After Cancer Everyday Miracles by Dana Jennings

taken from the

 

Sunday, May 23, 2010

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April 6, 2010, 11:01 am

        It has been two years since I learned that I had prostate cancer, and a bit more than a year since I had any treatment for what I eventually learned was an aggressive Stage 3 cancer.

      Being from the sticks of New Hampshire, I’m reminded of a woods that has burned. There is still plenty of scorched earth and charred deadfalls, but, more important, the green scrub and optimistic wildflowers of normality are creeping back. Dana JenningsI’m in pretty good shape these days. I live from PSA test to PSA test – every three months – and so far, so good. I still get more tired than I would like because my body chemistry is still in ferment from hormone therapy. And, to get an erection, I have to inject my penis with Cavereject, which stimulates blood flow. (It’s not as bad as it sounds. Honest.) 

       But those are just physical details. I’m more interested in what I’ve learned from my cancer, how it has actually – and unexpectedly — changed me. Cancer is a hard teacher, but a teacher even so. More than ever, I know that I am blessed in sons and my marriage. That on a cold winter’s night a pint of porter in the company of a good neighbor is a bounty in this uncertain world. Yes, cancer is about an unwanted mutiny in the body. But, too, it’s about love and transience.

      Postcancer, I love who and what I love more deeply than ever. And I keenly feel in my bones the sheer evanescence of our existence. I’ve also undergone changes that are more obvious. The anger that raged within me after my diagnosis has mellowed to a simmer — I don’t bellow at speeding cars anymore. I do admit, though, that my tolerance for jerks and trivia has vanished as time’s arrow pricks at my back. I’ve become more myself these past two years, having shed the need to impress anyone.

       Cancer cells also knock the ego down a peg or two. I’m even more obsessive about my, well, obsessions. I binge-read, gorging on books and tearing through genres like some kind of literary wolf: fantasy (Tolkien, Rowling, George R.R. Martin), crime (Leonard, Burke, Stephen Hunter) and poetry (Li Po, Tu Fu, Basho).

        And when I realized recently that the last baseball season that truly floored me was in 1975, when the Boston Red Sox and the Cincinnati Reds played their epic World Series, I galloped to the stacks to gobble up books about the primal days of the major leagues and the Negro leagues. (Yep, Ted Williams still hit .406 in 1941.) That reading, in turn, led me to Ebbets Field Flannels, and the wool replica of Satchel Paige’s 1942 Kansas City Monarchs home jersey that hangs in my closet.

      Like ol’ Satchel, I don’t look back, because I don’t want to see what might be gaining on me.

       Most important, I think, I continue to consciously slow down as our maniacal culture speeds up. I’m constantly on the lookout for those miracles in a minor key that present themselves to us each day.

         I crave a certain fierceness of perception, am more open to the fullness of life seized in one small moment or gesture:

       Bats carving inky compulsories in the purple-black dusk.

      Fern, the sweet apricot cockapoo up the street, who likes to plant her petite butt on my foot.

        The topographical hieroglyphics of moss and lichen thriving on rock and stone.

      The eternal summer conjured by Dick Dale’s feral surf guitar.

       The dank musk of rain on the wind.

       The down-home holiness of bluegrass gospel sung by Bill Monroe and the Stanley Brothers.

        A wicked curveball just nicking the outside corner of the plate.

       The puppy breath of our two new golden retrievers, smelling like wet and bitter grass.

        The daredevil gray squirrels that tap-dance along the back fence.

         April snow, which my country-boy father calls the poor man’s fertilizer.

         So … what are your miracles in a minor key?

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My friend Lisa from New York shared this with us on Facebook this morning-  thank you Lisa!

Why You Don’t Want To Imitate Jesus

Disclaimer- This  is an “in house” memo.   If you’re not a believer, you’re probably better off not reading this one.  DM

 

       

Photos from my journal 1988

 

    I can still remember when it happened.  We were living @ 1561 Green Wood Lake Turnpike, about 5 minutes East of West Milford New Jersey.  I was miserable. (see photo above)   We were broke, 1000 miles from family pursueing schooling so I could be a marriage and family counselor, 4 kids, living check to check, way too busy with “church” activities.and I read this Scripture:

    “Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.”  It was talking about what is supposed to happen in the lives of a believer.  Literally, God himself should be flowing out of my life like a river.  What would that look like?   Well, I thought, rivers of joy, peace, love, compassion, confidence,  The qualities I imagined Jesus would have evidenced.

     I read that and thought to myself, “Now that is a joke.”  at best, there is tiny trickle maybe…but a river…Nada

     It was at that point I said to God,   “It says there are supposed to be rivers of living water flowing from my life and I barely see a trickle.I give up.”  Show me what that looks like.”

     I dropped out of all my “church” responsibilities, decided I was going to focus on being a better dad and husband…I knew it might tick off some of those in leadership, but frankly I didn’t care.  When you’re a people pleaser and you finally say enough is enough- what a rush.

     Over  the next several weeks, something  started happening.  I remember having this mirthful grin.  I felt like I was in on a secret- just between God and I.  My friend John Reilly commented to me weeks later…”Doug, there’s something different about you, I  not sure what it is.  “  

      I  did. 

       I went from trying to imitate Jesus to experiencing him live through me.  I kid you not…there is a night and day difference between me trying to  “imitate” Jesus and him living through me.    I know that might sound a little abstract and mystical.  I can’t help it.  I would be willing to bet, I’m not the first person who has made the same mistake. 

      That would have been in the Fall of 1989.  When I’m doing well spiritually I feel like Michael Jordan on the basketball court in his prime.  It just flows.  When I’m not, I can also feel it.  That sense of connection with God lasted for months, long enough for me to recognize when it’s not there now.  It’s not a one time thing.  It really is a day by day thing for me. 

     I know that  if  I cop an attitude with my wife,   it directly affects that connections. 

     It really has nothing to do with going to some building on Sunday.  If you are spiritually healthy, then you will long to connect with your spiritual siblings, somewhere.  It has nothing to do with giving a certain percentage of your money somewhere…if you’re spiritually healthy, you want to help others.  It has nothing to do with saying certain “prayers” at certain times.    Your conversation with the divine  will have an ebb and flow to it, just like you have with anyone you care for.   Its not something you have to legislate. 

Thoughts, comments, questions?

Chicken Little Christianity

      We visited a turkey farm in 2007.    I can still remember the farmer telling us as we approached the buildings to “ Be quiet ” -  not do anything to startle the birds or they might panic.  Do you know what happens when turkey’s (or chickens) get frightened?   They   run to the other end of the building, pile on top of each other and  smother.

    There is something I bump into from time to time among people who should know better I  call “Chicken Little Christianity” 

      Basically,  it works like this.   A piece of fear based nonsense gets passed around by  word of mouth, e-mail, etc. and it causes a stir in the Chicken house, I mean church.   Like this one about the FCC supposedly trying to outlaw Christian radio.       If you’re a regular reader , you know I rarely “rant”  but I’m feeling one coming on.      

   Amber posted something today on Oprah.   (I loved her thoughts by the way, she was right on)   At the end of it she observed some people have  gone so far as to say “Oprah is the Anti-Christ. ”  I thought to myself, ”Here we go again -”Chicken Little theology,”

     WHY do some Christians have to embarrass the rest of us by their stupidity.????”

     This Summer I got an e-mail  suggesting that maybe Barack Obama was the Anti-Christ.    I thought to myself,  “Come on people, get your head out of the you know where.”

     Back in the mid 90′s I remember a   pastor talking about computer chips supposedly  being implanted in the  hands of people in some Central American country in order to buy and sell, and maybe, just maybe, this was how a portion of the book of Revelations was going to be fulfilled.  

        I’ve been a Christian since 1980.  I’ve been exposed to some of the same nonsense  that you have.   Two of you (Amber,  Sanity Found ) have  talked about it on your blogs  at different times, and I cringed for both of you.

       I’m as familiar with  “Pretrib eschatology” as any Christian.

translation: “Pretrib eschatology“  One school of thought among Christians on how the end of the world will play out according to the Bible. 

      What you rarely hear about (I’m talking to any one still reading this blog piece and gives a hoot)  is that there are at least  2 other schools of thought  that  traditionally have  had as much credence in Church history as the one getting all the press today (and in my humble opinion feed these Chicken Little fears).

     Bottom line-historically, to be a Christian is to suffer, so what’s all the excitement about?

      Maybe- just maybe, it indicates you have way too many eggs in your basket this side of eternity. 

      I’m going to tell you right up front-  If this post ruffles your feathers and you want to make a nasty comment to me on the blog- don’t bother…I’ll just delete it.  If on the other hand you can express yourself graciously, then I  will.   

Thoughts/ questions/ comments?

Johnny’s Flower

  

        ”Each mind has its own method….do you think the porter and the cook has no anecdotes, no experiences, no wonders for you? …especially  (those)  whose minds have not been subdued by the drill of school education.”                                                          Ralph Waldo Emerson

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                 Quick story.  ***

 Little Johnny heads off  to Kindergarden.   Teacher tells the kids, “Today we are going  to  learn how to draw a flower.”

     Little Johnny loves to draw so he gets busy , though the teacher is still talking.    Here is Johnny’s flower:

     Teacher comes by his desk a few minutes later and says, “That is a nice flower Johnny, but you weren’t listening,  let me show you how I want  you to do it:”

 

       Johnny is embarrassed.   His flower looks nothing like this.  The other kids laugh at him and his flower, that’s what you get for not listening to the teacher.  Johnny learns a valuable  lesson that day.  If you don’t do it right you may get laughed at, and that isn’t any fun.

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We jumped into homeschooling when our children  were 12, 11, 6 and 4.  (1992)   We were told it might take a few years of ”detoxification “  before our older ones natural curiosity and creativity would come back.   I remember thinking to myself, what are they talking about -”detoxing”?  

      Detoxing from what? 

       What ever it was , it didn’t  sound good.  :-)

      This essay is not about home schooling by the way…it’s about “detoxing“ 

         Our choice to educate our children (for a season) at home was a radical departure from how I was raised and I discovered something serendipitously in the process.   It was like opening Pandora’s box (but  in a good way.)  Once you  make the choice to do  X when society tends to push Y,   you start looking  at other things  with an open mind too.

         Why can’t I hire a woman on   my small town construction crew???? 

          Church- don’t get me started

          Leisure - there really is more to life than just money.

        There is a freedom and creative energy  that I can trace directly back to 1992.  

          You can read more about it  here .

        I’m guessing most of us like to think of ourselves as independent types.    The truth is, while we may have rebelled against the authorities of our youth,…we are pretty slow to wander  too far the beaten trail of our peers.  Then as we get older, other voices    temper our choices. ”What would the neighbors think?”, “What would my friends think”, “What would my co-workers think?”…..and your flower looks a lot like everybody elses  flower.   

     God made you unique, He loves diversity.  One of the biggest ways to bring a smile on his face (my humble opinion) is for YOU to be you  and do it with gusto.

       *** (Can’t remember where I first heard this story.)

The Night The Dam Burst (or living my life without a mask)

   I can still remember the night the  dam burst, the night I said what I was really thinking.  I was 20, the kind of guy you could  bring home to  mama,  and as phony as a $3.00 bill.  I was a relational chameleon.

         M and I had been dating for 4 months and I sensed her starting to withdraw   (just like 4 other girls before her.) 

       We were sitting on an  old stuffed coach in my bachelor’s apartment…she talked of moving to out of town, not really sure what she’d do or where she’d work,  but was feeling restless. It  was @ this point,  something inside of me started gushing…. out of my mouth came  my frustrations, my confusion, my sense of insecurity.  There I was telling her what I was really  thinking, and it was exhilarating

      Charles Swindol wrote a book called  “Dropping Your Guard”   where he talks about the value and power of  authentic relationships, living life transparently, without masks.  That book changed my life.

     I read a post by Sanityfound   this week where she talks honestly about her choice to live life with child like abandon.  Don’t let her sometimes silly come backs throw you…she is articulate,  wise beyond her years (suffering will do that to you ),  reading that post  gives me insight into why she does what she does…it’s an intentional choice.. In my life, different issue, same result…once I tasted the freedom and power of living life without a mask, there was no way I was going back. 

      I loath  (I know that ‘s a strong word but it is how I feel), I loath mask wearing and pretense…give me an honest respectful  conversation any day.

     One of the highlights of this past year blogging is I have met  people who have  taken off their masks with me.  They may still chose to remain “anonymous”  to the public at large,  but with me , they have pulled back the curtain of their lives and we’ve  connected on a deeper level.   They know the real me and still  they  are willing to call me their friend.

      I know some of the reasons why I wore a mask.. (low self esteem, past hurts, feels safer to wear mask than risk even more hurt, bla bla bla)..but do you know the price tag we pay  for doing that?… a lonely life, because  nobody knows the real you.  you would be amazed at the number of people who will love you anyway..and Christians by the way are some of the biggest mask wearers there are…we think we have to be this perfect person in order to effectively represent the God we profess to follow…when in fact,  our life is a joke. 

    Thoughts, questions comments?

I Am Home

I’m home

6 days

81.8 miles

172,763 steps later.

Here are 5 photos of my last 6 days walking in the footsteps of Lyman Dillon and Old Military Road from Iowa City to Dubuque….

Sunrise North of Solon on day 2

Picture of my footsteps looking back near Langworthy

Looking back at our house as I leave for Cascade.

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Walking in the drizzle on day 6

Mrs DM and I at the end of the road

Here are just a few highlights of the trip.

While I am on my feet all day at work, I am not a “walker”, and yet, I did not get any blisters, my feet never hurt,  only  felt  stiff at the end of day 3 as I was coming down a long hill into Anamosa.

I woke up refreshed every morning , 4 of the nights I stayed  in homes of people I didn’t (or barely) knew.

It rained 2 of the 6 days, which only added to my sense of being on an  adventure.

A couple of  you mused there  would be a spiritual component to this adventure and there definitely was.  I’ll probably write more about that later.

My next goal (after writing thank you’s) is to contact the people I met in each town and work on my book “On The Trail Of Lyman Dillon“

When I’ve mentioned writing a book,  I’ve  encountered a few  “Oh sure you are” looks.    What the nay sayers don’t know is I already have 2 books in print.  I realize I probably sound a little testy  as I write this, but I have very little time for negative, pessimistic, people.

Here’s  a quote by Theodore Roosevelt which  comes to mind when I meet a nay sayer :

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how  strong man

stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them  better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

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I know some of you were praying , thinking of me , and sending happy thoughts my way  this week while I was on the road.   Thank you thank you!!!!

Questions,  comments,   thoughts?

When You Sense A Drift In Your Lover’s Heart

     “Newspapers, books, baseball, football, basketball, television, sunshine, friends….and then comes me.”  Recently, I discovered this entry in my 1977 journal.  After two years of marriage, I feared my importance had diminished in my husband’s eyes.  As I result, I felt jealous of everything he did that didn’t include me. 

                              Discipleship Journal Issue 93 May/June 1996   Elaine Creasman

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     The words jumped off the page.  They echoed conversations  in our home of late. 

    If my wife were to write such a list, I’m guessing it might  read:   e-mails,blogging, the whole darn  INTERNET.

     It also  took me back to a season in our relationship where I  felt a similar pang . 

  Wife was  spending more and more time with an older woman- over the course of a year they had become  inseparable….long walks, trips to the cone shop, soaks in the hot tub, Sunday afternoon movies,  movies on week nights, trips to sporting events to watch her kids play.   Where once I was first place in her affections, I sensed  a drifting….

 

     hold that thought while we shift gears….

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      The article continued:

      ”The LORD whose name is Jealous is a Jealous God. ”

        Such verses had always bothered me.  The word jealousy brought to mind self-centeredness, paranoia, and insecurity.  Intense jealousy destroys relationships.  Surely God is not like that, I thought.

      After reading more ….I came to a conclusion:  God eagerly and passionately pursues a monogamous love relationship with me.  He isn’t jealous because he is fearful or greedy.  Rather, He wants to guard against anything that comes between us.  His goal is to keep me faithful and protect our love relationship from rivals….”

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      Have you ever been in a relationship where you sensed a drifting or cooling off of the other party? 

      How did that make you feel? 

       What did you do? (or not do)     

By the way, I’m not done with this post- it’s just a rough draft, I sense there are still some major aspects of this theme I need  to develop

      

When You Lay It All On The Line

He was  a hard working farm boy.

She  was beautiful,

an athlete,  popular.

They’d visited for 30 seconds after class and now he was thinking the impossible….

to ask her out on a date.

He’d just turned 16. Never been on a date in his entire life.  And yet, as  he sat there looking at the phone, the idea wouldn’t go away.  He rehearsed his words a hundred times.

 He picks up the phone, begins to dial , his fingers shaking,  heart pounding.  He isn’t  even sure he had the right number.  After the 3rd ring, a woman answers-  probably her  mother. 

 He asks to  talk with Sara

  “Just a minute” she says. 

30 seconds later, Sara gets on the phone,

 ”Hello “

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Flash forward 35 years…..I am that farm boy…..and Sara (not her real name) is my wife. 

I discovered something inside myself that night- If I  feel strongly enough about something , I will put it all on the line.

Sure there are times when things don’t work out,  but there are times when it does.

And when it does,  the pay off  for  facing your fears head on, more than make up for the times you’ve  landed  on your butt. 

There’s  a quote  by Theodore Roosevelt I like:

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.”

So what are you waiting for?

God’s probably not going to wave a magic wand over your life and make the fear go away.  I don’t know who this post is for..but I’m thinking  there’s someone  who knows what they need to do, but fear has them stuck in their tracks.  Take this as a little nudge to move out.   Thanks for reading and posting a comment if you’re so inclined.

The Circle Of My Life

     “Some men draw a circle around their family, and they are the only ones they look out for, other men draw a larger circle, to include their friends and people in their area.  There are a few men however, whose circle is much larger, it is the world.”

                                              Paraphrase from a scene in  the movie 10,000 BC

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     I was walking through Walmart Tuesday night, caught a scene from a new release 10,000 BC. It hooked me.  I mentioned it in passing as my wife and I  headed for  the checkout.  (Just making conversation mind you)   This is one of the things I love about her.   she said spontaneously, “Then why don’t we get it?”

     We are not big movie goers, in fact, if we sit in front of the TV more than twice  a month, that would be stretching  it… for us to pick up a new release is not the norm.    So we set aside  Friday night to check it  out.  I  won’t spoil the story for you, but if you like intense action sequence, some violence, no sleaze, and great special effects, you’ll probably like the movie.)

     At one point,  a young man wrestles with his destiny.  A friend of his father   waxes philosophical about the “size of each man’s circle”, (the people he looks out for).  Ultimately each of us has  to decide on how big to draw that  circle.

 WOW    That is a profound thought  I told my wife. 

               There are  people who profess to be your   friend,  but let something happen involving  money,  a misunderstanding  or a wrong   committed and  you’ll  discover just how deep  that relationship really is .   

      I am thankful for the people  who have drawn a circle that includes me. 

        Anyway,  tell me about someone who has included you in their “circle” …the more details the better. 

My Friends Talk About Loneliness

 “Are you out there, Templeton?”  called Wilbur.  There was no answer.  Suddenly Wilbur felt lonely and friendless.”  Lurvey noticed that something was wrong.  Wilbur didn’t want food, he wanted love.  He wanted a friend- someone who would play with him.  Wilbur tried the goose.  “Sorry, sorry,  sorry.“   she said.  Next he tried one of the lambs.  ” Will you play with me?” he asked. “Certainly not, said the lamb. “In the first place, I cannot get into your pen.  In the second place, I am not interested in pigs.  Pigs mean less than nothing to me.”

      Friendless, dejected, and hungry, he threw himself down and sobbed.  Later that afternoon, Lurvy went to Mr. Zuckerman.  “I think there’s something wrong with that pig of yours.  He hasn’t touched his food.   so Lurvy caught him and forced the medicine down his throat.  This was certainly the worst day of his life.   He didn’t know whether he could endure the awful loneliness any more.

      Darkness settled over everything.  Soon there were only shadows and noises of the sheep chewing their cuds, and  occasionally  the rattle of  a cow-chain up overhead.  You can imagine Wilbur’s surprise when, out of the darkness, came a small voice he had never heard before.  It sounded rather thin, but pleasant.  “Do you want a friend, Wilbur?”  it said.  I’ll be  a friend to you.  I’ve watched you all day and I like you.”

    from the book Charlotte’s Web

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     This post is a group project.  I’ve written at least two  postswhile I was in the midst of feeling “lonely”  and secretly wondered how often others struggle with this emotion, and what it felt  like to them…..so I asked.  Sent out an e-mail asking these two questions…#1  Have you ever experienced loneliness for an extended period of time?  and #2  Describe what it felt like.  Word pictures would be great.  Here are portions of their letters.

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  I have indeed experienced loneliness … the crazy thing is I have been married almost eight years, yet I still have found myself ‘feeling lonely’ from time to time … I think loneliness feels like your at the bottom of a pit, that you can’t get out of … I guess you could day your in the ‘depths of despair’ … yet the thing of it is, sometimes, you don’t know why!

Thought wise, I think when you have that feeling of ‘loneliness’, you think about the things that are ‘wrong’ … the things that you can’t control … I think too, for me at least, you think about all the issues and problems in the world, which only makes matter worse, but that’s just what goes through my mind sometimes!

When I’m lonely, I listen to music usually, and I just want someone to ‘call me’ or ‘take care’ of me … I wouldn’t say I was ‘clingy’, but I would say I wanted someone or something tangible to make me feel better … sometimes praying in the midst of loneliness just doesn’t help … I know that may sound bad, but it’s the truth … you really just want someone to care enough to help you get out of your loneliness!

Anyway that’s a brief insight … hope it helps!

Lookin’ forward to the post!

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        My loneliness comes in the midst of marriage and family. My spouse may be here but only taking up space. My loneliness feels like I’m screaming into the wind. No one else hears. There is no benefit to it except I feel like I expressed myself. Just not to the person I want to hear it. Then I realize I will have to do this on my own. I move into “needs to get done mode” and move on with my life until this segment passes. I pretend he is not there nor have any expectations until I feel he has reentered our world and I can again provoke reaction. In my mind I am again screaming into the wind. To the rest of the world, it appears as a vulnerable conversation and I am congratulated for my communication skills. It would be more fun to scream.

P.S. sorry for the darkness; I’m surprised myself at what I really feel about this. Thanks for including me.

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Have you ever experienced lonelinessfor an extended period of time? Yes I’m there.  I feel it even when my husband is home.  For what ever reason, generating a meaningful two way conversation is next to impossible.  Maybe we’ve been together so long we’ve run out of things to talk about OR maybe we’re both too introverted.  Maybe he’s all talked out and I’m not.

Describe what that felt/ feels like.  Word pictures  would be great.
It HURTS! I feel rejected.  God gave me as a gift to him but I feel like he won’t open the present.

What were the thoughts that were going through your mind?
I’m afraid…. afraid that we will drift apart and when the nest is empty there will be nothing left between us.  My parents divorced after us kids left and his parents are married living separately.
I’m also afraid that maybe I don’t spend enough time with God and that I wouldn’t feel this way so much if I did. I wish that he would spend more time with God too.  If we could get closer to God than maybe we would feel closer to each other. But aside from going to church every Sunday, he seems disinterested in spiritual matters.  Then I have to pick up the spiritual ball in our family and it feels wrong but somebody’s got to do it.

What did you think/ say to yourself?
I realize that Genesis tells us that God created us to be together.  That desire was installed in man by God.  That God sent me to be his helpmate and maybe some day he will let me help him, but for now I wait.

Were you clingy?
It almost seems that the more I want to be with my husband the more turned off he is. I have actually said when I feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me, “I’ll find someone else to talk to.” Friends are energizing and rarely at a loss for words, but God is ALWAYS there.  My favorite hymn is What A Friend We Have in Jesus.

 

        Ah, this is something I’ve been considering writing about myself.  For the last year or so there’s been a group of Christian artists (local and non) who have been meeting and experiencing similar sensations of isolation and desperation.  This sense is what a friend of mine has started referring to as “the void”, the place where God’s spirit floated over the waters before time began.  The void has become a symbol for the seed in the ground, that time of spirit-death that has to be achieved to birth greater life.  It’s odd, because all of us feel like we are in the void even though most of us have families at home and a lot of inter-connectedness to other people.  But the void is real for us.  When we want to create we go to our inner wells and feel nothingness.  When we’re in our quiet times searching for God’s voice it’s like we’re in huge echoing caverns.  Our faith is intact and as vibrant as ever, maybe made more vibrant by our desperation, but it feels like we’re constantly scraping the bottom of the barrel to just get by.In America we like to believe in the prosperity doctrine, but prosperity is only useful when tempered with need.  If we always prospered, what good would come from faith?  So God, being a loving God, sends us plenty in one hand and emptiness in the other, so we taste both.  And I believe that this internal loneliness is an important part of God preparing us for a great work.Lately when I feel the void I also feel something like rushing winds or waters, and I get excited because I know that the seed is taking root and this time in my spiritual journey is coming to an end.  Like a pregnant woman I am becoming bored with my state and I am covetous of the morning that I will be able to take hold of what has been growing, to look at it and know it fully.So I drink the bitterness of spiritual isolation as well as the sweet mead of hope.  Both of them, together.And as odd as it may be, I am contented.Best of wishes with your journey._________________________________________________________________  

 First, I apologize for not getting right back to you on this, but it has been a bit crazy!
Anyway—yes, I do understand what you’re saying and feeling. In addition to being appreciated, etc, I think when I feel lonely I also have a feeling of “unimportance” (not a word, but think you’ll understand it). I turn onto my needs and begin to think “why isn’t anyone calling me? they don’t think about me. I’m not important enough to them for them to think of me”I don’t get clingy at all. In fact, my response is withdrawal. When I begin to feel this way, I get sucked into myself and look at every thing that anyone says to me, read into all actions, and most definitely misinterpret everything anyone says with a bias against me.There are other times when I feel lonely but it is just a sadness. It’s not a self-worth issue or anything like above, it just is what it is—alone and that feels sad. As I’ve moved forward in healing and understanding who I am in God’s eyes and having an honest look of myself, loneliness is more this than anything else…just sadness. The “good” part of this though is that it’s tolerable—not “destructive”.Hope that adds to what you were thinking about and “chewing on”. Hang in there—you are continuing to move forward!!______________________________________________________________________________

        It took me awhile to reply this cos I had to think it over.Loneliness….I think I’ve been lonely for most of my life. In  my immediate family, we are 5 of us: my dad, mum, 2 brothers and moi. My mum and dad had each other; same for my brothers so most times I was left to myself. But I didnt mind too much, I was a tom boy anyway.As I grew older, the loneliness became more intense. I had a variety of friends but… I grew up mostly around adults – most of the time, my brothers and I were the only kids around. So I was older than a lot of my friends psychologically. That aside, I’ve always been acutely tuned to those around me. I am very sensitive Doug…from an email I can tell how my friend is feeling. So I always knew when those around me were sad or depressed or excited no matter how hard they hid it. But it was so not reciprocal…no one even seemed to care! So I turned to novels and my journal.It’s not like I did not want to cling…but I treasured my independence even more. Even now, I’d be cuddling with my fiance and I’m overcome by this intense loneliness…its like a dark abyss or a black hole. I just push it down and try to ignore it. Later, when I’m alone, I bring out my journal and start to scribble. I write letters to God… I call my mum and just say hi. If anyone cared to look into my soul, they’d know that I’m slowly being consumed by loneliness. I cope because I find myself more and more having long conversations with God..that keeps my sanity.

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Loneliness…….ugh……it can hit you in the pit of the stomach….. For me it showed its ugly head in aloneness.  I know in my heart when we are God’s child we are never alone, but the loneliness came. 

I needed help of some kind and yes, the answer came in a most unusual way.    

Before  my mate of 60 years, went to be with the LORD, I had never spent a night alone.  After this took place the evening hours brought such aloneness, such emptiness.  I like the old song that goes “No, never alone, No never alone……He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone.”  As a believer, I knew God was with me and would help me, friends were wonderful as were family to come or call…….yet

 

that debilitating aloneness would sneak in.  In the daylight itwas nice to hear the cars going through the lane, a sound near the garage or the lawn being mowed….neat reminders and they were treasured, but when evening came and he wasn’t here, that terrible empty, lonely feeling showed its ugly head.  Without having made a conscious decision to do so, I began to turn on the TV to his favorite ball game or program, and remember him sitting in his favorite chair.  It sounds strange, but as I would read in the dining room or do the things I used to do in the evening, I no longer felt unattached, I felt close to my husband  and my heavenly Father.  The evenings have since been enjoyable and I am so thankful to God for His unfailing love and peace

You know DM, sometimes you scare me with what you write, because so many times I am battling the exact thing you talk about.  Loneliness and alone, two very different things yet so alike. I can feel alone in a room full of people, and lonely for family , friends and love, companionship, communication when I am home alone. Yet content to be alone for a while.  This is probably confusing, I know I have been writing this down, and I confuse myself. I know something is missing in my life, and it’s a closeness,a sense of self and self-worth, security and trust that I need but not sure what or how I need to do to be okay, starting with me, let alone relationships with others.  I know I cut my self off from people, let very few get close to me, and love my friends and family very much. Sorry if this makes no sense, but it’s hard for me to explain sometimes.   But for once I made myself get back to you.

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I could write you a book on loneliness but will refrain from that. I’ll try to just hit the high points instead.Losing someone so close to me was the worst thing that has ever happened. It left me searching for a “normal” life again that I haven’t yet found. When a piece of your life is missing there is no way to fix it you have to instead learn to deal with it. I’ve found a new normal that at this time includes a “continuous” loneliness. I can occupy my mind on other things or people at times but loneliness becomes the person I lost when no one else is around.    In the midst of my grief and loneliness I was uncertain, for I had lost my councilor, I felt abandoned, I needed to be needed, because as a wife and mother I was the “caretaker” and now all there was to care for was me and to me that was selfish. My future was gone, you’re not supposed to be widowed at 42…you’re supposed to be nearing a time of life when the nest is becoming empty and the focus can turn back to just enjoying your spouse and life, and instead, I’m trying to make sense of what has happened and find something, anything, to make life livable again. I spent many hours trying to focus on what I have, not what I have not. The power of loneliness has taught me something about the power of love. The more intense you love, the more intense the loneliness when they are gone.I had to work hard at not getting “clingy” as you call it. I always keep in mind that most of my friends haven’t been in my shoes and can’t comprehend the depth of my loneliness so I try to be sensitive to their feelings when in the presence of others. Sometimes “lonely” is just my“friend” and no one else’s. Getting “clingy” was not something I could do. I wallow in self pity from time to time but then remind myself how I’ve faced some HUGE challenges and been able to find the strength to get through them.   Loneliness follows me to remind me to keep moving or it can swallow me up but I will find the strength to keep it at bay………..because I have to, life goes on for me and I’m to live it as God intended._________________________________________________________________ 

     I (DM) had  a couple of other replies as well to this survey, but I’m having serious trouble including them on this post.  This is my fifth attempt to put this together.  The computer keeps  acting up when I paste their replies to me..so I apologize in advance to those of you who wrote and don’t see your notes here….if you feel comfortable, please write a commment and that way it will be included in this for future readers. Thank you each for sharing so honestly from your lives. DM       

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Update 10/1/2012  Here’s a beautiful poem I came across on Loneliness from a fellow blogger …

I finally understand

why they left, and how

it feels to become untethered,

loosed

from life

from love.

Every one, all

off on their own

and you

left alone

where alone digs a hole

deeper and deeper

until hollowness resounds

and pain echoes

echoes in

that cavern

when all you want

is another

all you want

is to love and be loved

but it’s

a retreating

need.

You reach, you hope, you

can almost taste

but there is no one there

to take your hand or meet your lips

and you realize though you are happy

in your solitary times

happy cannot be its own champion.

This hollow

is temporary,

you know

as they did not

as they could not

shed

this feeling of

gnawing

emptiness,

but you find

it is a gift

of understanding

of light

of empathy

as long as it remembers

to go away.