Not to worry, I’m not really hearing voices (yet)
As I was helping my wife clean this morning I had negative emotions dogging my every step.
When I stopped long enough to understand what and why I was feeling this way, I couldn’t do it.
All the dark thoughts popped back in their holes like moles in a mole game.
It took me ten minutes to put a label on what I was feeling.
I was feeling the emotions of disapproval
Disapproval: criticize. to think (something) wrong censure or condemn in opinion.
(the opposite of feeling like someone was giving me their blessing)
My wife had been asked to tidy up a senior housing apartment for a friend who was moving her mom to Seattle this week.
I offered to help out because my morning had suddenly freed up.
That sounds simple enough don’t you think?
Help wife with cleaning = showing her love.
For the first 30 minutes I battled these dark negative feelings…
“What am I doing taking time off cleaning out a frig????
” I should be on the job working!!!!”
On and on like a broken record….
I am self employed…which means I can call my own hours.
I am between projects this morning/ the job I had hoped to do today was not ready so if I wasn’t helping my wife out, I would be home puttering in the shop/ picking apples/ etc. no big deal breakers there
So where do these negative feelings come from?
They rob me of joy and energy like a short on a battery.
Instead of feeling like I am doing something good to encourage my wife, I am feeling like “someone” would disprove of what I am doing with my time.
Who in the heck is this “someone ” anyway???
I’d like to tell them to zip it, because I didn’t ask for their opinion
These are not life and death issues
I hesitate to even write about them, but these low-grade negative feelings rob me of my peace of mind just as effectively as the bigger stuff.
Do I battle this stuff all the time? nada
I can take a nap with the best of them pretty much anytime the opportunity presents itself.
It wasn’t always that way.
For the first several years after I got married and moved away from the farm, I battled the negative feelings….
even after I was a 1000 miles from home , I could feel that pressure to be productive.
Not any more.
So it kind of takes me by surprise to discover there are still a few old moles tunneling around the recesses of my mind.
I’m kind of optimistic at this moment.
Whenever I can catch this sort of thing and drag it into the open, into the light, it has a way of breaking the power of it.
Negative thoughts thrive in darkness.
They thrive in secrecy.
If you’re batting some deep dark thing right now,
find someone safe,
someone you trust and share it with them.
If you don’t know anyone, feel free to tell me.
Leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you one on one.
I am pretty much unflappable.
I don’t have to know who you are. In fact, I don’t want to know.
That isn’t the point.
Nobody should have to carry dark things by themselves.
We are not designed to.
You’ll have to excuse me now while I take a nap. DM