They called it teasing

  

    “The air was dank, tainted with the odors of steam, sweat and skin.  Years of rust and sediment from the dripping shower heads and armies of bare, wet feet had marbled the floor with streaks and patches of reddish brown.

     The authorities, clad in uniforms and carrying clipboards and whistles, marched the boys in, at least forty of them, all roughly the same age but many different sizes, strengths, and levels of maturity.  The dates of their births, the locations of their homes, and the simple luck of the draw had brought them here, and much like cattle earmarked for shipment, they had no voice in the matter.  The paperwork was in.  This room would be a part of their lives for the next four years.

     He had never been in this place, or anywhere like this place before.  He had never imagined such a place could even exist.  In here, kindness meant weakness, human warmth was a complication, and encouragement was unmanly.  In here, harshness was the guiding virtue- harshness, cruelty, and the blunt, relentless confirmation of every doubt he’d ever carried about himself.

      Mr M. a fearsome authority figure with a permanent scowl and a voice that yelled- only yelled- ordered them to strip down.  His assistants, clones of his cruelty, repeated the order, striding up and down the narrow aisles between the lockers.

     The boy hesitated, looking furtively about.  HE’d never been naked in front of strangers before, but even worse, he’d never been naked in front of enemies.  It had taken only one hour in gym class for the others to select him, to label him, and to put him in his place.  He was now officially the smallest one, the scared one, the weakling, the one without friends.  That made him fair game when it came time for showers.

      He he would be naked in front of them.  Naked.  His stomach wrung; his hands trembled.  Please God, get me out of here.  Please don’t let them do this to me.

     But every authority figure in his life had said he had to be here.  He had to go to school, do his chores, finish his homework, keep his shoes tied, go to bed and get up at certain hours, eat his vegetables, and be here.  End of discussion.

    He removed his clothes.

    Mr M continued his yelling.  “Come on, move it, move it, move it!”

     The herd- pink, black, brown, and bronze- moved in one direction and all he could do was move with it- a frail, naked body among the forty, longing for a towel, anything to cover himself.  Every other body was bigger, and stronger, and every other body had hair where the boy had none.  He knew they would notice.

     The showers were a long, high-ceiling echo chamber, murky with steam, rattling with lewd, raucous joking and laughter.  He didn’t want to hear it.

      After a big kid finished his shower, the boy carefully took his place under the showerhead, afraid  of slipping and even more afraid of grazing against anyone.  He let the water spray over him.  He hurriedly lathered his body with some soap.

     To his left, the talk started about him.  Then some laughing.  The talk spread, the call went out, “Hey, get a load of this!”  And audience gathered, a semicircle of naked dripping bodies.  The talk about him shifted to jeering at him.  He tried to act as if he didn’t hear them, but he could feel his face flushing.  Get through, get through, get out of here!

     He rinsed as well as he could , never turning away from the wall, then headed for the towel-off area, not meeting their eyes, trying to ignore their comments about his face, his body, his groin.  But the arrows were landing with painful accuracy: “Ugly”  “Wimp” “Gross” “Little girl.”

     He grabbed a towel off the cart and draped it around himself before he even started drying with it.  Even that action brought lewd comments and another lesson:  Once it begins, no action, no words, no change in behavior will turn it back.  Once you’re the target, anything you do will bring another arrow….. ” to be continued 

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    This is an excerpt from Frank Peretti’s book No More Victims    His words felt hauntingly familiar to me  (DM).   How about you?   Were you the brunt of any teasing growing up?  What did it feel like?   Has it left any scars?  Before someone is tempted to put a positive spin on this one, let’s take a  little time to tell our stories.

       I know, when life gives us lemons we’re supposed to make lemonade and all that other good stuff..but I’ve also watched   some  of my kids  experience   hellacious harassment in school- and  I suspect  they may still carrying the wounds today.

     Thoughts, questions, comments?

Why You Don’t Want To Imitate Jesus

Disclaimer- This  is an “in house” memo.   If you’re not a believer, you’re probably better off not reading this one.  DM

 

       

Photos from my journal 1988

 

    I can still remember when it happened.  We were living @ 1561 Green Wood Lake Turnpike, about 5 minutes East of West Milford New Jersey.  I was miserable. (see photo above)   We were broke, 1000 miles from family pursueing schooling so I could be a marriage and family counselor, 4 kids, living check to check, way too busy with “church” activities.and I read this Scripture:

    “Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.”  It was talking about what is supposed to happen in the lives of a believer.  Literally, God himself should be flowing out of my life like a river.  What would that look like?   Well, I thought, rivers of joy, peace, love, compassion, confidence,  The qualities I imagined Jesus would have evidenced.

     I read that and thought to myself, “Now that is a joke.”  at best, there is tiny trickle maybe…but a river…Nada

     It was at that point I said to God,   “It says there are supposed to be rivers of living water flowing from my life and I barely see a trickle.I give up.”  Show me what that looks like.”

     I dropped out of all my “church” responsibilities, decided I was going to focus on being a better dad and husband…I knew it might tick off some of those in leadership, but frankly I didn’t care.  When you’re a people pleaser and you finally say enough is enough- what a rush.

     Over  the next several weeks, something  started happening.  I remember having this mirthful grin.  I felt like I was in on a secret- just between God and I.  My friend John Reilly commented to me weeks later…”Doug, there’s something different about you, I  not sure what it is.  “  

      I  did. 

       I went from trying to imitate Jesus to experiencing him live through me.  I kid you not…there is a night and day difference between me trying to  “imitate” Jesus and him living through me.    I know that might sound a little abstract and mystical.  I can’t help it.  I would be willing to bet, I’m not the first person who has made the same mistake. 

      That would have been in the Fall of 1989.  When I’m doing well spiritually I feel like Michael Jordan on the basketball court in his prime.  It just flows.  When I’m not, I can also feel it.  That sense of connection with God lasted for months, long enough for me to recognize when it’s not there now.  It’s not a one time thing.  It really is a day by day thing for me. 

     I know that  if  I cop an attitude with my wife,   it directly affects that connections. 

     It really has nothing to do with going to some building on Sunday.  If you are spiritually healthy, then you will long to connect with your spiritual siblings, somewhere.  It has nothing to do with giving a certain percentage of your money somewhere…if you’re spiritually healthy, you want to help others.  It has nothing to do with saying certain “prayers” at certain times.    Your conversation with the divine  will have an ebb and flow to it, just like you have with anyone you care for.   Its not something you have to legislate. 

Thoughts, comments, questions?

Good Grief, That was 13 years ago

     

 

          I came across  the  picture Sunday night.  Facebook mentioned one of my friends had been tagged in a photo.

          Some of you talk about “triggers,” well, this photo  triggered something.  It  triggered  a heaviness  that was  almost palatable.

      Today at work,  that photo  and the accompanying  heaviness  came back to my mind several times.

     I didn’t understand.     I didn’t even know 1/2 of the people in the photo,  the ones I did  were  smiling.

       and then it hit me….

     I was  grieving

       Grief.  

      The picture triggered a wave of  grief that is 13 years old.   

     I didn’t think grief was supposed to last   that long.

           A good friend of mine is  still grieving the loss of a child, 4 years later.   He recently compared his   grief to  waves on the ocean.  
     Initially the waves  were strong, one after another… Four years later, they’re  further apart.

   

      Have you experienced grief in your life?  As I’ve alluded to, grief can come into our lives for lots of different reasons.

     If  you have experienced grief  and feel comfortable, would you tell me about it?  I suspect this post will generate a lot of hits long term.   What sort of comfort, insight, hope, wisdom would you give the person who stumbles across this later.  Please don’t give any pat  answers on this one.  I’m not interested in  theory.  Speak only of what you’ve experienced first hand.  Thank you in advance. DM

Once We Were Boys….

    I installed  another window this past Saturday.  a 9 ft by 4 ft  vinyl new construction window, a favor for an old employee.    The family had two little boys  and a newborn   baby girl.    The boys  (about 2 and 3) were captivated as I  removed the wood  casing from  around  the old window.  When the oldest introduced his little brother to me,  he ended with   ”And he’s tougher  than me.” 

      I thought to myself, ” Boy, these  guys remind me of   my brother and I. ” 

       I remarked, “I know that feeling”  (about having your younger brother being tougher than you).    

         I told him,  ”It will all work out….., but you may  have a hard  road ahead .”

      I am the oldest of four, my brother is 14 months younger, followed by two  sisters.   As far back as I can remember until I  was  15  Steve and I   fought.   And unfortunately, he was just a little stronger than me.    We fought when we milked the cows,  we fought when we went to bed, we  punched, wrestled, threw things, and  on one occasion  took the pitchfork after each other.    I could never understand why  mom got all worked up about our  fights.  

     Here is an early picture of my brother and I.    I can still remember standing there looking like a dork in those green leather lederhosen.

   

        I am thankful for my brother.     The last time we had a knock down drag out fight  was the Summer I was 15.   Today  there is not   a hint of the former anamosity we had for each other .  We’re both self employed- he specializes in pouring decorative concrete, whereas, I prefer remodeling and framing.   Because both of us have small crews, we  help each other out if one of us needs an extra set of hands .

Here is a photo of us working together pouring a  house wall a few years ago:

          

    ” When I was a child,  I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like  a child;  When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”  

       My purpose for this post is simple:

        Celebrate the relationship I have  with my brother.

           If you have any specific question about sibling rivalry- drop me a note, there are things you can do. 

      Note to you regular readers;    Tell me about your sibling relationships.  Where do you fall in line?  How would describe your relationship with your siblings today?    What would you say to the young mom who is tired of  refereeing?

When Your Child Thumbs Their Nose At Everything You Hold Dear…

          I

    Read  an article from  May 2008 Focus On The Family magazine  that is a must read  if  you’re a parent.  

    As a family, we batted 100%   (4 for 4), as our kids hit their mid to late teen years one by one they “thumbed their nose at virtually everything we  attempted to teach them.”   

   I’ve also watched as they’ve gradually  begun  to make better choices.

  I know  one of them   is a regular reader here.   (Hi )     and she would be the first to  tell you this is true.

     I know a couple of mom’s that read this blog don’t want to even think about  their daughter acting out like you did when you  hit the teen years…but they  might- and you’ll make it.     Stay in touch and I’ll walk   you  through it.  DM

    

       Here’s a  portion of the article that spoke to me:  

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     “I don’t have to put up with this.  I’m outta here!”  Amber stomped to her room.

     I don’t remember what the issue was, but a couple of hours later, Amber was gone.  Several frantic days later, we discovered that our high school senior was living with two older guys.  The girl who’d talked about being a youth worker was jumping into the sinful lifestyle she had previously decried.

     Amber isn’t the first child, and certainly won’t be the last, to abandon the values he or she was raised with.  Sometimes children question their faith in a way that can be nerve-wracking for parents but is a natural part of growing up and making faith their own.  At other times, kids make a series of bad choices but don’t walk away from God.  Some kids, however, rebel against parents, God and anyone else who gets in their way.

     No matter the scenario, it can be a time of stress, anxiety, and heartbreak.  What should a parent do when a child goes astray?….

(skipping #’s 1-6)

# 7  Set boundaries  During a prodigal season, otherwise lovable kids are often at their worst.  They may become rude, demanding, manipulative and abusive.  Some parents think they have to put up with bad behavior in order to display God’s love.  That’s not so.  Your child has seen God’s love through you for years.  The prodigal benefits more from a parent who says, “I love you, but I won’t tolerate disrespect.” 

 

# 8 Deal with your feelings.  Parents of wayward kids face many emotions: anger, (at the child, at themselves, at a mate, at a child’s bad companions), grief sorrow, depression, guilt.  Whatever the feelings, we have to acknowledge them before we can deal with them.

(DM here….I can attest to experiencing every one of these emotions…(except for being angry with my mate. and I don’t think I’ve been depressed)

 

#10  Look to a brighter future.   In talking with dozens of parents, I learned that the prodigal season is just that, a season.  Amber outgrew her prodigal stage within a couple of years as she realized she didn’t like being a “wild child.”  Sooner or later, most children return to good relationships with their parents and their heavenly Father….

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Your thoughts? 

PS  You might want to read this one as well…I wrote it earlier and it also pertains to parenting. DM

 

Family/ House Meetings

      I still remember my first house meeting.  We were renting an apartment from our church….not your typical church mind you.   We lived on a 10 acre retreat center in Northern New Jersey right in the middle of Watershed property- it was beautiful! 

      I know this is a bunny trail- but did you know there are still black bear that run wild in New Jersey  :-)

 

      OK back to the house meeting…

      We were staying  in the main lodge which held a girls dorm, a guys dorm, the pastor’s apartment and a couple of apartments for guests like us.  Once a month they would call a house meeting to address any issues that might come up….could be laundry , parking problems, noise, you name it.  There were a half a dozen people on staff, couple of young people on rehab…I’d say there were at least 15 to 20 people present if you counted children.  I soaked up every detail.   If you think life in your home is hectic…try rubbing shoulders with 20 people.  You learned how to address issues.  We lived in that type of environment for over a year.   I was telling a friend of ours about it who happened to be a Franciscan Sister (nun)- she told me that nuns also have house meetings for the same reason- to address problems and keep things running smoothly.

     We brought that concept over into our home as we were raising our four children.   We didn’t have them every month, but as things would develop…

     “Andrea  borrowed my good top that I bought with my own money and got a stain on it.”   

      “The last time Jordan was here at our house I know he was snooping in my closet.”

      You  could tell when you needed to call a meeting- especially as the kids got older…that way everybody was on the same page on a given issue..everyone  got a chance to express themselves without being interrupted.  I  would usually moderate…If passions were running high I might have to lay the law down a time or two to not interrupt..you’ll get your turn!   We might have one item to discuss or four.  I would always summarize our final decision…make sure everyone understood how things stood.

     One of the things I’ve noticed as our children have become adults…they are much quicker  to address  issues in all their relationships- both socially and at work.  

              I can’t imagine sitting around the table as a child having the opportunity to share my thoughts with the family  and then being taken seriously.

       Thoughts or questions?

    

    

Job’s Relationship With God-Living Authentically

  

     Today’s post comes  from a pamphlet written by Kristi Casteel  of  Caleb Ministries.  Kristi and her husband Rick have been our “mentors” the past 8-9 years.  When my wife and I  have needed help with  our personal “stuff”/marriage/ parenting, etc.  they have been who we’ve turned to.   Kristi wrote a series of articles titled Living From The Heart .   I’ve had two posts  here and here  on the blog talking about “emotional numbness”.    Kristi’s  booklet addresses this  issue head on.

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     Honesty:  The Genuine Heart

    “TOTAL HONESTY?…Feels too threatening!”

      Certainly if we define “living from the heart” as “genuinely examining our lives and hearts before God and others on a daily basis without pretense or hiding, and loving with abandon in spite of our deficits,” honesty is imperative.  To be honest is to be genuine.

      Sometimes however, being honest with ourselves is the most difficult obstacle overcome.  Admitting to myself how I really feel  in a given situation may mean facing the anger, betrayal, or sorrow I have been carrying with me for years, or are presently experiencing within a significant relationship.  Depending on the circumstances that surround these feelings,  the length of time we have carried them, or the intensity of the emotions, telling myself the truth can appear very daunting and fearful.  Or maybe we have never learned how to acknowledge and deal with our emotions in a healthy way and our experiences of trying to do so have only complicated our lives more.  In addition, we may  have been taught or are presently being told that our emotions are not reliable, important, or valid,  so attempting to acknowledge them brings not only more pain, but criticism or even rejection.  Others don’t know  what they feel or think, because they have been so focused on performing, succeeding, or pleasing others, all the while being separated from their hearts and feelings.  Fear of finding nothing inside, as a result of honest examination, feels too devastating to face.  Exposure is the enemy and denial or avoidance of being exposed seems to be the only safe answer.  They feel alone, and trapped in their insecurity and resulting shame.

    Surprisingly, genuine honest relating oftentimes results in greater struggle with others  both in our interactions and relationships with them.  Some will be a great encouragement to us as we honestly share our feelings and struggles with them, as well as being encouraged themselves as they share mutual life experiences and struggles with us.  Others, however may feel threatened or uncomfortable with the level of vulnerability that goes along with honesty and like Job’s friends, may judge and criticize, offering only cognitive assents to our struggle and emphasizing that the “truth” of scripture will solve our problems.  Some might choose to relate only on a surface level, avoiding “personal” conversation altogether while others will make the choice to simply avoid our company.

     Job took great risk in struggling so honestly and intensely with God in front of his friends, but surprisingly God honored him.  His friends’ poor responses and misguided words stood out in sharp contrast to him. Why?  What was it about Job that pleased God in contrast to his friends?

     Was it because his faith kept Him from asking “Why me God?”  No, Job 10:2 says,” Let me know why you contend with me?  His friends rebuked him for the lack of faith that he was expressing in his suffering.  They felt a man of his stature and spiritual leadership should know better than to question God’s sovereignty.

 or

    Was it because he trusted in God and did not complain?  No, quite the opposite. Again, Job 10:1 says, ” I will give full vent to my complaint, I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.”  Eliphaz accused him of impatience and urged to submit to God, suggesting that if he would repent, God would bless him. (Job 4,33:25-28)

Or

     Was it because in all of his suffering his faith never wavered?  No, Job 30:20-21 says, “I cried out to you for help, but you do not answer me…You have become cruel to me.”  His friend Elihu rebuked him for charging God with hostility toward him.

Or

     Was it because he stood steadfastly on the “truth” and claimed his healing and restoration?  No, Job 17:15-16 says,  “Where now is my hope?  And who regards my hope?  Will it go down to Sheol with me?”

 If not these….

     Then it must have been because he was able to believe that God must have a purpose in his suffering that he need not know?  No, nothing of the sort.  Job 13:3  “But I would speak to the Almighty, and I desire to argue with God.”

     So, if it was not that Job didn’t ask why, or didn’t complain, or that he held fast to his faith, or believed God promised to answer his prayers and heal him, or that he accepted his suffering without questioning God’s purpose (Sound familiar?) …What in the world was it that God so highly commended Job for?  Why would he give Job such honor over his friends, when although they were wrong in their assumptions about Job’s problem, each did state many things that were true about God?  Weren’t his friends merely trying to keep him from abandoning his faith in God?  After all, Job did go too far, didn’t he, in cursing his own birth, accusing God of cruelty, and even giving up on God and life completely, not to mention desiring death over life, asking God to just leave him alone for a while before his death?  Any hope for healing was gone.

     How is it that the most highly respected Godly man of the times, (God Himself described Job as “blameless and upright, the greatest man on earth”) when confronted with great sorrow and suffering , seemed to spiritually “fall apart” (according to much of the teaching of modern day Christianity), and yet God gave him instead of reproof, honor?  He even went on to “personally” vindicate him before all his arrogantly accusatory friends? Why?  I believe the answer to that question is as simple as it is difficult and as obvious as it is surprising.

     I am so struck with the picture I see painted in the book of Job of the relationship between God and man.  It seems to me that God used both subtlety and drama to point to the most important aspect of life…relationship.  I also believe that the book of Job points to the kind of relationship God desires.  In other words, Job demonstrates for us what God desires in His relationship with us.

      Although all appearances seem to say otherwise, Job displayed great trust in God as a Father whom he could bring his doubts, anger, confusion, despair, and even naive arrogance, trusting in His character and in the relationship he had with Him.  Without a deep sense of trust, in God and in their relationship, Job would have never come to God in the way that he did, with what seems like brutal honesty.  (We, like his friends, would probably label it disrespect and great lack of faith if he was sitting in our pews today)  Yet that assumption begs the question, “If Job had such great faith and trust in God, where was it in his experience of suffering?  Didn’t he all but loose his faith before God intervened?”  If we answer that question only according to his words and apparent struggle, we would have to question  the idea that prior to God’s intervention he had a deep trust in God.  But, I would like to suggest that we reevaluate or redefine what it means to trust in a relationship, what it might look like to have faith in another, or how love  might play out when there is conflict, using their relationship as a model.  In looking a little more closely through the grid of relationship, we might find ourselves looking at Job’s relationship with God differently.  In fact we might find ourselves reevaluating not only our relationship with God but all our relationships….”

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     You’re thought? 

    

My Spiral Into Depression

    I learned at CCEF  ”almost anything can be at the root of depression: a recent illness in which you get behind in your work, hormonal changes, a reversal of fortune, the consequences of simple negligence, guilt over a particular sin, self-pity arising from jealousy or a disadvantageous turn of events, bad feelings resulting from resentment, worry, etc….the important fact to remember is that a depression does not result directly from any of those factors, but rather comes from a cyclical process in which the initial problem is mishandled in such a way that it is enlarged in downward helixical spirals that eventually plunge one into despair.

    Mine came about due to the death of a  vision.

WARNING: Going to talk about my faith….if that sort of thing gets under your skin….stop now…you won’t hurt my feelings.

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     May 4, 1980 7:48 PM I wrote this in the front cover of a little New Testament:  “I made a commitment to God to live my life for his Glory’ 

 Translation:  Just like a  person entering into a marriage covenant , I entered into a “covenant” with God Himself….as an adult I made an intentional decision to become a believer. 

       As is often the case,  I desired to be more effective in reaching  out to other people…there was this restlessness in my life.  Looked at 50 different Christian Colleges, trying to decide whether to be a formally trained pastor, or marriage and family counselor…Moved from Iowa to New Jersey in 1985 (with two kids in tow) , enrolled @ CCEF, decided I was being called to be a bi-vocational pastor .   Carpenter by day,  teacher/facilitator when  I could….1990 returned to the Midwest with a strong sense of purpose.  I’d  experienced  5 years of intense discipleship/mentoring  in New Jersey and believed God had brought us home to pass on what I’d learned.  

     Things were great for the first 2  1/2  years,  then  began to butt heads with  our pastor  In hindsight, God set me up- we had two completely different  understandings for a healthy church.  His was a more traditional model-  I on the other hand craved  deeper relationships  that can’t be cultivated when you’re sitting in rows looking at the back of each others heads.  We had two different models..not wrong/ just different.  I know I  wore him out with our intense discussions.   It finally came to a head in November  of 1995- we left the church-  the hardest decision of my life (till then) – 90% of my closest friendships were in that church/ someone told me later, it felt like a divorce- (it did).

    I was confused, I was angry-(I’m not giving you all the details- this would get too wordy)- I believed I would eventually  be a co-pastor that church….instead I was on the outside looking in. 

   The depression probably started  two years previous, and lingered  another year.  Things  gradually got better since 1996 – here we are 12 years later and there is still a bruise on my soul.  Just this morning, as we’ve been organizing our office, I came across several magazines and books related to mentoring and discipleship-  I pitched the magazines, and am selling  some of the books on e-bay. I have no aspiration or intention of ever taking an active role in leadership in a local church.  I’m no longer depressed    just broken- and there is a big difference. 

    Have you ever wrestled with depression?  What triggered it?  What brought you out of it? (if you’re out of it?)   What good came from it (if any)?

   Have you ever watched your life  goal  die?  What was it and where are you at in the process now?

Healthy Conflict

   

 

     Healthy conflict can be good-I just had one.  Read a post last night  even posted a comment, had no idea I would find myself smack dab in the middle of a very heated conversation with my 26 yr old daughter over my  50th birthday party change of plans this morning.

     We were planning to go out for a fancy dinner tonight- just immediate family- no boyfriends/ girl friends…I envisioned a intimate time of conversation- with just our kids.   The dynamics change when all of their significant others are present..I enjoy all of them, it’s just I wanted to savor my children one last time.

   Well, the weatherman said we were going to get another winter blast today- 40 mph winds, temperature down to 10 below F….decided to cancel our plans…stay close to home-  told my daughter she could invite her significant other.  This morning  the weather report didn’t  look so bad so we were talking about still doing the fancy restaurant thing.  What to do w/ the boyfriend that was now invited  for local pizza?  I said I’d prefer to stick to the original guest list if we  are going fancy-  I’d told one of the other kids their significant other couldn’t come last week-now if  I made an exception - that  child would be hurt…their boyfriend lives out of town and not sure on short notice they can make it…are you with me so far?

     At this point, things quickly heated up- lines were drawn in the sand- I even said the “f” word – (under my breath -in another room so only  God and I heard )…. Then I hear this still small voice whispering to me…this is a teachable moment…( no way could I ever go to the fancy restaurant w/o that child (they already told me, if the  boyfriend can’t go-neither will they)…wouldn’t that be a great way to cap off my 50th celebration?

   I stood there at the kitchen sink, looking out the window thinking to myself..why didn’t I want all the other people present…because the conversations tend to degenerate  into off color jokes, off color comments.  -so why don’t I go to my daughter, right now, while we are both still hot and talk this through…we did-there was no name calling, I shared my heart-acknowledged we were both frustrated, told her why  I was initially opposed to the large group…told her my concerns about the other child being hurt…in the end, decided, let’s stay local, invite all the significant others- I said I was sorry for my sarcasm..and we’re both good with where things now stand.

   (I only mention the “f” word  because I was HOT-  I used to cuss like a sailor in my younger days- pretty much gave up that dirty habit  the past 25 yrs… but-wanted to give you a sense of how hot things were getting- and hey, I have never claimed I was perfect.)

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On a completely different note-  I am in the pitching/decluttering mood this weekend…I have 16 old  back issues of  Discipleship Journal published by Navpress from the 1990′s- They are yours if you pick up the postage (let’s say $4.00).  Full of excellent articles- I hate to throw them away.  Here are some of the topics:Burned by the church/how to find healing- Just FORGIVE?  Tempted to give up?  Long distance disciplining,  How to leave a legacy of faith ,   Why do I still feel Guilty?   Joy the Elusive Fruit, Paul’s Model For Friendship, How to IGNITE a Bored Believer, TOO Busy?  The SECRET to Contentment,  (and dozens of other articles).  This is an all or nothing deal- first person who says they wants them  gets them).

My Approach To Blogging

  Photo of two of my mentors:

         C.S. Lewis

         Corrie Ten Boom (having a cup of coffee)

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      I got a note from my friend Hope yesterday after  I’d written this.

   

    She asked:

“What’s going on with you? I just read your blog. You sound so hugely hurt and majorly ticked. I don’t think I’ve ever “heard” you so ticked off before…I think another good question is, what are your motives behind blogging?”

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Here is a portion of my reply to her:

      I am fine now.  Why do I blog?…it’s not to have other people put me on their blog roll…honestly,  I’ve only been tempted once or twice to even ask someone to consider adding me..it was someone with whom I had been doing a lot of interaction with.  I write for a couple of reasons…the biggest reason is  for it to be a vehicle of encouragement ……that’s my primary reason.  On of my instructors at CCEF  once said that if we start looking at our motives for doing things, it’s like peeling an onion…there are layers of reasons we do things, both selfish and others centered.  I’m not surprised when I see a little “self” in my  motives, doesn’t stop me from doing something, because the biggest motive is others centered.  I figure the older I get in the Lord, the less there will be of me…meanwhile, I keep pecking away…

     So, my motive is to be an encourager…now how does posting something that def. sounds like a vent become an encouragement?   I purposed several months ago after I started writing, while I was still trying to “find my voice”   (my style if you will)  , that one of the principles I would use was to be authentic… post the real stuff/ not just a  ”sanitized”/ edited version , so when I woke up the other morning still feeling those emotions of rejection, I thought…I need to write while I’m still at that place….I want people to know I’m a whole person, I still have my moments where I smoke and sputter too..even though I’ve been a Christian actively pursuing my relationship with Him since 1980…When I’ve read  these type of things from people (like CS Lewis, or Corrie Ten Boom) for example, it did encourage me, in fact it made the other things they shared even more creditable..they weren’t some super saint so far removed from where I live that I  didn’t feel I could relate to them…rather, those dear people also wrestled with confusion, doubt, anger, etc.  and they had such relationships with God that blew my mind…and to think they still had moments when they sputtered…I soaked it in….so that’s why I posted it. ….\

as always, thanks for keeping in touch and making me think.  DM

 

     I didn’t include this in my reply to Hope but  should have.   The second reason I write is because it helps me to process life.  It does two things.  First,  just getting the hard  stuff “out” often times helps me diffuse it.  Secondly,  Because I’m doing this in such a public setting,  it allows other people to speak into my life.   There is a risk of being misunderstood   to be sure, but the benefits outweigh the  risk and   so far I’m  willing to take my lumps.       Any thoughts?

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 1/29/08  I got a note via e-mail this morning pertaining to this issue:

     “thank you for having a blog that is candid.   So many out there are so rose-colored I can’t imagine they are actually written by real human beings.”