No turning back

         

When  I logged onto Facebook this morning, I found myself scrolling down the friends of a friend…..people we used to attend a local church with.   

        It stirred up this feeling of being on the outside looking in….

        I felt like a little boy standing outside a store window @ Christmas time, with my nose pressed against the glass, watching  people shop.

     If you sense a hint of  bitterness toward that church  (small c) or the people in it, you would be wrong.    I’m not. 

      What I was (and still am) turned off by, is the  spiritual climate, the spiritual apathy,  served  there on a week to week basis…. 

 A.W. Tozer  puts it like this :

      “There is today no lack of Bible teachers to set forth correctly the principles of the doctrines of Christ, but too many  of these seem satisfied to teach the fundamentals of the faith year after year, strangely unaware there is in there ministry no manifest Presence, nor anything unusual in their personal lives.  They minister constantly to believers who feel within their breasts a longing  which their teaching simply does not satisfy.

      I trust I  speak in charity, but the lack in our pulpits is real.  Milton’s terrible sentence applies to our day as accurately as it did to his:  “the hungry sheep look up and are not fed.”  It is a solemn thing, and no small scandal in the  Kingdom, to see God’s children starving while actually seated at the Father’s table….” 

     It all started in 1998 my wife asked me a  few harmless questions (or so I thought)…

     “Where have you felt the most  refreshed spiritually?

     ”Think of the times when you  were most encouraged spiritually?  “

       I remember saying things like…

“At that  lay ministry  weekend retreat back in 1981.”

 ”Not always but on occasion in a small group get together.”

“That “body life service “we used to attend in New Jersey @ Gilgal.”

“Sometimes  AFTER  church when we are hanging around catching up with Leslie, or Lance, or Thomas…..” 

  Then we  tried to identify what was it about those times that made them stand out?

 Having a  genuine sense of connectedness both to people and to God.

 Masks were down.

 people  really listening to where each other was at.

 God’s word was talked about as it practically applied in our current situation.

  Then she asked: “How can we get more of that  in our lives?”

      and the rest is history

At  this point, we are part of a  small house church. 

As much as I miss those people we used to attend church (small c) with, I would never go back.

      I have no idea who might @ some point read this…but just so you know….

      I’ve spent years…literally years  in three  different local churches thinking we  could/ should  ”reform” them  from the inside out.   

      Finally came to the realization  that the pastor and leadership in a  local church casts a long, long shadow spiritually. 

        I only have one life to live…  Do I spend it settling for second best just so I have lots of friends or is there a point where I  ”take the road less traveled”?

     If   you get a chance, pick up a copy of John Fischer’s Dark Horse.

Real Masculinity (According to me)

     “The hands of a brick layer, the heart of a poet.”  

                           Saumel J Kirkwood/ Former Governor of Iowa

     I’m probably going to step on a few toes with this one, but you know what,  I’m not going to lose any sleep over it

     I’ve been given the  privilege this Fall of teaching  8 young men in a construction program.   I am 30 plus years removed from my High school days- a season in my life I would not want to repeat. 

    Since completing High School,  I’ve spent   30 years together with the same woman- (and we still like each other), We’ve raised 4 children now in their early to late 20′s- ( and  have  a healthy  relationship with each of them).     

       In addition to  teaching , I’m a general contractor.

       I am a people person, and have known and worked alongside literally dozens of men (and women) in the construction industry with every personality type you could imagine.- I n all these years, there is only 1 man who  hated my guts-  a  former bible college graduate twerp with a mouth.

       I love pouring cement, stick framing a roof, riding motorcycles, writing poetry, baking my grandma’s rye bread from scratch, shooting  a  semi automatic rifle,  working in our  apple orchard, stacking bales in the haymow, butchering chickens,  bringing my wife and I coffee in bed

     What am I trying to say? My feet are firmly planted in real life.

      When I was a young man ( like the guys in my class)- there were very few healthy role models- at least role models of what I would consider a masculine male-             Most of the “masculine” males  were either stoic males without emotion, or jocks whose sole purpose in life was to “get some”…great qualities to have in a future husband don’t you think?

      I  am here to tell you, a real man can be tough and know how to stand his ground, but he can also be tender, and know how to admit when he’s wrong.         Real men  are in touch with their feelings- regardless of what anybody else may be telling you. 

    One of my best friends  from New Jersey  would probably be  thought of as stoic by   the rest of the people in his life….and yet, I’ve gotten to know the man behind the mask- I know things about him his wife probably  doesn’t know-  he can be  funny and  fun loving as anyone , he cares, hurts, worries,  just like you and I- but I’m guessing you (and his wife ) will  never see this side of him  unless you established a level of trust with him.

     I love working with the biker/just got out of jail types.  I love to look them in the eye and mess with their minds.  Three years ago,I spent the day with Johnny- he was helping out a friend of mine remodel a building.  Johnny was on work release- muscular, in his mid 30′s- I came with my sawzall, and  chop saw with a diamond blade.  My job was to cut a hole through the side of the masonry building 2 stories in the air.  I  looked Johnny in the eye and said,   ‘”I’m afraid of heights”  (because I am)  

     He looked @ me and said with a little sarcasm, “Man, what kind of carpenter are you,  afraid of height?”

     About 1/3 of the way into the process, there was an accident- Johnny, accidently stabbed me with my sawzall- new blade, with pigeon dung on it- slid right into my forearm like a steak knife-  we made a trip to the emergency room..2 hours later, we were back- my arm all stitched and wrapped up.  I couldn’t leave because we had to finish the project- I had the tools and know how…I watched Johnny as he struggled with the chop saw- it was driving me nuts..finally, I said, “Let me have it”-  I grabbed the saw with both hands and went back to work- two hours later, we were done-  Johnny, looked @ me when I finished with the saw  and said, “Man, you are one bad @#s .”

     Music to my ears. 

     Thoughts, comments, questions?

 

The White Wolf

     Johnson County Iowa 1850- A creature resembling a large  white  wolf,   said to stand  over four feet tall, with tracks as large as a lion,  had been raiding  local  farms.   It  was carrying  off 200 pound sheep  with perfect ease,  and something had to be done. 

     At one point, Jonathan Talbott caught the beast in a trap.    The creature was so powerful, it ran with the trap several miles before loosing a toe.   

     Imagine you are a farmer, you wake up in the morning  to discover something has killed another one of your  ewes    This happens off and on for several months.   

      If you’ve ever raised animals, or been attached to a  pet, then maybe, you can relate to the anger that rises up in your heart.    You get to the place where you would kill this marauder with your bare hands if  you could. which is kind of how the rest of this story shakes out  ;-)

     As I retraced Old Military Road this past Fall,  this is one of the stories dancing around in my head.

     I am starting to work on the manuscript of  my next book.   I have the title : “On The Trail Of Lyman Dillon” , and think I have the intro to the book about finished.  The next step is to organize  the rest of the book.

    As I researched early  Iowa history in preparation for my walk, I came across stories like the one about the white wolf,  the thing is, these stories are not just in once source.  You find them in old diaries, county history books, old magazine articles, etc.

     My intention in writing this book,  is for the next person who wants to retrace my steps (either on foot or in a car)   to  know what life  would have been like 150 yrs ago along Old Military Road

      The drama, excitement and suspense  I came across rivaled any movie you would see today.   The difference  is, these things really happened, right here where I live. 

     It’s  like I feel the spirits of these people crying out to be remembered…their  stories are buried in  musty out of print  books.   Their grave stones are no longer remembered.   Their  children,  grand children and great grand children are gone.

      If you have any suggestions/ questions/ or thoughts about this book project, don’t be shy.  I’d love  to hear your thoughts.

My Spiritual Hunger

 

 

      “In this hour of all but universal darkness…there are found increasing numbers of persons….who are marked by a growing hunger after God himself.    They are eager for spiritual realities and will not be put off with words, nor will they be content with correct  “interpretations” of truth.  They are athirst for God, and they will not be satisfied till they have drunk deep.”

                                                A.W. Tozer  1948

______________________________________________

     I (DM) am not a religious person.

     Truth be told, religion makes me nervous.

      If something works for you, great- just don’t try to jam it down my throat.  I’ll sit politely for a little bit, but if you start pushing   I’ll tell you what I’m really thinking and you won’t do it again.

     Having said that, I am  a spiritual person.  I hunger to connect with God.  There is a difference.

      Even before I became a Christian, I remember feeling driven to connect with the spiritual.    In my senior year of high school, a class mate suggested I read a book by Carlos Castaneda where he describes being mentored by a Yaqui  Shaman, smoking peyote and seeing things through the eyes of a bird.   I longed for that type of encounter with the spiritual world.  Laugh all you want, but at the time, I had no reference point.  It just reveals the intensity of my hunger. 

       I want to say this as nicely as I can, but there are absolute truths in the spiritual realm, we disregard them at our own peril.

      I remember sitting down with pastor Tom- a cool, articulate, knowledgeable spiritual mentor of a certain religious denomination.  I had been reading some things from the church hierarchy and it didn’t square with some of the other things, I’d been told.

      I wrote down my questions, Tom and I went down the list,one by one.  He told me (off the record) he agreed with me, but in his mind,  they were fringe issues.  I’m thinking to myself, they were not “fringe” issues.  It’s one way or the other, but two opposite things can not both be true- regardless of how much politically correct nonsense you’ve bought into.

      Years ago now, I decided one of my litmus tests for evaluating a “spiritual authority” was to look for fruit in their life.

     Why?  Because if I listen to them, I will turn out like them if they are following their own information- and if they are not doing what they are telling others to do- then that’s even more reason to avoid them.  JMHO

      Did they evidence peace, joy, kindness?  If they were married, what was their marriage like?  If they had children, what were they like?  Because before you start telling me how to live my life, you’d better make sure it works in your own.   If you’re a mean ass (pardon my french)  with your wife and kids, then you have no business mentoring anybody.

      If you’re driven, grossly overweight, don’t laugh, and don’t have any friends, then what in the world are you doing standing there in the place of a “spiritual authority?”

      “Others before me have gone much farther into these mysteries than I have done, but if my fire is not large, it is yet real, and there may be those who can light their candle at its flame.”

                                                                       A.W. Tozer

               (From the intro to his book, The Pursuit Of God)

Energy Suckers, Boring Sermons and second guessing Myself

   

  We had an invite on the answering machine yesterday for a New Years Day party- last minute with the instructions to call either way.   I told the wife to suit herself, but I for one was not going to call.  

         A still small voice whispered  “There must be something wrong with  you ..that isn’t a very loving attitude”.

     Maybe it had something to do with the fact that any time we have been  with this couple, she  sucked me bone dry emotionally.   There was a  bottomless pit of need in that woman’s heart,  reminded me of a sink hole, she talked the whole time- had no interest in our lives. …

       Years ago we attended a church where I struggled during the sermon to  listen- I tried, I really tried….this went on for 5 years.

       Same small voice… ” Maybe you have  a hard heart,  You need to  see past the messenger to the message.    There must be something wrong with you  if  you  feel  bored.”

       I’m a very patient person with a  soft heart and a high tolerance for quirky people and situations.

        I’ve also lived long enough now to not automatically discount my own perspective on a situation. 

        Have you ever read the  children story the Emperors New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson

         If you have  2 minutes, you can  read it here

         I’m related to the little boy.  

         At some point, if you are a chronic energy sucker with no intention of changing, then I’ll probably keep my distance.

         If you’re a pastor  who is burnt out and refuses to change- then don’t be surprised if at some point  I move on.

     How do you decide when you have a bad attitude(s) or valid concerns?

Why You Don’t Want To Imitate Jesus

Disclaimer- This  is an “in house” memo.   If you’re not a believer, you’re probably better off not reading this one.  DM

 

       

Photos from my journal 1988

 

    I can still remember when it happened.  We were living @ 1561 Green Wood Lake Turnpike, about 5 minutes East of West Milford New Jersey.  I was miserable. (see photo above)   We were broke, 1000 miles from family pursueing schooling so I could be a marriage and family counselor, 4 kids, living check to check, way too busy with “church” activities.and I read this Scripture:

    “Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.”  It was talking about what is supposed to happen in the lives of a believer.  Literally, God himself should be flowing out of my life like a river.  What would that look like?   Well, I thought, rivers of joy, peace, love, compassion, confidence,  The qualities I imagined Jesus would have evidenced.

     I read that and thought to myself, “Now that is a joke.”  at best, there is tiny trickle maybe…but a river…Nada

     It was at that point I said to God,   “It says there are supposed to be rivers of living water flowing from my life and I barely see a trickle.I give up.”  Show me what that looks like.”

     I dropped out of all my “church” responsibilities, decided I was going to focus on being a better dad and husband…I knew it might tick off some of those in leadership, but frankly I didn’t care.  When you’re a people pleaser and you finally say enough is enough- what a rush.

     Over  the next several weeks, something  started happening.  I remember having this mirthful grin.  I felt like I was in on a secret- just between God and I.  My friend John Reilly commented to me weeks later…”Doug, there’s something different about you, I  not sure what it is.  “  

      I  did. 

       I went from trying to imitate Jesus to experiencing him live through me.  I kid you not…there is a night and day difference between me trying to  “imitate” Jesus and him living through me.    I know that might sound a little abstract and mystical.  I can’t help it.  I would be willing to bet, I’m not the first person who has made the same mistake. 

      That would have been in the Fall of 1989.  When I’m doing well spiritually I feel like Michael Jordan on the basketball court in his prime.  It just flows.  When I’m not, I can also feel it.  That sense of connection with God lasted for months, long enough for me to recognize when it’s not there now.  It’s not a one time thing.  It really is a day by day thing for me. 

     I know that  if  I cop an attitude with my wife,   it directly affects that connections. 

     It really has nothing to do with going to some building on Sunday.  If you are spiritually healthy, then you will long to connect with your spiritual siblings, somewhere.  It has nothing to do with giving a certain percentage of your money somewhere…if you’re spiritually healthy, you want to help others.  It has nothing to do with saying certain “prayers” at certain times.    Your conversation with the divine  will have an ebb and flow to it, just like you have with anyone you care for.   Its not something you have to legislate. 

Thoughts, comments, questions?

Chicken Little Christianity

      We visited a turkey farm in 2007.    I can still remember the farmer telling us as we approached the buildings to “ Be quiet ” -  not do anything to startle the birds or they might panic.  Do you know what happens when turkey’s (or chickens) get frightened?   They   run to the other end of the building, pile on top of each other and  smother.

    There is something I bump into from time to time among people who should know better I  call “Chicken Little Christianity” 

      Basically,  it works like this.   A piece of fear based nonsense gets passed around by  word of mouth, e-mail, etc. and it causes a stir in the Chicken house, I mean church.   Like this one about the FCC supposedly trying to outlaw Christian radio.       If you’re a regular reader , you know I rarely “rant”  but I’m feeling one coming on.      

   Amber posted something today on Oprah.   (I loved her thoughts by the way, she was right on)   At the end of it she observed some people have  gone so far as to say “Oprah is the Anti-Christ. ”  I thought to myself, ”Here we go again -”Chicken Little theology,”

     WHY do some Christians have to embarrass the rest of us by their stupidity.????”

     This Summer I got an e-mail  suggesting that maybe Barack Obama was the Anti-Christ.    I thought to myself,  “Come on people, get your head out of the you know where.”

     Back in the mid 90′s I remember a   pastor talking about computer chips supposedly  being implanted in the  hands of people in some Central American country in order to buy and sell, and maybe, just maybe, this was how a portion of the book of Revelations was going to be fulfilled.  

        I’ve been a Christian since 1980.  I’ve been exposed to some of the same nonsense  that you have.   Two of you (Amber,  Sanity Found ) have  talked about it on your blogs  at different times, and I cringed for both of you.

       I’m as familiar with  “Pretrib eschatology” as any Christian.

translation: “Pretrib eschatology“  One school of thought among Christians on how the end of the world will play out according to the Bible. 

      What you rarely hear about (I’m talking to any one still reading this blog piece and gives a hoot)  is that there are at least  2 other schools of thought  that  traditionally have  had as much credence in Church history as the one getting all the press today (and in my humble opinion feed these Chicken Little fears).

     Bottom line-historically, to be a Christian is to suffer, so what’s all the excitement about?

      Maybe- just maybe, it indicates you have way too many eggs in your basket this side of eternity. 

      I’m going to tell you right up front-  If this post ruffles your feathers and you want to make a nasty comment to me on the blog- don’t bother…I’ll just delete it.  If on the other hand you can express yourself graciously, then I  will.   

Thoughts/ questions/ comments?

The Night The Dam Burst (or living my life without a mask)

   I can still remember the night the  dam burst, the night I said what I was really thinking.  I was 20, the kind of guy you could  bring home to  mama,  and as phony as a $3.00 bill.  I was a relational chameleon.

         M and I had been dating for 4 months and I sensed her starting to withdraw   (just like 4 other girls before her.) 

       We were sitting on an  old stuffed coach in my bachelor’s apartment…she talked of moving to out of town, not really sure what she’d do or where she’d work,  but was feeling restless. It  was @ this point,  something inside of me started gushing…. out of my mouth came  my frustrations, my confusion, my sense of insecurity.  There I was telling her what I was really  thinking, and it was exhilarating

      Charles Swindol wrote a book called  “Dropping Your Guard”   where he talks about the value and power of  authentic relationships, living life transparently, without masks.  That book changed my life.

     I read a post by Sanityfound   this week where she talks honestly about her choice to live life with child like abandon.  Don’t let her sometimes silly come backs throw you…she is articulate,  wise beyond her years (suffering will do that to you ),  reading that post  gives me insight into why she does what she does…it’s an intentional choice.. In my life, different issue, same result…once I tasted the freedom and power of living life without a mask, there was no way I was going back. 

      I loath  (I know that ‘s a strong word but it is how I feel), I loath mask wearing and pretense…give me an honest respectful  conversation any day.

     One of the highlights of this past year blogging is I have met  people who have  taken off their masks with me.  They may still chose to remain “anonymous”  to the public at large,  but with me , they have pulled back the curtain of their lives and we’ve  connected on a deeper level.   They know the real me and still  they  are willing to call me their friend.

      I know some of the reasons why I wore a mask.. (low self esteem, past hurts, feels safer to wear mask than risk even more hurt, bla bla bla)..but do you know the price tag we pay  for doing that?… a lonely life, because  nobody knows the real you.  you would be amazed at the number of people who will love you anyway..and Christians by the way are some of the biggest mask wearers there are…we think we have to be this perfect person in order to effectively represent the God we profess to follow…when in fact,  our life is a joke. 

    Thoughts, questions comments?

Don’t Just Make Money….Make Memories

Memory Number One

   Whenever I see one of these  I  try to stop. 

     Yesterday I spotted a stand  out in the country in the middle of nowhere on a gravel road.  As I drove by, I spotted a card table and pitcher under a big old tree.  The kids were up by the front door of their house so I wasn’t 100% sure it was a real lemonade stand or not.

     45 minutes later, I had to drive by their house again, this time they were ready….4 kids, (probably 5 to 8 yrs old) were jumping up and down, screaming as I drove by so I hit the brakes and put it in reverse.   Two of the girls came up to the passenger window with a bowl of something. 

“What are you selling and how much is it?”  I asked…

“A bowl of pudding and it costs one dollar”  the oldest one said.

“Perfect” I said..”Here’s a dollar”.

She handed me a Styrofoam bowl covered  with plastic wrap and a spoon. 

You should have seen the smile on those girls faces.

“Thank you , thank you”   they kept telling me.

______________________________________________________

     Memory Number Two

  I heard a song on my Dewalt work radio yesterday that made me want to dance  called “Nothing better to do“.

       John has got me listening to the country station at work… (I was more of a of a rock and roller growing up…U2, Journey, REO Speedwagon, Little Feat )  He told me it was a new one by   LeAnn Rimes so I googled it last night.    As an aside, I didn’t watch the video, just had the audio playing on the computer  . The next thing you know, I grabbed the Mrs and we were  shaking it in the computer room.  (Just like Kristina  the Home Engineer and her hubby..she had a link at her blog a while back with the two of them jamming to something…go over there and ask her to repost it if you want  

______________________________________________________

Memory Number Three

Finally, we just got back from taking a walk behind the barn with Winston   

The field is side raked and ready to bale… see photo below:

   

What did you do for fun this week?

My Lover, My Wife

     “Have ye leisure, comfort, calm, shelter, food, loves gentle balm?  Or what is it ye buy so dear with your pain and with your fear?”                                           Percy Bysshe Shelley

      Wednesday morning  wife and I  had an appointment with Marilyn, a friend and Christian counselor.  I went in to work for a couple of hours then  met them  at her office.  As I got out of my truck I felt like the Thanksgiving turkey  walking into the butcher shop.  gobble gobble

      These  things were going through my mind:

    #1  I am not going to play any mind games, I am going to own up to anything that comes out of this session where I am in the wrong.

    #2  Lately, God has shown me how completely he sees into my heart.  There’s a verse in scripture   “Before him no creature is hidden but all are open and laid bare to the eyes of him with whom we have to do..”

      He sees into every nook and cranny, and still he loves me. 99.9% of the time he is just a silent observer, but once in a while  something will happen to show me that yes  he does know about X Y or Z, and I’m just fooling myself if I think otherwise.

      #3 Marriage takes work.   Like  tending a garden in Iowa.  After that initial  excitement , the weeds start to show up.  If too many days go by, I can’t  even see  the  stuff I planted.   Wednesday was “weed pulling time.”

      My eldest asked me last week,” Are you going to write mom a letter ?”  (referring to the series I’ve written to my children) 

     We will mark 30 years of marriage April 21 2009.  Our children range in age from 28,26, 22, and 19.

      For the record, our relationship rocks.  It has not happened by accident.   Talk to 10 different couples and I’m guessing they will tell you 10 different things on what is the key to their relationship. 

      For me, I would say it’s an intentional choice to make our relationship a priority over any other area of either one of our lives..over being a parent (the best gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage), over our jobs which some of us love as much or more than any lover,  over ministry.   Throw in large doses of forgiveness, humility, honestly and kindness and there’s a  good chance you’ll do just fine….now to my letter

_____________________________________________________________________

      To my best friend and soul mate,

      Thank you for saying “Yes” so many years ago.  It is hard to believe almost 30 years have passed since the night I popped the question.  There are so many things about you that I am attracted to…like I said the other morning,  at the top of the list is your kind and gentle spirit..and I’m not just blowing smoke.  

      Just last week I was looking in your eyes.  Felt like I was noticing how grey they were  for the first time.  I love the way we continue to discover new things about each other.  Won’t get all mushy for you on the blog…will save the rest over coffee…  XXXX      Your farm boy

 

ps  the picture above was taken when we were on the West Coast visiting our daughter…we were looking out to the ocean…made me think later it was like the two of us were standing side by side, looking to the future,  the sea was a little rough, it was overcast..there we were, standing side by side, facing the future, come what may.