If you were my daughter, if you were my son…

Had a little drama on my other blog last night.

A mother  recently left a comment on a blog post sharing about the heartache she has been going through with an older son….well, Son got onto the computer that was still logged onto my post  her comment  was still visible.

He was not a happy camper.

Having personally experience 18 years of parental hell myself, ( it started when our oldest was about 14..and is only just now tapering off 19 years later as child #4 is finally getting his bearings)  I have some perspectives on parenting I wish I could have tapped into so many moons ago.

So for what it’s worth, if I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with this distraught mother (and her slightly dysfunctional son)  here is what I would tell them…

First to the Young man.

I would sit across the table , look him in the eyes and  say.. ” It’s time you grow up.   You need to move out and get a place of your own.  It’s going to be tough…financially and every which way..but the truth is, you do not appreciate what your parents have been doing for you  and you  need an  attitude adjustment.  I might (might have) considered letting you stay here a little longer if you had been willing to play by the rules of our home..but as it is, the drinking, smok’n and blatant disrespect for your mama is the last straw…. You need to be out by the end of the week.  period.”

“Mom…I know you love your little cub.. you love him dearly..unfortunately, at this point, he doesn’t feel it. and he will continue to disrespect you and break your heart until he comes to his senses.  and that may take getting to the end of himself.    When that finally does happen. he’ll be back and you’ll have a new son.”

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Parents..(especially moms) have a tendency to short circuit the natural consequences of of poor life choices ..the result is, our children continue to flop and flounder and get into all sorts of heartbreaking  situations…heartbreaking.  and we keep bailing them out... you need to stop.  if they get busted, let the natural consequences of their choices  unfold…period.

When I was in the middle of it all, there was a time when I felt like an elephant was stepping on my chest…the stress and pressure was crushing.  I told someone yesterday, I felt like I went through an emotional wood chipper.

I am not the same dad I was going into the parenting gig, 30 plus years ago.

I’ll never forget the time I sat across the table from my 14 yr old daughter who I had just brought home..she’d ran away for 3 days, had no intention of coming home..( I knew where she was, it was just a matter of reeling her in)…

I sat across the table looking @ her …anger, defiance rebellion,contempt written all over her face

She was our strong willed one….that rebelliousness needed to be broken… to break the rebellion but not break the spirit..  you can do it..in fact, if you don’t you will never have real peace…  so I gave her two options…put her in a girls school, or spend a week @ my cousins and his family..(which she really , really did NOT want to do either,for reasons I am not @ liberty to tell you)…. It was a watershed moment in our relationship.  She is still a strong willed young lady.  Yea, we went through a lot more after that, but @ least she knew if push came to shove, I was not going to back down.

I taught a high school shop class for a year…I discovered the same dynamics that made for healthy relationships with my older children also made for healthy relationships in the class room with a group of rowdy young men…

First they needed to know who was in charge…call it what you want, respect/ fear..maybe a little of both…

Secondly…love..they needed to feel that I genuinely liked them… and I did..

Once in a while, they would test me just to see if I was still in charge….

Here’s how it works in Realville :

teacher first- friend second..

Parent first- friend second.

boss first/ friend second.

Feel free to do otherwise   DM

 

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This post is still in a rough draft form, but wanted to post it, so I could get some initial feedback. DM

Parents in pain

This post is written to the Christian parent who finds themselves dealing with a prodigal child (or children).

Dear fellow parent,

As I sit  here this morning, our children range in age from 32 down to 25.  The last 17 years have felt like I’ve chopped my way through the Amazon jungles on foot.  Many, many times I felt lost, did not have a clue as to where I was at or if I were even heading in the right direction .

I have to tell you, once the overt rebellious stuff started happening, I realized there is are overly simplistic and   naive  schools of thought in the Christian camp about our children and  how to keep them from wallowing in all of the crap this world has to offer.

You can do it all right…not try to jam your faith down their throat,  be an approachable parent, willing to own up when you’re wrong,  involve them in good activities,  try your best to help them find good friendships, and avoid the bad ones, participate in youth programs, church, even send them away to  a Bible school…do it all, and  there is NO guarantee, they will still not chose  to shack up with some looser of a boyfriend or, binge drink till they black out...week after week.….

Then what are you going to do?

Nag?

preach ?

take them for counseling?

Second guess yourself?

….if only I had been more firm when I first noticed  she had a strong will!

Why didn’t I do a better job of looking into _________________(fill in the blank)

What do you do with the anger?  Because at some point,  besides feeling afraid for your dear child, there’s a good chance you’re going to be angry about something that has happened…maybe their blatant disrespect or sass, …maybe at someone they “love” , or are running around with…

What

To

Do

About

The

Anger???

As I sit here this morning 2 of our 4 children are still sexually active outside of marriage. (at least I’m 95% sure they are, they’d never tell us that is the case, but  it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to  connect the dots…

So, what is my role in their life, and what is my attitude with them as they continue to make choices that will bring them emotional pain, not to mention some STD or unplanned child, etc?

What do I do with the stuff  you feel?

Biggest help has been finding another parent that “get’s it” and rant together.

Nothing wrong with ranting.

Second thing… I can’t emphasize this strongly enough…

Nagging does not work

Getting angry with them does not work

See, deep down, they feel conflicted…and second thing..it’s not about you,  if sure feels like it is, I know but it’s not…it’s between them and God…

And at the end of the day, God has got to be the one to reel them in, and he is able.  I’ve seen it twice now..and there is a good chance they will have even more spiritual depth than their parents when it happens.

Keep the lines of communication open

Resist those  temptations to draw a line in the sand and say..if you do ________________,  then I’m through trying….

Nope, best thing you can do, is to find another adult and unload.

Couple of final thoughts…

If you kids do happen to turn out, right, don’t be to quick to take the credit..

I’m sitting here 17 yrs into the crisis called parenting older teens and I still have my joy, the kids still love to come home for visit,  2 out of 4 have found their way back spiritually, and the wife and I still love each other…nobody said parenting was a walk in the park.

Drop me a note if you need to talk.   DM

Who’s counting?

by Mary Pierce

Life’s a dream with Firstborn.  In his perfect nursery, we arrange educational toys by stage of development, sub-categorized by color.  Good books like his bookshelves according to the Dewey decimal system.

We order 100 copies of Firstborn;s hospital picture.  We gush.  “Did you ever see a cuter baby?

Every precious Firstborn moment is documented in his baby book.  The first real eye contact (“He looked at me!  He’s a genius!”  The first time he rolls over (Olympics, here we come!”)  His first word  (“Did you hear that?  Hippopotamus” clear as a bell!”_

We save his first shoes, film his first steps and preserve a curl from his first haircut.  We even shrink-wrap Firstborn’s first outfit, for Firstborn’s first born  to wear someday.

Ever ounce of Firstborn’s food is scrutinized for salt, fat and sugar content.  We puree fresh fruits and veretables and offer only whole grains and healthy cereals.  No junk food for our little one!

We record Firstborn’s growth on the “See How I’ve Grown” chart.  Month after month, we suspend him by his underarms, dangling him against the chart, his tiny toes barely brushing the floor, to preserve – and celebrate0 every  adorable quarter-inch.

Life is under control.

Number Two

Along comes Second Child.  We take the hospital picture, but by now we know the truth.  Newborns are kind of goofy looking – even ours.   Only the grandparents see the pictures.

We’re tired but try to valiantly to maintain that perfect atmosphere Firstborn enjoyed.  Feeding standards, however change.  WE puree less and purchase more.  Instead of daily nutritional balance, we try for weekly.

We are stunned as Second Child dismantles the educational toys.  She chews through the home library, finding picture books and the Encyclopedia for Babies equally tasty.

The growth chart reflects Second Child’s development in larger chunks: 1, 3, 6, 8 months and a year.  Her baby book is succinctly sums up her early stages of development:  She came, she saw, she destroyed.”

     Three’s a Charm

Enter Child Three.  We only thought we were tired before.  The Third-child Challenge hits the first time we have to get the whole family out the door.  It’s easier to herd worms.

Child Three has little archeological evidence to prove she exists.  Her hospital picture was lost in the chaos of life.

One photograph is eventually found stuffed into the binding  of her baby book, after the page recording her birth and first shots.  (the rest of the pages are blank)

Child Three appears on the growth chart at 7 weeks and 13 months.  The next mark is at 25 months and then nothing.

With three children food rules go out the kitchen door.   Our menu plan is simple:  Don’t open the same kind of can two days in a row.  Marshmallows become a food group.  To cover the nutritional bases, we toss an occasional chewable dinosaur vitamin into the morning bowl of Sugar Maxi-Bits.

     Home Sweet Home

As Child Three wrestles with the dog for a bologna sandwich that fell off the table, we dream about life before kids:  reading grown up books, watching movies with no animation.  Everything was under control.  Live was better wasn’t it?

We thought so, but somewhere between potty training and T-ball we changed our minds.  Control is highly overrated.  Maintaining a perfect atmopshere is exhausting and impossible – really impossible.

Life got better when we gave up trying to keep a perfect house and decided instead to create a home: an imperfect, sometimes crazy place where imperfect  people can live, grow, try, fail, laugh and love.  A place to belong.

A home with new rules:  Clutter keeps, kids don’t .  A little dir – even occasional chaos – never hurt anyone.  and every life, every season, every day, every moment is a gift.  Precious and brief.

One day we expect to have plenty of time for grown-up movies.  Life will have some semblance of order again.  And the house will be quiet.  Very, very quiet.

We’ll have plenty of time to marvel at how quickly these days have passed.  And we’ll have plenty of time to miss them.

____________________________________________________________________

(This was an article Mrs DM clipped out of an old Focus on the Family magazine.  I printed off a copy for a friend tonight (she has 3 little ones in tow, one was “grazing on the kitchen floor” when we stopped…Mrs DM reassured her, that it was OK and had this article to pass along….Wanted to share it with those of you with little ones.  DM)

Picture of my brother and I back in the day…I was a first born

Dad

Old newspaper clipping  dad running a transit

Dad worked  the equivalent of 2 full time jobs  all the while  I was growing up.

I don’t remember seeing much of him except on the weekends.

It wasn’t until  mom had a run in with cancer that priorities and family patterns started changing.

Definitely never heard “I love you” or  “I’m proud of you” those early years.   though I’m sure both were true…we just weren’t a verbal / “touchy -feely” family.  I didn’t really know what a hug was until I married into my wife’s family.

It wasn’t until I was  in my early 40′s that dad asked if he could take me out for breakfast on my birthday.

It was a stretch.

The only thing we felt comfortable talking about those first few birthdays  was work.

That year, Dad began taking all of my siblings out when our birthday’s rolled around.   He  wanted to invest in  and regain some of the ground lost from our youth.   A few years later, my siblings and I decided it would be good to take him out for breakfast on his birthday.

Siblings taking dad out for his birthday

Yesterday we had a surprise  party for his 80th birthday.  The four of us kids invited  people  he had worked with over the years to a buffet at the local truck stop.

He didn’t see it coming

 yesterday morning

I’m feeling nostalgic today….can you tell?

Here are some random things I’ve picked up from my dad.

#1  “Retirement is not in my vocabulary”  He is still working, though not quite as intensely as he did 10 years ago.  He was pouring concrete walls last Saturday morning with  my uncles crew at a dairy set up.  He loves what he does (farms 240 acres of ground and part-time  construction.)  Do what you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life

#2  “Look people in the eye when you talk to them, and have a firm hand shake.“  Yep.  If you ever meet me in person, expect both.  I got both of those traits from my dad.

#3  It is possible to love the same woman your whole life time.

Mom and dad celebrated 55 years together last Fall…and they still like each other.

#4   Real men have a spiritual dimension to their lives.     He is not just a “go through the motion” type  of guy.

I’ve watched him   wrestle with what  it means to bring your faith with you to the construction arena.

#5  I’ve definitely picked up the  “farming bug” and love for animal  from my dad.

#6 Heart of mercy.  Yep, got that one from him for sure. I remember one time, our family dog had taken a liking to fresh chicken. ie.  he got into the chicken house and killed several hens.   Dad took the dog out behind the barn to put him down…cause once a chicken killer/ always a chicken killer…that’s just how it works.   Dad came back in the house a few minutes later and said. he just didn’t have the heart to shoot the dog…it just sat there on its haunches, looking him in the eyes,  with a guilty look.

#7  “Your word is your bond.  If you tell somebody something, then by golly, you need to follow through on it.”  In the mid 1970′s  one of the local banks in our community decided to build .  It was built on a handshake between dad and the bank president.  I’m serious.  Things are still done around here on a handshake on occasion.

#8  If you win every job you bid, then you’re probably too low.   Profit is not a dirty word.  Regardless of what the politically correct crowd would have you believe today.

#9 Attitude.   There is power in a positive attitude….and I DO have some control on what I allow my mind to think on.

I remember dad reading Norman Vincent Peal’s book, the Power of Positive thinking….to this day, those thoughts are with me.

#10   Hair is sooooooooooo  over rated.  I’ve got my receding hair line from my dad and by the look of things, have passed it on to my son.

It’s never too late to set some new patterns in your life.   Even in your 70′s and 80′s you can do it if you want.  You really can.

Well, it feels like it’s about time for my power nap.   DM

If you’re a parent of a special needs child

 What I would tell you….

I sensed someone watching me as I comforted my daughter after a particularly traumatizing dentist appointment at the Children’s Hospital. I looked up and saw you staring at us from across the waiting lounge. I didn’t pay much attention, as I have grown accustomed to the curious eyes of onlookers. Our daughter was born 7 ½ years ago and after an abrupt lack of oxygen at birth, she changed the course of our lives forever. Perhaps, our lives unfolded exactly as they were meant to — they just didn’t unfold in the way we had imagined or planned.

I talked to my daughter, kissed her and hugged her. I was giving her a brief break before putting her through the next traumatic experience of the day ~ the car ride home. Having cerebral palsy is the least of her worries but this condition can turn a car seat into a torture chamber.

I stood up to gather our things, my daughter in my arms, and it was then that I noticed you were holding an infant. It was difficult to know for certain how old she was. I knew immediately, though, that you were one of us. I knew that only recently your life had changed drastically and you sat here in this Children’s Hospital wondering, “How did we get here?” I should have recognized that shocked stare because I once had it, too. And I assume that the man sitting next to you, looking equally tired and shocked, was your husband.

I made my way toward the doors and as I passed you, our eyes met and I smiled at you. You smiled back and for a moment I knew that you knew that I understood.

If I could, I would tell you although you might not believe it right now, you will be okay. I would tell you to dig deep within yourself because you will find the strength and resilience somehow and it will surprise you. I would tell you to honour your feelings and let the tears flow when they need to. You will need the energy for more important things than holding in emotions.

I would tell you that the man sitting next to you might cope differently and he might even want to run the other way. But I would tell you to hang on because he is scared and he really doesn’t want to leave you. I would tell you to look after yourself so that you can care for your daughter. Don’t underestimate the power of good nutrition, exercise, sleep, supplements and an empathetic therapist.

I would tell you that grief will come and it will confuse you because how can something that brings such joy also bring such sadness? I would tell you to let people into your lives to help you. Our children really do require a village to raise them. Access all of the services and resources available. Find someone who can learn how to care for your child so that you can have breaks and so you and your partner can go on dates… even little ones like a twenty minute stroll outside holding hands, sharing wine on the deck or even catching a movie.

I would tell you that you know your child best of all and no matter what you are told by the doctors and other professionals who will be a part of your life, YOU know the answers. You will teach them about your child. At times you will question the validity of your intuition but after a while you will become profoundly aware of how accurate your gut feelings are when it comes to your child.

I would tell you not to be a martyr. Caring for your child will require tremendous focus and unimaginable energy and it can burn you out and make you sick when you least expect it. I would tell you to let your guard down along the way so that you can stay healthy in your mind and spirit.

I would tell you to seek out other mothers like yourself. This is, indeed, the road less travelled and you will feel very alone along the way especially in the company of healthy children and their parents. Yes, you will feel very isolated but know that we are here. Sometimes you have to look a little harder but we are here. You can find us online, in support groups and wandering the halls of the Children’s Hospital.

I would tell you that you will know far too much about the human anatomy, neurology, gastro-enterology, feeding tubes, pharmaceuticals, and so on, than a mother should ever have to know. I would also tell you to do some research to inform yourself but be very careful not to be overwhelmed by the internet and all of the information available to you. Having some trust in what your child’s specialists tell you can be very grounding. Other mothers and fathers of children like ours can be a wealth of information.

I would tell you that this isn’t an easy life. It is tough: there is no doubt about it but you are very capable and the rewards are great. You may never see your child graduate from university, walk down the aisle or give birth to your grandchildren but you will feel pure joy when your child laughs for the first time at the age of 3 years and 8 months. You will celebrate the moment when you connect with your non-verbal child. You will call your spouse at work to tell him that she has gained 4oz. because weight gain is always a struggle with our children.

I would tell you that you will have to witness procedures and surgeries and suffering well beyond what any parent should ever have to bear. But, I would tell you that you will be courageous and comforting because your child will be experiencing far more suffering than any child should ever have to endure.

I would tell you that your life will not resemble the life you had planned. It will be as though you landed in Holland instead of Italy but after some time, you will adjust the dreams you had and this reality will be normal to you. You will dream new dreams.

I would tell you that you might find yourself staring death in the face during close calls. You will be asked to fill out DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) forms and although you might make decisions to not resuscitate in the event of a cardiac arrest, when the moment arises, you will panic to think that it could all come to an end. And I would tell you to not feel guilty in the darkest moments when you pray to God to take your child if it would mean the suffering would end. This might horrify you but know that your love for your child is so great that at times you will believe that death would be a blessing.

I would tell you that others will not get it. They can’t. This is a very unique and complex journey on all levels. We cannot expect anyone to get it. And I would tell you that people — the cashier at the grocery store or your insurance broker or even your hair stylist — will say stupid things like, “God only gives these special kids to special mothers” and “God will only give you what you can handle.” You will nod and smile but eventually you will look them right in the face and tell them that those simple maxims are a bunch of bullshit.

I would tell you that imagining your future will be bittersweet and may involve a Plan A and a Plan B. Plan A will be what you will do if your child outlives the predicted life expectancy set forth by the experts and Plan B will come into play if they do not. You will catch yourself casually discussing your future with the code phrases of Plan A and Plan B.

I would tell you that grief will creep up on you after years have passed and you least expect it like at a wedding when the father and bride have their first dance or when you hear a birth announcement. It will also creep up on you when you see yourself in a new mother who is just beginning this journey.

I would tell you that you will recognize her because she is you from 7 ½ years ago. And you will want to run to her and hug her and tell her that everything will be okay. You will want to save her from the pain and the hardship and the unknown.

But I would tell you that when you find yourself sitting at the Children’s Hospital and you see a new mom and dad who are just starting this journey, you smile at them and walk by as they have their own path to travel and it will be different than yours. It may be longer or shorter. It may be more or less complicated.

I would tell you that her searching eyes are looking for some sign that she will survive this. And you, smiling as you pass, with your child arching all over your shoulder, will let her know that yes, she will survive this and may even thrive.

Julie Keon
June 29th 2011

Julie Keon’s website is  here

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Our daughter Angie, posted a link to that letter tonight on facebook.  She and her husband Matt are the parents of two beautiful children.  Their youngest Rigg is a special needs child.

Driving Mr Rigg

She wants a rematch

Family picture taken around the time of the original race

  

She want’s a rematch

Eldest daughter and I raced  on the lawn at  Skyllands  manor  when she was 10 and I was in my early 30′s- 

I beat her

barely 

We were living in Northern New Jersey at the time.

She’s now a mommy herself with two little ones. 

She’s started working on her bucket list recently and beating me in a foot race is  on the list.

When I got wind of it I told her  I would race  her  again  any time

but she better do a little training first because I still have what it takes. 

 Maybe when I’m 80 and using a walker…

That’s all it took to put a fire under her butt.

I said, how about next June on your birthday?

Why not   go back to the original site?

So the gauntlet has been thrown down. 

I saw on her facebook status yesterday I think she’s taken the bait. 

The ironic thing is, she will be about the age I was when we first raced so if you’re not doing anything June 18th 2011 you’re invited to come and cheer. 

Here’s a picture of Skyland Manor:

Picture of the Manor

Here’s a link for directions on how to get there.

What do you think? 

 There is a little part of me that wants her to win,  but that would make for a hollow victory right?

I guess you’ll just have to come and see what happens.

Parents in Pain

       

      My parenting pain didn’t start until  1994.    Even though I’d watched my parents go through their struggles with prodigal children (myself being one) nothing prepared me for the emotional  roller coaster ride of the past 16 years.    Watching  my   sweet, precocious, little ones making life choices that had the potential to haunt them the rest of their lives has been brutal.

   Our children  began to act out as they hit 14 and  15.    Those years aren’t  all gloom and doom, I have some good memories   but family life has gotten more stressful  as each of the kids discovered the opposite sex. 

       Our eldest  is  herself now a mom,  funny how becoming a parent has a way of reeling us in sometimes.   (don’t you think Ang? ) 

       I won’t re-hash and vent  all of the heartache/ confusion/ anger/second guessing /  I’ve experienced and expressed again on this blog-  if you’re interested, just scroll back through the archives  and you can find plenty of angst. 

       Here are some things I would say to any parent who needs  hope:

       Unless God himself works in your child (Children’s)  heart (s) , then no amount of nagging, loving, worrying, praying, fretting,     you name it,  is  going to change your child.   I am more  convinced than ever,  we can do no good thing apart from God giving us the “want to”-  left to ourselves, all of us have a bent/ tendency toward wrong-   

     On the other hand, God is able to reach down into our lives and bring us to our senses- because isn’t that really whats happening when our kids  (or us as well )  make choices that destroy our lives?

      I’m sorry if I’m sounding a little preachy, I don’t mean to be.  For several months now, I have not been able to reconcile why  an all-powerful, loving God would not intervene as I’ve watched one immoral choice after another.   Frankly, I still don’t have an answer but  I am convinced he does exist, he does care and he is VERY  capable of getting my kid’s attention if and when he wants to do so. 

      My struggle has been in the realm of what is to be my response from situation to situation and  secondly, what to do with the anger- towards the kids and towards God. 

     To give a word picture, living with non stop heartache is like having a short in your electrical system in your car- it drains your battery.  You get to the point where you lose your bearings.

     Another thing- I am so thankful for the handful of parents, and friends (both locally and whom I”ve met via the Internet)  with whom I can really open up to.   If you have no one else to talk to, and  if all else fails, feel free to  leave me a comment-  I would love to interact with you.

       I think I may have turned the  corner on my own pain this morning.  Later- DM

Who is to say if it’s good or bad?

   

Once there was a farmer who  had one son and one horse.  One day his horse ran away.    When his neighbors heard about it, they came to comfort him.  “Such bad luck- we’re sorry your only horse ran away.” they said.

     “Who is to say whether it’s good or bad, replied the farmer.  All I can say for sure is, my horse has run away.  Time will tell whether this is good or bad.”   His neighbors just shook their heads and walk away.

      A week later, his horse returned home-  along with 20 wild horses!!!

    His neighbors, upon hearing the news, came to congratulate him.  “What good luck you have.  Not only did your horse return, but he brought with him 20 more.  Such a lucky man you are!”

      “Who is to say whether it’s good or bad-  All I know is my horse has come home along with 20 wild horses-  and leave it at that.”  Again, his neighbors shook their heads and  scoffed -  “Of course it’s good luck you old fool!  Twenty new horses is obviously good luck!”

     The next week the  farmer’s son was out riding in the pen with the new horses, fell off and broke his leg.  Upon hearing the news, the neighbors came over to comfort the farmer.  “You were right- Those wild horses were not a sign of good fortune- now your son has broken his leg- and right before the harvest.  Such bad luck!”

      Again the farmer replied- “Why do you constantly want to label something as good or bad.  Why can’t you just say, “My son has broken his leg while riding a horse and leave it at that.  Who is to say whether it is good or bad?”

       Upon hearing this, the neighbors were indignant- ” Listen old man, to have your son break his leg at this time is unfortunate and a sign of bad luck.  You are such a fool to think otherwise.”

       The following week, an army came to town and drafted all the eligible young men, and sent them off to war in a far away place.  They did not take the farmer’s son on account of his broken leg.  Afterwards, the people were heartbroken and came to the farmer in tears-  You were right-  our sons are gone, we’ll probably never see them again- such bad luck our town has experienced!. 

    The old farmer (again) said- ”Why do you continue to insist an event is good or bad?  We do not know the end from the beginning. Why can’t you just say, Our sons have been drafted, and only time will tell if it is good or not.

_________________________________________________________

    I (DM) have come across this story twice this  past year, and it continues to speak to me.   Wanted to pass it on to you. It reminds me so much of the story of Joseph (boy w/ coat of many colors) .  

        Last year, I bid on a new house, it was close to home, initially it sounded like I’d got the job- at the last-minute, another contractor underbid me.            

       Work was not real plentiful last Summer.  Long story short, the story of the farmer came to mind-  I’ve been in construction long enough (34 years)  to know sometimes you’re better off when you don’t get a job.  A month later, I was approached by  someone to help with a 24,000 sq ft warehouse- I would not have been in a position to help on the warehouse  had I been working on the 2400 sq ft house.  The house was an  8 week job, where as the warehouse will be an 8 month job.

        I’m a dad to 4 great kids (and adopted dad  to another young woman)  The youngest is 21 and the oldest is 34.  I’ve watched again and again  as God has used painful consequences to teach life lessons to my children.  I try not to get too worked up when I hear  some of the heartache that comes into their lives.

      A night in jail is not necessarily a bad experience…..

     I always told them- If you get busted, I’m not going to come and bail you out.”  “I never want to go back to that place as long as I live!!!”  they tell us later.    It took a while, but we as a family have laughed as this child has recounted the details of their experience in that night.

     Co-sign   with your live- in on a bed  (who  I said right along was  bad news.)   Then comes the  break up, Bad News  keeps bed,  defaults on the payments,  tanks  our kids credit score in the process…is this good or bad?  Well, that all depends-  The true colors of the “ex” have been exposed, and child is no longer in that emotionally abusive relationship…me thinketh some good has come out of it.   

   How about putting the apartment  phone in your name- while your “friends and room mates ” rack up hundreds of dollars of long distance phone calls and refuse to compensate you?    (along with some other poor financial choice) – is this good or bad?

     Flash forward to today- This child is much wiser financially it gives me joy to see  where they are today.

   Tell me about some of the hard things in your life that have eventually resulted in good.  As always, thanks for reading along! DM

Looking back at our decision to Home School 19 years later…

     

     Family photo in 1994

 I was not in favor of home schooling our 4 children for several years…for the same reasons people  today who don’t understand it usually give -

“What about Socialization? - I didn’t want our  children  to turn into  nerds  unable to make it in the “real” world. 

“What about extra- curricular activities like band,  football, school dances?”

“How are we  going to teach the subjects we’re not qualified to teach?”

What about college?

        In the end, it was the gentle persuasion of my wife that changed my heart to  take a year for the two of us to seriously research the idea and then make a final decision.  That was in 1991- 

     Here I sit 19 years later.

  As Paul Harvey used to say…this is the rest of the story.

         The first thing I discovered as I researched  the home schooling movement   was there was  more than one model on how to do it.  It was confusing.   The amount of information to assimilate was overwhelming. 

      If you were to come to me today and ask “where is a good place to start? – I would point you to Doctor Raymond and Dorothy Moore’s book  The Successful Home school Family Handbook  (it is a later version than the one we had back in 1991)- but from where I sit today, that is still the one I remember best for a general overview.  Get it- you won’t regret it.

      Secondly, our children ranged in age from 3 to 11 when we took over the job of teaching them.  Our oldest two had already completed the 4th and 5th grade in public school,  it took two or three  years for us  to find our rhythm. 

        Now feel free to duplicate a traditional educational model in your home, I know people who do- they get metal desks, they set up a room just like an elementary school room, the whole package,  like I said initially, that is one model of home education. 

     There’s also the classical model,   a  unit study model, a  dual enrollment model (where your kids take some of their classes at a local public or private school and some of their classes at home)

 Lots of experts, lots of good ideas.   At the end of the day, you need to find what works best for you. 
       I will tell you this, when we finally did start home schooling, it wasn’t too many months into it  before we all started to burn out- we were putting a lot of pressure on the kids and ourselves.

     Children  are naturally curious and love to learn (believe it or not) so when  that’s not happening- that is just like the check engine light coming on in your car-  you need to pull over and figure out what’s wrong.

         Our first year, we purchasing a curriculum package- put out by Christian Liberty Academy. http://www.homeschools.org/

     What I liked about their set up (and they’re not the only one on the market), was the fact they gave us a complete set of books for each student.  They offered a payment plan- so we could spread out the expenses over time.  And you could either buy just the books, or for an additional fee, have the  kids actually enroll through their school long distance.  I liked it the first year, it felt like we had a  safety net under us.

      Over the course of a couple of years, as our confidence grew, we began to design our own unit studies, and didn’t need that  net. 

      Here’s some final thoughts-  Home schooling is not for everyone….it’s not even necessarily for every child  in your home-   I can already hear  someone squawking about not letting the world shape your children- like I said, you need to find what works best for you.

       As our kids got into the 9th and 10th grade, we involved them in the decision process, whether to home school, go to public school or do a combination of the two, which in our state is called “dual enrollment”.  All of them dual enrolled, except our youngest, who decided to go to public school full-time once he hit 9th grade.  Since the 3 oldest only went to the public school part-time, they didn’t have enough credit hours for a diploma- so they each tested out and got a GED through the local community college.

      I don’t regret it for a minute that we chose the home school route, I wish I could have done it myself when I was growing up. 

There is so much more I could say, so if  you have a question- I’d be glad to talk with you more about it-  just leave a comment w/ your e-mail address and I promise to get back to you. DM

John Piper’s Prodigal son

  

    We were driving down Old Mt Vernon Road tonight headed to Mercy Hospital then  Home Depot.   As I listened to 101.9 FM KNWS on the radio   my ears perked up when I heard the name   John Piper in the same sentence as  ”his prodigal son” Abraham

     John Piper is a widely respected Christian author and pastor.  He’s a little deep for me but he’s the real deal.  And to think that even he and his wife had dealt with a prodigal son in some strange way gave me hope. 

     At this point in my parenting journey, I  am still carrying the heartache of prodigal children-  Fortunately, we have great lines of communication with each of them,so  I’m not going to post something on the internet to in any way jeopardize that. 

     Here’s a portion of what I heard on the radio tonight:

      When I was 19, I decided I’d be honest and stop saying I was  a Christian.

     At first, I pretended that my reasoning was high-minded and philosophical.  But really I just wanted to drink gallons of cheap sangria and sleep around.  Four years of this and I was strung out, stupefied and generally pretty low.  Especially when I was sober or alone.

      My parents, who are strong believers and who raised their kids as well as any parents I’ve ever seen, were broken-hearted and baffled.  I’m sure they wondered why the child the tried to raise right was such a ridiculous screw-up now.  But God was in control.

     One Tuesday morning before 8 o’clock, I went to the library to check my e-mail.  I had a message from a girl I’d met a few weeks before, and her e-mail mentioned a verse in Romans.  I went down to the Circle K and bought a 40-ounce can of Miller High Life for $1.29.  Then I went back to where I was staying, rolled a few cigarettes, cracked open my drin, and started reading Romans.  I wanted to read the verse from the e-mail, but I couldn’t remember what it was, so I started at the beginning of the book  By the time I got to chapter 10, the beer was gone, the ashtray needed emptying and I was a Christian.

     The best way I know to describe what happened to me that morning is that God made it possible for me to love Jesus.  When He makes this possible and at the same time gives you a glimpse of the true wonder of Jesus, it is impossible to resist His call.

     Looking back on my years of rejecting Christ, I offer these suggestions to help you reach your wayward child so that they too, would wake up to Christ’s amazing power to save even the worst of us.

1.  Point them to Christ

      Your rebellious child’s real problem is not drugs, or sex or cigarettes or porn or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or homosexuality or being in a punk band.  The real problem is that your child doesn’t see Jesus clearly.  The best thing you can do for rebellious children-

4.  Don’t expect them to be Christlike

     If your son is not a Christian, he won’t act like one, and it’s hypocrisy if he does.  If he has forsaken your faith, he has little motivation to live by your standards, and you have little reason to expect him to.

     If he’s struggling to believe in Jesus, there is little significance in his admitting that it’s wrong to get wasted, for instance.  You want to protect him, yes, but his most dangerous problem is unbelief- not partying….

12.  Point them to Christ

    This can’t be stressed enough.  It’s the whole point.  No strategy for reaching your son or daughter will have any lasting effect if the underlying goal isn’t to help them know Jesus.

     The goal is not that they will be good kids again.  It’s not that they’ll get their hair cut and start taking showers….the goal is not for you to stop being embarrassed at your weekly Bible study or even for you to be able to sleep at night, knowing they’re not going to hell…”

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If you’d like to read this  whole letter check out this link

Well, we’ve been invited out for dinner so I need to go-  DM