If you would have looked into my eyes two weeks ago, and had the fortitude to lock eyes with me for more than a few seconds, you would have seen brokenness and pain.
Our eyes really are windows to our soul.
I discovered that truth on a whole new level last weekend.
I need to back up just a little…..
A few of you who know me personally, know that I have not been able to cry since I was 16 . (I’m currently 54)
I can pinpoint the day it happened.
My brother and I were wrestling and it went from a good natured match to an all out fight. He kicked my butt. To make matters worse, he was a year younger and it happened in the presence of my mom and dad.
I can still remember the shame and humiliation. I swore in my heart I would NEVER Ever, experience that sort of thing again.
Well, unbeknownst to me, somehow, deep within the recesses of my soul, I flipped a switch and could no longer cry. Only once in the 38 years since do I remember weeping…I won’t go into that now, just to say, it was in the midst of some intense emotional pain.
So last weekend during the course of a men’s conference, one of the things we covered was the fact that all of us have areas in our hearts of brokenness and shame. …
Things people have said to us. (or not)
Things we’ve intentionally done that nobody knows except us.
Physical things about ourselves we are ashamed of.
it might even be your name…. the list is endless, but the results are still the same. We begin to carry around this ever increasing load of hurt and shame.
I was able to identify 4 very specific hurts last weekend.
That situation with my brother.
Secondly, a vague but very real, dislike for how I looked as a youngster growing up:
My name if you can believe that..
and finally, on a very personal note, the fact that I was a very late bloomer…didn’t physically mature into late into my senior year of high school. The shame and embarrassment of those years in high school really did a number on my self esteem. Gym class was Hell. Yep, I was a runt all through high school. Not the last one picked when we chose teams.but one of the last.
All of it is bull shit (that’s german for garbage) .
Another word picture…
Our hearts are full of cracks. They leak like a sieve….and until those hurts are brought into the open and addressed, we will attempt to fill those cracks with anything that gives temporary relief. Food, shopping, sex, alcohol, people, $, our jobs, blogging, e-mail, face book, video games, hobbies taken to excess, etc.
None of it lasts. Before long, I’m looking for another fix.
The food addict, is no different than the shop-a-haulic or the sex addict. All three of them are dealing with the same crap, just going about it in different ways.
If someone cared enough to look to look deeply into our eyes…no sunglasses on …. they would see the pain.
To make a long story short, God touched all 4 of those hurts in a very specific way.
I no longer feel their weight.
I look @ that picture of my younger self and like what I see. I LOVE my given name, (my real name isn’t Doug btw/ it’s Douglas) I am in touch with my emotions…(I wept at least 4 or 5 times last weekend) and finally, I’m OK with being a late bloomer. I suspect it saved me from a lot of heartache.
I’m sure there are probably still pockets of brokenness to discover, but for now, I don’t have the same compulsions to check e-mail, face book , or even blog…all ways I think I was trying to connect with people in a way to satisfy the longings in my heart.
Thanks for checking in. DM