No More eggshells

   “Check on me in a half hour.” I told my wife this morning.

I planned to knock down 20 feet of rock wall  on  our 130 old barn.

The barn was built in the 1880′s.  I  can  still see broad ax marks  on many of  the supporting beams.

As a builder, I am in awe at the type of workmanship that went into this barn . Last September, I noticed the rock wall on the North side  starting to lean.   I knew if I didn’t do something about the rock wall soon, it was going to collapse.

As I tore into the rock wall , my mind went back to that season in our lives where we lived in a  Christian community.   For 18 months…. even though we had our own apartments, we shared  a common kitchen with two other young families.   Boy was that an experience.

Imagine 3 different households trying to coordinate  meal times, grocery shopping, and  parking.    There were some  intense moments….
(plus some great memories)

   One of the most valuable life  skills that came out of that  season  in my life was learning how to address issues instead of simply ignoring them.  Not only did I learn how to address and work through conflict with  the other people in our building,  we  learned how to work through conflict  in our marriage,  with our children, and on the job.

Our children are now adults.   I can see the fruit of conflict resolution skills  in their lives 20 years later.  They are much quicker to address things in their relationships than most of their peers.

Going back to that barn I was working on this morning, I couldn’t help but see some parallels to that time in our lives….

#1   Sometimes it can  get pretty messy when  I  first  wade into a problem.

#2  The bigger the issue, the more time and energy  I  will probably have  to expend.

#3  When I ignore a problem, it doesn’t mean it will somehow magically fix itself…all I am doing is postponing a bigger problem for  later…

guaranteed

#4  Living life this way (addressing problems instead of ignoring them)   has made my life so much richer…  I prefer relationships based on reality instead of  walking around on egg shells.

Another example….

Several years ago now,  we were attending a church  with a single  man  who had “emotional issues.”

Long story short,  he started wanting to hug my teen age daughters every week.    (Not the older women mind you, just the  young ones).  I approached the pastor and said,  he was making my daughters uncomfortable and someone needed to say something to him privately or I would  do it myself.

The hugging stopped.

One last story…

Healthy conflict resolution skills were NOT taught  or practiced in my family of origin..

They were not part of the family business I grew up in either.

I’ve refused to play along with the passive aggressive mind games and as a result, I am the black sheep.

Well, it’s about time to eat..better wrap this one up….

Thoughts, comments, questions?

As always,  thanks for stopping by the blog!  DM

House meetings

I sat there….amazed.

It was my first house meeting.

I was 29 yrs old.

We  had moved to New Jersey to  enable me to pursue a dream.

Return to college….  take some courses in counseling.

A local church had offered to help us out with housing.

They had an ongoing outreach to various groups…

Vietnamese boat people.

Missionaries on furlough.

Single young people wanting to deepen their relationship with God.

(Yea, he really exists – I talked to him this morning.

Young men trying to reclaim their lives/ just coming off the violent streets of Paterson …

And now…our family.  Recent transplants from the Midwest.

We had two little girls in tow…

And now that we were here, I ( at least)  was expected to participate in the “house meeting”.

I had no idea what to expect.

15 to 20 of us were sitting around  the conference room.

The tone was informal , relaxed yet moved @ a steady clip.

All of us had busy lives and this was not a time to just socialize.

“Was there anything anyone needed to talk about?”

Parking…parking had become an issue.

When Debbie came home from the grocery store with a trunk full of groceries, she  was not able to get anywhere close to the apartment..Wondering if there could be a way to keep that front spot open for those sort of things?

Use of the kitchen…

There were 3 different families sharing 1 commercial kitchen.  We each had our own living quarters, but shared a common kitchen area.  Different meal times,  different menu’s.. all three of our young families had children…

We lived in that setting  for about a year before moving to our own home.

The house meetings were only once a month as I remember them, but made an impact on me that exists to this day.

I experienced first hand the freedom of addressing issues with the people in my life  instead of walking around on egg shells .

I did not see this sort of communication role modeled growing up.

I did begin to implement it in our home from that point on especially as the kids got older.

“Kathy took my good shirt and got it a stain on it….”

“Angie won’t share the remote on the  TV…”

“John  comes into my room all the time without out permission and starts bothering me when I’m trying to get a nap”….

“but she shouldn’t be taking a nap @ that time…”
 

You get the idea…

Once I tasted the freedom of genuine communication, it came to the job site with me.

Not to mention any names, but some of the  people in my work circle, suck when it comes to communication.

They will take things without permission,  promise to be somewhere @ a certain time but have no intention of actually following through…

Give me awkward messages to give to the customer..

Recently my cell phone rang while I was on the job….

“Doug, could you tell so and so we had to pull out but promise to be back in a week?”

my response…”Just a second..you can tell him yourself, he’s standing right here

   Yea, it doesn’t win me any brownie points by  refusing to play by the old rules of no communicating/ or being a door mat  but that’s OK

I would rather tell you the truth up front, I can’t make it when you’re asking me to rather than lie, get my foot in the door and have you upset with me for not showing up.

Mrs DM and I work at keeping this  level of straight forward  communication alive in our relationship….

It is not automatic.

And we don’t do it perfectly I’m sure.

She’s a little slower to bring stuff up…hates conflict even more than I

Over the years, I can’t think of any  volatile subject that hasn’t been  discussed/ some of them multiple times.

Sex, money, parenting.. you know..the stuff every couple has to sort through

We ‘ve probably had the “sex” conversation 50 times in the 30 plus years of marriage.

Sex is  like fire.  It is a gift, but it can also cause a lot damage and pain.

Money.  Money = control.

Really the issue isn’t money.

There are a half a dozen other issues under the surface that are the real issues if you’re having a conflict about money

personal space, trust, greed, fear, materialism, etc.  those are the real issues.

I told someone  yesterday,   we haven’t been able to do things financially for our kids as much as I wished…But from where I sit, all of them prefer to address issues in their personal lives rather than play “let’s pretend”, and to me that is priceless.

Thanks for reading along ! DM

No turning back

         

When  I logged onto Facebook this morning, I found myself scrolling down the friends of a friend…..people we used to attend a local church with.   

        It stirred up this feeling of being on the outside looking in….

        I felt like a little boy standing outside a store window @ Christmas time, with my nose pressed against the glass, watching  people shop.

     If you sense a hint of  bitterness toward that church  (small c) or the people in it, you would be wrong.    I’m not. 

      What I was (and still am) turned off by, is the  spiritual climate, the spiritual apathy,  served  there on a week to week basis…. 

 A.W. Tozer  puts it like this :

      “There is today no lack of Bible teachers to set forth correctly the principles of the doctrines of Christ, but too many  of these seem satisfied to teach the fundamentals of the faith year after year, strangely unaware there is in there ministry no manifest Presence, nor anything unusual in their personal lives.  They minister constantly to believers who feel within their breasts a longing  which their teaching simply does not satisfy.

      I trust I  speak in charity, but the lack in our pulpits is real.  Milton’s terrible sentence applies to our day as accurately as it did to his:  “the hungry sheep look up and are not fed.”  It is a solemn thing, and no small scandal in the  Kingdom, to see God’s children starving while actually seated at the Father’s table….” 

     It all started in 1998 my wife asked me a  few harmless questions (or so I thought)…

     “Where have you felt the most  refreshed spiritually?

     ”Think of the times when you  were most encouraged spiritually?  “

       I remember saying things like…

“At that  lay ministry  weekend retreat back in 1981.”

 ”Not always but on occasion in a small group get together.”

“That “body life service “we used to attend in New Jersey @ Gilgal.”

“Sometimes  AFTER  church when we are hanging around catching up with Leslie, or Lance, or Thomas…..” 

  Then we  tried to identify what was it about those times that made them stand out?

 Having a  genuine sense of connectedness both to people and to God.

 Masks were down.

 people  really listening to where each other was at.

 God’s word was talked about as it practically applied in our current situation.

  Then she asked: “How can we get more of that  in our lives?”

      and the rest is history

At  this point, we are part of a  small house church. 

As much as I miss those people we used to attend church (small c) with, I would never go back.

      I have no idea who might @ some point read this…but just so you know….

      I’ve spent years…literally years  in three  different local churches thinking we  could/ should  ”reform” them  from the inside out.   

      Finally came to the realization  that the pastor and leadership in a  local church casts a long, long shadow spiritually. 

        I only have one life to live…  Do I spend it settling for second best just so I have lots of friends or is there a point where I  ”take the road less traveled”?

     If   you get a chance, pick up a copy of John Fischer’s Dark Horse.

Grace

   Grace:  Unexpected and undeserved act of kindness

   Gilgal Bible Chapel  had decided to throw a going away party for our family the day before we were to move back to Iowa .   We’d spent five years of our lives, sinking our roots into the people and town of West Milford New Jersey.  We’d moved there so I could attend some classes in marriage and family counseling.  The schooling was only part time, so I’d got a job with Mark one of the men in the church who had a house framing business.  I loved it.

       Thuc (pronounced took) Mark, Vito, Paul, Charlie  and I worked side by side, in some cases 6 days a week…I was going to miss these people.  It was time to move and this was our going away party.  The 28 ft Ryder truck was loaded with all of our  2nd hand furniture, and this was our going away party.There were skits, people  sharing memories of our 5 years with them, food.

      My friend John called me up front to present  me with an envelope- a gift of money-  ”a little something” to help  as we relocated back to the Midwest.    I didn’t open it, thinking it might appear a little tacky-  I just said “Thank you.”

    side note-  This was a small church, mostly blue collar types… on a good Sunday, there would be between  60 and 80 people in attendance.

    Anyway, John, obviously knew what was in the envelope and thought I should open it…”psss, Doug, I really think you should open it now“…….

      I opened the envelop to discover a check for $4,000.00.  I was speechless.  A few years before, I’d seen the church send off another young family, and they’d given them a used car, maybe valued at $1,500- $2,000.00…and they as  a family were going to pastor a church somewhere…me..I was just a carpenter and his family heading back to Iowa.

       This was not the first time I’d experienced an unexpected, take your breath away gift of love….and it wasn’t the last time. 

     It happened again two weeks ago….are you still with me?   Still reading along?

       Long story short, we own a small apple orchard, it’s just now beginning to produce some beautiful apples :

Close up of the 2009  Honeycrisp crop

 

Closeup of the 2009 Gingergold apple crop

      2 years ago, someone gave us a walk in cooler (without the refrigeration unit).   I’ve been looking into what it would take to get the thing up and running…commercial compressors are not cheap.    As I have done some reading on the Internet , I came across a little electronic gizmo that attaches to a household air conditioner…it’s called a Coolbot- or a fraction of the cost.  Well,  about two weeks ago, someone out of the blue sent me an e-mail asking about the orchard, the status of the cooler, etc.  I told them it wasn’t going to happen this year…just didn’t have the money.  They wrote back, offering to help with funding, because they felt a spiritual nudge (prompting) to do so…and the rest is history:

closeup of the cool bot control

picture of the electrician hooking up the sub-panel

    picture of the ginger-gold apples I picked last night and put in the cooler.

A  friend and  electrician offered to help me hook up the wiring to the cooler.  He was able to pick up  175 foot of #6 UF wire for us at a contractor’s supply store..  This is the type of wire you can bury in the ground long term…it is not cheap.  When I asked him for the invoice he simply said, it was on him (as well as his time hooking things up)…so that made two people who felt prompted to help us out with the cooler this Summer…everything was up and running virtually to the day I needed it in order to refrigerate the first variety of apples.

       I as a person, I enjoy extending unexpected  kindness to others…to be on the receiving end is a little trickier     How many times do you hear people say, “I love to give -but have a hard time receiving…”

    To you I would simply say, get over it.   When you allow someone else to extend grace to you, you  bring them joy.

Thoughts, comments, questions?  As always, thanks for reading my stuff.  DM

Permission to fail

“You create your opportunities by asking for them.”

                                                        Shakti  Gawain

     “Gardening is like cooking:  Read the recipe and then use your head.”   A dash of skepticism can do no harm.  Go lightly on caution, heavily on adventure, and see what comes out.  If you make a mistake, what of it?  That is one way to learn and tomorrow is another day.” 

                                                                                    Ruth Stout

____________________________________________________

      I enjoy learning new things.    It   adds a richness and adventure to my life.   When I’m wading into an uncharted area , it feels akin to learning to fly.   I know there’s a chance I may hit the dirt- hard- ,but  if I ask a lot of questions, keep a humble attitude,  do my best, then I’m OK w/what happens next.  Better that than always playing it safe and living a shallow fear-filled life. 

     But then again, that’s  JMHO .

        Looking back, I can point to two men who  helped cultivate this attitude in my life.   Both of them are named John- One is my uncle Johnny, the second is John Fea.

       I worked for my Uncle John   the first 9 years out of high school.   I was probably  18  when Uncle Johnny  came up to me one morning @ the shop with a set of blueprints- 

     “Here Junior, look these over, and see if you have any questions-  if not, then I want you to take a couple of guys with you and get started.” 

         I’d been working for them since I was 14 so it wasn’t something I hadn’t been around ,  yet, this was the first time he was giving me 100% responsibility to stake out the foundation  and pour the footings for a new project. 

      Wow-  what if  I forgot something important???? 

    There was a “little discussion”  @ that point between Johnny and  the other owner of the company  on whether I was ready-  I remember Johnny saying, “Ah, he’ll be fine, even if he does make a mistake, how else are you going to learn?”   

      Then around 1988, I was working on a  basement remodel  as a crew foreman for Mark G.    Our crew was doing a project for another contractor- John Fea.      There was a small Formica counter-top that needed to be custom built for the bar area.  I’d never worked with Formica before, but this seemed like the perfect size to learn on.  I asked John Fea if I could bid on making the counter top-  “Sure, why not”  he said.  When Mark (my boss) heard about it, he came over and the three of us discussed whether or not it was wise to put me in charge of something John would have to stand behind. 

     John looked at Mark, and me, and basically said the same thing my uncle Johnny had said so many years before… ““Ah, he’ll be fine, even if he does make a mistake, how else are you going to learn?  I can always get some more Formica if he messes up.”

     

 photo of John  Fea  and his wife Joan 

     The attitude I’m talking about is a “transferable concept.” – both  for the  learner, and the person in charge, on the job as well as in your home. 

 Are you a hard #@* with those around you?  Do people walk on egg shells  when they’re with you, or do they have the freedom to occassionally fail?   If so,  maybe you need to take a pill and relax.

Sorry for  little outburst- it just came out of nowhere     as always, thanks for reading my “stuff”  DM

The Best $45.00 I Ever Spent

   

       September of 1990 I attended a workshop sponsored by Kirkwood community college on assertive communication.  The cost  was $45.00.  There were probably 12 to 14 people in the group all totaled- two men and the rest women.   We covered something they called the “Assertiveness Bill of Rights.”, we role played, we laughed.  It was a fun workshop. I re-cooped  the $45.00 investment  within  in two weeks of taking that class.   Over the next few  years,  I could directly attribute several thousand  additional  dollars to what I learned.   The payback is not just in dollars  , it can also be measured in healthier relationships, increased self respect and  less stress.    

      Quick story. 

     We lived in New Jersey from 1985 till  July of 1990.  The month before we moved back to Iowa, I did a small carpentry project for Mary.    The bill was $65.00, $40.00 in special ordered trim from Andersen Windows and $25.00 of labor.  Mary  knew I was moving, I’d asked her if I could get a check before we left the state, but it never came.  A month after we moved back to  Iowa,  I attended that assertiveness workshop and  decided, I was going to collect on that $65.00- didn’t matter I   was now  1000 miles from her.  I sent her another  invoice for $65.00 with a note.   I thanked her for the work, gave her my new mailing address ,  stated that payment was due within 10 days- after that, I would charge her 18% interest on the unpaid balance.   I got a check within a week.

     Some of you reading this know me personally.    Growing up, I was shy, a people pleas-er, battled low self esteem, and had a hard time telling anyone “No.”   If you’ve never struggled with these sorts of things,  you have no  idea of the inner poverty that rules your life.   I know from reading, depression is often times connected to a person’s inability to express what they’re really thinking.  Instead of speaking up, you internalize the frustration, which then ferments into depression, and other things like  ulcers, certain cancers , headaches, and who knows what else.

    Here is a copy of the Assertiveness Bill of Rights…I found a copy of them on line:

Assertiveness Bill Of Rights

1. I have the right to be the ultimate judge of my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon myself.
2. I have the right to offer no reasons or excuses to justify my behavior.
3. I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes – and to be responsible for them.
6. I have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
7. I have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
8. I have the right to make decisions without using logic.
9. I have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”
10. I have the right to say, “I don’t care.”

_________________________________________________

 Now you don’t have to buy into all of those “rights”   I’m not sure I do, I do exercise  # 2 and # 4 all the time- especially the one about having the right to change my mind..I do it all the time- just to stay in shape. 

       My heart goes out to those of you that do have a hard time speaking up for yourself.  I am here to tell you, you can do it, it is possible to be gracious and assertiveness…. these are learned skills anyone can acquire.

    One last thing we covered-

Assertiveness is not the same as aggressiveness.

Assertiveness: 

A form of behavior that is directed toward claiming one’s rights without denying the rights of others.

Aggressiveness:    ready to attack or oppose; quarrelsome

Margin

      To live with margin  means …”to live in a rhythm that includes periods of productivity and periods of restoration and refreshment.  Not to live with margin means you’re denying your God-given design to get regular rest.” 

                       Discipleship Journal May/June 2009

     I framed houses in the early 1990′s with  Tom.  Tom would work 7 days a week, week after week.  I got a phone call on a Monday morning :   “Doug, could you come over and talk with Tom.”  It was his wife.

      When I got there,  Tom was sitting on the couch in a dark mood.     I found out later, this was not the first time this had happened.    They told me, he just needed a break.   Tom didn’t know how to pace himself,   his mind and body would   overheat like the circuit breaker on an electrical panel.   He’d take a week off,  recover and start the craziness all over again.     

      I (DM)  grew up on  120  acre dairy farm, milked 18 Holstein dairy cows, twice a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.   I am also a  first born.     I got married, had two daughters, went  back to school in 1985.  Had two more kids.   Working part time, going to school part time.     My boss was also the high  school youth group leader of our church.  

      “Doug, I think you would make a great  high school leader.“   It was a 2 evening a week commitment- minimum. I joined.

     Our  church was also helping us with housing. They had regular Saturday work days. I felt obligated to do that too.

     Did I mention, I was also a hard core people pleas-er?     I had such a strong craving for people’s approval, I rarely said “NO” except  to my wife.  

        In 1988   I hit the wall emotionally.  Here’ the very  picture  I posted in front of my desk .  It was to remind me business is not the same as progress.   You can be busy going nowhere….fast

 

     I  longed for a more balanced life.  A life with margin, some down time.   I stepped out of every commitment, everything- I was forced to  look  my boss in the eye and say , “I have to drop out of the youth group, and  Saturday work days…and…etc. etc. “   it was either do that or  watch my family unravel.

     As I attempted  to find margin and balance in my life,  I felt like the captain of a large oil tanker, trying to point my ship in a new direction.  

Flash forward 20 years…

       I’m still busy-  there is still a “people pleasing bent in my life, but it does not control me.  My life has margin.  I have to think long and hard before I  add another “good thing”  to  my life. 

       If I were a young mom, (I’m thinking of my daughter Angie @ this point) I think it would  be  100 times  harder to carve out this thing called “margin” so I’m interested in hearing from those of you that are mothers…what would you say to  tired  young mothers ?   What are some practical ways young mom’s can build  margin into their lives… is it possible?

Why You Don’t Want To Imitate Jesus

Disclaimer- This  is an “in house” memo.   If you’re not a believer, you’re probably better off not reading this one.  DM

 

       

Photos from my journal 1988

 

    I can still remember when it happened.  We were living @ 1561 Green Wood Lake Turnpike, about 5 minutes East of West Milford New Jersey.  I was miserable. (see photo above)   We were broke, 1000 miles from family pursueing schooling so I could be a marriage and family counselor, 4 kids, living check to check, way too busy with “church” activities.and I read this Scripture:

    “Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.”  It was talking about what is supposed to happen in the lives of a believer.  Literally, God himself should be flowing out of my life like a river.  What would that look like?   Well, I thought, rivers of joy, peace, love, compassion, confidence,  The qualities I imagined Jesus would have evidenced.

     I read that and thought to myself, “Now that is a joke.”  at best, there is tiny trickle maybe…but a river…Nada

     It was at that point I said to God,   “It says there are supposed to be rivers of living water flowing from my life and I barely see a trickle.I give up.”  Show me what that looks like.”

     I dropped out of all my “church” responsibilities, decided I was going to focus on being a better dad and husband…I knew it might tick off some of those in leadership, but frankly I didn’t care.  When you’re a people pleaser and you finally say enough is enough- what a rush.

     Over  the next several weeks, something  started happening.  I remember having this mirthful grin.  I felt like I was in on a secret- just between God and I.  My friend John Reilly commented to me weeks later…”Doug, there’s something different about you, I  not sure what it is.  “  

      I  did. 

       I went from trying to imitate Jesus to experiencing him live through me.  I kid you not…there is a night and day difference between me trying to  “imitate” Jesus and him living through me.    I know that might sound a little abstract and mystical.  I can’t help it.  I would be willing to bet, I’m not the first person who has made the same mistake. 

      That would have been in the Fall of 1989.  When I’m doing well spiritually I feel like Michael Jordan on the basketball court in his prime.  It just flows.  When I’m not, I can also feel it.  That sense of connection with God lasted for months, long enough for me to recognize when it’s not there now.  It’s not a one time thing.  It really is a day by day thing for me. 

     I know that  if  I cop an attitude with my wife,   it directly affects that connections. 

     It really has nothing to do with going to some building on Sunday.  If you are spiritually healthy, then you will long to connect with your spiritual siblings, somewhere.  It has nothing to do with giving a certain percentage of your money somewhere…if you’re spiritually healthy, you want to help others.  It has nothing to do with saying certain “prayers” at certain times.    Your conversation with the divine  will have an ebb and flow to it, just like you have with anyone you care for.   Its not something you have to legislate. 

Thoughts, comments, questions?

How To: Handle Constructive Feedback

     “Mom!  What do you think of my picture?”  My friend leaned over, took a long look @ her daughter’s picture and said, ” Well, Honey, it’s not your best work, but I think it’s very nice.” 

      Without batting an eye, the little girl tilted her head, looked up at her mom and said, “You know what, Mom?  I think so too, but I do like it.”

     To that, my friend smiled and said, “Yes honey, I like it, too.  I really do.”

      That little conversation had a big effect on me.  I was a young mom then and thoroughly intrigued by the way my friend matter-of-factly told the truth to her child.

      I could’t help but think of a young man I knew during my college years.  He was a charming, gifted individual.  If anyone had the goods to accomplish great things, he did.  Yet never had I met such a self conscious, insecure person.  We became fast friends, and so I finally asked him:  “How is it you can be so gifted and talented yet so unsure of yourself?”

     His answer shocked me.

      ” I came from a great family….My mom loved me and I knew it.  But according to her, I could do no wrong.  She praised every single thing I did.  And if I messed up, she helped me find some way to explain why it really wasn’t my fault.  I went through my school years thinking I was always right.

      As you can imagine, I was not at all prepared for what was waiting for me in the real world.  Out there, people don’t sing your praises every single moment.  Your professors couldn’t care less if you have five good excuses for not doing what they asked.  I’ve encountered more conflict and more disappointment than I know what to do with.  It’s as though I’ve lost my footing.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

     ….In a generation of finger- pointers and fault finders, we desperately need a generation of teachable kids.

      My sons are now adults, and our middle son recently said to me, ” By teaching me that correction is a positive thing, you have helped me become a better friend, employee, student.  When those in authority over me correct me, it doesn’t occur to me to take it personally because I know who I am.”

     We do our kids a great disservice when we constantly coddle them.  On the other hand, we give our sons and daughters a valuable gift when we lovingly equip them to handle correction and redirection.   Those kids will be tomorrow’s leaders.”

      From October 2008 Focus On The Family magazine

     _________________________________________________________________________________

     I (DM) read this article this morning and it spoke to my heart.  I occasionally battle conflicting thoughts regarding what I write.  Is it any good,  does it suck, or is it  some where in between?   If it is somewhere “in between”  what would you suggest to take it to the next level?  

     When I lived in New Jersey I  was part of a discipleship group where we would  have an activity called “Strengths and weaknesses” , where  one person got the chance to have honest, loving feedback into their lives.  I loved it, couldn’t wait to have my turn.

            So my dear reader, how about you?  Can people who care about you give you your medicine straight or do they have to handle you  with kid gloves? 

  Recently another blogger asked me to be his accountability partner.   I thought to myself, “I don’t know about this.  I’ve done that sort of thing before and the person ended up turning on me.”   It wasn’t too many days later when I had to ask my new accountability friend about something he’d written- he responded beautifully.  It takes humility to listen to feedback, but the rewards are great.  If I am convinced you have  my best interest in mind, your  feedback in my life is a gift.

Christmas Eve With Sid And Marie

     It was Christmas Eve 1986.  1000 miles from home with 3 young children.  I’ll never forget the kindness of Sid and Marie, an older couple in our church that invited us to spend the evening with them…just like we were part of their family. 

(side note : It was experiences like this that gave me a whole new appreciation for hospitality and being sensitive to opportunities to reach out)

     After supper (before we played a mean game of “spoons”), Sid asked me to follow him into the living room.  He took me over to a book case and pointed at several three ring binders.  “Do you know what those are?  You need one….probably several.” 

     I looked at him with a blank “duu” look on my face. 

      He continued:  “With your abilities and gifts, you need to be your own boss.  Not as a sole proprietor,  but as a corporation.”

      To be honest, , he could have been talking Chinese.   I didn’t understand  what he was talking about,  it all seemed so complicated and beyond me.   but a seed had been planted.

     Flash forward to a weekend workshop with Lowell Lundstrom….he said:

      There are only so many hours in the day, and if you get paid by the hour (even if it’s $150 an hour) there is a limit to what you can earn, where as if you use your mind, there is no limit to what you can earn. 

        Another seed was planted

(foot note: at the time I was making $8.00 per hour  it’s not about the money- I have a very detached attitude about $ and I’m not chasing the almighty dollar.)

     This morning I  read this post  by Sanity Found – it triggered a memory of my conversation with Sid.  As I sit here this morning, both of those conversations have born fruit in my life. 

     As I told Sanity Found this morning,  while I completely understand the importance of higher education  and  needing those various pieces of paper behind your name in order to get a job in some circles, there are other options.   (I’m not looking for comments on the pro’s and con’s of higher education..read the link above for an in depth discussion of that topic and comment there if you want)

      Some of you reading this understand corporations better than I do so feel free to jump in or correct me.   We do have a corporation- it owns an apple orchard, a bed and breakfast, has published 2 books, and overseas a construction company.   It owns a riding lawn mower that I (as the president of the corporation) use to mow the property.  The corporation has an office in the same building as our bed and breakfast. (Our home)  That means a percentage of the utilities, taxes  insurance and Internet expenses  are tax deduct able.  There’s lots more I could tell you about, but I think you get the idea. 

 ”Work smarter, not harder.”