

             I was standing about 18 inches from him and I let him have it…remember, I’d been building up a head of steam ever since I’d listened to that voice message.)  Eye ball to eye ball, I told him that was it- I was done working for him… “I’m almost 50 years old and I’m not going to put up with this stuff. ”

      It was  like an out of body experience…it felt like I was watching my dad  straighten out  this 60 yr old bully.  I didn’t swear  (I might have said bull sh*t).    We both knew I was right… he started back peddling, telling me we needed to go out for a cup of coffee  or something to talk this out.  “I don’t think so”  I thought to myself…

    We didn’t part company that day, in fact, we worked together for another year….Don- if you ever read this..just want you to know..I did enjoy my time with you.

    But now it’s time to award myself this certificate:

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School Of Life

Graduate Program

 

        The bearer of this certificate has demonstrated  the ability to hold his ground in a relationship with someone known to intimidate 90% of the population…By virtue of the fact he was able to collect his last check,and leave on good terms.

    The recipient is hereby awarded a Masters Degree in the area of getting along with tough people.

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     Several of you have expressed frustration in some of your work relationships,  I know God uses these situations  to grow us…but at what point do you draw a line in the sand and say “Enough is enough?”