Losing My Religion

 

     I got a call last week from a friend- her  son had taken  a World Religion class last year  and no longer believes in God.   Our conversation took me  back to a time when something similiar happened to me- for a spell.

      I grew up Protestant, fell in love with a pretty young Catholic,  decided I’d convert which ment I  had to attend a series of classes- which stirred up a bee’s nest of questions.  For the first time in my life I found myself genuinely  wrestling with questions of faith, religion, spirituality, absolute truth.  

Who is right?  Who can I go to with my questions?   The Catholic priest  thinks  he is right,  my former Protestant minister  thinks  he is right…everyone’s  biased.  Then try to  make any sense out of all the denominations just within the Christian faith.  -   there are over 400 different Baptist denominations alone-not to mention, Pentecostals, Congregationalists, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Fundamentalists, Nazarenes, and  non-denominational, plus  all of the world religions that claim to have a corner on the truth….then you have your sincere atheists, Agnostics, and New Agers…have I missed anyone ?

  yep, what an emotional  roller coaster ride that was.

I went through a time of intense questioning- It felt like I was in the midst of a spiritual  earthquake-  the very foundations of  my life were  shaken – hard.

   I  told my friend to get herself a copy of Lee Strobel’s book-

A case For Faith  

 As a former atheist, Strobel understands the rational resistance to faith. He even names the eight most convincing arguments against Christian faith.  Here is a partial list of issues he tackles:

1) If there’s a loving God, why does this pain-wracked world groan under so much suffering and evil?
2) If the miracles of God contradict science, then how can any rational person believe that they’re true?
3) If God is morally pure, how can he sanction the slaughter of innocent children as the Old Testament says he did?
4) If God cares about the people he created, how could he consign so many of them to an eternity of torture in hell just because they didn’t believe the right things about him?
5) If Jesus is the only way to heaven, then what about the millions of people who have never heard of him?
6) If God really created the universe, why does the evidence of science compel so many to conclude that the unguided process of evolution accounts for life?
7) If God is the ultimate overseer of the church, why has it been rife with hypocrisy and brutality throughout the ages?
8) If I’m still plagued by doubts, then is it still possible to be a Christian?

       My conversation with my friend didn’t get this far but the second thing I would suggest is look at the personal life  of  any person telling  others how to live and think-  They are a walking billboard for what they really believe.

My Spiritual Hunger

 

 

      “In this hour of all but universal darkness…there are found increasing numbers of persons….who are marked by a growing hunger after God himself.    They are eager for spiritual realities and will not be put off with words, nor will they be content with correct  “interpretations” of truth.  They are athirst for God, and they will not be satisfied till they have drunk deep.”

                                                A.W. Tozer  1948

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     I (DM) am not a religious person.

     Truth be told, religion makes me nervous.

      If something works for you, great- just don’t try to jam it down my throat.  I’ll sit politely for a little bit, but if you start pushing   I’ll tell you what I’m really thinking and you won’t do it again.

     Having said that, I am  a spiritual person.  I hunger to connect with God.  There is a difference.

      Even before I became a Christian, I remember feeling driven to connect with the spiritual.    In my senior year of high school, a class mate suggested I read a book by Carlos Castaneda where he describes being mentored by a Yaqui  Shaman, smoking peyote and seeing things through the eyes of a bird.   I longed for that type of encounter with the spiritual world.  Laugh all you want, but at the time, I had no reference point.  It just reveals the intensity of my hunger. 

       I want to say this as nicely as I can, but there are absolute truths in the spiritual realm, we disregard them at our own peril.

      I remember sitting down with pastor Tom- a cool, articulate, knowledgeable spiritual mentor of a certain religious denomination.  I had been reading some things from the church hierarchy and it didn’t square with some of the other things, I’d been told.

      I wrote down my questions, Tom and I went down the list,one by one.  He told me (off the record) he agreed with me, but in his mind,  they were fringe issues.  I’m thinking to myself, they were not “fringe” issues.  It’s one way or the other, but two opposite things can not both be true- regardless of how much politically correct nonsense you’ve bought into.

      Years ago now, I decided one of my litmus tests for evaluating a “spiritual authority” was to look for fruit in their life.

     Why?  Because if I listen to them, I will turn out like them if they are following their own information- and if they are not doing what they are telling others to do- then that’s even more reason to avoid them.  JMHO

      Did they evidence peace, joy, kindness?  If they were married, what was their marriage like?  If they had children, what were they like?  Because before you start telling me how to live my life, you’d better make sure it works in your own.   If you’re a mean ass (pardon my french)  with your wife and kids, then you have no business mentoring anybody.

      If you’re driven, grossly overweight, don’t laugh, and don’t have any friends, then what in the world are you doing standing there in the place of a “spiritual authority?”

      “Others before me have gone much farther into these mysteries than I have done, but if my fire is not large, it is yet real, and there may be those who can light their candle at its flame.”

                                                                       A.W. Tozer

               (From the intro to his book, The Pursuit Of God)

Energy Suckers, Boring Sermons and second guessing Myself

   

  We had an invite on the answering machine yesterday for a New Years Day party- last minute with the instructions to call either way.   I told the wife to suit herself, but I for one was not going to call.  

         A still small voice whispered  “There must be something wrong with  you ..that isn’t a very loving attitude”.

     Maybe it had something to do with the fact that any time we have been  with this couple, she  sucked me bone dry emotionally.   There was a  bottomless pit of need in that woman’s heart,  reminded me of a sink hole, she talked the whole time- had no interest in our lives. …

       Years ago we attended a church where I struggled during the sermon to  listen- I tried, I really tried….this went on for 5 years.

       Same small voice… ” Maybe you have  a hard heart,  You need to  see past the messenger to the message.    There must be something wrong with you  if  you  feel  bored.”

       I’m a very patient person with a  soft heart and a high tolerance for quirky people and situations.

        I’ve also lived long enough now to not automatically discount my own perspective on a situation. 

        Have you ever read the  children story the Emperors New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson

         If you have  2 minutes, you can  read it here

         I’m related to the little boy.  

         At some point, if you are a chronic energy sucker with no intention of changing, then I’ll probably keep my distance.

         If you’re a pastor  who is burnt out and refuses to change- then don’t be surprised if at some point  I move on.

     How do you decide when you have a bad attitude(s) or valid concerns?

Why You Don’t Want To Imitate Jesus

Disclaimer- This  is an “in house” memo.   If you’re not a believer, you’re probably better off not reading this one.  DM

 

       

Photos from my journal 1988

 

    I can still remember when it happened.  We were living @ 1561 Green Wood Lake Turnpike, about 5 minutes East of West Milford New Jersey.  I was miserable. (see photo above)   We were broke, 1000 miles from family pursueing schooling so I could be a marriage and family counselor, 4 kids, living check to check, way too busy with “church” activities.and I read this Scripture:

    “Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.”  It was talking about what is supposed to happen in the lives of a believer.  Literally, God himself should be flowing out of my life like a river.  What would that look like?   Well, I thought, rivers of joy, peace, love, compassion, confidence,  The qualities I imagined Jesus would have evidenced.

     I read that and thought to myself, “Now that is a joke.”  at best, there is tiny trickle maybe…but a river…Nada

     It was at that point I said to God,   “It says there are supposed to be rivers of living water flowing from my life and I barely see a trickle.I give up.”  Show me what that looks like.”

     I dropped out of all my “church” responsibilities, decided I was going to focus on being a better dad and husband…I knew it might tick off some of those in leadership, but frankly I didn’t care.  When you’re a people pleaser and you finally say enough is enough- what a rush.

     Over  the next several weeks, something  started happening.  I remember having this mirthful grin.  I felt like I was in on a secret- just between God and I.  My friend John Reilly commented to me weeks later…”Doug, there’s something different about you, I  not sure what it is.  “  

      I  did. 

       I went from trying to imitate Jesus to experiencing him live through me.  I kid you not…there is a night and day difference between me trying to  “imitate” Jesus and him living through me.    I know that might sound a little abstract and mystical.  I can’t help it.  I would be willing to bet, I’m not the first person who has made the same mistake. 

      That would have been in the Fall of 1989.  When I’m doing well spiritually I feel like Michael Jordan on the basketball court in his prime.  It just flows.  When I’m not, I can also feel it.  That sense of connection with God lasted for months, long enough for me to recognize when it’s not there now.  It’s not a one time thing.  It really is a day by day thing for me. 

     I know that  if  I cop an attitude with my wife,   it directly affects that connections. 

     It really has nothing to do with going to some building on Sunday.  If you are spiritually healthy, then you will long to connect with your spiritual siblings, somewhere.  It has nothing to do with giving a certain percentage of your money somewhere…if you’re spiritually healthy, you want to help others.  It has nothing to do with saying certain “prayers” at certain times.    Your conversation with the divine  will have an ebb and flow to it, just like you have with anyone you care for.   Its not something you have to legislate. 

Thoughts, comments, questions?

Good Grief, That was 13 years ago

     

 

          I came across  the  picture Sunday night.  Facebook mentioned one of my friends had been tagged in a photo.

          Some of you talk about “triggers,” well, this photo  triggered something.  It  triggered  a heaviness  that was  almost palatable.

      Today at work,  that photo  and the accompanying  heaviness  came back to my mind several times.

     I didn’t understand.     I didn’t even know 1/2 of the people in the photo,  the ones I did  were  smiling.

       and then it hit me….

     I was  grieving

       Grief.  

      The picture triggered a wave of  grief that is 13 years old.   

     I didn’t think grief was supposed to last   that long.

           A good friend of mine is  still grieving the loss of a child, 4 years later.   He recently compared his   grief to  waves on the ocean.  
     Initially the waves  were strong, one after another… Four years later, they’re  further apart.

   

      Have you experienced grief in your life?  As I’ve alluded to, grief can come into our lives for lots of different reasons.

     If  you have experienced grief  and feel comfortable, would you tell me about it?  I suspect this post will generate a lot of hits long term.   What sort of comfort, insight, hope, wisdom would you give the person who stumbles across this later.  Please don’t give any pat  answers on this one.  I’m not interested in  theory.  Speak only of what you’ve experienced first hand.  Thank you in advance. DM

Once We Were Boys….

    I installed  another window this past Saturday.  a 9 ft by 4 ft  vinyl new construction window, a favor for an old employee.    The family had two little boys  and a newborn   baby girl.    The boys  (about 2 and 3) were captivated as I  removed the wood  casing from  around  the old window.  When the oldest introduced his little brother to me,  he ended with   ”And he’s tougher  than me.” 

      I thought to myself, ” Boy, these  guys remind me of   my brother and I. ” 

       I remarked, “I know that feeling”  (about having your younger brother being tougher than you).    

         I told him,  ”It will all work out….., but you may  have a hard  road ahead .”

      I am the oldest of four, my brother is 14 months younger, followed by two  sisters.   As far back as I can remember until I  was  15  Steve and I   fought.   And unfortunately, he was just a little stronger than me.    We fought when we milked the cows,  we fought when we went to bed, we  punched, wrestled, threw things, and  on one occasion  took the pitchfork after each other.    I could never understand why  mom got all worked up about our  fights.  

     Here is an early picture of my brother and I.    I can still remember standing there looking like a dork in those green leather lederhosen.

   

        I am thankful for my brother.     The last time we had a knock down drag out fight  was the Summer I was 15.   Today  there is not   a hint of the former anamosity we had for each other .  We’re both self employed- he specializes in pouring decorative concrete, whereas, I prefer remodeling and framing.   Because both of us have small crews, we  help each other out if one of us needs an extra set of hands .

Here is a photo of us working together pouring a  house wall a few years ago:

          

    ” When I was a child,  I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like  a child;  When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”  

       My purpose for this post is simple:

        Celebrate the relationship I have  with my brother.

           If you have any specific question about sibling rivalry- drop me a note, there are things you can do. 

      Note to you regular readers;    Tell me about your sibling relationships.  Where do you fall in line?  How would describe your relationship with your siblings today?    What would you say to the young mom who is tired of  refereeing?

Ibiza

   

      I’ve often said, your  first born child is like the first batch of cookies in a new oven.  You as  the  parent don’t really   know what you’re  doing  on this one.  (We both know you feel like you’re flying by the seat of your pants more often than not)

     I’m a first born, as well as the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family, which may explain a lot of things

     Dad’s mom ( Oma)  had a step sister (Aunt Sophie) who owned a vacation home on the island of Ibiza,  (little island off the coast of Spain)  She  never had any children….keep that in mind.

     I’m not sure who hatched the idea, but someone thought it would be good if all the grand children could take a trip to stay with Aunt Sophie as long as the opportunity lasted.  

        I was in  the first deployment with my cousin Carol.  The plan was for my brother to go the following year with our cousin Colleen,  they never got to go.

      Picture me,  a farm boy from Iowa with a snorkel and flippers, slowly working  my way along the shore line.  No big deal right?   Well, first of all, I can’t swim,  flunked beginner’s 3 times, quit when I was a head taller than the rest of the class.  Secondly , I was thousands of feet from the beach where I’d started, just a tiny speck by the time Carol’s mom  spotted me.  She told me later, she had visions of shipping me home in a box.  I had discovered that the Mediterranean was so salty it was next to impossible to drown.  For the first time in my life, I was  swimming!

     I’d had one year of Spanish in school, so Carol’s mother (my Aunt Ruth) assumed I was fluent in Spanish.   We stopped by a beach restaurant to grab a bite to eat.   Our waiter did not speak English.  After  pointing at the menu, he brought each of us a coke and lemon and one scrawny chicken, coved with  pin feathers   to split between the three of us.

         Aunt Ruth looked at me and said, “I thought you could speak Spanish, what in the heck did  you tell him????”

     “I don’t know, all I know how to do is count to one hundred and  tell him my name is Doug.”

     “For crying out loud…”  she said   

     Well, the two weeks went by way too fast. 

     Even though Carol and I were two of the most docile teens you could have ever found, our visit  was too much for Aunt Sophie- she said that was  last time she would host the grand children.

        In closing:

     Children are remarkable resilient.

     And second, the things that go wrong on your vacation  often   turn into  your fondest memories .

 

     So tell me, what are some of your fondest memories growing up?

The List

    ” I am learning …I can’t make anyone love me. Either they do or they don’t”

     That sentence jumped off an e-mail to me three weeks ago and I have continued to mull over its implications.

     I decided to write down names of people who I perceive   like  and accept me for who I am.  I came up with 16 names. 

      (I’m related to nine , including Mrs DM, my three daughters and one son.- I’m a rich man and I know it)

      Then I wrote down the names of people  where I once sensed this, but the relationship have grown dormant.   (There were  3)

     That was 3 weeks ago….

         Jim  was telling us last Sunday in our house church , there was this plant in his  living room with heart shaped leaves that  had started to flourish after sitting  dormant for years as a result of a little TLC on his part.  

 “That sounds like a  ”bachelor’s plant“  I told him with a smirk.

A  philodendron

    When I was a batchlor I had a couple of these-they were  very forgiving.  A philodendron  will put up with a lot of neglect before it dies.  But if  you do take the time to nurture it, the philodendron  will reward you by throwing out new runners and leaves in short order.  

       So like my friend Jim with his “bachelor’s plant,”  I decided to begin to  intentionally water these 19 relationships on a more regular basis, (rather than continue the hit and miss approach I’ve been getting by with for years)  Think about it…here are 19 people I already have some depth of significant relationship with..doesn’t it make sense to invest more of  my relational energy there? 

      Sure does    :-)  

     So I decided to

      - Go  out for breakfast with one man.

      - Went “road tripp’n” with a second.

    road trip:  Head for parts unknown w/ full tank of gas, large thermos of coffee with the intention of getting lost to shoot the bull.

      - Stopped by my mom and dad’s  just to visit, (they’re both on the list),

      - Picked up the phone and called one of the ushers in our wedding I hadn’t talked to since ????

      -  Attended a school musical of a friend’s daughter…something I would have never done had I not put him on “the list”  a few days before.

       One last thought…  I’m a blogger and if you haven’t already picked up, deeply relational.   I got an e-mail last week from Lori   encouraging me to embrace this relational bent in my life, rather than to always  second guessing it.     (Thank you Lori…I was listening)   

      I’ve been sharing my heart  for 22 months via this blog.    This past year we got to meet 2 fellow bloggers in the flesh.    To have someone read my stuff on a regular basis  and still want to meet me…talk about unconditional acceptance.  Probably needless to say but  they both made “The list.”

      Imagine hosting a party with all the people from “Your  list” there at the same time.  

       (besides your funeral) 

     How do you measure the depth of your relationships?

     Thoughts, comments, questions?

Jesus and The Belly Dancer

    Last night was a first for me.   I saw my first Celtic pub band, a belly dancer, (didn’t actually see her belly )  a River dance maiden and  Lego Man, all at one place.  The highlight of my night was when  Wylde Nept    took the stage, they looked like this: 

     They even  had cocoa nuts.

     As we were sitting there about 2 hours past my bed time, a moderately drunk young woman comes over  to our table and asks if we were college professors.  (Iowa City is a college town, and I guess in her mind, we had to  be teachers if we were at this place  this time of the night.  

    I’ve talked about this before, but  some of my favorite people to hang out with are your  non churchy types- bikers, people covered with tattoos, you get the idea.

       I think it has something to do with the type of people  I work with.  I’ve discovered,  beneath their (sometimes)   tough exterior most construction workers have a soft heart.    I LOVE to get to know and discover the person behind the mask. 

       Speaking of masks,  last night happened to be an early Halloween party, which explained some of the get ups  we saw, but not all of them.

    Melissa (the friend who invited us out on the town)  mentioned we might  see some belly dancing to the Irish pub music.

      Some of you are probably thinking to yourself, now how does that work???  Well, it works better than you might think.

   Here’s your chance to try a new feature on my wordpress blog…you get to vote  :-) 

    If you do vote, feel free to leave a comment and tell me why you voted the way you did.

Generous To A Fault…Is It Possible?

       I need some Input.  Is it possible to be too generous?  Where is the happy medium?

     

      I have no trouble charging what I need to charge when it comes to my construction business.   If I’m asked to bid on a job, I work up a fair price, if I get the job I get it, if someone wants to do it for less- let them.  Simple, right?   Why is it, then that I can’t apply that same straight forward non emotional decision making process to our other business ventures?

     We have a small Bed and Breakfast business that we run out of our home now that our children have grown.   We do it as much for a tax write off, and a chance to do a little hospitality  as for generating income.  I’ve written before about opening our home to musicians who happen to be traveling through the Midwest.  When I heard one musician was looking for a gig, we wrote them  and told them while we couldn’t host another concert so soon after our last one, they were more than welcome to crash @ our place for a day or two…I would never have thought about making that offer and then say, Oh, by the way, it will cost you just $80.00 per night…you know what I mean.  Based upon some other B and B’s in our area, we could be charging another $15 to $20.00 per night…but then again, there are other ones that are not charging as much as we are…so that’s why we’ve set our rates @ what they are.

     We also have a small apple orchard (this years crop is about 30 bushels) which eventually should produce between 150- 400 bushels a year.    I see it as a hobby, I love to prune, spray, and  pick, it doesn’t feel like work for me, more of a way to unwind.  I put an add in the local paper this week- $1.00 a pound which is cheap compared to what they are charging in the grocery store for some varieties, and yet, I struggle with charging much more until we have the volume to actually have something to offer to the public. 

         In doing some historical research this past year about Lyman Dillon, it was said, he was “generous to a fault”.  He never got rich, because he was always helping out other people.  When I read about him, I thought to myself..he sounded  a lot like me… (I can tell you right now, at the rate I’m going, I too will “never be rich.”  I tend to give it away almost as fast as I can accumulate it…any suggestions?