No more shame

“I’ve thought about every word you said,” Dan told me on Friday….and the shame is gone…completely gone. I haven’t felt this light and free in years.“

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End of November I (Douglas)  spent an extended weekend high in the mountains of Colorado at a men’s retreat working through some issues.   I wasn’t sure quite what to expect as I got there, I told someone later, I felt like I was going to have a “spiritual colonoscopy”

Colon cancer runs in our family, so I’ve had the “opportunity” to be scoped on more than one occasion. Once you hit 50, it’s recommended everyone get’s one of these, but if you’re like most chickens (I mean people)  we put it off and put it off…the thing is, if you catch the polyps early it is a very treatable cancer..the problem comes when you wait….

So too, in life,  personal  issues that are ignored usually don’t  just magically go away…they tend to grow and fester…so early on in our marriage, when  I found myself completely stuck and confused,  at a point of desperation, I reached out for help.  It taught me a valuable lesson.  Why  should I  spend months (or years)  struggling with the same old crap  when an answer may be forthcoming in  a 60 minute conversation if I have the gut’s and I’m humble enough to say “I’m stuck, I have a problem…can  you help?”

This stuff was never modeled for me growing up.  I’ve had to learn it the hard way.

So, over the years in our marriage, and through the turbulent teenage years, we’ve proactively sought out help, whenever it became obvious, we were over my heads…after the 2nd or 3rd issue, it isn’t really that much different from  making an appointment to see the dentist if you have a toothache….

I am not at liberty at the present to talk about specifics..there may come a day in the not too distant future where I will write about it but not yet…    Some long standing, buried, pain has been  coming to light this Summer and Fall, and I decided to step up to the plate and deal with it head on…hence my trip to Colorado.

Most of us have painful “stuff” in  our lives no one else knows about…I don’t have to list it here…if you have it, then you know what I’m talking about.  Well, stop for just a second and try to imagine the sting of that pain being gone…not just suppressed but gone…..

After my trip to Colorado,   I  happened to tell Dan about some of the radical  emotional freedom I was  experiencing…I wasn’t  even aware of the hurts in his life…he trusted me enough to tell me his story He told me he had been having flash backs and night mares…dark shameful memories had dogged him for years…. I listened, and encouraged him…and hadn’t thought any more about our conversation..then he told me on Friday,  “I’ve thought about every word you said,”….and the shame is gone…completely gone. I haven’t felt this light and free in years.“

I have no idea who may stumble across this particular blog post at some point.  God has an amazing way of allowing people’s paths to cross in the most serendipitous fashions….anyway, if you’re reading this and are at a broken stuck place in your life and need someone to talk to…(or are not there currently but have something to add to this conversation, let me know)

Time to get moving.  Sincerely,   DM

 

My Fork In The Road

     

     ” Integrity demands congruence between what I believe and how I act.” 

   Those words jumped off my computer screen last week.    Karen, a fellow blogger   was talking about  the tension in her heart between what she believes and  her  sometimes conflicting feelings. 

      Little did she know I was in the middle of my own test.

        Religious people are notorious for their  hypocrisy , that’s why her words were such a breath of fresh air.   There are    plenty of examples of hypocrisy in every  world religion.  It’s not just a problem in the Christian community by the way. 

  see this for example     But that’s not really where I wanted to go with this one.  

        A couple of weeks ago, my wife was going to be out-of-town for  a couple of days.  I asked her if she would be willing to be my accountability partner in my use of the Internet.    I’ve written in the past about looking @ inappropriate material on the  Internet here,  and here  so while I’ve been keeping a leash on this one, anyone who struggles with certain life issues will tell you, about the time you say, “I’ll never do that again,”  doesn’t  understand the depths of their own human depravity, hence my desire for accountability.

      Well, @ some point  while I was home alone,

Ever hear of the acronym  (H A L T)?  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

       I rationalized to myself, while I had said, I wouldn’t look @ anything inappropriate, I never said I wouldn’t read something suggestive…so, you guessed it,  I stumbled. 

      If you see nothing wrong with filling your mind with sensual words and pictures then none of this will make any sense to you, and that’s fine.   (that’s  a bunny trail which will have to wait for another day )

     So now what?     I found myself dreading having to look into my wife’s eyes and telling her what I’d done while she was gone.  Sure I could have lied, but I’m a rotten liar and that would have only compounded  the situation.

    Then I thought about how to answer her inquiry in such a way that technically I didn’t lie.  ie. “I didn’t look @ any suggestive images..”  

       I know that sounds lame but I’m not the first person whose tried to pull that one…” but I didn’t inhale”   and “I didn’t have sex with that woman”

    This inner conflict went on for four days.  

       In the end, she did ask me and I told her the truth.   There were so many things  hanging in the balance in a situation like this.

  Trust,

 Integrity,

 A clear conscience,

 A healthy fear of the Lord,

The reluctance to humble myself

Self loathing,

Self respect,

The need for forgiveness

I was miserable those four days. 

 I can’t put a price tag on my  personal  peace of mind.

As always, thanks for checking up on me.   DM

Part 3 -Swimming Upstream Against Pornography

     “I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…..for I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do….” 

   Do you know who said that?   Unless you’re   familiar w/ the  Bible, you’d never guess.  The  ”Bill Gates” of First Century Christianity- Paul….writer of thirteen letters in the New Testament , swimming upstream  against the culture in his day.   He was humble and transparent enough to make that statement.

Footnote:  I know someone is going to write me and say..”well…that’s  only what Paul experienced  before he was a believer”.  I don’t think so

    That’s one of the problems  when we paint this phony baloney  best foot forward  version of  our faith.  We’re not perfect, most of us smoke and sputter from time to time.  Do you ever struggle ?  Yea I know you do- we all do…so when we buy into this perversion of Christianity (plastic smiles, I’m just “claiming the victory”  nonsense, and some “issue” creeps into our lives…maybe not yours, but one of your children, or yours spouse,  we don’t know what to do…  we don’t  tell anyone until we have a mess on our hands.

 God set us free from the lies and the pride that keeps us enslaved.  

        Now that I got that off my chest…   This seems like a good place to talk about temptation vs. sin.    I was doing an Internet image search for this post…some of the things that came up were quite tantalizing…did I “sin” when I felt drawn to them like a moth to a light?     I don’t think so.   If I would have lingered- clicked the link and kept “playing” with it…..but the very fact I was drawn to some image in and of itself only means I am alive….I come by it honestly.  Martin Luther  said” You can’t keep the birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from  building a nest in your hair”.

A craving is not wrong in and of itself..Ever hear this pithy saying:

“Sow a thought- reap a deed

Sow a deed- reap a habit

Sow a Habit- reap a character-

Sow a character- Reap a destiny”

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          I want to wrap this series up-   summarize what keeps me moving in the right direction currently:

    #1 Openness and  intentionally avoid certain situations.

       My wife and I have talked openly about these things…she knows  I am tempted in the video store so very rarely do I enter one unless I know which movie I want…the darn movie posters can trip me up.  Honestly, I rarely watch TV,  Call me a wimp but the commercials can be a snare .  If you’ve never struggled in some area of life and then been set free, you might not understand the pull that will sometimes raises its ugly head….That’s OK…I know some of you have been “stuck” in other ”behaviors” and are not sitting there reading this with a smirk on your face.  

      So far, the price I’ve paid for admitting I don’t have it all together far outweighs any negatives I’ve experienced.  There may come a day when you won’t find this blog on the Internet, but for now I’m convinced it’s worth it.

     #2 There are resources out there if you want help.. books, ministries, Internet filters, accountability partners, etc.

    #3 Understand the difference between temptation and willful sin

     #4 Don’t feed the dark side of your soul- rather, feed and build up that which is wholesome.

      #5 I fear- fear that  I will again cross that imaginary point where I don’t have control of my thought life.

      #6 Love- I do not want to see the hurt on my wife’s countenance if I have to admit her love for me just wasn’t enough….

    #7  I’d like to tell you, I don’t want to offend and grieve God himself..but to be honest, it’s more of a fear of him than a desire not to grieve him.

       I’ll call that good enough on this topic..if you have specific questions- don’t hesitate to ask.

Part 2- Swimming Upstream Against Pornography

     When asked about spirituality, a Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner:

“Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time.”

When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, “The one I feed.

6/15/08 update.  (Elsie a fellow blogger said that this quote is actually attributed to Watchman Nee)

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     Here’s a quote I came across several years ago that also captures  some of my experience:

    ” In our members there is a slumbering inclination toward desire which is both sudden and fierce.  With irresistible power, desire seizes mastery over the flesh.  All at once a secret, smoldering fire is kindled. The flesh burns and is in flames.  At this moment God is quite unreal to us.  He loses all reality and only the desire for the creature is real.  Satan does not fill us with hatred of God, but with forgetfulness of God.”  Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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     One of the most sobering passages of scripture (for me) is the decent of David  (Ruler of Israel) into adultery and murder.   You can read the whole sordid account starting in  2nd Samuel chapter 11.         David is called a “man after God’s own heart.”  He started out as a lowly shepherd boy, God hand picks him to lead a nation, at the  height of his success,  he has sex with another man’s wife , gets her pregnant  tries a cover it  up, when that fails, he has the husband  killed….and the consequences dogged him the rest of his life. 

       If you think you could never do anything like that…

     then the slide has already been greased . 

     I am of the persuasion, that all of us, under the right circumstances are capable of almost anything…feel free to disagree w/ me on that, but I’ve lived long enough,  seen enough stuff ,  and know my own heart to say….we are our own worst enemy.   

      I think I’m going to write a 3rd post on this topic…One of my biggest struggles  was understanding   the difference between temptation and sin.  I’d like to write about that,  also, spend a few minutes talking about dog food.

        (today’s illustration)

Part 1- Swimming Upstream Against Pornography

WARNING: DO NOT READ TODAY’S POST WITHOUT PARENTAL PERMISSION. 

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     Like many of you, I like to check the  stats on my blog.  Today I made the mistake of clicking one of the incoming links  I didn’t recognize….it was from a flipp’n porno site…

      Before you think I’m just another one of those uptight nerds who can’t say the word “Sex” without blushing…..well, I don’t care if that’s what you think…but I’m not….Sexuality in the context of marriage is an awesome experience….like a fire in the fireplace,  there are so many positives…but when it’s  out of control (sex and fire)  both  can  do a lot of destruction. 

      Quick story…. there was an 80 yr old seminary professor who was asked by a young man how old he was before he was no longer tempted…the old man smiled and said..”I’ll  be sure to let you know when I get there.”

       I’ve seen it personally wreck one marriage,  send another man to a 6 month treatment program  and  sap the spiritual vitiality out of many Christian men . One of the side effects in a marriage - it causes  tension.  (I’m aware that there are women who also struggle with this issue, but most of the time, it’s  the husband.)    

       A couple of years after I became a Christian  (I was probably 24)  I still  had so much confusion regarding my thought life….where was the line between temptation and sin?   What was wrong with me? I’m happily married…didn’t expect to still have those kind of thoughts.   Was I “really” a Christian?

   foot note:   If you’re reading this and you’re not a Christian I don’t expect you to understand today’s post…you’re probably thinking..what’s wrong with pornography?  there’s nothing wrong w/ looking.  Well, I was married, take  seriously the scripture that says, Do not  commit adultery…whoever even looks at a woman lustfully in his heart has committed adultery . The  emotional energy  I was spending between the temptations, the  shame, and confusion was  driving me crazy.   I finally opened up my inner battle to Bob,  a 60 yr old Charismatic I’d met @ a Catholic lay-ministry program.  Here’s what Bob recommended….”Say  say a couple of  “Hail Mary’s”, an “Our Father”, and you’ll be OK“…hummm..needless to say, that advise was worthless….

     Last week the raccoons were back robbing the dog food.  I took a picture of the baited trap, thought it would make a good illustration the next time I had a chance to teach on temptation…(those are marsh-mellows you see leading up to the trap)  As you can see,  there are 2- maybe 3 marsh-mellows a raccoon can have before he trips the  door…pornography is  like that…you can   “get away with it”  for awhile….but @ some point…you cross a line, and you’re caught.   As I was baiting the trap I thought to myself…stupid raccoons..I knew  I’d catch them if they came back….

        

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    Next morning…..

     

     Lest you think I’m  just talking  theory, at one point in my  life, I “had one too many marshmallows”  and found myself trapped….Couldn’t stop thinking about the filth.  absolutely could not stop- for weeks.  I do not  want to go back to that place.  

       Stay tuned for part two…my two cents worth on finding and keeping wholesome   sexuality vs. perversion  that enslaves.