If you were my daughter, if you were my son…

Had a little drama on my other blog last night.

A mother  recently left a comment on a blog post sharing about the heartache she has been going through with an older son….well, Son got onto the computer that was still logged onto my post  her comment  was still visible.

He was not a happy camper.

Having personally experience 18 years of parental hell myself, ( it started when our oldest was about 14..and is only just now tapering off 19 years later as child #4 is finally getting his bearings)  I have some perspectives on parenting I wish I could have tapped into so many moons ago.

So for what it’s worth, if I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with this distraught mother (and her slightly dysfunctional son)  here is what I would tell them…

First to the Young man.

I would sit across the table , look him in the eyes and  say.. ” It’s time you grow up.   You need to move out and get a place of your own.  It’s going to be tough…financially and every which way..but the truth is, you do not appreciate what your parents have been doing for you  and you  need an  attitude adjustment.  I might (might have) considered letting you stay here a little longer if you had been willing to play by the rules of our home..but as it is, the drinking, smok’n and blatant disrespect for your mama is the last straw…. You need to be out by the end of the week.  period.”

“Mom…I know you love your little cub.. you love him dearly..unfortunately, at this point, he doesn’t feel it. and he will continue to disrespect you and break your heart until he comes to his senses.  and that may take getting to the end of himself.    When that finally does happen. he’ll be back and you’ll have a new son.”

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Parents..(especially moms) have a tendency to short circuit the natural consequences of of poor life choices ..the result is, our children continue to flop and flounder and get into all sorts of heartbreaking  situations…heartbreaking.  and we keep bailing them out... you need to stop.  if they get busted, let the natural consequences of their choices  unfold…period.

When I was in the middle of it all, there was a time when I felt like an elephant was stepping on my chest…the stress and pressure was crushing.  I told someone yesterday, I felt like I went through an emotional wood chipper.

I am not the same dad I was going into the parenting gig, 30 plus years ago.

I’ll never forget the time I sat across the table from my 14 yr old daughter who I had just brought home..she’d ran away for 3 days, had no intention of coming home..( I knew where she was, it was just a matter of reeling her in)…

I sat across the table looking @ her …anger, defiance rebellion,contempt written all over her face

She was our strong willed one….that rebelliousness needed to be broken… to break the rebellion but not break the spirit..  you can do it..in fact, if you don’t you will never have real peace…  so I gave her two options…put her in a girls school, or spend a week @ my cousins and his family..(which she really , really did NOT want to do either,for reasons I am not @ liberty to tell you)…. It was a watershed moment in our relationship.  She is still a strong willed young lady.  Yea, we went through a lot more after that, but @ least she knew if push came to shove, I was not going to back down.

I taught a high school shop class for a year…I discovered the same dynamics that made for healthy relationships with my older children also made for healthy relationships in the class room with a group of rowdy young men…

First they needed to know who was in charge…call it what you want, respect/ fear..maybe a little of both…

Secondly…love..they needed to feel that I genuinely liked them… and I did..

Once in a while, they would test me just to see if I was still in charge….

Here’s how it works in Realville :

teacher first- friend second..

Parent first- friend second.

boss first/ friend second.

Feel free to do otherwise   DM

 

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This post is still in a rough draft form, but wanted to post it, so I could get some initial feedback. DM

Parents in pain

This post is written to the Christian parent who finds themselves dealing with a prodigal child (or children).

Dear fellow parent,

As I sit  here this morning, our children range in age from 32 down to 25.  The last 17 years have felt like I’ve chopped my way through the Amazon jungles on foot.  Many, many times I felt lost, did not have a clue as to where I was at or if I were even heading in the right direction .

I have to tell you, once the overt rebellious stuff started happening, I realized there is are overly simplistic and   naive  schools of thought in the Christian camp about our children and  how to keep them from wallowing in all of the crap this world has to offer.

You can do it all right…not try to jam your faith down their throat,  be an approachable parent, willing to own up when you’re wrong,  involve them in good activities,  try your best to help them find good friendships, and avoid the bad ones, participate in youth programs, church, even send them away to  a Bible school…do it all, and  there is NO guarantee, they will still not chose  to shack up with some looser of a boyfriend or, binge drink till they black out...week after week.….

Then what are you going to do?

Nag?

preach ?

take them for counseling?

Second guess yourself?

….if only I had been more firm when I first noticed  she had a strong will!

Why didn’t I do a better job of looking into _________________(fill in the blank)

What do you do with the anger?  Because at some point,  besides feeling afraid for your dear child, there’s a good chance you’re going to be angry about something that has happened…maybe their blatant disrespect or sass, …maybe at someone they “love” , or are running around with…

What

To

Do

About

The

Anger???

As I sit here this morning 2 of our 4 children are still sexually active outside of marriage. (at least I’m 95% sure they are, they’d never tell us that is the case, but  it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to  connect the dots…

So, what is my role in their life, and what is my attitude with them as they continue to make choices that will bring them emotional pain, not to mention some STD or unplanned child, etc?

What do I do with the stuff  you feel?

Biggest help has been finding another parent that “get’s it” and rant together.

Nothing wrong with ranting.

Second thing… I can’t emphasize this strongly enough…

Nagging does not work

Getting angry with them does not work

See, deep down, they feel conflicted…and second thing..it’s not about you,  if sure feels like it is, I know but it’s not…it’s between them and God…

And at the end of the day, God has got to be the one to reel them in, and he is able.  I’ve seen it twice now..and there is a good chance they will have even more spiritual depth than their parents when it happens.

Keep the lines of communication open

Resist those  temptations to draw a line in the sand and say..if you do ________________,  then I’m through trying….

Nope, best thing you can do, is to find another adult and unload.

Couple of final thoughts…

If you kids do happen to turn out, right, don’t be to quick to take the credit..

I’m sitting here 17 yrs into the crisis called parenting older teens and I still have my joy, the kids still love to come home for visit,  2 out of 4 have found their way back spiritually, and the wife and I still love each other…nobody said parenting was a walk in the park.

Drop me a note if you need to talk.   DM

If you’re feeling trapped

Maybe you are

We just got home  from a  family reunion..

Seeing most of these people only every 2 or 3 years gives me the  a sense I’m watching  time-lapsed photography…

I used to internally  cringe at these get togethers.

I would compare our families life choices with the other young families in the mix.

5 of the cousins are either Dr’s or have married Doctors.  I suspect several of the Aunts and Uncles are millionaires…

And then there was our family

My wife chose to stay at home as  our  kids came along…

which meant shopping @ Goodwill and garage sales for the kid’s clothes

Renting instead of owning

Driving an older car

bread from the day old store….

you get the picture.

There are lots of people in the world who have it a 100 times tougher..that I know..

but still, it’s so easy to fall into the comparison trap.

Now, 30 years later, our kids are grown,

wife and I are still in love

I’m still working at a job that energizes and stimulates me most days.

money is still tight, but for the most part we are out of debt….

And those earlier choices don’t seem so stupid any more…

I came across the following description in a book a few weeks ago, that described our life to a T:

     “My grandparents lived a simple country life.  They were totally self-sufficient, tilling a small piece of land and raising their own food….there was a sense of unhurriedness  and simple pleasures.  All the money in the world couldn’t buy such luxury in today’s world.  It is not for sale.   You have to create it….

It is unlikely you can ever totally escape from this high-stress world.  We are all on the same train….but to preserve your sanity and achieve a healthy life, you have to make some choices and resolve to live a balanced life.  By a “balanced” life, I mean, that like a marathon runner, you must learn how to pace yourself.  You give it all you’ve got going uphill and rest as much as you can going downhill.  You try to balance the drain on your energy so you can “go the distance”

From the book The Anxiety Cure by Archibald Hart

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As I listened to some of the stories this past weekend, I couldn’t help but think about an article I recently read  about rats,   overcrowding and stress.

Because some (not all)  of  my successful relatives are living under a lot of self-imposed stress, .and I thought to myself but are they happy?

They may be making big bucks, but at what cost?

Here’s a link  to that article  if you’d like to read it.      Rat Study

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If you hear a still small voice calling you to get out of the rat race don’t just ignore it.

It may be the voice of God.

And He can make a way.

I know what you’re thinking…

There is nobody in your life who would understand…

But here’s the deal…30 years from now, you will not regret it….

“If you make it to the top of the company ladder, but loose your family in the process, you are a fool.”

__________________________–

Sorry if this comes across as a little intense.  I don’t mean to be.  DM

Who’s counting?

by Mary Pierce

Life’s a dream with Firstborn.  In his perfect nursery, we arrange educational toys by stage of development, sub-categorized by color.  Good books like his bookshelves according to the Dewey decimal system.

We order 100 copies of Firstborn;s hospital picture.  We gush.  “Did you ever see a cuter baby?

Every precious Firstborn moment is documented in his baby book.  The first real eye contact (“He looked at me!  He’s a genius!”  The first time he rolls over (Olympics, here we come!”)  His first word  (“Did you hear that?  Hippopotamus” clear as a bell!”_

We save his first shoes, film his first steps and preserve a curl from his first haircut.  We even shrink-wrap Firstborn’s first outfit, for Firstborn’s first born  to wear someday.

Ever ounce of Firstborn’s food is scrutinized for salt, fat and sugar content.  We puree fresh fruits and veretables and offer only whole grains and healthy cereals.  No junk food for our little one!

We record Firstborn’s growth on the “See How I’ve Grown” chart.  Month after month, we suspend him by his underarms, dangling him against the chart, his tiny toes barely brushing the floor, to preserve – and celebrate0 every  adorable quarter-inch.

Life is under control.

Number Two

Along comes Second Child.  We take the hospital picture, but by now we know the truth.  Newborns are kind of goofy looking – even ours.   Only the grandparents see the pictures.

We’re tired but try to valiantly to maintain that perfect atmosphere Firstborn enjoyed.  Feeding standards, however change.  WE puree less and purchase more.  Instead of daily nutritional balance, we try for weekly.

We are stunned as Second Child dismantles the educational toys.  She chews through the home library, finding picture books and the Encyclopedia for Babies equally tasty.

The growth chart reflects Second Child’s development in larger chunks: 1, 3, 6, 8 months and a year.  Her baby book is succinctly sums up her early stages of development:  She came, she saw, she destroyed.”

     Three’s a Charm

Enter Child Three.  We only thought we were tired before.  The Third-child Challenge hits the first time we have to get the whole family out the door.  It’s easier to herd worms.

Child Three has little archeological evidence to prove she exists.  Her hospital picture was lost in the chaos of life.

One photograph is eventually found stuffed into the binding  of her baby book, after the page recording her birth and first shots.  (the rest of the pages are blank)

Child Three appears on the growth chart at 7 weeks and 13 months.  The next mark is at 25 months and then nothing.

With three children food rules go out the kitchen door.   Our menu plan is simple:  Don’t open the same kind of can two days in a row.  Marshmallows become a food group.  To cover the nutritional bases, we toss an occasional chewable dinosaur vitamin into the morning bowl of Sugar Maxi-Bits.

     Home Sweet Home

As Child Three wrestles with the dog for a bologna sandwich that fell off the table, we dream about life before kids:  reading grown up books, watching movies with no animation.  Everything was under control.  Live was better wasn’t it?

We thought so, but somewhere between potty training and T-ball we changed our minds.  Control is highly overrated.  Maintaining a perfect atmopshere is exhausting and impossible – really impossible.

Life got better when we gave up trying to keep a perfect house and decided instead to create a home: an imperfect, sometimes crazy place where imperfect  people can live, grow, try, fail, laugh and love.  A place to belong.

A home with new rules:  Clutter keeps, kids don’t .  A little dir – even occasional chaos – never hurt anyone.  and every life, every season, every day, every moment is a gift.  Precious and brief.

One day we expect to have plenty of time for grown-up movies.  Life will have some semblance of order again.  And the house will be quiet.  Very, very quiet.

We’ll have plenty of time to marvel at how quickly these days have passed.  And we’ll have plenty of time to miss them.

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(This was an article Mrs DM clipped out of an old Focus on the Family magazine.  I printed off a copy for a friend tonight (she has 3 little ones in tow, one was “grazing on the kitchen floor” when we stopped…Mrs DM reassured her, that it was OK and had this article to pass along….Wanted to share it with those of you with little ones.  DM)

Picture of my brother and I back in the day…I was a first born

To my great, great, great, grand daughter…

You came to mind this morning

a hundred years from me,

My daughter’s

daughter’s

daughter….

a hundred years from me.

There’s some things I  want to tell you

Bout  things  that shouldn’t be.

about the world

you woke up in this morning.

100 years from me…..

I think about my grandpa,

and his grandpa too

I wonder if they ever

gave much thought

bout the things

they’d say and do

the choices that  generation made

are landing at  my feet

We used to have 4 foot of top soil

Now it’s measured in inches

And now our leaders  spend like drunken fools

  you’ll be picking up the tab

I want you to know I wasn’t for it

I spoke out  for what it’s worth

“We’re  sorry” just don’t cut it,

hollow words

to my ears they sound.

We’ve got to live with a long term view

if we hope you’ll be around….

You came to mind this morning

a hundred years from me,

My daughter’s

daughter’s

daughter….

a hundred years from me….

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I  wrote this poem  Fathers day of 2009 so you may have seen this one before. I was reading some poetry my mom wrote this afternoon about her family and it  got me to thinking. DM

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You may have seen this video before, especially if you’re a long time reader of my blog.

It’s worth watching again if you haven’t seen it in a while.

it’s called “Generations” by Sarah Groves…

This line makes me think every time

“Generations will reap what I sow,

I can pass on, a curse or a blessing, to those I will never know…”

Contentment – Candidly

Contentment – Candidly

I will jump to the end of my story first.

I think I found it.

I was going through the fluid motion of grabbing my apron out of the pantry, snapping it straight once, and tying it around my waist.  I have done this a thousand times.

It is the same process,

the same motion,

the same feeling.

I am preparing for my family.

I am home.

I am safe.

I think I finally figured out that this is my contentment.
I once thought it was finding a boyfriend.  I then thought it was getting the best grades I could in college. I then moved on to thinking I would be content finding a job – ANY job.  Marriage was finally where I was content. The love of my life by my side. No – my baby boy brought the sweetest version of contentment.  Only to be moved aside by baby boy number two.  Jobs lost, jobs found, life, death. Contentment assuredly rested upon each new trial in life being solved.  Then I was sure our new daughter was the best contentment of all.

But when asked to think about it, I had to re-think it.  And when I found myself in the kitchen, as I so often am, it really hit me that I think I finally gave up of achieving the next ‘greatest’ level of contentment.

Contentment is where you find it.  I am keeping it in my pantry, on hook number one.

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Post script. I (DM)  recently asked some of my friends to think  on the topic of Contentment.  Some of you reading this  were part of that project.  This is the second of several  essays on contentment.

If you’re a parent of a special needs child

 What I would tell you….

I sensed someone watching me as I comforted my daughter after a particularly traumatizing dentist appointment at the Children’s Hospital. I looked up and saw you staring at us from across the waiting lounge. I didn’t pay much attention, as I have grown accustomed to the curious eyes of onlookers. Our daughter was born 7 ½ years ago and after an abrupt lack of oxygen at birth, she changed the course of our lives forever. Perhaps, our lives unfolded exactly as they were meant to — they just didn’t unfold in the way we had imagined or planned.

I talked to my daughter, kissed her and hugged her. I was giving her a brief break before putting her through the next traumatic experience of the day ~ the car ride home. Having cerebral palsy is the least of her worries but this condition can turn a car seat into a torture chamber.

I stood up to gather our things, my daughter in my arms, and it was then that I noticed you were holding an infant. It was difficult to know for certain how old she was. I knew immediately, though, that you were one of us. I knew that only recently your life had changed drastically and you sat here in this Children’s Hospital wondering, “How did we get here?” I should have recognized that shocked stare because I once had it, too. And I assume that the man sitting next to you, looking equally tired and shocked, was your husband.

I made my way toward the doors and as I passed you, our eyes met and I smiled at you. You smiled back and for a moment I knew that you knew that I understood.

If I could, I would tell you although you might not believe it right now, you will be okay. I would tell you to dig deep within yourself because you will find the strength and resilience somehow and it will surprise you. I would tell you to honour your feelings and let the tears flow when they need to. You will need the energy for more important things than holding in emotions.

I would tell you that the man sitting next to you might cope differently and he might even want to run the other way. But I would tell you to hang on because he is scared and he really doesn’t want to leave you. I would tell you to look after yourself so that you can care for your daughter. Don’t underestimate the power of good nutrition, exercise, sleep, supplements and an empathetic therapist.

I would tell you that grief will come and it will confuse you because how can something that brings such joy also bring such sadness? I would tell you to let people into your lives to help you. Our children really do require a village to raise them. Access all of the services and resources available. Find someone who can learn how to care for your child so that you can have breaks and so you and your partner can go on dates… even little ones like a twenty minute stroll outside holding hands, sharing wine on the deck or even catching a movie.

I would tell you that you know your child best of all and no matter what you are told by the doctors and other professionals who will be a part of your life, YOU know the answers. You will teach them about your child. At times you will question the validity of your intuition but after a while you will become profoundly aware of how accurate your gut feelings are when it comes to your child.

I would tell you not to be a martyr. Caring for your child will require tremendous focus and unimaginable energy and it can burn you out and make you sick when you least expect it. I would tell you to let your guard down along the way so that you can stay healthy in your mind and spirit.

I would tell you to seek out other mothers like yourself. This is, indeed, the road less travelled and you will feel very alone along the way especially in the company of healthy children and their parents. Yes, you will feel very isolated but know that we are here. Sometimes you have to look a little harder but we are here. You can find us online, in support groups and wandering the halls of the Children’s Hospital.

I would tell you that you will know far too much about the human anatomy, neurology, gastro-enterology, feeding tubes, pharmaceuticals, and so on, than a mother should ever have to know. I would also tell you to do some research to inform yourself but be very careful not to be overwhelmed by the internet and all of the information available to you. Having some trust in what your child’s specialists tell you can be very grounding. Other mothers and fathers of children like ours can be a wealth of information.

I would tell you that this isn’t an easy life. It is tough: there is no doubt about it but you are very capable and the rewards are great. You may never see your child graduate from university, walk down the aisle or give birth to your grandchildren but you will feel pure joy when your child laughs for the first time at the age of 3 years and 8 months. You will celebrate the moment when you connect with your non-verbal child. You will call your spouse at work to tell him that she has gained 4oz. because weight gain is always a struggle with our children.

I would tell you that you will have to witness procedures and surgeries and suffering well beyond what any parent should ever have to bear. But, I would tell you that you will be courageous and comforting because your child will be experiencing far more suffering than any child should ever have to endure.

I would tell you that your life will not resemble the life you had planned. It will be as though you landed in Holland instead of Italy but after some time, you will adjust the dreams you had and this reality will be normal to you. You will dream new dreams.

I would tell you that you might find yourself staring death in the face during close calls. You will be asked to fill out DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) forms and although you might make decisions to not resuscitate in the event of a cardiac arrest, when the moment arises, you will panic to think that it could all come to an end. And I would tell you to not feel guilty in the darkest moments when you pray to God to take your child if it would mean the suffering would end. This might horrify you but know that your love for your child is so great that at times you will believe that death would be a blessing.

I would tell you that others will not get it. They can’t. This is a very unique and complex journey on all levels. We cannot expect anyone to get it. And I would tell you that people — the cashier at the grocery store or your insurance broker or even your hair stylist — will say stupid things like, “God only gives these special kids to special mothers” and “God will only give you what you can handle.” You will nod and smile but eventually you will look them right in the face and tell them that those simple maxims are a bunch of bullshit.

I would tell you that imagining your future will be bittersweet and may involve a Plan A and a Plan B. Plan A will be what you will do if your child outlives the predicted life expectancy set forth by the experts and Plan B will come into play if they do not. You will catch yourself casually discussing your future with the code phrases of Plan A and Plan B.

I would tell you that grief will creep up on you after years have passed and you least expect it like at a wedding when the father and bride have their first dance or when you hear a birth announcement. It will also creep up on you when you see yourself in a new mother who is just beginning this journey.

I would tell you that you will recognize her because she is you from 7 ½ years ago. And you will want to run to her and hug her and tell her that everything will be okay. You will want to save her from the pain and the hardship and the unknown.

But I would tell you that when you find yourself sitting at the Children’s Hospital and you see a new mom and dad who are just starting this journey, you smile at them and walk by as they have their own path to travel and it will be different than yours. It may be longer or shorter. It may be more or less complicated.

I would tell you that her searching eyes are looking for some sign that she will survive this. And you, smiling as you pass, with your child arching all over your shoulder, will let her know that yes, she will survive this and may even thrive.

Julie Keon
June 29th 2011

Julie Keon’s website is  here

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Our daughter Angie, posted a link to that letter tonight on facebook.  She and her husband Matt are the parents of two beautiful children.  Their youngest Rigg is a special needs child.

Driving Mr Rigg

To my great, great grand daughter…live in peace

I come from hearty stock.

Both my grand parents on my dad’s side made it  into their late 90′s.

Grandpa started his day with  fried potatoes in bacon grease, eggs, and black coffee.

So much for needing to have a healthy diet to live a long life

Grandpa was no angel, loved his chew and strong drink when he could get his hands on it.

I’ve been thinking about him  lately, thinking  I need to set some new long-term goals.

Assuming I live about as long as grandpa, that gives me another 40 plus years this side of eternity.

(I’m currently in my mid 50′s and on track with each so it’s time to  raise the bar)

Here’s a portion of what I wrote  in 1987:

Age 75 I would like to :

-have loved my wife, children, brothers and sisters with no regrets.

-Built a home in countryside- with animals and growing things (ha ha)

- have been faithful to God to the end …ran the race well.

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Since I have been thinking long term, this Song by Sara Groves continues to  haunts me..

(The words are below the video link,  feel free to follow along)

I can taste the fruit of Eve
I’m aware of sickness, death and disease
The results of our choices are vast
Eve was the first but she wasn’t the last

And if I were honest with myself
Had I been standing at that tree
My mouth and my hands would be covered with fruit
Things I shouldn’t know and things I shouldn’t see

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

She taught me to fear the serpent
I’m learning to fear myself
And all of the things I am capable of
In my search for wisdom, acceptance and wealth

And to say that the devil made me do it
Is a cop out and a lie
The devil can’t make me do anything
When I’m calling on Jesus Christ

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace, oh, live in peace

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

Oh, remind me
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
Oh, I may never know

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My heart is  heavy  when I think about the  legacy of debt our government leaders seem more than willing to saddle all of us,  especially you,   the next generations.  I was raised to pay my bills as I go,  only borrow as a last resort.

Between me and you, it makes me angry…

Makes me want to curse….I know, you’ve probably heard that Christians are not supposed to feel that way, but  that’s simply not true.

My heart is also heavy when I see how quickly the culture I live  in (it’s 2011 as I write this) continues its mad, downward spiral into  decadence.

Even I feel the  pressure.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and the world you’ll wake up in.

Love, your great, great, grandfather, Douglas Jon

PS.  If you’re reading this and there are things in your life that you do regret,  the good news is, God loves to take the broken pieces of our lives and use them for good.  If you need some examples let me know, I didn’t want to preach   DM

The Winter of 1831 When We Ran Out of Salt

     The following is a must read.  

I (DM)   alluded to this true account put to verse  last week.  

Lines written on the circumstance of my children going to Chicago for salt in the year of thirty-one, in most bitter cold weather.

“My brother Jacob charge me,

 And told me not to let them go,

Across those wide prairies, In the winter, on the snow.

For he said, “The snow kept blowing

And drifting all around,

 My children might get lost

And perish on the ground.”

He said, “You must prepare for winter,

 Get your salt and bread and meat,

 And all things else accordingly,

 That you may want to eat. “

And when the winter comes,

Don’t let them go far away,

 Not much farther than the ravines,

To make rails on a good day.”

 Our salt was in a gum,

And was standing on the loft,

 But met with a bad accident

When the cover got shoved off.

I had some in a box,

That was standing down below,

Not enough to last till spring,

And we knew not where to go

 A man had been selling salt,

 That lived up at Marseilles,

But when I saw the man

He said his salt had failed

. I asked him when he’d have some,

He said, “Never, as I know,

If I go for salt I’ll freeze to death,

 And perish in the snow.”

I said I had fat oxen

That were able then to go,

 But my children had the ague

And were unfit to try the snow.

When I got home, I told my children

 What the man said,

Then William said, “I’ll go myself

And take that big old sled.

“Mother, do not be uneasy,

 None but lazy people freeze,

 Because they will not exercise,

They are so fond of ease.

“There is no fear for me, Mother,

 I will jump and kick the sled,

 I will keep myself in exercise,

 Run, and kick the wagon bed.”

 The sled roller was so low

That the gopher hills it hit,

Then they’d have to stop, hitch on behind,

And haul it back a bit.

 And take another course,

So they might get along;

Their team was good and active,

 All four year olds, and strong.

With an axe he had along,

When he could, he chopped them down,

 And that did save the trouble

To unhitch and drive around.

 When at the mouth of the Fox

They did take off their team,

For the river was frozen over,

And very smooth did seem.

Squire Cloud and George E. Walker

 Helped them over with their sled,

“For the cattle had enough

 to do To keep their feet,” they said.

Then they hitched on their team

And drove on out of sight,

That first day they got lost,

 And lay out all that night.

It was most bitter weather,

 A terrific, freezing night,

The Good Lord did protect them,

They did not freeze one mite.

 And when the child got lost,

 He drove till late, he said,

Then chained his oxen on

 To the hind part of his sled.

 Where he gave them corn and hay;

 After the team was fed,

 The next thing to be done

Was to creep down in his bed.

 And that good dog was at his feet,

His brother at his side,

He said he slept most sweetly;

The Lord doth still provide.

When he awake next morning

 He saw a man in sight,

A riding very fast,

Soon after it was light.

 He called and did inquire

 Where he might find the grove.

He point out the course

 And then on did move.

His boots were very tight,

 And his socks were very thin,

 And his feet were still a growing,

Made long before they’d been.

And they hauled frozen people

 From day to day, they said;

People that were traveling,

 Glad to get in their sled.

 A lady lately told me

That when he asked to stay,

 He turned about immediately

And put his team away.

 She said, “When the men came in,

They came to the fire to warm,

Leaving out their teams

Standing hungry in the storm.

“But that manly little boy,

Went back and fed his team,

 And when he came to the fire,

 He not much cold did seem.”

 A man called for spring water

 And said his feet were froze,

 And as the boy came in,

 Said, “I must lose two of my toes.”

He saw six toes upon each foot,

And he replied, so grave,

“You will have as many left

As other people have.

” No one had taken notice

 That he had so many toes,

 Then they took a hearty laugh,

Though some of them were froze.

His little brother had come in,

 His eyes looked black and bright,

And those children cheered the company

All the forepart of the night.

The weather was extremely cold

All the time that they were gone

 Hard freezing day and night, 

 could but sigh and groan.

 And of those dear lost children

I hardly could make mention,

I could not sleep, my heart was full

 Of direful apprehension.

 When they came to the mouth of the Fox,

 Come to the other shore,

Those kind gentlemen did meet them,

And again did help them o’er.

 

 Then it was after night,

Though it was not late,

When they brought over their sled,

But sometime after eight.

And came with them through the timber,

 Perhaps more than a mile,

 For fear he might get lost,

 That they might help the child.

 At length the tedious week rolled round,

And on the appointed night

Those children did come stepping in

, O, it was a joyful sight.

 On that same night a young man stopped,

That day he was some froze,

 He was riding upon horseback

And froze his cheeks and nose.

 We all set by a good log fire,

Talking of those poor boys,

 When we heard the front door open,

In the entry, heard some noise.

The room door quick flew open,

 In stepped those precious boys,

I never shall forget that hour,

 It was so full of thankful joys.

Their cheeks they looked so red,

 And their eyes they looked so bright,

 O, I was one glad mother,

 And my heart, it felt so light!

The distance more than ninety miles,

To Chicago, where they went

And brought us back six barrels of salt,

And but one week they spent

. Its thirty-one years now

 Since those children went away,

Twenty-seventh day of November,

 They started on that day.

The little one was seven years old,

His brother was fifteen,

The little one rode in the sled,

The other drove the team.

He said he had not ague

 From the day he went away,

 His health was still improving,

He grew stronger every day.

 He took three yoke of oxen,

 As sound as might be found,

To bring six barrels of salt,

 If the snow should leave the ground.

 But that was not the case,

 The snow was but too plenty,

And did lay upon the ground

Till January Twenty

. That salt prove quite essential,

Bought corn and apple trees,

Although predicted by the neighbors

The little boys would freeze.

For we had hogs and cattle,

 And all the horses still,

Except the one that killed herself

 A grinding in the mill.

And some we got the cash for,

 And that went near Lacon,

When my brother came to visit us,

It was my brother John.

I should be very thankful

For so much mercy given,

 O, grant me, gracious Saviour,

But the lowest seat in Heaven.

E.S.A.

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Question for you to ponder

What was the big deal about salt in 1831?  

Loosing what today might have the same implications in our lives?

Let me know if you’d like to hear any more of these accounts.  (all 6 regular readers to my blog) 

 There are several more poems  where this came from.  DM

Letters to my son

      

Dear J,                                                                                  11/6/2010

 

                I am excited to see a renewed interest in your relationship with God the past several months.  

     As I said to you last week,  Mom and I tried real hard not to  jam our faith down your  throat as you were growing up …nothing worse than growing up  with heavy-handed parents.

        Too often, Christians have a habit of answering questions, no body is asking  

       I hate it when I feel I am on the receiving end of a canned conversation…so that’s the last thing I want to do with you. 

   But now that you are asking some great questions, I do want to share with you what I believe.   

     As you know, I grew up attending a Lutheran church and mom grew up Catholic.  I won’t bore you with all the details, but to make a long story short, I decided to join the Catholic church once we made the decision to get married.  That meant I had to attend a series of classes on becoming Catholic.  The classes raised several questions for me, not the least of which, who is right?????
       Are the Catholics right?  Was the denomination of my childhood right? What about the Baptists, Methodists, Assembly of God, Nazarenes, charismatic, and the list goes on? 

     Who could I talk to find out who is right and who is wrong?  

 Everybody can’t be right.

And obviously, anyone I would talk with would be convinced that their belief system was right. 

  It was a very unsettling time in my life, I felt like I was in the middle of a  spiritual earthquake….

the very ground under my feet was shaking…but out of that time of sifting and shaking came a nugget of  insight for me…and  to this day, 3o years later believe this with my whole heart….are you ready?

    To the degree a particular church or denomination is in line with the Bible, to that degree it is right.

      Since this is first letter is going to be posted on my personal blog, I’m a little reluctant to go any further  in this conversation,  lest I be guilty of answering questions that nobody is asking myself.

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      If you are one of the handful of  regular visitors here  and are  interested in following along on this conversation with my son , you’re welcome  to click on this link   

  I’ve been  wanting  to share some of my more personal  stuff on-line for a while now  but have never felt like the  ”heart to heart” blog was the place.