I still remember the first time I found myself really stumped in my marriage. Jealousy, mistrust….got to the point where we could not even talk about the situation without anger. I remember driving down the road screaming at the top of my lungs, the “f” word being used quite freely. Did not know how to proceed, was this “issue” going to be part of our relationship long-term?
Somebody shoot me.
Very painful memories.
I am not proud of how I responded, but neither am I going to sit here and beat myself up. I simply had not been equipped to deal with heavy-duty issues in marriage.
It was at this point in my life, I met Ron at a men’s retreat. Ron was about 10 to 15 years older than I, very normal, down to earth guy who just happened to pastor a local church. He was not a nerd. Was not all “spiritual” and otherworldly. Just a normal guy who happened to be a pastor.
What an original idea ;-)
Well, I found out Ron was married, and out of sheer desperation,I approached him on the side and asked if there was any chance I could set up an appointment to meet with him and his wife (and my wife) to see if we could untangle this issue at home.
It was a watershed moment in our lives. Within 20 minutes we had. His wife had normally not sat in on his counseling sessions, but in my mind, I wanted to hear from both of their perspectives, and I wanted to ask both of them candidly if they’d ever dealt with jealousy, and mistrust in their relationship?
Why in the world would a person spend years being stuck by some painful “life issue” when if you could find someone you trusted, and you took a risk, you could find the insight to move past or cope with it???/
Pride, fear, or ignorance
I had all 3, and decided from there on out life was too short to let some “issue” suck the life out of me if I was unable to find the answer on my own.
I would find someone who was able to help us (me) get unstuck.
Hold that thought.
Two weeks ago we attended a marriage workshop on the topic of “emotional reactivity” at the recommendation of someone who knows us well. Premise is this,. all of us have “baggage” from our past, and sometimes (yea right regularly)..we bring that stuff with us into our adult relationships…and what to do to identify it then move past it.
In our case, there is some PTSD in our relationship,and I thought, couldn’t hurt, maybe we’ll learn something that will help us get past some of the “patterns”
After we got back from that workshop, I was sharing it with a friend, who questioned the value of looking @ that sort of stuff in our lives…he didn’t use the words “navel gazing” but that was the implication. He said, most of the people in the world today do not waste their time on this sort of stuff, nor did most of the people in times past.
Hummm..I said, yea, and I know from personal experience, there was a lot of dysfunction in my family of origin going back 2 generations…and for you to tell me, they did fine with it, is a complete bunch of BS. They went to their graves, carrying the pain of abuse, alcoholism etc. So here I sit this morning, thankful.
Thankful I am not stuck in several of the patterns I brought with me into adulthood. End of Rant. DM