Appointment with Love

I can still remember a Christmas eve , doesn’t seem that long ago…I was @ my grandparents, talking with my Uncle Bill.  I remember telling him I wished I had a girl friend…

There were absolutely no prospects on the horizon…none...nada…

He told me, you never know…that special someone might be just around the corner…

Would you believe I bumped into her less that two months later..

So my encouragement to you my fellow blog reader if that is your situation…

Don’t give up!~

The following story is for you

Sending you a Christmas Blessing.  DM

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      Six minutes to six, said the great round clock over the information booth in Grand Central Station.  The tall young Army lieutenant who had just come from the direction of the tracks lifted his sunburned face, and his eyes narrowed to note the exact time.  His heart was pounding with a beat that shocked him because he could not control it.  In six minutes, he would see the woman who had filled such a special place in his life for the past 13 months, the woman he had never seen, yet whose written words had been with him and sustained him unfailingly.

     He placed himself as close as he could to the information booth, just beyond the ring of people besieging the clerks…

      Lieutenant Blanford remembered one night in particular, the worst of the fighting, when his plane had been caught in the midst of a pack of Zeros.  He had seen the grinning face of one of the enemy pilots.

     In one of his letters, he had confessed to her that he often felt fear, and only a few days before this battle, he had received her answer: “Of course you fear…all brave men do.  Didn’t King David know fear?  That’s why he wrote the 23rd Psalm.  Next time you doubt yourself, I want you to hear my voice reciting to you, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for Thou art with me.”  And he had remembered;  he had heard her imagined voice, and it had renewed his strength and skill.

     Now he was going to hear her real voice.  Four minutes to six.  His face grew sharp. 

       Under the immense, starred roof, people were walking fast, like threads of color being woven into a grey web.  A girl passed close to him,  and Lieutenant Blanford started.  She was wearing a red flower in her suit lapel, but it was a crimson sweet pea, not the little red rose they had agreed upon.  Besides this girl was too young, about 18, whereas Hollis Meynell had frankly told him she was 30.  “Well, what of it?” he had answered.  “I’m 32.  He was 29.

     His mind went back to that book- the book the Lord Himself must have put into his hands out of the hundreds of Army  library books sent to the Florida training camp.  Of Human Bondage, it was; and throughout the book were notes in a woman’s writing.  He had always hated that writing-in habit, but these remarks were different.  He had never believed that a woman could see into a man’s heart so tenderly, so understandingly.  Her name was on the book-plate  Hollis Meynell.  He had got hold of a New York City telephone book and found her address.  He had written, she had answered.  Next day he had been shipped out, but they had gone on writing.

     For 13 months, she had faithfully replied, and more than replied.  When his letters did not arrive, she wrote anyway, and now he believed he loved her, and she loved him.

     But she had refused all his pleas to sent him a photograph.  That seemed rather bad, of course.  But she had explained: “If your feeling for me has any reality, any honest basis, what I look like won’t matter.  Suppose I’m beautiful.  I’d always be haunted by the feeling that you had been taking a chance on just that, and that kind of love would disgust me.  Suppose I’m plain (and you must admit that this is more likely) Then I’d always fear that you were going on writing me only because you were lonely and had no one else.  No, don’t ask for my picture.  When you come to New York, you shall see me and they you shall make your decision.  Remember, both of us are free to stop or go on after that- whichever we choose…”

      One minute to six- he pulled hard on the cigarette.

     Then Lieutenant Blanford’s heard leaped higher than his plane had ever done.

     A young woman was coming toward him.  Her figure was long and slim; her blond hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears.  Her eyes were blue and flowers, her lips and chin had a gentle firmness.  In her pale green suit, she was like springtime come alive.

     He started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was wearing no rose, and as he moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips.

      Going my way soldier?” she murmured.

      Uncontrollably, he made one step closer to her.  Then he saw Hollis Meynell.

      She was standing almost directly behind the girl, a woman well past 40, her greying hair tucked under a worn hat.  She was more than plump; her thick-ankled feet were thrust into low-heeled shoes.  But she wore a red rose in a rumpled lapel of her brown coat.

     The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away.

     Blanford felt that though he were being split in two, so keen was his desire to follow the girl, yet so deep was his longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companion-ed and upheld his own; and there she stood.  Her pale  plump face was gentle and sensible;  he could see that now.  Her gray eyes had a warm, kindly twinkle.

     Lieutenant Blanford did not hesitate.  His fingers gripped the small, worn, blue leather copy of Of Human Bondage, which was to identify him to her.  This would  not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even rarer than love- a friendship for which he had been and must ever be grateful.

     He squared his broad shoulders, saluted and held the book out toward the woman, although even while he spoke, he felt shocked by the bitterness of his disappointment.

      “I”m lieutenant John Blanford, and you- you are Miss Meynell.  I’m so glad you could meet me.  May…..may I take you to dinner?”

      The woman’s face broadened into a tolerant smile.  “I don’t know what this is all about, son,” she answered.  “That young lady in the green suit- the one who just went by- begged me to wear this rose on my coat.  And she said that if you asked me to go out with you, I should tell you that she’s waiting for you in that big restaurant across the street.  She said it was some kind of a test.  I’ve got two boys with Uncle Sam myself, so I didn’t mind to oblige you.”  Sulamith Ish-Kishor

from A  3rd serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul.

No more shame

“I’ve thought about every word you said,” Dan told me on Friday….and the shame is gone…completely gone. I haven’t felt this light and free in years.“

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End of November I (Douglas)  spent an extended weekend high in the mountains of Colorado at a men’s retreat working through some issues.   I wasn’t sure quite what to expect as I got there, I told someone later, I felt like I was going to have a “spiritual colonoscopy”

Colon cancer runs in our family, so I’ve had the “opportunity” to be scoped on more than one occasion. Once you hit 50, it’s recommended everyone get’s one of these, but if you’re like most chickens (I mean people)  we put it off and put it off…the thing is, if you catch the polyps early it is a very treatable cancer..the problem comes when you wait….

So too, in life,  personal  issues that are ignored usually don’t  just magically go away…they tend to grow and fester…so early on in our marriage, when  I found myself completely stuck and confused,  at a point of desperation, I reached out for help.  It taught me a valuable lesson.  Why  should I  spend months (or years)  struggling with the same old crap  when an answer may be forthcoming in  a 60 minute conversation if I have the gut’s and I’m humble enough to say “I’m stuck, I have a problem…can  you help?”

This stuff was never modeled for me growing up.  I’ve had to learn it the hard way.

So, over the years in our marriage, and through the turbulent teenage years, we’ve proactively sought out help, whenever it became obvious, we were over my heads…after the 2nd or 3rd issue, it isn’t really that much different from  making an appointment to see the dentist if you have a toothache….

I am not at liberty at the present to talk about specifics..there may come a day in the not too distant future where I will write about it but not yet…    Some long standing, buried, pain has been  coming to light this Summer and Fall, and I decided to step up to the plate and deal with it head on…hence my trip to Colorado.

Most of us have painful “stuff” in  our lives no one else knows about…I don’t have to list it here…if you have it, then you know what I’m talking about.  Well, stop for just a second and try to imagine the sting of that pain being gone…not just suppressed but gone…..

After my trip to Colorado,   I  happened to tell Dan about some of the radical  emotional freedom I was  experiencing…I wasn’t  even aware of the hurts in his life…he trusted me enough to tell me his story He told me he had been having flash backs and night mares…dark shameful memories had dogged him for years…. I listened, and encouraged him…and hadn’t thought any more about our conversation..then he told me on Friday,  “I’ve thought about every word you said,”….and the shame is gone…completely gone. I haven’t felt this light and free in years.“

I have no idea who may stumble across this particular blog post at some point.  God has an amazing way of allowing people’s paths to cross in the most serendipitous fashions….anyway, if you’re reading this and are at a broken stuck place in your life and need someone to talk to…(or are not there currently but have something to add to this conversation, let me know)

Time to get moving.  Sincerely,   DM

 

If you’re feeling trapped

Maybe you are

We just got home  from a  family reunion..

Seeing most of these people only every 2 or 3 years gives me the  a sense I’m watching  time-lapsed photography…

I used to internally  cringe at these get togethers.

I would compare our families life choices with the other young families in the mix.

5 of the cousins are either Dr’s or have married Doctors.  I suspect several of the Aunts and Uncles are millionaires…

And then there was our family

My wife chose to stay at home as  our  kids came along…

which meant shopping @ Goodwill and garage sales for the kid’s clothes

Renting instead of owning

Driving an older car

bread from the day old store….

you get the picture.

There are lots of people in the world who have it a 100 times tougher..that I know..

but still, it’s so easy to fall into the comparison trap.

Now, 30 years later, our kids are grown,

wife and I are still in love

I’m still working at a job that energizes and stimulates me most days.

money is still tight, but for the most part we are out of debt….

And those earlier choices don’t seem so stupid any more…

I came across the following description in a book a few weeks ago, that described our life to a T:

     “My grandparents lived a simple country life.  They were totally self-sufficient, tilling a small piece of land and raising their own food….there was a sense of unhurriedness  and simple pleasures.  All the money in the world couldn’t buy such luxury in today’s world.  It is not for sale.   You have to create it….

It is unlikely you can ever totally escape from this high-stress world.  We are all on the same train….but to preserve your sanity and achieve a healthy life, you have to make some choices and resolve to live a balanced life.  By a “balanced” life, I mean, that like a marathon runner, you must learn how to pace yourself.  You give it all you’ve got going uphill and rest as much as you can going downhill.  You try to balance the drain on your energy so you can “go the distance”

From the book The Anxiety Cure by Archibald Hart

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As I listened to some of the stories this past weekend, I couldn’t help but think about an article I recently read  about rats,   overcrowding and stress.

Because some (not all)  of  my successful relatives are living under a lot of self-imposed stress, .and I thought to myself but are they happy?

They may be making big bucks, but at what cost?

Here’s a link  to that article  if you’d like to read it.      Rat Study

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If you hear a still small voice calling you to get out of the rat race don’t just ignore it.

It may be the voice of God.

And He can make a way.

I know what you’re thinking…

There is nobody in your life who would understand…

But here’s the deal…30 years from now, you will not regret it….

“If you make it to the top of the company ladder, but loose your family in the process, you are a fool.”

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Sorry if this comes across as a little intense.  I don’t mean to be.  DM

I know I could decieve her…

…”A few years ago I had been away from home for many weeks on a long trip and had been with people constantly.  I was desperate3 to get away from people for a while.  So when I got on the plane I sat in an aisle seat.  The middle seat was vacant and the window seat was occupied by a young woman.  As we waited for the plane to take off,  I retreated as deeply as possible into a book I was carrying.  It was purely an anti-social maneuver.  But my traveling companion wanted to talk.  She asked, ” What are you reading?”

“A book,” I replied.

“What is the name of it?” she asked.

“Psycho-cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz,” I said.

“Do you study psychology?”

“No”

Everything was monosyllables.  By then the engines were running and we were beginning to taxi down the runway.  She kept at it.  I had a head cold and could hardly hear.  Finally, I closed the book and moved to the vacant seat between us, and we began to converse.

I soon realized what she really had in mind was to find a companion.  Going straight to the point, I said, ” I travel a lot and many times I am lonely.  I often encounter temptations to be unfaithful to my wife.  But I’ve decided it’s not worth it.  I know I could deceive her, but the basis of our relationship is our mutual love and confidence.  She trusts me, and I trust her.

I’ve lived long enough to realize that meaning in life is not found in seeing what I can get away with, or in bigger achievements, or in a position, or in how my leisure time is spent.  I’ve learned that meaning is found in relationships.  Consequently, I don’t intend to destroy the best relationship I have.  If I came home having been unfaithful to my wife, even though she might not perceive it, and even though I could keep it from her, I’d know.  She would come to me with her blind confidence and I’d have to somehow create a distance between us.  We’d be pulled apart and she would never know why.  Soon we would be strangers living together under the same roof.”

The ones who would pay most heavily would be my wife and children.  That strikes me as the height of selfishness.”

She was dumbfounded!~

Then she began to open up.  She said, “I”m twenty-four years old.  I ought to be getting married, but all my married friends have affairs and if that’s the way it is, I don’t want it.  When my friends go away for the weekend, their husbands are soon knocking at my door.  They are like little boys.  I just don’t think I could handle it if my husband were like that.”

Then she added, “I’ve never heard ideas like yours.  Where do they come from?”

“You’d laugh if I told you.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” she said.

“I got them from the Bible,” I said.  I went on to explain to her what the Christian message is and how it changes a person so he can get his life in order.  By then we were about to land.  What frustration!  We were in the middle of my explanation.  She was intensely interested in every word, but we had to quit.

As the passengers moved into the aisle, I let her go on ahead.  When I came off a bit later and walked up the concourse, I passed her standing with a circle of about ten of her friends who had come to meet her.  They were the ones she had told me about on the plane.  She stopped me and made the rounds of introductions.  I stood there for at least ten minutes while she related our conversation to them. …

excerpt from a book by Jim Peterson

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I (DM) have been chewing on this book the past couple of days.

What does  trust look like in  a marriage relationship?

Integrity…

Who am I when no one is looking?

Priorities….What are the most important things  in my life?

Temptations…

Internet relationships…

Grandpa you were wrong

Don’t

Surrender

Your loneliness so quickly.

Let it cut more

Deep.

Let it ferment and season you

As few human

Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight

Has made my eyes so soft,

My voice so

Tender….

from the poem “My Eyes So Soft”  by Hafiz

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For years I’ve  been intrigued by the issue of loneliness.

I’m very relational, and on those occasions where the winds of loneliness did  blow through my soul I HATED  it.

Yes, even when you’re in a great marriage, on occasion a person still can experience the angst of loneliness.

On the morning of my wedding I stopped by my grandpa’s house after I got my hair cut to say “Hi”

He’d been married for over 50 years by this time.

We talked about marriage.

 He told me : “After three months,  it’s all work”

He gave me the impression, the romantic feelings I was feeling were not going to last.

That was 33 years ago this weekend.

4 children later….

We still like to hold hands,

Read to each other

and  are very much in love

Mrs DM is taking off on a trip to help out with the grand kids tomorrow.

She’ll be gone for 5 days.

I miss her already.

If you’ve been a reader of my blog for very long, you know I’m a big U2 fan…

Some couples have a song that captures their relationship…

here’s ours….

The picture below was taken on our 25th anniversary.

We still look pretty much the same today.  Mrs. DM’s hair is a little more gray and mine,

well, I don’t have  as much.

Still rock’n after 33 years.

My lover, my wife

“Have ye leisure, comfort, calm, shelter, food, loves gentle balm? Or what is it ye buy so dear with your pain and with your fear?” Percy Bysshe Shelley

Wednesday morning wife and I had an appointment with Marilyn, a friend and Christian counselor. I went in to work for a couple of hours then met them at her office. As I got out of my truck I felt like the Thanksgiving turkey walking into the butcher shop.

gobble gobble

These things were going through my mind:

#1 I am not going to play any mind games, I am going to own up to anything that comes out of this session where I am in the wrong.

#2 Lately, God has shown me how completely he sees into my heart. There’s a verse in scripture “Before him no creature is hidden but all are open and laid bare to the eyes of him with whom we have to do..” He sees into every nook and cranny, and still he loves me.

99.9% of the time he is just a silent observer, but once in a while something will happen to show me that yes he does know about X Y or Z, and I’m just fooling myself if I think otherwise.

#3 Marriage takes work.

Like tending a garden in Iowa. After that initial excitement , the weeds start to show up. If too many days go by, I can’t even see the stuff I planted. Wednesday was “weed pulling time.” My eldest asked me last week,” Are you going to write mom a letter ?” (referring to the series I’ve written to my children) We will mark 33 years of marriage this coming April. Our children range in age from 31,30, 25, and 23.

For the record, our relationship rocks. It has not happened by accident. Talk to 10 different couples and I’m guessing they will tell you 10 different things on what is the key to their relationship. For me, I would say it’s an intentional choice to make our relationship a priority over any other area of either one of our lives..

over being a parent (the best gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage),

over our jobs which some of us love as much or more than any lover,

over ministry.

Throw in large doses of forgiveness, humility, honestly and kindness and there’s a good chance you’ll do just fine….

Now to my letter…

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To my best friend and soul mate, Thank you for saying “Yes” so many years ago. It is hard to believe over 30 years have passed since the night I popped the question. There are so many things about you that I am attracted to…like I said the other morning, at the top of the list is your kind and gentle spirit..and I’m not just blowing smoke. Just last week I was looking in your eyes. Felt like I was noticing how grey they were for the first time. I love the way we continue to discover new things about each other. Won’t get all mushy for you on the blog…will save the rest over coffee…

XXXX Your farm boy

ps the picture above was taken when we were on the West Coast visiting our daughter…we were looking out to the ocean…made me think later it was like the two of us were standing side by side, looking to the future, the sea was a little rough, it was overcast..there we were, standing side by side, facing the future, come what may.

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pss this one was originally written in 2008.  Since it’s been a while and buried in the archives, thought I would repost it for some of my new readers. DM

I’ve sometimes secretly wondered…..

I’ve sometimes secretly wondered if there wasn’t something a little “weird” in our marriage.

(Not to worry…I told my wife this on Thursday) ….after reading the following article.

Here’s what weird:  we’re coming up on 32 years of marriage  this April and we  still experience  lots of romantic feelings for each other.

  I am not lying. 

 The “sizzle” is still there.

Not going to get all TMI  on you here.

But after reading this recent column by Andree Seu  I felt a lot better…

(I’ve reposted it below)

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Superlative Song

Scripture has a powerful response for those who think God dislikes romance

The  Song of Songs stands through the centuries, as an immovable testimony of God’s intention for man and woman.  It is a rebuke to our tiny loves, a constant goad to our lackluster marriages.  It calls drifting and depleted couples back to the Creator’s ideal: Do not settle for less than joy.  It is far from a manual, and yet in its poetry it shows how the secrets of connubial bliss are found in the readily available commodities of openness, verbal affirmations, playfulness, occasional getaways, committed oneness, and working through trials.

      We thought we had made too much of love when we had made too little of it.  We thought our songs too charged with passion when they had fallen short.  Our honeymoons are a mere two weeks when God had suggested a year:  “When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty.  He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife who he has taken.”  Deut. 24:5

     The ancients, embarrassed by the Song, stripped it clean of scents and touches.  It is no shabby proof of divine inspiration that when the smoke cleared on the canon in the mid-third century, the Song was still there.  Cyril of Alexandria (376-444) made the two breasts of the Shulamite the Old and New Testaments.  The bearded ones were right that the Song is about Christ, but it is about Christ via the erotic love of husband and wife (“This mystery is profound”- Ephesians 5:32)

Painting by Domenico Morelli depicting the Song of Songs

     For some of us, the Song is not only helpful but essential.  It gives permission to be as in love as you want to be.   It destroys the notion that God grants romance as a concession but holds His nose.  It debunks the notion of love sickness as a brief biological agitation for the prosaic purpose of perpetuation of the species.  If your marriage passes from intoxication into humdrum cohabitation, it is not God’s idea.  Put away from you the fatalists who say, “Romance is a flame that dies but companionship is its consolation. ”  Put away those who believe that “letting yourself go” after the ring is on is normal.  Not from heaven does such counsel come.  “At your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” (Psalm 16:11)

      The Shulamite brings warning:  ”I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem….that you do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. ”  (vs2:7, 3:5, 5:8 8:4)  She is so very much in love with this man that she doesn’t want her friends to forfeit this experience by forcing love prematurely, by taking matters into their own hands.  (also note the emotional price tag for love- 3:1-5; 5:2-8.)

     The “daughters of Jerusalem” are cheerleaders, for our sakes.  This love affair enjoys the approval of objective onlookers and is not some tawdry tryst that must keep a nervous lookout for men and from the light.

      Tend your marriage, even if you think it is too late.  There is wonder-working healing in a touch, a look, a word, an unexpected embrace.  Nor is it artificial to work on love.  C. S. Lewis reminds us that a garden is no less beautiful for needing to be weeded and fussed with (The Four Loves)

      “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards.”  (2:15)   What are the little foxes but our inconsiderateness, laziness, resistance, hard-heartedness, and above all unbelief?  Believe in love, for love is of God.  Everything in the universe is arrayed on its side.

     The world has had many songs since the world began, but this one is the Song of Songs.  The Hebrew construction in the superscript indicates the superlative.  Tell me what is more superlative , if you know.  Whatever you propose, the daughters of Jerusalem will spurn it and will say:  “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave.  Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord.  Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.  If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.” (8:6-7)

Andree Seu February 26, 2011 World Magazine

My Fork In The Road

     

     ” Integrity demands congruence between what I believe and how I act.” 

   Those words jumped off my computer screen last week.    Karen, a fellow blogger   was talking about  the tension in her heart between what she believes and  her  sometimes conflicting feelings. 

      Little did she know I was in the middle of my own test.

        Religious people are notorious for their  hypocrisy , that’s why her words were such a breath of fresh air.   There are    plenty of examples of hypocrisy in every  world religion.  It’s not just a problem in the Christian community by the way. 

  see this for example     But that’s not really where I wanted to go with this one.  

        A couple of weeks ago, my wife was going to be out-of-town for  a couple of days.  I asked her if she would be willing to be my accountability partner in my use of the Internet.    I’ve written in the past about looking @ inappropriate material on the  Internet here,  and here  so while I’ve been keeping a leash on this one, anyone who struggles with certain life issues will tell you, about the time you say, “I’ll never do that again,”  doesn’t  understand the depths of their own human depravity, hence my desire for accountability.

      Well, @ some point  while I was home alone,

Ever hear of the acronym  (H A L T)?  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

       I rationalized to myself, while I had said, I wouldn’t look @ anything inappropriate, I never said I wouldn’t read something suggestive…so, you guessed it,  I stumbled. 

      If you see nothing wrong with filling your mind with sensual words and pictures then none of this will make any sense to you, and that’s fine.   (that’s  a bunny trail which will have to wait for another day )

     So now what?     I found myself dreading having to look into my wife’s eyes and telling her what I’d done while she was gone.  Sure I could have lied, but I’m a rotten liar and that would have only compounded  the situation.

    Then I thought about how to answer her inquiry in such a way that technically I didn’t lie.  ie. “I didn’t look @ any suggestive images..”  

       I know that sounds lame but I’m not the first person whose tried to pull that one…” but I didn’t inhale”   and “I didn’t have sex with that woman”

    This inner conflict went on for four days.  

       In the end, she did ask me and I told her the truth.   There were so many things  hanging in the balance in a situation like this.

  Trust,

 Integrity,

 A clear conscience,

 A healthy fear of the Lord,

The reluctance to humble myself

Self loathing,

Self respect,

The need for forgiveness

I was miserable those four days. 

 I can’t put a price tag on my  personal  peace of mind.

As always, thanks for checking up on me.   DM

31 years on the anvil of life

       I looked @ my wife Wednesday  as we sat in  bed sipping on our morning coffee  and said-  ”Can you believe  it was thirty-one years ago today we were married?”

      We spent some time reflecting on some of the stuff we’d been through,  It has not been a smooth ride.

        It started on our honey moon.  She got her period on day 2.

 Day three wife says to me-  “I need some time alone.” 

  Say what????  

     I can still remember those stupid little ducks running around the lakeside cottages near Hot Springs Ark.   Duck crap on the ground, wife wanting to be by herself- not exactly my idea of the perfect honeymoon

     Six month  later,   wife is in the  midst of daily  vomiting.   She had it bad.    This pattern would repeat itself  every time she became pregnant.

      I said to her Wednesday -  “How in the world did you do it with 4 little ones?????!!!”  

   She said,”  When I was pregnant with  JD , I would have to take Pinky (who was a toddler) into the bathroom with me  so I could keep an eye on her when I felt sick.”

    I (DM)  remember  feeling overwhelmed with the added expense of  diapers, baby formula,  medical bills.    I  had no idea  what  my wife’s days were like.

       The 3rd year of marriage we moved next door to the County Care Facility-  It was home not only to the elderly but  people with  issues.  Dave wasn’t mentally retarded so I figured all he needed was a little encouragement.   I would invite him over Monday nights to talk.     We would sit around our little kitchen table,  drinking  chocolate milk, trying to get to the bottom of Dave’s problems while my two young daughters flitted in and out of the kitchen. This went on for 2 years. 

There was never any change in his life.  

     I came home from work one day.   My wife looked at me  and said, “Dave came over uninvited today.”-

      Not good. 

    I went over to the care facility and chewed him out.  He knew he wasn’t supposed to be coming over unannounced.  The more time I had spent with him, the more convinced I was  there were things going on in his life that were beyond me.   Come to find out later, he  got in trouble with the law doing some inappropriate stuff with young boys….hummm

   As our kids hit the teen years, that’s when it really   hit the fan.  Cindy  ran away when she was 14.     Our third daughter  battled a  mysterious medical issue  for a year  before the Dr diagnosed it as panic attacks.

     I remember standing in the Dr’s office during this season of our lives   feeling like an elephant was stepping on my chest.  It was stress.  A couple of years later, one of the girls was sexually assaulted.    I can still remember taking her to the emergency room and making a  statement to  the police.   I  wanted  to find the young man  and break both of his legs.   I didn’t want to kill him-  just get his attention.   

    I recently told a friend who is an atheist  “Christians are far from perfect. If you  ever run  into  one  that claims to be, stay as far away from him as you can  because he is  lying.”

     Too often, people of faith are guilty of  portraying their lives as one big success story.   They mistakenly believe that to allow others to see them struggle will somehow  lessen their credibility, when in reality I believe the opposite is true. 

     We have a dear friend who recently lost her husband of 35 years.  She  and her husband have been the  couple  we’ve turned to  when we’ve needed some help working through an issue.  She told us  she had been  invited to get together recently with 5 other widows-   she  came away from their conversations  very frustrated.   All they wanted to talk  about was the positive.  What  she longed for was have someone ask her how she was  really doing.  She asked one of the women a pointed question about her own grief and  she didn’t know what to say.     

      Here’s a toast to living life more authentically.

    I have to tell you one last story. 

     A few years ago,  we became friends with a single mom.  Things started out great.  She added a whole new dimension to our lives.  Then things started to get wierd…that’s all I’ll say about it except for this:      That relationship brought more stress into our lives than the other 25 years combined.

     My wife said to me Wednesday  my eyes still twinkle when I look at her.  I would have to say the same about her.

      I just finished reading the rough draft of this to my wife and here’s  what she said:  “That is just some of the ”stuff”  and secondly-  You did want to kill him- “

    As always, thanks for reading my stuff.  DM

   

Straight talk to my future Son-in-law

     

     Three young women call me their dad.  One is  married  and two are living with someone.  Since they’re not married and  only God  knows if they’re the one, I’m writing this letter to the future young men who  are thinking about becoming part of our family.

          My  children are my  greatest treasure- next to my relationship with my wife- and the person they pick as their mate has major, major  implications for  their lives.      

         We have a prayer we call the “wedge prayer” in our home- It works like this-  If one of the kids (or even us as parents) developes a friendship that is  toxic,  consistently bringing them down, we ask God to “drive a wedge” between the two of them, cause them to come to their senses- we don’t nag, we don’t preach, we don’t manipulate.    I’ve seen Him answer this prayer twice.

   I like my coffee black, whiskey straight  and important conversations that don’t beat around the bush, so here we go…..

    At some point in your marriage, you’re going to run into a brick wall- probably several the first 15 to 20 years of your relationship.   So  get used to the idea that a great marriage takes work.  If you’re not  interested in a great marriage, I’m trusting my daughter finds  that out before she walks down the aisle . 

   So let’s talk about what to do when you run into a brick wall. 

Brick wall:  Unresolved problem  and conflict in your home…financial, parenting, sexual, hobbies, work related, depression, grief, addictions, emotional issues- the list is endless

     This is what my daughter saw modeled so she’s probably hoping you man enough to do the same.  If there’s an elephant in the room, pretending it’s not there doesn’t cut it. 

      One of your responsibilities if you’ve decided to be a husband is to be a servant leader- doesn’t mean you steam roll your way over my daughter- marriage is a joint venture-  Look up the word “husband” and see what it means.  So what’s a leader to do when he’s faced with an unresolved problem?- you ask  for help

        If you can’t “fix it” between the two of you, then call in an expert.  There is no shame in saying “I don’t know”-  no body is an expert in every area of life- especially when it comes to the complexities of interpersonal relationship.  When my computer starts giving me fit, after I try all the little tricks I know, I haul it into the shop-  when my hammer drill needs work, I haul it into the  tool repair man.  If the furnace won’t heat, we’re not out of fuel and  the breaker’s not  tripped, I call my  furnace guy…so why do some men refuse to pick up the phone when something in their home isn’t working?

  Two reasons- ignorance- they don’t know who to call

 pride- they’re ashamed they can’t fix it

or both.

My first two daughters

Daughter #3

 

 

Stay tuned- there’s more – ..DM