Last night I was thinking about the many, many people I’ve had the opportunity to get to know   via my wordpress blog since  2007

I’ve observed a pattern.

most  eventually drift away…not all of them, but most.

It is actually a good thing.

Apple trees do the same thing every summer.  (we have a small orchard)

The tree start out with hundreds of newly pollinated apples in late May, but by early June, many have fallen to the ground.  The remaining apples  will then  have the nourishment and energy they require to mature.

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The following is a portion of an essay on friendships by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

      “Our friendships hurry to short and poor conclusions, because we have made them a texture of wine and dreams, instead of the tough fibre of the human heart. The laws of friendship are austere and eternal, of one web with the laws of nature and of morals. But we have aimed at a swift and petty benefit, to suck a sudden sweetness. We snatch at the slowest fruit in the whole garden of God, which many summers and many winters must ripen.”

And finally, I posted  this on facebook last night:

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Update/ the next morning..

I’m always tempted to delete this sort of stuff.

The gnawing  restlessness  I was experiencing last night has subsided.

I need to keep a journal and keep track of how often it happens.

My response last night was to suck it up, and ride it out.

I still contend it’s a universal condition. (ie everybody experiences it)

Most of us (myself included) just don’ talk about it, who wants to  come across as a  looser.

I am blessed with a healthy marriage, a job I love,  a very real sense of God’s  presence in my life, I have purpose, my self worth is good-  I love being who I am, the age I am, etc. etc…..I have several close friendships…

and yet, this restlessness still creeps up on me @ the most random times.

I have two questions for you….

can you relate to what I’m talking about?

What do you do about it when it happens?

As always, thanks for reading my stuff. DM

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PSS  Another update the next day

This morning my wife read this to me from her morning devotional:

“Do not be ashamed of your emptiness.  Instead, view it as the optimal condition for being filled with My Peace.

     It is easy to touch  up your outward appearance, to look as if you have it all together.  Your attempts to look good can fool most people. But I see straight through you, into the depths of your being.  There is no place for pretense in your relationship with me.  Rejoice in the relief of being fully understood.  Talk with me about your struggles and feelings of inadequacy.  Little by little, I will transform your weaknesses into strengths…”

Taken from this book January 14th’s reading.

“Have ye leisure, comfort, calm, shelter, food, loves gentle balm? Or what is it ye buy so dear with your pain and with your fear?” Percy Bysshe Shelley

Wednesday morning wife and I had an appointment with Marilyn, a friend and Christian counselor. I went in to work for a couple of hours then met them at her office. As I got out of my truck I felt like the Thanksgiving turkey walking into the butcher shop.

gobble gobble

These things were going through my mind:

#1 I am not going to play any mind games, I am going to own up to anything that comes out of this session where I am in the wrong.

#2 Lately, God has shown me how completely he sees into my heart. There’s a verse in scripture “Before him no creature is hidden but all are open and laid bare to the eyes of him with whom we have to do..” He sees into every nook and cranny, and still he loves me.

99.9% of the time he is just a silent observer, but once in a while something will happen to show me that yes he does know about X Y or Z, and I’m just fooling myself if I think otherwise.

#3 Marriage takes work.

Like tending a garden in Iowa. After that initial excitement , the weeds start to show up. If too many days go by, I can’t even see the stuff I planted. Wednesday was “weed pulling time.” My eldest asked me last week,” Are you going to write mom a letter ?” (referring to the series I’ve written to my children) We will mark 33 years of marriage this coming April. Our children range in age from 31,30, 25, and 23.

For the record, our relationship rocks. It has not happened by accident. Talk to 10 different couples and I’m guessing they will tell you 10 different things on what is the key to their relationship. For me, I would say it’s an intentional choice to make our relationship a priority over any other area of either one of our lives..

over being a parent (the best gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage),

over our jobs which some of us love as much or more than any lover,

over ministry.

Throw in large doses of forgiveness, humility, honestly and kindness and there’s a good chance you’ll do just fine….

Now to my letter…

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To my best friend and soul mate, Thank you for saying “Yes” so many years ago. It is hard to believe over 30 years have passed since the night I popped the question. There are so many things about you that I am attracted to…like I said the other morning, at the top of the list is your kind and gentle spirit..and I’m not just blowing smoke. Just last week I was looking in your eyes. Felt like I was noticing how grey they were for the first time. I love the way we continue to discover new things about each other. Won’t get all mushy for you on the blog…will save the rest over coffee…

XXXX Your farm boy

ps the picture above was taken when we were on the West Coast visiting our daughter…we were looking out to the ocean…made me think later it was like the two of us were standing side by side, looking to the future, the sea was a little rough, it was overcast..there we were, standing side by side, facing the future, come what may.

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pss this one was originally written in 2008.  Since it’s been a while and buried in the archives, thought I would repost it for some of my new readers. DM

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“We’ve got a form of brainwashing going on in our country.”  Morrie sighed. “Do you know how they brainwash people?  They repeat something over and over.  And that’s what we do in this country.  Owning things is good.  More money is good.  More property is good.  More commercialism is good.  More is good.  More is good.  We repeat it – and have it repeated to us – over and over until nobody bothers to even think otherwise.  The average person is so fogged up by this, he has no perspective on what’s really important anymore.”

From Tuesday’s With Morrie  page 124

I (DM) have been gnawing on  a related issue for a while now.  The value  placed on physically attractiveness , youth and beauty in our culture.    A part of me rolls my eyes at the shallow sillyness of it all, and yet there is a  small part of me that wishes I had just a little piece of that pie too.

Not the whole cake mind you, just a little slice….like a piece of cheese cake.

This thinking rears its head when I scroll through pictures of my niece on facebook.  She’s in the prime of her youth, attractive, always seeming to be getting lots of attention.  Lots of pictures where she and her friends are striking poses for the camera…you know the pose….

It also rears it’s head  in the blog world.  Young  female writers will regularly get dozens of comments  and I’m lucky if I get one or two   Now don’t take this personal any of you my regular readers…I’m not trying to whine, it’s just that in the back of my mind, I wonder if I were female, and in my 20′s how many more comments might roll in.

So here’s where the conflicted feelings come into play.   I love my privacy and my space.  I have no desire to be the center of attention in a group.  I “know” physical beauty and youthful vigor  do not last.  That stuff is an illusion. and yet in my heart of hearts, I still crave some of it.  If I didn’t this sort of stuff wouldn’t bother me.

Brittany posted  the following video clip  a couple of weeks ago on face book… It bears watching at least once a month:

I know this is hard to understand, but this letter is being written by yourself 38 years into the future.    The year is 2011 and you’re still fascinated with  the computer.  I’m not sure how much time I have on this end before I loose the connection, so this is going to be quick.

There are so many  things going through my mind….

That kid sitting next to you (along with all the other jocks in your class, ignore them, you’re not going to see most of them ever again except at class reunions-  And Mr J, the gym teacher-  he should never have been given a teaching position, lining you guys up to pick teams.   I know  you’re one of the last ones picked because of your size.

I know you like to take your medicine straight so here’s the deal…you still have 3 more years before you fill out.  I know you don’t want to hear that  but  by the time you are 20, you’ll be  pushing 6 ft.   And because of your job,   you’re in  better shape than most  of those guys I run into now.

One of the good things that came out of all those years of being small, shy and insecure is it has given you a tender heart for  hurting people.    I know, that doesn’t sound like something exciting at your age, but trust me, your priorities change after those crazy years of high school.

I want to tell you something that will really blow your mind…let’s talk about girls for a second.  You’ve only had one or two conversations with the fairer sex..and dude…get this… you’re only going to have one or two more until after you graduate…not to worry…the race is not always to the fastest…I’m going to tell you something that is going blow your mind….you are going to get a date with you know who ..and not only that, but you and her are going to end up having 4 kids together…yea, I know what you’re thinking…that’s OK,  I’m sitting here 35 years later still amazed myself.

What else should I tell you…stop grinding your teeth…, not sure what to do with them.  You’ve ground  1/4 inch off them at this point, and there is no easy fix for this mess.

I’m going to give you a quote I didn’t come across until my 20′s..it  has to do with your attitude..and it will radically change your life if you embrace it.:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than success, than what other people think say or do.  It is the more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make or break a company…a church…a home.  The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is wit you…we are in charge of our Attitudes”

                                                                     Charles R. Swindoll

Oh, oh, I need to go.  One last thing….you are way more gifted than you give yourself credit for.  I know you’re not a hugger, but I would love to wrap my arms around you, look you in the eyes and pour some of the older me into you now.

I got this idea for the  letter here

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Footnote 12/11/2011.  I (DM) noticed Brittany had tagged this post for someone, When I reread it, I felt like it was begging to be re-posted.  That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.

Contentment

Ah contentment. It’s such a nice word, implying everything is right with the world.  The dictionary I have defines contentment as:

|kəˈntɛˈntməˈnt|

Noun

happiness with one’s situation in life

A simple definition indeed. A lot of other words seem so much harder to define. Not so with contentment.

Is contentment attainable? I think this is a difficult question to answer. I don’t know if overall contentment is attainable, but I think it’s something we should definitely long for. Being a person of middle age, having acquired a bit of wisdom, I know the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.

I’ve been walking with the Lord as my sovereign Savior for 6 years now. Before I knew the Lord, I had no contentment. I was always searching for something. And it was always elusive. Galatians 5:22 says, the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness. I was always searching for these things, but they were always beyond my grasp. I was filled with opposite things. I had anger, bitterness, jealousy, restlessness, disappointment, resentment, and unfaithfulness.

Now I have the fruit of the spirit, but not in a perfect sense. Earth is not really my home. It’s not yours either if you belong to the Lord. We have a better home awaiting us in heaven. We live in a broken world. It’s decaying by the minute. We are decaying by the minute. We are born to die. There’s no escaping death. We will never be perfectly content until we arrive in our heavenly home.

I am happy to say I am becoming more like the Apostle Paul everyday, learning to be content in all situations. I’ve learned to be content in my job. There are good days, there are bad days, but it’s okay, I’m going to heaven.  I’ve learned to be content in my personal life. The family is peaceful, the family is turned upside down, but again it’s okay, I’m going to heaven. I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need. Contentment? I am closer to it now than ever before!

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

Post script. I (DM)  recently asked some of my friends to think  on the topic of Contentment.  Some of you reading this  were part of that project.  This is the fourth  of several  essays on contentment.  Let me know if you’d like to contribute. thanks!

Defining contentment was not as easy as I thought it would be.

At first, I thought of contentment as a feeling of familiarity, of feeling happy, but not overjoyed. Of having some of what you want and being happy with that without pursuing something deeper or greater. I thought of it as settling for what we have rather than what we may really want.

Then, I thought about it even more deeply today, during one of my deep meditative states in my car (and do you know, a coworker of mine drove past me last week during one of my meditative states, blowing her horn and waving madly, and I never heard or saw her. I didn’t have my radio on, I was just in the zone).
What I decided today was that I had it all wrong in thinking that contentment was some ordinary state that we settle for, when we aren’t willing or able to push ourselves further and deeper.

Contentment to me means:

PEACE: a sense deep within of calm and resolve.
HUMILITY: A deep sense of how mighty this world really is.
GRATITUDE: Deep appreciation for all that we are offered every day.
FULFILLMENT: The dream realized.
TRUST: That we are always being watched out and cared for.

What I realized when I really meditated on this today, is that Contentment is much deeper than just being happy. Contentment means SOUL happiness, a happiness so deep and pure that it doesn’t require fanfare or announcements; it is just felt down to our toes. Contentment is not just the feeling, but the deep UNDERSTANDING that we are here for a mission and purpose, and that we are fulfilling it in all that we do. It is total belief that we are being watched over and that all will be well.

For me,contentment, without realizing it when my friend asked me, is what I am aspiring to. It is the true sense that what I am doing matters, and that I am connected and transparent. It means that my presence here has purpose and meaning and that I am in love with my life and its work.

Contentment is big.

Vanessa

Post script. I (DM)  recently asked some of my friends to think  on the topic of Contentment.  Some of you reading this  were part of that project.  This is the third  of several  essays on contentment.  Let me know if you’d like to contribute. thanks!

Currently doing a short series on Contentment. I asked some of my friends to share with me their thoughts.  If you’d like to contribute something more than just a comment let me know. DM

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I used to feel discontent at work in only two circumstances:

–when there was too much to do and I was overwhelmed

–when there wasn’t enough to do and I felt guilty and worried if I was doing enough

I felt worried and guilty all the time.

I finally decided that balance in my life doesn’ t come every day, but over a period of weeks and months my life did balance out. I was more contented with my everyday situation when I took the long view into account. Now I am happy to work late, and happy to leave early…knowing it will all balance out in the end. For me, the secret to contentment is to take the long view. Enjoy life’s seasons.

Hannah

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Contentment…  Biblically based, as in “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.  I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”  (Philippians 4:11-13).

Whether it is a goal in itself or the result of some other process, though, I’m not sure.

There is, I think, a tension between contentment and laziness that can be difficult to distinguish.  There is a cultural imperative that seems to push us constantly to be better in whatever we do, and there is certainly merit to that objective, but I wonder if perhaps the secret of contentment isn’t letting go of the end result and focusing on the process.  Yes, there is value in pushing beyond what we think we are capable of, and in pursuing achievement and a good living, because not doing so means that we’re coasting on the past and acclimating to the neighborhood where laziness lives.

However, the reason for doing the work – for pushing for excellence, for trying to be a little bit better every day – isn’t (or maybe “shouldn’t”) be because we’re paid to or because we get recognition or power for doing so, but for the joy of doing the best we can, regardless of whether it pays well or not.  I think that maybe once we can honestly say that, we have become content, not to mention truly successful.  

Anyway, that’s my two cents’ worth –   Your topics always give me something good to think about, Doug!!  Thank you for sharing them with me, and for pushing me to think outside my own collection of boxes.

Later!

Cheryl

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Contentment is a complicated concept.

According to the World English Dictionary, to be content is to be mentally or emotionally satisfied with things as they are.

To me, contentment sounds like a great thing if that definition is true for how you feel about all aspects of your life.

But often times, we aren’t truly satisfied with the way things are.  We want more.  We want to be better.

And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  In some situations, if those sixty extra pounds damage your health and your self-esteem, then maybe you shouldn’t be content with your situation.  Maybe you should want to change.  Or, in my case, if that shyness keeps me from doing the things I want to do in life, then maybe I should address it.

I believe it’s important to make changes in your life when you individually know you need to make them.  You may feel content continuing to live the lifestyle you’ve lived in the past because it’s comfortable and easier that way, but there’s so much to learn when you step outside your comfort zone and push yourself.

With that being said, before you make any changes, you have to accept yourself.  Attitude is the most important factor in any self-improvement journey, and if you aren’t thinking positively about yourself and your efforts, you’re going to have even more battles to fight.  And when you develop a positive attitude, you develop a sort of inner contentment.  You accept that you might make mistakes at times and may have failures, but you support yourself regardless.  You’re your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy.

So really, contentment and self-improvement can work together.  Like most things, it’s good to have a balance of both.  If people were always content with themselves and the world, then there wouldn’t be any changes or any new ideas or inventions.  But at the same time, if people were never content with themselves and were constantly pushing, then they’d never be happy and satisfied.

I watched a video of a speech by motivational speaker Les Brown not too long ago.  In his speech he said that even when you’re 70 years old you should still be setting goals and that you still have much to offer the world.  He said, “You aren’t done giving and doing yet.”

I found this very interesting.  I had always thought by that age you’d just be content with what you’ve accomplished over the years and wouldn’t have to keep pushing yourself to do more.  But after hearing this, I hope to be that 70 year old who is still working to make a difference in the world.

It is important to not wear yourself out with goals though.  Instead of setting a lot of goals it may be more effective to simply set a few goals that really matter to you and excite you.  Then you won’t wear yourself out, and your work will be much more meaningful.  As long as you continue to appreciate and acknowledge what you’ve accomplished, you will find satisfaction.

The key to contentment and self-improvement is balance.  It’s important to remember that you can have both, and you do not have to choose one over the other. 

Together, growth and personal satisfaction can make for a powerful combination and allow you to live the rich, fulfilling life you’ve always dreamed of.

~Brittany Wood

Contentment – Candidly

I will jump to the end of my story first.

I think I found it.

I was going through the fluid motion of grabbing my apron out of the pantry, snapping it straight once, and tying it around my waist.  I have done this a thousand times.

It is the same process,

the same motion,

the same feeling.

I am preparing for my family.

I am home.

I am safe.

I think I finally figured out that this is my contentment.
I once thought it was finding a boyfriend.  I then thought it was getting the best grades I could in college. I then moved on to thinking I would be content finding a job – ANY job.  Marriage was finally where I was content. The love of my life by my side. No – my baby boy brought the sweetest version of contentment.  Only to be moved aside by baby boy number two.  Jobs lost, jobs found, life, death. Contentment assuredly rested upon each new trial in life being solved.  Then I was sure our new daughter was the best contentment of all.

But when asked to think about it, I had to re-think it.  And when I found myself in the kitchen, as I so often am, it really hit me that I think I finally gave up of achieving the next ‘greatest’ level of contentment.

Contentment is where you find it.  I am keeping it in my pantry, on hook number one.

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Post script. I (DM)  recently asked some of my friends to think  on the topic of Contentment.  Some of you reading this  were part of that project.  This is the second of several  essays on contentment.

“I want to be free of self pity. It is a tool of Satan to rot away a life.”

Barbara Youderian

I have often pondered these words of Barbara Youderian, one of the widows of the five American missionaries murdered by the Auca savages in Ecuador on January 8, 1956. This type of devastating event has never occurred in my life (thankfully!), but even so, all too often I give in to the sin of self pity rather than following the example of the apostle Paul who wrote, “...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.” (Philippians 4:12).

I am going to share two lessons (still in process!) that God began to teach me while my husband was in his first pastorate position.

First, I learned that there can be no true contentment without true forgiveness. I was aware that criticism would go hand in hand with ministry. I expected it.

However, I was not prepared for the depth of the hurt when it did come. I don’t know which is more painful–the criticism that is unfair and untrue, or the type that is true and IS justified.

Could we have done more, prayed more, reached out more in the ministry?

Most likely.

Have I at times been hypercritical of others, misunderstanding my brothers and sisters in Christ and judging them unfairly?

Most definitely.

I have been guilty of the very things of which I have accused in others. I would be wise to remember the words of Solomon in Ecclesiastes 7:21-22:

“Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you–for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.“

While I was feeling used and unappreciated by the church community, was I not also guilty of taking those around me (specifically my immediate family) for granted? So how could I not forgive? Oh Lord, may I not be like that unmerciful servant in Matthew 18 about whom Jesus said, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

The second contentment lesson occurred through the painful isolation I experienced in the church

. This was completely unexpected; no one had ever warned me that some church communities simply do not want the pastor or his family involved in their lives.

Even though my husband’s job happened to be that of a minister, I still felt like a normal person! I still needed friends. I just wanted to be “one of the girls.”

For years I wondered what was wrong with me.

Did I not wear nice enough clothes?

Was I just too much of an oddball to fit in with my peer group?

Every Sunday my spirit would sink as I watched the other young families congregate, enjoying fellowship with each other while I was starving for community. Realizing that I should have been rejoicing that our church was growing and thriving didn’t offer me much comfort then.

The enemy got to me in a couple of ways here. Not only was I hurting from the lack of friendships, but it was also like there was a constant accusing voice whispering in my ear that I must certainly be spiritually inferior, because otherwise the “cool Christians” would certainly want me on their “team” and invite me to their exclusive Bible study, and the women would surely come to me for counsel, prayer, or to “just talk,” etc., wouldn’t they?

If I was really the “good Christian” I was supposed to be, wouldn’t I have friends? Wouldn’t people look to me as an example?

I felt so ignored, isolated, and excluded that Sundays for at least a couple of years were completely dark. And as I gave in to the despair, I became incapacitated, useless, ineffective, and unable to see the blessings and beauty around me.

Even the love and acceptance of my husband and children didn’t matter to me in those dark times. It was only after desperately seeking advice from other godly people who had been there–women who had gone through what I was talking about–that I was able to begin accepting that maybe all this isolation was just related to the position I was in–pastor’s wife.

Then it also happened that on one of those Sundays during congregational worship, the hymn, “Be Thou My Vision,” was sung. I don’t know how many times I had heard or sung this song in my lifetime, but it was like I was hearing for the first time the words, “Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise…….” I had been guilty of believing the lie that contentment was not possible with the life I had now, with the gifts God had blesses me with, that I needed something else–friends, and more specifically, the approval of the Christians around me, whose opinions I had come to value more than the opinions of God Himself.

I just hope that now, having learned a little more about humility from my experiences, that I will be more likely to notice the lonely person, less likely to devalue someone (on the basis of appearance, career, spiritual gifts, or whatever) and more careful even with my Facebook posts, so as not to cause someone to feel excluded by what I do/say.

God is not honored when we show favoritism. But neither is He honored when we hold back in welcoming people, giving in to intimidation as we assume their gifts (spiritual or otherwise) are more important than ours.

I am very thankful for the lessons I am still learning about contentment, but I will admit that it is very refreshing to now be in a church environment which is more representative of a true community. From day one, we have felt warmly accepted and welcomed here. The memories of the past still hurt sometimes, but I know God had reasons for placing me (and my family) where He did, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

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Post script. I (DM)  recently asked some of my friends to think  on the topic of Contentment.  Some of you reading this  were part of that project.  This is the first of several  essays on contentment.