I’ve sometimes secretly wondered…..

I’ve sometimes secretly wondered if there wasn’t something a little “weird” in our marriage.

(Not to worry…I told my wife this on Thursday) ….after reading the following article.

Here’s what weird:  we’re coming up on 32 years of marriage  this April and we  still experience  lots of romantic feelings for each other.

  I am not lying. 

 The “sizzle” is still there.

Not going to get all TMI  on you here.

But after reading this recent column by Andree Seu  I felt a lot better…

(I’ve reposted it below)

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Superlative Song

Scripture has a powerful response for those who think God dislikes romance

The  Song of Songs stands through the centuries, as an immovable testimony of God’s intention for man and woman.  It is a rebuke to our tiny loves, a constant goad to our lackluster marriages.  It calls drifting and depleted couples back to the Creator’s ideal: Do not settle for less than joy.  It is far from a manual, and yet in its poetry it shows how the secrets of connubial bliss are found in the readily available commodities of openness, verbal affirmations, playfulness, occasional getaways, committed oneness, and working through trials.

      We thought we had made too much of love when we had made too little of it.  We thought our songs too charged with passion when they had fallen short.  Our honeymoons are a mere two weeks when God had suggested a year:  “When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty.  He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife who he has taken.”  Deut. 24:5

     The ancients, embarrassed by the Song, stripped it clean of scents and touches.  It is no shabby proof of divine inspiration that when the smoke cleared on the canon in the mid-third century, the Song was still there.  Cyril of Alexandria (376-444) made the two breasts of the Shulamite the Old and New Testaments.  The bearded ones were right that the Song is about Christ, but it is about Christ via the erotic love of husband and wife (“This mystery is profound”- Ephesians 5:32)

Painting by Domenico Morelli depicting the Song of Songs

     For some of us, the Song is not only helpful but essential.  It gives permission to be as in love as you want to be.   It destroys the notion that God grants romance as a concession but holds His nose.  It debunks the notion of love sickness as a brief biological agitation for the prosaic purpose of perpetuation of the species.  If your marriage passes from intoxication into humdrum cohabitation, it is not God’s idea.  Put away from you the fatalists who say, “Romance is a flame that dies but companionship is its consolation. ”  Put away those who believe that “letting yourself go” after the ring is on is normal.  Not from heaven does such counsel come.  “At your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” (Psalm 16:11)

      The Shulamite brings warning:  ”I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem….that you do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. ”  (vs2:7, 3:5, 5:8 8:4)  She is so very much in love with this man that she doesn’t want her friends to forfeit this experience by forcing love prematurely, by taking matters into their own hands.  (also note the emotional price tag for love- 3:1-5; 5:2-8.)

     The “daughters of Jerusalem” are cheerleaders, for our sakes.  This love affair enjoys the approval of objective onlookers and is not some tawdry tryst that must keep a nervous lookout for men and from the light.

      Tend your marriage, even if you think it is too late.  There is wonder-working healing in a touch, a look, a word, an unexpected embrace.  Nor is it artificial to work on love.  C. S. Lewis reminds us that a garden is no less beautiful for needing to be weeded and fussed with (The Four Loves)

      “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards.”  (2:15)   What are the little foxes but our inconsiderateness, laziness, resistance, hard-heartedness, and above all unbelief?  Believe in love, for love is of God.  Everything in the universe is arrayed on its side.

     The world has had many songs since the world began, but this one is the Song of Songs.  The Hebrew construction in the superscript indicates the superlative.  Tell me what is more superlative , if you know.  Whatever you propose, the daughters of Jerusalem will spurn it and will say:  “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave.  Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord.  Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.  If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.” (8:6-7)

Andree Seu February 26, 2011 World Magazine

Losing My Religion

 

     I got a call last week from a friend- her  son had taken  a World Religion class last year  and no longer believes in God.   Our conversation took me  back to a time when something similiar happened to me- for a spell.

      I grew up Protestant, fell in love with a pretty young Catholic,  decided I’d convert which ment I  had to attend a series of classes- which stirred up a bee’s nest of questions.  For the first time in my life I found myself genuinely  wrestling with questions of faith, religion, spirituality, absolute truth.  

Who is right?  Who can I go to with my questions?   The Catholic priest  thinks  he is right,  my former Protestant minister  thinks  he is right…everyone’s  biased.  Then try to  make any sense out of all the denominations just within the Christian faith.  -   there are over 400 different Baptist denominations alone-not to mention, Pentecostals, Congregationalists, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Fundamentalists, Nazarenes, and  non-denominational, plus  all of the world religions that claim to have a corner on the truth….then you have your sincere atheists, Agnostics, and New Agers…have I missed anyone ?

  yep, what an emotional  roller coaster ride that was.

I went through a time of intense questioning- It felt like I was in the midst of a spiritual  earthquake-  the very foundations of  my life were  shaken – hard.

   I  told my friend to get herself a copy of Lee Strobel’s book-

A case For Faith  

 As a former atheist, Strobel understands the rational resistance to faith. He even names the eight most convincing arguments against Christian faith.  Here is a partial list of issues he tackles:

1) If there’s a loving God, why does this pain-wracked world groan under so much suffering and evil?
2) If the miracles of God contradict science, then how can any rational person believe that they’re true?
3) If God is morally pure, how can he sanction the slaughter of innocent children as the Old Testament says he did?
4) If God cares about the people he created, how could he consign so many of them to an eternity of torture in hell just because they didn’t believe the right things about him?
5) If Jesus is the only way to heaven, then what about the millions of people who have never heard of him?
6) If God really created the universe, why does the evidence of science compel so many to conclude that the unguided process of evolution accounts for life?
7) If God is the ultimate overseer of the church, why has it been rife with hypocrisy and brutality throughout the ages?
8) If I’m still plagued by doubts, then is it still possible to be a Christian?

       My conversation with my friend didn’t get this far but the second thing I would suggest is look at the personal life  of  any person telling  others how to live and think-  They are a walking billboard for what they really believe.

My Next Guest Blogger-Michael

 Welcome back!  (DM here)  My guest blogger series is winding down.  If you’re reading this and would like to be a guest-  please leave me a comment on the blog, I would love to talk to you more about it.  I promise to get back to you .   Alright,  today’s guest is non other than Michael- mssc54.   I’ve appreciated getting to know him the past few months.  One thing I will tell you, is both he and his wife have a big heart for hurting children.  At this point, Michael comes to the podium and begins. 

 Here’s a picture of Michael with the whole clan:

I was born second in the birth order of six children to Catholic, Cajun parents.  Each of the first four children were born within eleven months of the previous sibling’s birth.  The final two were spaced out a bit (no pun intended).  My brother didn’t come along until I was thirteen years old.  My dad was the proverbial traveling salesman (in every since of the term).

 

So basically, I felt like I was being brought up in a girl’s dormitory.  I mean we had a ranch style four bedroom one and a half bath house.  If I allow myself I can still see all those panty hose and bras hanging from the shower rod and various hanging apparatuses in the bathroom.

 

I went into the Navy when I was seventeen years old.  After a nine month cruse around the Mediterranean Sea with five thousand of my closest  friends I met my Mrs. serving up ice cream at the local Dairy Queen in Jacksonville, FL.  She was sixteen when we met in December of 1973.  She turned seventeen the following March and we married in May.  I was nineteen.  We both had a lot of growing up to do.  Admittedly, she was ahead of me in every area of life.  I was just a young, immature sailor and she was a young, beautiful, vivacious, energetic, beautiful, vivacious girl.  NO mom she wasn’t pregnant.

 

Those early years of marriage were both scary, fun and full of everything you can imagine about teenagers being married in Florida.  Use your imagination.

 

Just a few months after we were married her father (who was also in the Navy) was transferred to San Diego.  I often wonder what the heck they were thinking letting their nearly sixteen year old daughter get married?!  Not on my watch mister!!

 

After I was seriously injured playing softball for the Navy (no kidding) we ended up (ironically) for follow-up treatment in the same home town that she had grown up in and that her father/family had been transferred back to.  Bonus… for her.  Her family also was Catholic with four girls and two boys.  Interesting coincidence.

 

I got out of the Navy after seven years that seemed like twenty.  The Mrs. had been working in the fast food industry so I just collected unemployment for a few months before taking advantage of my ten bonus points for being a Veteran and went to work for the government.

 

It might be pertinent to admit that while I was in the Navy I developed an absolute love of alcohol and drugs.  Mostly real good pot.  I kept a steady muggle head because of the amount of herb I smoked.

 

After six years of marriage we had our first daughter.  I didn’t see any reason to stop doing drugs when the Mrs. got pregnant.  After all (I reasoned) I wasn’t the one who was pregnant.  My drug and alcohol life style really began taking a toll on our life.  I just couldn’t see what the big deal was.  I mean I was working every day.  I was selling more pot than I was smoking and making good money at it too!  So what was the big deal.  However, I wanted to be a good daddy to my little girl so I would NEVER get high in front of her.  I would always go over to Greg’s house to catch a buzz.  One day I hollered to the Mrs. “I’m gunna go over to Greg’s.  I’ll be back later.”  Now here was the absolute defining moment of me even considering that maybe… just maybe  I had a drug and alcohol problem.  When I hollered to my Mrs. that I was going over to Greg’s my little four year old daughter stood in front of the door, cocked her little hip to one side, put her little hand on her hip, looked me in the eye and said, “Daddy, I thought you said you were going to stop doing that?”  My little girl could see clearly that I was the problem and not the world!

 

Not long after that I entered an in patient drug and alcohol treatment facility the VA had available.  That was in March of 1984 and I’ve been clean/sober since then.

 

You know, (in my mind’s eye) I can still see my little girl standing in front of me and that door.  Thank God for little girls!

 

By now my Mrs. entered a program at the Navy Ship Yard to become the top of her class (for women) to become a Nuclear Shipfitter.  Heck she had her picture on the front cover of the Base paper and everything.  Most guys didn’t like women coming into their turf.  She loved her work and would even “unwrap” the nuclear reactors in the submarines when they would come back from patrol.  Unwrapping a reactor means they would have to remove layers of lead sheets from around the reactor.  When talk of all the base closings began she started going to school at night and on weekends to get her degree to become a teacher.  By that time we had all three daughters.  Me and the girls became quite close.  We would do everything together and would even go half way across the country to visit relatives while mom stayed back home to take care of her schooling.

 

Somewhere along in there I quite the government work and bought an international carpet cleaning franchise.  We enjoyed the money, the people and most of all the flexibility.  The trick is to not let the work become your life and still make enough money to provide for the family.  It’s not always easy and at times can be quite difficult.  (Right DM?)

 

However, just because I had stopped doing the drugs, drinking and owned my own business doesn’t mean that I was a good husband.  In fact I was quite a jerk a lot of the time.  But I was a good daddy (I rationalized).  Jerk.

 

I ended up getting myself into such a life altering situation that it is (to this day) difficult for me to imagine the pain and embarrassment I put my wife and girls through.  I’m not going to go into the nasty details but it was right were I had to be in order to finally totally surrender my will to His will.

 

I can’t remember the number of times I made that Monty Hall – Let’s Make a Deal thing with God.  Oh God, if You will just get me out of this mess I promise I will…

 

Finally I was ready to make real change.  I remember the exact moment I accepted Jesus into my heart.  The man who lead me to the Lord told me at that moment that he had never felt the power of the Lord so strong.  He felt like Satan had lost a general in his army.  Wow!  Fortunately I had enough of my addictive personality left in me that I was all out for the Lord.  As I sit here now I can remember that complete and total sense of peace that swept over me that moment.  Don’t get me wrong, I was still in deep trouble but it didn’t bother me in the least.  I was consumed with reading and studying my bible.  I was like a dry sponge that was dropped into a pale of water.  That is when my gift of intercessory prayer was exposed.  I used to have a three ringed binder with names of people and the specific things to pray for/about for each individual/family.  I guess after about six months or so the Lord saw that I was serious about Him this time and all the trouble I had (wrongly) been accused of went away.

 

During this time me, the Mrs. and our three young daughters got involved in a non-denominational church.  Each one of us eventually got involved in the children’s ministry.  As a matter of fact for about three years we would go to the nine o’clock service and then work in the infant’s nursery during the eleven o’clock service.  This church had about two thousand members.  I remember one Easter Sunday we had TWENTY-THREE INFANTS!!  We all developed a special place in our hearts for infants.

 

Which is exactly why we got a call from our church over six years ago.  Since my Mrs. was out of school for the summer would we consider helping out this dad who was raising a four month old infant on his own.  So we would go over at six fifteen in the morning, pick the baby up and bring her home in the evening about the same time.  Some times we would keep her over night and on the weekends.

 

We all (me. the Mrs. and our three bio-daughters) had no idea that that summer would lay the ground work for us adopting that four month old little girl when she was four… along with her two year old brother.

 

There is so much more but you have to visit my blog for more.  I’ve imposed on DM’s generosity enough for now.

 

Thanks DM for considering me as a guest.

Here are some additiona photo’s Michael sent in:

Suffering Without Pat Answers

    

     As my wife and I (DM) were having coffee this morning  I read the following introduction to the book of Job from The Message to her.   It echoes something I said to her this past weekend- 

       “When I am going through a hard time, I am NOT interested in listening to  the pat answers of  some fool  talking theory-   I want to hear from someone who has actually gone through it and come out the other side.” 

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     Job suffered.  His name is synonymous with suffering.  He asked,”Why?”  He asked, “Why me?”  And he put his questions to God.  He asked his questions persistently, passionately, and eloquently.  He refused to take silence for an answer.  He refused to take cliches for an answer.  He refused to let God off the hook.

     Job did not take his suffering quietly or piously….It is not only because Job suffered that he is important to us.  It is because he suffered in the same ways that we suffer-  in the vital areas of family, personal health, and material things.  Job is also important to us because he searchingly questioned and boldly protested his suffering.  Indeed, he went “to the top” with his questions.

      It is not suffering as such that troubles us.  It is undeserved suffering. 

      Almost all of us in our years growing up have the experience of disobeying our parents and getting punished for it.  When that discipline was connected with wrongdoing, it had a certain sense of justice to it:  When we do wrong, we get punished.

     One of the surprises as we get older, however, is that we come to see that there is no real correlation between the amount of wrong we commit and the amount of pain we experience.  An even larger surprise is that very often there is something quite the opposite:  We do right and get knocked down.  We do the best we are capable of doing, and just as we are reaching out to receive our reward we are hit from the blind side and sent reeling.

     This is the suffering  that first bewilders and then outrages us.  This is the kind of suffering that bewildered and outraged Job, for Job was doing everything right when suddenly everything went wrong.  And it is this kind of suffering to which Job gives voice when he protests to God.

      Job gives voice to his sufferings so well, so accurately and honestly, that anyone who has ever suffered- which includes every last one of us- can recognize his or her personal pain in the voice of Job.  Job says boldly what some of us are too timid to say.  He makes poetry out of what in many of us is only a tangle of confused whimpers.  He shouts out to God what a lot of us mutter behind our sleeves.  He refuses to accept the role of a defeated victim.

     It is also important to note what Job does not do, lest we expect something from him that he does not intend.  Job does not curse God as his wife suggests he should do….but neither does Job explainsuffering.  He does not instruct us how to live so that we can avoid suffering.  Suffering is a mystery, and Job comes to respect the mystery.

    But there is more to the book of Job than Job.  There are Job’s friends.  The moment we find ourselves in trouble of any kind- sick in the hospital, bereaved by a friend’s death, dismissed from a job or relationship, depressed or bewildered- people start showing up to tell us exactly what is wrong with us and what we must do to get better.  Sufferers attract fixers the way road kills attract vultures.  At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility with answers.  They know so much!  How did they get to be such experts in living?

      More often than not, these people use the Word of God frequently and loosely.  They are full of spiritual diagnosis and prescription.  It all sounds so hopeful.  But then we begin to wonder, “Why  is it that for all their apparent compassion we feel worse instead of better after they’ve said their piece?”

      The book of Job is not only a witness to the dignity of suffering and God’s presence in our suffering but is also our primary biblical protest against religion that has been reduced to explanations or “answers.”  Many of the answers that Job’s so-called friends give him are technically true.  But it is the “technical” part that ruins them.  They are answers without personal relationship, intellect without intimacy.  The answers are slapped onto Job’s ravaged life like labels on a specimen bottle….

      In every generation there are men and women who pretend to be able to instruct us in a way of life that guarantees that we will be “healthy, wealthy, and wise.”  According to the propaganda of these people, anyone who lives intelligently and morally is exempt from suffering.  From their point of view, it is lucky for us that they are now at hand to provide the intelligent and moral answers we need.

     On behalf of all of us who have been misled by the platitudes of the nice people who show up to tell us everything is going to be just all right if we simply think such-and-such and do such- and – such, Job issues an anguished rejoinder.  He rejects the kind of advice and teaching that has God all figured out, that provides glib explanations for every circumstance.  Job’s honest defiance continues to be the best defense against the cliches of positive thinkers and the prattle of religious small talk…..

     In our compassion, we don’t like to see people suffer.  And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering.  No doubt that is a good impulse.  But if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering, we should be careful not to be like Job’s friends, not to do our “helping” with the presumption that we can fix things, get rid of them or make them “better.”  We may look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better- behaved children, better mental and emotional health.  But when we rush in to fix suffering, we need to keep in mind several things.

       First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don’t really understand the full nature of our friends’ problems.  Second, our friends may not want our advice.  Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more.  When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.

     So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering- which we simply won’t be very successful at anyway- perhaps we should begin entering the suffering, participating insofar as we are able…. In other words, we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and – if they will let us- join them in protest and prayer.  Pity can be nearsighted and condescending; shared suffering can be dignifying and life- changing…..

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      I (DM)  have a friend who puts me in mind of Job.  16 years ago he became disabled , he was a guard in a maximum security prison  in upstate New York,  got caught in a prison riot.   4 years ago his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, two mastectomies, and several complications later, she is still in treatment.  He battles chronic depression.    When we are together, he does a lot of talking- I mostly just listen, but will occasionally, rant with him-  I have never given him to the best of my knowledge a “pat” answer.  I  have been known to tease him- quite regularly actually.    He tells me I am a good friend and  encouragement.    If you’ve read this far- I’m impressed.  The end.

My Spiritual Hunger

 

 

      “In this hour of all but universal darkness…there are found increasing numbers of persons….who are marked by a growing hunger after God himself.    They are eager for spiritual realities and will not be put off with words, nor will they be content with correct  “interpretations” of truth.  They are athirst for God, and they will not be satisfied till they have drunk deep.”

                                                A.W. Tozer  1948

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     I (DM) am not a religious person.

     Truth be told, religion makes me nervous.

      If something works for you, great- just don’t try to jam it down my throat.  I’ll sit politely for a little bit, but if you start pushing   I’ll tell you what I’m really thinking and you won’t do it again.

     Having said that, I am  a spiritual person.  I hunger to connect with God.  There is a difference.

      Even before I became a Christian, I remember feeling driven to connect with the spiritual.    In my senior year of high school, a class mate suggested I read a book by Carlos Castaneda where he describes being mentored by a Yaqui  Shaman, smoking peyote and seeing things through the eyes of a bird.   I longed for that type of encounter with the spiritual world.  Laugh all you want, but at the time, I had no reference point.  It just reveals the intensity of my hunger. 

       I want to say this as nicely as I can, but there are absolute truths in the spiritual realm, we disregard them at our own peril.

      I remember sitting down with pastor Tom- a cool, articulate, knowledgeable spiritual mentor of a certain religious denomination.  I had been reading some things from the church hierarchy and it didn’t square with some of the other things, I’d been told.

      I wrote down my questions, Tom and I went down the list,one by one.  He told me (off the record) he agreed with me, but in his mind,  they were fringe issues.  I’m thinking to myself, they were not “fringe” issues.  It’s one way or the other, but two opposite things can not both be true- regardless of how much politically correct nonsense you’ve bought into.

      Years ago now, I decided one of my litmus tests for evaluating a “spiritual authority” was to look for fruit in their life.

     Why?  Because if I listen to them, I will turn out like them if they are following their own information- and if they are not doing what they are telling others to do- then that’s even more reason to avoid them.  JMHO

      Did they evidence peace, joy, kindness?  If they were married, what was their marriage like?  If they had children, what were they like?  Because before you start telling me how to live my life, you’d better make sure it works in your own.   If you’re a mean ass (pardon my french)  with your wife and kids, then you have no business mentoring anybody.

      If you’re driven, grossly overweight, don’t laugh, and don’t have any friends, then what in the world are you doing standing there in the place of a “spiritual authority?”

      “Others before me have gone much farther into these mysteries than I have done, but if my fire is not large, it is yet real, and there may be those who can light their candle at its flame.”

                                                                       A.W. Tozer

               (From the intro to his book, The Pursuit Of God)

Writing Your Own “Bucket List”

      At the end of your life, as you’re laying on your death bed, I’m guessing you’re not going to say to yourself…”Boy, I wish I would have put in more hours at my job”

     I’ve signed up to teach a 4 week course at our local community college I’m calling Creating Your own Personal “Bucket List”   a spin off of the movie by the same name.   Do you know what’s funny- before the movie came out, I had  been working off of a personal bucket list for at least 10 years- didn’t call it that, but that’s what it was…so when I saw the movie, I thought to myself…hey/ those guys stole my  idea. 

     Here’s the course description:

     Treat yourself to four weeks of fun, laughter, and personal reflection.  The Bucket List is a list of things you might want to do before you “Kick the bucket.”  Local Author and teacher DM will act as a facilitator using various activities to help you begin your own bucket list.  Class size limited.  Begins Feb.3 4 weeks  6:00 PM- 7:30 PM     $35.00

 

     Here are some tidbits from my class notes  since chances are, you won’t be able to make it:

    As the facilitator of this class, I will have succeeded  if : 

A.  By the end of the week 4   you to have a list  of at least 10 items on it.

    We will discuss :

     What is leisure?

     What does “relaxing” look like to you?

     What’s the difference between  leisure, relaxing  and hedonism?

I have 4 or 5 handouts,  3 guest  speakers in  mind (besides myself) , an excellent book  to recommend and a movie to watch. 

 In the early 1980’s I read a book by Tim Hansel called  When I Relax I Feel Guilty.    It had more of an impact on my life than I realized at the time….here are two excerpts from the book:

     “ If I had my life to live over again, I’d try to make more mistakes next time: I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would take more trips, I would be crazier… I would eat more ice cream and less beans; I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. You see I’m one of those people who lives life prophylactically and sensibly hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them…”

     “Do something unusual. Be an experimenter. Meet new people, try new experiences. Let people think you’re loony. Wear a funny hat or put your shirt on backwards for a day…’ Hug a tree, fly a kite, wear a button, jog in triangles. Go for a long walk in your bare feet. Poke some holes in your rigidity. This is not a time to be timid. Take a chance, it’s worth it.”

    Thoughs, questions, comments?

Why You Don’t Want To Imitate Jesus

Disclaimer- This  is an “in house” memo.   If you’re not a believer, you’re probably better off not reading this one.  DM

 

       

Photos from my journal 1988

 

    I can still remember when it happened.  We were living @ 1561 Green Wood Lake Turnpike, about 5 minutes East of West Milford New Jersey.  I was miserable. (see photo above)   We were broke, 1000 miles from family pursueing schooling so I could be a marriage and family counselor, 4 kids, living check to check, way too busy with “church” activities.and I read this Scripture:

    “Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.”  It was talking about what is supposed to happen in the lives of a believer.  Literally, God himself should be flowing out of my life like a river.  What would that look like?   Well, I thought, rivers of joy, peace, love, compassion, confidence,  The qualities I imagined Jesus would have evidenced.

     I read that and thought to myself, “Now that is a joke.”  at best, there is tiny trickle maybe…but a river…Nada

     It was at that point I said to God,   “It says there are supposed to be rivers of living water flowing from my life and I barely see a trickle.I give up.”  Show me what that looks like.”

     I dropped out of all my “church” responsibilities, decided I was going to focus on being a better dad and husband…I knew it might tick off some of those in leadership, but frankly I didn’t care.  When you’re a people pleaser and you finally say enough is enough- what a rush.

     Over  the next several weeks, something  started happening.  I remember having this mirthful grin.  I felt like I was in on a secret- just between God and I.  My friend John Reilly commented to me weeks later…”Doug, there’s something different about you, I  not sure what it is.  “  

      I  did. 

       I went from trying to imitate Jesus to experiencing him live through me.  I kid you not…there is a night and day difference between me trying to  “imitate” Jesus and him living through me.    I know that might sound a little abstract and mystical.  I can’t help it.  I would be willing to bet, I’m not the first person who has made the same mistake. 

      That would have been in the Fall of 1989.  When I’m doing well spiritually I feel like Michael Jordan on the basketball court in his prime.  It just flows.  When I’m not, I can also feel it.  That sense of connection with God lasted for months, long enough for me to recognize when it’s not there now.  It’s not a one time thing.  It really is a day by day thing for me. 

     I know that  if  I cop an attitude with my wife,   it directly affects that connections. 

     It really has nothing to do with going to some building on Sunday.  If you are spiritually healthy, then you will long to connect with your spiritual siblings, somewhere.  It has nothing to do with giving a certain percentage of your money somewhere…if you’re spiritually healthy, you want to help others.  It has nothing to do with saying certain “prayers” at certain times.    Your conversation with the divine  will have an ebb and flow to it, just like you have with anyone you care for.   Its not something you have to legislate. 

Thoughts, comments, questions?

Once We Were Boys….

    I installed  another window this past Saturday.  a 9 ft by 4 ft  vinyl new construction window, a favor for an old employee.    The family had two little boys  and a newborn   baby girl.    The boys  (about 2 and 3) were captivated as I  removed the wood  casing from  around  the old window.  When the oldest introduced his little brother to me,  he ended with   ”And he’s tougher  than me.” 

      I thought to myself, ” Boy, these  guys remind me of   my brother and I. ” 

       I remarked, “I know that feeling”  (about having your younger brother being tougher than you).    

         I told him,  ”It will all work out….., but you may  have a hard  road ahead .”

      I am the oldest of four, my brother is 14 months younger, followed by two  sisters.   As far back as I can remember until I  was  15  Steve and I   fought.   And unfortunately, he was just a little stronger than me.    We fought when we milked the cows,  we fought when we went to bed, we  punched, wrestled, threw things, and  on one occasion  took the pitchfork after each other.    I could never understand why  mom got all worked up about our  fights.  

     Here is an early picture of my brother and I.    I can still remember standing there looking like a dork in those green leather lederhosen.

   

        I am thankful for my brother.     The last time we had a knock down drag out fight  was the Summer I was 15.   Today  there is not   a hint of the former anamosity we had for each other .  We’re both self employed- he specializes in pouring decorative concrete, whereas, I prefer remodeling and framing.   Because both of us have small crews, we  help each other out if one of us needs an extra set of hands .

Here is a photo of us working together pouring a  house wall a few years ago:

          

    ” When I was a child,  I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like  a child;  When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”  

       My purpose for this post is simple:

        Celebrate the relationship I have  with my brother.

           If you have any specific question about sibling rivalry- drop me a note, there are things you can do. 

      Note to you regular readers;    Tell me about your sibling relationships.  Where do you fall in line?  How would describe your relationship with your siblings today?    What would you say to the young mom who is tired of  refereeing?

Ibiza

   

      I’ve often said, your  first born child is like the first batch of cookies in a new oven.  You as  the  parent don’t really   know what you’re  doing  on this one.  (We both know you feel like you’re flying by the seat of your pants more often than not)

     I’m a first born, as well as the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family, which may explain a lot of things

     Dad’s mom ( Oma)  had a step sister (Aunt Sophie) who owned a vacation home on the island of Ibiza,  (little island off the coast of Spain)  She  never had any children….keep that in mind.

     I’m not sure who hatched the idea, but someone thought it would be good if all the grand children could take a trip to stay with Aunt Sophie as long as the opportunity lasted.  

        I was in  the first deployment with my cousin Carol.  The plan was for my brother to go the following year with our cousin Colleen,  they never got to go.

      Picture me,  a farm boy from Iowa with a snorkel and flippers, slowly working  my way along the shore line.  No big deal right?   Well, first of all, I can’t swim,  flunked beginner’s 3 times, quit when I was a head taller than the rest of the class.  Secondly , I was thousands of feet from the beach where I’d started, just a tiny speck by the time Carol’s mom  spotted me.  She told me later, she had visions of shipping me home in a box.  I had discovered that the Mediterranean was so salty it was next to impossible to drown.  For the first time in my life, I was  swimming!

     I’d had one year of Spanish in school, so Carol’s mother (my Aunt Ruth) assumed I was fluent in Spanish.   We stopped by a beach restaurant to grab a bite to eat.   Our waiter did not speak English.  After  pointing at the menu, he brought each of us a coke and lemon and one scrawny chicken, coved with  pin feathers   to split between the three of us.

         Aunt Ruth looked at me and said, “I thought you could speak Spanish, what in the heck did  you tell him????”

     “I don’t know, all I know how to do is count to one hundred and  tell him my name is Doug.”

     “For crying out loud…”  she said   

     Well, the two weeks went by way too fast. 

     Even though Carol and I were two of the most docile teens you could have ever found, our visit  was too much for Aunt Sophie- she said that was  last time she would host the grand children.

        In closing:

     Children are remarkable resilient.

     And second, the things that go wrong on your vacation  often   turn into  your fondest memories .

 

     So tell me, what are some of your fondest memories growing up?

The List

    ” I am learning …I can’t make anyone love me. Either they do or they don’t”

     That sentence jumped off an e-mail to me three weeks ago and I have continued to mull over its implications.

     I decided to write down names of people who I perceive   like  and accept me for who I am.  I came up with 16 names. 

      (I’m related to nine , including Mrs DM, my three daughters and one son.- I’m a rich man and I know it)

      Then I wrote down the names of people  where I once sensed this, but the relationship have grown dormant.   (There were  3)

     That was 3 weeks ago….

         Jim  was telling us last Sunday in our house church , there was this plant in his  living room with heart shaped leaves that  had started to flourish after sitting  dormant for years as a result of a little TLC on his part.  

 “That sounds like a  ”bachelor’s plant“  I told him with a smirk.

A  philodendron

    When I was a batchlor I had a couple of these-they were  very forgiving.  A philodendron  will put up with a lot of neglect before it dies.  But if  you do take the time to nurture it, the philodendron  will reward you by throwing out new runners and leaves in short order.  

       So like my friend Jim with his “bachelor’s plant,”  I decided to begin to  intentionally water these 19 relationships on a more regular basis, (rather than continue the hit and miss approach I’ve been getting by with for years)  Think about it…here are 19 people I already have some depth of significant relationship with..doesn’t it make sense to invest more of  my relational energy there? 

      Sure does    :-)  

     So I decided to

      - Go  out for breakfast with one man.

      - Went “road tripp’n” with a second.

    road trip:  Head for parts unknown w/ full tank of gas, large thermos of coffee with the intention of getting lost to shoot the bull.

      - Stopped by my mom and dad’s  just to visit, (they’re both on the list),

      - Picked up the phone and called one of the ushers in our wedding I hadn’t talked to since ????

      -  Attended a school musical of a friend’s daughter…something I would have never done had I not put him on “the list”  a few days before.

       One last thought…  I’m a blogger and if you haven’t already picked up, deeply relational.   I got an e-mail last week from Lori   encouraging me to embrace this relational bent in my life, rather than to always  second guessing it.     (Thank you Lori…I was listening)   

      I’ve been sharing my heart  for 22 months via this blog.    This past year we got to meet 2 fellow bloggers in the flesh.    To have someone read my stuff on a regular basis  and still want to meet me…talk about unconditional acceptance.  Probably needless to say but  they both made “The list.”

      Imagine hosting a party with all the people from “Your  list” there at the same time.  

       (besides your funeral) 

     How do you measure the depth of your relationships?

     Thoughts, comments, questions?