Musing on Friendship

      “I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost work, but the solidest thing we know.”         Emerson

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      This morning I found myself struggling with two “friendships.”

I was feeling rejected and slighted.

It wasn’t until this afternoon that I finally got past being stuck.

I realized ( yet again) that I was reading more into a certain  relationship  than I should.

Just because I feel a certain connection with another person doesn’t mean they feel the same way towards me.

      Quick word picture.

      We have an apple orchard.

Every  June, after the bees are done doing their thing  and the apples begin to form, there comes a point in the maturing process where the apple tree will shed (or thin) a certain percentage of the apples that have begun to mature.

Newly forming  apples

They just drop on the ground.

I’d guess 20 % fall off the tree @ this point.

I used to think that was such a waste.

The truth is,  that thinning then enables the tree to focus it’s energy on the remaining apples…Less apples but the ones that remain are substantial.

It dawned on me a couple of years ago, that is a perfect word picture when it comes to the people and relationships that come along in my life.  Lots of small superficial relationships begin..even here in the blogging world..but check back in a year or two and you’ll discover, many of them will  not continue.

     I get into trouble when I  think there is more to a relationship than there is….

     It takes TIME for relationships to form (see below)

You’ve probably heard  if we have just one or two deep long term friendships we should count ourselves blessed.

I used to think I was the exception to that statement, and could easily maintain several dozen deep meaningful relationships at the same time.

I know now, that is not reality.

It takes time and energy to keep, and maintain  deep friendships and low and behold Emerson was right .

         So tonight, I re-post this portion of Emerson’s musing on friendship for myself.

   I also want to toast  the   friendships in my life that have made it past the “thinning” process…

    Here’s that portion of Emerson’s essay that I love….

   

      “Our friendships hurry to short and poor conclusions, because we have made them a texture of wine and dreams, instead of the tough fibre of the human heart. The laws of friendship are austere and eternal, of one web with the laws of nature and of morals. But we have aimed at a swift and petty benefit, to suck a sudden sweetness. We snatch at the slowest fruit in the whole garden of God, which many summers and many winters must ripen.”

     Bashfulness and apathy are a tough husk, in which a delicate organization is protected from premature ripening. It would be lost if it knew itself before any of the best souls were yet ripe enough to know and own it. Respect the naturlangsamkeit which hardens the ruby in a million years, and works in duration.”

Naturlangsamkeit: a German word for a slow process of ripening

In other words, friendships take time to ripen…I  can’t  hurry the process….!!!!!!!

      “There are two elements that go to the composition of friendship, each so sovereign that I can detect no superiority in either, no reason why either should be first named. One is Truth. A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness .”

       “We parry and fend the approach of our fellow-man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs. We cover up our thought from him under a hundred folds……

     “The essence of friendship is entireness, a total magnanimity (Magnanimous: generous in forgiving) and trust”.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Tell me about a time you got  caught in the trap of “expectations” in a relationship   ie.  maybe you invited them to something and they never came or communicated, you were going through a tough time, and  people you thought would be there weren’t and  vice versa …Don’t tell me I’m not the only person who has ever made that boo-boo

Please pray for a fellow blogger

I’m going to get right to the point on this one.  I met Joy probably  4 years ago now because both of us were using WordPress to blog.   While I’ve never met her in person, she has become a  friend in real life.

About a month ago, she found out she had some type of cancer that affects her blood.

She has been uncharacteristically quiet on her Facebook  involvement, so I shot an quick e-mail to a mutual acquaintance  earlier this week who sent me an update.

She needs a blood marrow donor and unless there is at least a 90% match, they won’t even attempt the procedure.

I’m sorry if some of the medical details are a little sketchy…I’m not @ liberty to tell you much more than this…in fact, I’m not even going to link back to her blog because I don’t have her permission and I know she’s in the fight of her life..don’t want to bother her with something like that.

One of the things that has surprised me most about blogging (I’ve been @ it now since late 2007)  is how some blogging relationships have turned into real, honest to goodness friendships, some of them quite significant.

I (DM)  looked into becoming a bone marrow donor this week after getting the update on Joy.  It  sounded like the marrow donor program are really looking for people between the ages of 18 to 44 so they kind of discouraged me from registering

Here’s a link to the national donor registry home page

So couple of things…if you are a person of faith, and believe in the power of prayer, please remember Joy the blogger in your prayers..and secondly, if you’re under 44 years of age, I would really invite you to consider getting registered w/ the bone marrow donor bank…sounds really simple and easy to do…

Thank you in advance! DM

Appointment with Love

I can still remember a Christmas eve , doesn’t seem that long ago…I was @ my grandparents, talking with my Uncle Bill.  I remember telling him I wished I had a girl friend…

There were absolutely no prospects on the horizon…none...nada…

He told me, you never know…that special someone might be just around the corner…

Would you believe I bumped into her less that two months later..

So my encouragement to you my fellow blog reader if that is your situation…

Don’t give up!~

The following story is for you

Sending you a Christmas Blessing.  DM

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      Six minutes to six, said the great round clock over the information booth in Grand Central Station.  The tall young Army lieutenant who had just come from the direction of the tracks lifted his sunburned face, and his eyes narrowed to note the exact time.  His heart was pounding with a beat that shocked him because he could not control it.  In six minutes, he would see the woman who had filled such a special place in his life for the past 13 months, the woman he had never seen, yet whose written words had been with him and sustained him unfailingly.

     He placed himself as close as he could to the information booth, just beyond the ring of people besieging the clerks…

      Lieutenant Blanford remembered one night in particular, the worst of the fighting, when his plane had been caught in the midst of a pack of Zeros.  He had seen the grinning face of one of the enemy pilots.

     In one of his letters, he had confessed to her that he often felt fear, and only a few days before this battle, he had received her answer: “Of course you fear…all brave men do.  Didn’t King David know fear?  That’s why he wrote the 23rd Psalm.  Next time you doubt yourself, I want you to hear my voice reciting to you, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for Thou art with me.”  And he had remembered;  he had heard her imagined voice, and it had renewed his strength and skill.

     Now he was going to hear her real voice.  Four minutes to six.  His face grew sharp. 

       Under the immense, starred roof, people were walking fast, like threads of color being woven into a grey web.  A girl passed close to him,  and Lieutenant Blanford started.  She was wearing a red flower in her suit lapel, but it was a crimson sweet pea, not the little red rose they had agreed upon.  Besides this girl was too young, about 18, whereas Hollis Meynell had frankly told him she was 30.  “Well, what of it?” he had answered.  “I’m 32.  He was 29.

     His mind went back to that book- the book the Lord Himself must have put into his hands out of the hundreds of Army  library books sent to the Florida training camp.  Of Human Bondage, it was; and throughout the book were notes in a woman’s writing.  He had always hated that writing-in habit, but these remarks were different.  He had never believed that a woman could see into a man’s heart so tenderly, so understandingly.  Her name was on the book-plate  Hollis Meynell.  He had got hold of a New York City telephone book and found her address.  He had written, she had answered.  Next day he had been shipped out, but they had gone on writing.

     For 13 months, she had faithfully replied, and more than replied.  When his letters did not arrive, she wrote anyway, and now he believed he loved her, and she loved him.

     But she had refused all his pleas to sent him a photograph.  That seemed rather bad, of course.  But she had explained: “If your feeling for me has any reality, any honest basis, what I look like won’t matter.  Suppose I’m beautiful.  I’d always be haunted by the feeling that you had been taking a chance on just that, and that kind of love would disgust me.  Suppose I’m plain (and you must admit that this is more likely) Then I’d always fear that you were going on writing me only because you were lonely and had no one else.  No, don’t ask for my picture.  When you come to New York, you shall see me and they you shall make your decision.  Remember, both of us are free to stop or go on after that- whichever we choose…”

      One minute to six- he pulled hard on the cigarette.

     Then Lieutenant Blanford’s heard leaped higher than his plane had ever done.

     A young woman was coming toward him.  Her figure was long and slim; her blond hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears.  Her eyes were blue and flowers, her lips and chin had a gentle firmness.  In her pale green suit, she was like springtime come alive.

     He started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was wearing no rose, and as he moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips.

      Going my way soldier?” she murmured.

      Uncontrollably, he made one step closer to her.  Then he saw Hollis Meynell.

      She was standing almost directly behind the girl, a woman well past 40, her greying hair tucked under a worn hat.  She was more than plump; her thick-ankled feet were thrust into low-heeled shoes.  But she wore a red rose in a rumpled lapel of her brown coat.

     The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away.

     Blanford felt that though he were being split in two, so keen was his desire to follow the girl, yet so deep was his longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companion-ed and upheld his own; and there she stood.  Her pale  plump face was gentle and sensible;  he could see that now.  Her gray eyes had a warm, kindly twinkle.

     Lieutenant Blanford did not hesitate.  His fingers gripped the small, worn, blue leather copy of Of Human Bondage, which was to identify him to her.  This would  not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even rarer than love- a friendship for which he had been and must ever be grateful.

     He squared his broad shoulders, saluted and held the book out toward the woman, although even while he spoke, he felt shocked by the bitterness of his disappointment.

      “I”m lieutenant John Blanford, and you- you are Miss Meynell.  I’m so glad you could meet me.  May…..may I take you to dinner?”

      The woman’s face broadened into a tolerant smile.  “I don’t know what this is all about, son,” she answered.  “That young lady in the green suit- the one who just went by- begged me to wear this rose on my coat.  And she said that if you asked me to go out with you, I should tell you that she’s waiting for you in that big restaurant across the street.  She said it was some kind of a test.  I’ve got two boys with Uncle Sam myself, so I didn’t mind to oblige you.”  Sulamith Ish-Kishor

from A  3rd serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul.

Old Cheese

“Society is commonly too cheap.  We meet at very short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value for each other.  We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are……certainly less frequency would suffice for all important and hearty communications…”

from his essay on solitude  Thoreau

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“I missed you” my wife told me this morning.

Music to my ears.

She just got back from spending 3 days with a good friend who is grieving the loss of her son.

Things have been a little tense (stale?) around here, lately so I chuckled and  and mumbled something about being “good fresh cheese/ and not stale musty cheese”

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There is a rhythm to relationships…

all relationships…

friendships,  family relationships, even Internet blogging relationships…

reminds me of  this verse from Ecclesiastes:  “There is a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing…”

I (had) a friend who used to stop by to chat.

He would stop by on  Sunday afternoons.

I noticed I started to get this knot/ uptight feeling in my gut Sunday afternoons.
I would feel a nap coming on, and  think….hummm, it’s been 3 or 4 weeks since my friend had last stopped…I wonder if today he’ll pop in….

These would not be 30 minute visits,  they would last for a couple of hours.

Things finally came to a head.

One Sunday, we were getting ready to leave for a birthday party…Wife and I were scurrying around, I still needed to shave…

This friend pulls into the driveway, I meet him at the door, he steps into the kitchen, I say to him...’Today’s probably not a good day for a visit…I need to get ready for a party,”

he replies…“Go ahead and get ready…”

he continues to stand there, looking like he has no intention of leaving….

It ticked me off.  Can’t remember what I said after that, but it took some additional coaxing for me to help him connect the dots, that now was not going to work, and he would have to leave…

We have another friend, whom we see  3 or 4 times a year….tops

We’ve been known to close down a Starbucks on more than one occasion…reminds me of those days when I would sit for hours engrossed in a deep conversation with someone on a Saturday night in a bar….it would feel like we were in a bubble, and the people  and noise all around us were not really there.

As I thought about this second friendship and the frequency of our getting together’s , I  said to the friend who had a hard time connecting the dots when it came time to leave

.“I  would prefer we just  together every 6 to 8 weeks..”

(My thought was, in this other friendship,  which I dearly enjoy, we can go 8 to 12 weeks between visits, then getting together only every 6 to 8 seems more balanced with the rest of my life)

He took it well enough I thought at the time…. I said maybe we could do a little more communicating via e-mail…

(side note : I have not seen or heard from him again, as of this writing it’s been about 30 weeks.. ..I’ve called, e-mailed and sent him a note, oh well, )

What I was experiencing in this relationship is not uncommon…. it is part of being human.

When the knot in my stomach would start and I would have these thoughts about   not being a “good friend”. this verse would pop into my head:

“Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.”                           from the  book of Proverbs 25:17

yep, that pretty much summed up what I was feeling…

(boy am I on a roll this week..two verses in one blog post )

So here’s to all of us who enjoy  interacting with people…

Sometimes less is better.

Even in the world of cheese…it’s all about timing.

ps if you’re ever looking for a gift ideas for me… I love swiss cheese DM

Top 5 Regrets of the dying and why I don’t have them

Granddaughter and friend dancing @  one of our music festivals

I  (DM) celebrated another birthday yesterday.  I still feel  like I’m 28…   I love getting older. (so far at least)  I’m still  physically fit (just ask my 30 yr old daughter Angie about that)   One of the reasons I love life as much as I do can be traced to the following article by Bronnie Ware.  

I don’t have any regrets. Honest.  

Have I messed up on occasion?  Oh yes, very much so. 

Am I perfect?  Not on your life.  Just ask my wife, she’s got lots of dirt on me. 

Have I been the perfect parent? Nope, done some very stupid things on occasion...very

But  I have learned the secret of not wallowing  when I do screw up. 

Nothing gained by self flagellation.

Dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

 Here’s that article.  Let me know what you think.

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“For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last 3 to 12 weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

(That is where having your own bucket list comes into play.  I have actively used one for years, even though I didn’t call it that in the beginning.  If you need any help w/ yours, let me know I’ve taught a workshop on how  to write your own bucket list several times/ gotten some great feedback on it. DM)  You can also read  a portion of my bucket list here.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

(Here’s a blog post I wrote back in 07 that pertains to this regret/ working too much. DM)

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.”

This post was originally published on Inspiration and Chai.

Bronnie Ware is a writer and songwriter from Australia who spent several years caring for dying people in their homes. She has recently released a full-length book titled ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing’. It is a memoir of her own life and how it was transformed through the regrets of the dying people she cared for. For more information, please visit Bronnie’s official website at www.bronnieware.com or her blog at www.inspirationandchai.com.

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Friendships in the Blogging world

Blogging brings with it the temptation and false illusion of deep friendships.

Last night I was thinking about the many, many people I’ve had the opportunity to get to know   via my wordpress blog since  2007

I’ve observed a pattern.

most  eventually drift away…not all of them, but most.

It is actually a good thing.

Apple trees do the same thing every summer.  (we have a small orchard)

The tree start out with hundreds of newly pollinated apples in late May, but by early June, many have fallen to the ground.  The remaining apples  will then  have the nourishment and energy they require to mature.

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The following is a portion of an essay on friendships by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

      “Our friendships hurry to short and poor conclusions, because we have made them a texture of wine and dreams, instead of the tough fibre of the human heart. The laws of friendship are austere and eternal, of one web with the laws of nature and of morals. But we have aimed at a swift and petty benefit, to suck a sudden sweetness. We snatch at the slowest fruit in the whole garden of God, which many summers and many winters must ripen.”

     Bashfulness and apathy are a tough husk, in which a delicate organization is protected from premature ripening. It would be lost if it knew itself before any of the best souls were yet ripe enough to know and own it.

Respect the naturlangsamkeit which hardens the ruby in a million years, and works in duration.”

Naturlangsamkeit: a German word for a slow process of ripening.

(In other words, friendships take time to ripen…you can’t really hurry the process….)

      “There are two elements that go to the composition of friendship, each so sovereign that I can detect no superiority in either, no reason why either should be first named. One is Truth. A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness .”

       “We parry and fend the approach of our fellow-man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs. We cover up our thought from him under a hundred folds. I knew a man, who, ….. cast off this drapery, and, omitting all compliment and commonplace, spoke to the conscience of every person he encountered, and that with great insight and beauty. At first he was resisted, and all men agreed he was mad. But persisting, as indeed he could not help doing, for some time in this course, he attained to the advantage of bringing every man of his acquaintance into true relations with him. No man would think of speaking falsely with him, or of putting him off with any chat of markets or reading-rooms…… But every man was constrained by so much sincerity to the like plain-dealing. 

     “The essence of friendship is entireness, a total magnanimity (Magnanimous: generous in forgiving) and trust”.

  “I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost work, but the solidest thing we know.”

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I’ve had the  privilege to meet (4)  of you  fellow bloggers  in person since 2008.   Felt like I was meeting a long lost sibling each time…which tells me that the process of  “Naturlangsamkeit” was in fact taking place….

      It is possible to build healthy friendships via your blog.

And finally, I posted  this on facebook last night:

       There is magic in long-distance friendships. They let you relate to other human beings in a way that goes beyond being physically together and is often more profound. ~Diana Cortes

How to handle a Compulsive talker

I glanced out our kitchen window this past Saturday and  just about died.

Donna B  (not her real name) was reaching for the door nob.

The last time she’d stopped, I had to tell her three times we did  not want to listen to her gossip and slander her estranged husband, (who happened to be a friend of mine). The visit lasted at least 3 hours.  Wore both my wife and I out.

That was two months ago…and now here she was again.

She came in,  sat down @ the kitchen table  and began to talk.

For 2 and 1/2 hours she talked.  One story to the next.

It was not a conversation, because she does most of the talking.

Wife and I caring people.I would say we are both great listeners.

But how much is too much?

It took a while but I finally decided there has got to be a  tactful way to put a time limit on a compulsive talker.

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I came across an excellent article by Charles Shahar

Here’s a portion of it:

      “A comfortable conversation has a certain flow. Both parties are focused on each other. There is an active give-and-take. This dynamic exchange brings pleasure to the participants. They are energized by the experience. When they leave, they will seem livelier than before the conversation. They may look back at the encounter with fondness, and will respond favorably to the other person when they meet them again.

A conversation with a compulsively talkative person has a different flow. All of the attention is aimed in one direction: you are doing the listening, they are doing the talking. They seem to have an infinite capacity for spouting forth words. You will find that you are getting tired, your body is sagging, you feel restless, or you feel tightness in the pit of your stomach. They are draining your energy. You are doling out tons of attention, you are working hard for them, and they are reveling in the limelight. This is what they live for.

...you are conversing with a human leech…. When the conversation is over you will feel depleted, spent. They took your juice. It may take hours to recover it….

Compulsive talking is an indication that you are dealing with a neurotically needy person. The reason they speak obsessively is to hold your attention. They are desperate to this end, and fear that if they stop talking, you will lose interest and leave. They rely on your sense of courtesy, on your desire not to appear offensive by interrupting or cutting them off. In fact, they will take advantage of someone who lets them continue unabated.

Needy people will tell you all about their problems. They will spare no details. They don’t care whether you are interested or not. In fact, they are completely insensitive to your feelings or desires. The important thing for them is the juice– your attention. It is like a drug for them.

They are addicted to your attention. ….. When you start to cut off the juice, they get anxious.”

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So this morning in  our home church, I brought up the situation and asked if we could do a little role-playing

I don’t want to be rude, yet I also don’t want to feel trapped.

One of the suggestions was  the next time Donna (or someone like her) pays a visit,  greet them @ the door and establish the amount of time right up front.  You have 20 minutes for a cup of coffee, (or If I don’t  thank her  for stopping, but now is really not a good time.)

For the life of me, I can’t see Jesus siting there for 3 hours  while someone sucked the life out of him emotionally.

So tell me your story.   Are there any “compulsive talkers” in your life?   How do you  handle them?

As always, thanks for stopping by my little corner of the Internet DM

A musing on young apples, “facebook friends,” and Ralph Waldo Emerson

   

     We planted a small apple orchard with 100 semi dwarf  varieties in 2002-2003.  They continue to teach me life lessons.  

      I found out a few years ago,  an apple tree  will  naturally thin out the number of apples it carries in the event the bees do too good a job of pollinating.  About a month after the little apples are formed,  the tree will sometimes  discard a portion of the smaller fruit.

        I deleted  21 Facebook “friends” again  last night.   I say again, because I seem to cycle.  I did the  same thing back in February and before that,  last October.

      I  am not into numbers.  I would rather have 5 people  I hear from than 400 who never communicate.      

       I was telling my wife over coffee this morning about my latest  purge.  

       She asked me ;  “How many of the people you deleted were people who initiated the contact, or  were they  relationships where  I had been the  initiator ?”   

   I thought about that question today and  I would have to say, it was a little of both.

       You and I only have so much time and energy. 

      Significant relationships require both-  Time  and energy.   

     If an apple  tree knows it can only do justice to a finite number of apples in a given year, then  it seems to me that same might apply when it comes  to growing the  relationships in my life.

      I see Facebook as just another tool for me to meet and encourage a limited  number of people. 

      There has always been a certain mystery for  me regarding how friendships are formed.

     Why do  some friendships continue on for years and years , while others are only in my life for a season?

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     Here’s what Ralph Waldo  Emerson  had to say on friendship:

     “Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt likeness and unlikeness, that piques each with the presence of power and of consent in the other party.  Better be a nettle in the side of your friend that his echo.  The condition which high friendship demands is the ability to do without it.  There must be very two before there can be very one.  Let it be an alliance of two large formidable natures, mutually beheld, mutually feared, before they yet recognize the deep identity which beneath these disparities unites them.”

     Sidenote , I’m hoping some of you would be willing to   “translate”  this one for me ?  Thanks! DM

     Emerson again:

 ”My friends have come to me unsought.  The  great God gave them to me…..High thanks I owe you, excellent lovers, who carry out the world for me to new and noble depths, and enlarge the meaning of all my thoughts….

  (I’m also having a hard time understanding this next part as well, so feel free to help me out:

       “Yet the systole and diastole of the heart are not without their analogy in the ebb and flow of love.  Friendship, like the immortality of the soul, is too good to be believed.  In the golden hour of friendship, we are surprised with shades of suspicion and unbelief.  We doubt (suspect) that we bestow on our hero the virtues in which he shines, and afterwards worship the form to which we have ascribed this divine inhabitation….”

     I suspect  within that 19th century English there may also be a nugget of wisdom, hence, me taking the time to include it here.  Well, there you have it, this is where my mind has been the past few days.  

      Thoughts, comments, questions? 

 

The Art of Hustling

Hustle: pressure or urge someone into an action ;  twist somebody’s arm; manipulate so as to persuade someone to adopt a certain position, belief or action. 

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    Bob and Rita boarded a  painted quarter horse with us a few summers ago.  In their mid 60′s,  Rita was 3 inches taller than Bob, wiry, sharp featured, intense.    Bob on the other hand was kind of roly-poly, wire rimmed glasses, very laid back, an interesting pair.  They would come out on the weekends  to work with their horse. 

     Can’t say we had much in common  (I hate horses/ had a run in with a Shetland pony when I was a kid, ) but we would visit on occasion.  That’s why it kind of took me for surprise one Saturday when Bob suggested they would like to get to know us a little more, take us out for dinner some time….”and maybe take a road trip to Nauvoo“

      Me being the simple  guy that I am, played dumb, smelled a rat, so first chance I could, I got on-line and googled “Nauvoo”.  Sure enough, those little rascals    were trying to put the moves on me spiritually. ..they were Mormons and this invite was a veiled attempt do some “friendship evangelism.” 

      Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses,  even certain segments of the Christian community are not above “hustling”.   It smacks of manipulation pure and simple.  Now if you have a genuine interest in me,  you’re willing to accept me  right where I’m at, and if I don’t buy what you’re selling, you’re still willing to accept me, then I’d say you’re not a hustler.  If on the other hand, you come into my life with a fixed agenda,  give me your little schpeel,  I don’t bite,   so you walk away muttering something negative about me..then  you are no different from the snake oil salesman of yesteryear….you don’t really care about me, no matter what you tell yourself.

    I’ve been thinking along these lines because I got a call last week from a couple who have reservations  in our Bed and Breakfast  come  June.  They have a booth at our  county fair selling two health related products.    Having sold a few things myself, I could already feel him working me  over the phone.

       It just so happens that my wife and I had already decided we needed to start eating healthier this past  February.  I got a craving for some cookie dough so I whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. I can still remember standing over my favorite ceramic mixing bowl,  dumping that cup of white sugar into the mix.  In  two and a half  days I ate the whole batch, never made one cookie. I was a sugar junkie  out of control.

      Later that same week  I caught Dr Oz on a PBS special talking about obesity, processed sugars,  blue berries, fad diets….he talked about keeping things simple, slow weight loss is more effective long-term or you end up loosing muscle mass.    the importance of a good breakfast, why you need to snack, why certain foods make you feel full while others don’t.    He said forget your pants size (mine hadn’t changed in 25 years)  instead, run a tape measure around  my  belly button area, that’s  the fat to be concerned about.  I was  shocked.

      So I’m already interested in being more healthy, if  you have some tips you like to share,  great, I’m listening.  (That includes you the blog reader)   I’m  not interested in being part of  your  great business opportunity.

      You’ve heard that old maxim don’t work for friends or relatives….I would add, don’t hustle   friends and relatives….relate to them,no strings attached, you can’t go wrong.  As always, thanks for reading my stuff.  DM

Last Three Months In Pictures

    If a picture’s worth a thousand words, then this post will give me a chance to catch up with some of you    The past 3 months have been some of the busiest  in years. 

      I know how to build “margin” in my life, and it’s slim….Ready?  Here goes…

We played host to a family reunion in July.  Wife’s siblings (she’s one of 7) were all back in town to connect.  I love my wife’s family.   They’re not perfect but they really work at staying involved in each others lives. They are scattered all over the United States.  I took one of my nephews to work one day:

Nephew bonding with Uncle Doug, pouring cement

Late July we hosted concert # 3  in the 2009 Bear River Concert series.  Here’s a picture of  Jesse Martin, Gayla Drake Paul and myself after the show

In 1999 I stayed several days with a family in California while attending a conference.  We’ve kept in touch ever since.  Catherine and her son Jonathan came for a visit. She was originally from the Midwest, came back for a school reunion, wanted Jonathan to connect with some of his roots.  This is a picture of all of us one Sunday morning

Here’s Jonathan seeing what potatoes look like fresh from the garden

Here’s Jonathan petting one of the hens.  I think it’s Joy

In early August, I got a call from someone saying “Let’s do it”  We’d been talking about building him a new 26,000 sq ft warehouse.  Here’s a picture of the first day digging footings.  Once we broke ground, this project  has been a priority .

We had 11 inches of rain the first 2 weeks of this job, our ditches had to be repeatedly pumped out in order to pour the wall and footings.  Here’s one area with 5 feet of water in mud.  Made for some long days

 

  

Dad always said, never ask someone to do something you won’t do yourself (I think many of our government leaders missed that lecture)  Here’s a picture of nephew, son and myself  bucketing mud off the footings.  The mud was too thick for the sump pump so we did it old school.

 

Speaking of school, I started teaching part time in a new community college building.  This is a picture of me in the shop. I teach 2 construction related classes from 12:30 till 2 Monday through Friday.   I love the class, have a great bunch of guys, but it has been brutal in terms of  my schedule.  I go to my first job (building new warehouse) from 7:30 till 11:15 , run home, clean up, head to the school, teach, then go back to the construction site.  In the evenings, most nights I have to work on the lesson plan for the next day.  It has really cut into the time I typically blog.

    In late August, we hosted concert # 4 with GDP 3.  Here’s a view through my video camera. 

Here’s a picture of the cement pump starting to pour the floor in the warehouse.

 

Forgot to mention, we have a bumper crop in the orchard this year, so we’ve started picking apples.  Here’s two little cousins picking apples

 

Here’s a picture of my son with some of the cortlands

   Last week friend and fellow blogger Kristina and family came for a visit.  I think we all made lots of memories.  Here’s a picture of us after we got off the river kayaking. 

Here’s a picture of Kristina in the kitchen cooking w/o meat.  She really is a great cook.   I could get used to having a full time maid

 Applejam (Concert #5) took place over the weekend that Kristina and family was here. They were a great help.  I’m guessing there were at least 120 people here for that.  Here’s a picture of a brother sister duo who were awesome.  He sang a Neil Young song that sounded as good as the original.

Young lady on the right  just finished singing @ Applejam.

     I did get on stage and sing an Alison Kraus song with Kathy, DJ and Lori during Applejam.

I’m going to have to stop there.      Wanted to stay in touch w/ those of you that are regular readers.- later- DM